A stressed out mom and a worried son – ask the guru!

Coach Kim,

I suspect my parents, who are in their 60s and earn modest incomes, have minimal savings. How do I broach the topic of retirement with them when they are hesitant to “trouble” their children with their financial concerns?

Worried Son

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Dear Worried Son

What is your motive or agenda for having this conversation?  What are you afraid of?

Maybe you are worried about having to take care of them, in their old age, if they don’t properly prepare.  This is a realistic concern, but it is all about you.

You need to make sure this isn’t about your fear.  If  this issue is about your fear, they will feel that right away and the conversation won’t go well.  If they sense your fear (which they will – if that’s what’s motivating you) they will probably get defensive and shut you out.

You need to have a validating, loving conversation with them, treating them as adults, the same as you.  You need to validate and respect where they are on this, and show them you respect them.

Follow the rules for having tough conversations…  they will help you handle it with love.

1) Find the right time – You want to have this conversation when you are alone and won’t be interrupted.

2) Ask permission to discuss a sensitive issue – “Would you be open to talking about something kind of personal with me?”
(Wait for a yes)

3) Ask whether they feel safe with you – “Do you know I care about you and respect you?”
(Wait for a yes)

4) Ask them what they think and feel about the issue –“May I ask some questions about your retirement plans?”  (Wait for a yes)

If they do not want to discuss this with you – you must respect that.  Money is a deeply personal issue and if they are not comfortable discussing it, and you push it, you will slam the door on any chance to return to the topic later on.  If you respect how they feel, and let it go, the door will stay open.  They may even come to you when they need advice.

If they say yes…

“How comfortable are you with your plans for retirement?”  (Listen)  “Do you think that you are going to have what you’ll need?”  (Listen)  “How is it going trying to save some money?”  “Has it been hard?”  (Listen)

After you have listened and validated their right to think and feel the way they do, you can go to step 5.

5) Ask permission to speak your truth – “Would you be open to some suggestions from me?”  or “Would you be open to advice on it?”  (Wait for a Yes)

6) Speak your truth – Share your ideas but be careful not to tell them they are wrong.  Just share your ideas and ask them what they think.

Understand the principle behind the advice…

Notice that every step involves asking the person a question, even at the end when you speak your truth, you still phrase it as a question.  Doing it this way shows the other person you honor and respect them.  It creates a safe place where they are less likely to get defensive.

I know that it’s a repeat… but this formula works!

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Dear Coach Kim

How can I get rid of the guilt when I don’t get everything done on “the list”? :). I know its not about me but its still hard.

Stressed Out Mom

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Dear Stressed Out Mom –

I feel your pain.  Sometimes a busy family is like having a bowling alley in your head!  I’d love to share some things that might bring you some peace and quiet.

Look at what guilt is… it is fear that you aren’t good enough.

It’s that pesky core fear again.

It just won’t go away!

It probably never will… So you have to learn some ways to process through it (as fast as possible!)  You must learn how to calm down the fear and choose peace.

So how do you get out of fear?

The Clarity Formula is my favorite technique.  It uses the principles of trust and love to bring you from fear to peace. Also remember that every second you spend in fear, you are missing things going on with people around you.  The fear is robbing the world of your love.

Don’t waste time here… the world needs you.

When you are feeling stress – just take a second and focus on each of these four things…

1) Choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line.  Choose to trust that your value is infinite and absolute.  Choose to remind yourself that you are safe on this journey and nothing you do has to be perfect to be perfect – for this moment.  Remember that you are the perfect you right now, today!

2) Choose to trust that your journey is perfect.  Choose to trust that you are right on track to becoming who you are meant to become.  Choose to trust that everything is happening exactly as it should be and this situation is perfect (for some crazy reason you don’t even need to know).  Choose to see “where you are right now” as perfect.

3) Choose to see other people as the same as you.  Make sure that you are seeing them accurately

4) Choose to focus on giving to others.  This could mean validation, attention or love.  As long as your focus is not on you.  Fear is all about you – only in the absence of fear can we focus on others.

That’s the Clarity Formula – and it works for any kind of fear!

As you practice processing your way out of fear, you will get faster and faster at it.  Pretty soon you will get from stress to peace in an instant, but it requires practice to get there.

Write down the steps on some index cards.  Keep one in your purse, post one in the kitchen, bathroom, etc.

Remember that fear is a choice.  You can choose peace.  You have control over what thoughts you embrace.  You can choose thoughts that promote mental and emotional peace.

You can do it!

You must do it – because you don’t want to pass this down to your kids.

Follow the steps – it will work!