Day 211: The funniest poem at 3am

Last night, I must say, I stayed up too late,
and not even for a really hot date.

I stayed up for my girls and my good friend Brad too,
and my best friend Tammy and her children too.

But do not worry… about our dear friend sad Brad,
because after last night he is now really glad.

Now he is glad… cause we know he’s not sad,
But we’re afraid that our dear friend Brad… is… very bad!

See bad Brad…

See how he’s glad!

We are so glad,

he is no longer sad.

See bad Brad brag… about how he is bad.

and about how he makes all the other men mad.

and about how twilight is such a weird fad.

LOL  (We wrote this at 3am!)

Bad Brad went with us to see Twilight’s Eclipse…
and all the girls thought he had kissable lips!

(That’s the only thing that rhymes with eclipse… though it’s true too.)

The movie was great, the kissing scenes were intense,
But bad Brad just liked scenes with fights and defense.

He laughed at the women who failed the test,
and screamed every time they saw Jacob’s chest.

But let’s just be honest… that Jacob’s hot chest…
as scenes go…  is just… quite simply the best!

At 2:30 in the morning we all got in the car,
We were so very tired and the drive was quite far.

But making up rhymes about our bad Brad,
Kept us all laughing and feeling quite glad.

Then I pulled out my iphone and read them a poem,
which kept us laughing to tears… all the way home.

I read them the poem… about Mrs. McCave,
who had 23 sons and named them all Dave…

And often she wishes that, when they were born,
She had named one of them Bodkin Van Horn
And one of them Hoos-Foos.  And one of them Snimm.
And one of them Hot-Shot.  And one Sunny Jim.
And one of them Shadrack.  And one of them Blinkey.
And one of them Stuffy.  And one of them Stinkey.
Another one Putt-Putt.  Another one Moon Face.
Another one Marvin O'Gravel Balloon Face.
And one of them Ziggy.  And one Soggy Muff.
One Buffalo Bill.  And one Biffalo Buff.
And one of them Sneepy.  And one Weepy Weed.
And one Paris Garters.  And one Harris Tweed.
And one of them Sir Michael Carmichael Zutt
And one of them Oliver Boliver Butt
And one of them Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate...
But she didn't do it.  And now it's too late.

***

You shouldn’t read Dr. Suess at 3 a.m.

We laughed until it hurt!  I was crying!

This poem is so freakin funny when you’re tired!

You were a good sport Bad Brad… we are so glad you braved the girl-fest and came with us… Issac needed another guy there!

Day 210: The craziest date I’ve ever had!

So this is the report on my date to the summer party.

(The names have been removed to protect the less-than innocent.)

I hope that my date will be okay with this ending up on the blog… rest assured that most of my dates do not end up on the blog… but this one just had to… cause it’s so hilarious!

The party itself was amazing!

Our fun hosts had beautifully decorated their gorgeous back yard, which had a waterfall, a zip line and amazing patios and sitting areas.  The food was out of this world and the company was even better.  They had invited a lot of my old high school friends and it was so fun to see them.  It was the party of the summer for sure!

After about an hour though, I went in the house to find the restroom… only to discover that I had spilled something red…on my white shirt… right in the center of my boob!

My beautiful friend the hostess and Tammy both came to my rescue and started spot treating my boob with all kinds of stuff, including white tooth paste (which I now know, cleans all kinds of things besides teeth.)

They got the spot out (mostly) and then tried to dry my shirt with a blow dryer.

I thought it was fixed.. but my date’s first comment when I arrived back outside was… “What happened to your shirt… Are you lactating?”

Very funny!

Fortunately it dried quickly in the summer heat.

Next I decided to try out their zip line.  We had walked up the pathway below and checked out the area where the zip line landed, and it looked like a blast.

In my enthusiasm… I was the first to go!

The thing we didn’t know… was that in the time between our checking out the path and getting on the zip line above… the host had gone around and lit tiki torches all around the yard.

One which was right in the path of the line!

It wasn’t until halfway to the bottom… going very fast… that I saw the flame… and realized that I was headed straight for it.

The thing about a zip line is… you have no control whatsoever!

You cannot turn or stop!

All I could do was scream!

And I did!

I was about to become a fireball!

It was a miracle that my clothes didn’t catch fire!

After my very noisy and exciting run… they decided to move the tiki torch!

We had a blast dancing to our favorite high school 80’s songs with my old friends.  We danced until the neighbors called the police!

You know your a pretty cool 40+ year old… when the police still get called to shut down your parties!

At one point though, my date decided, since almost everyone at the party was drinking… he also wanted a glass of wine.

I do not drink…  but I have lots of friends that do drink when we go out, so I was not the slightest bit worried about this.

(Tammy had predicted that this would happen though.)

For the rest of the night I saw him sipping on a glass of wine, but I wasn’t never really sure if it was the same one or just how many refills he’d had.

(Since I’m not a drinker, I don’t know how much is too much.)

The one thing I knew… was that my date was getting more and more fun all the time!

I was very impressed with how he knew everyone’s name and made friends with everyone he met.  He was a great dancer and was definitely becoming the hit of the party!

He was also starting to seem a little drunk… especially when he started doing pole dancing moves on the tent poles!

It was kinda scary how many he knew!

I made up my mind that I was not going to let him drive home!

But we had come in his car, so I was going to have to get the keys from him. We were the last ones to leave the party… (not a good sign) and it took a bit of arguing before he handed them over… but he eventually gave in.

Then I realized that his car was a stick shift!

It’s been a little while since I drove one!

This was going to be interesting!

After a few jolts and stops I got the hang of the clutch and headed to Bountiful thinking that he needed to take me home.

It wasn’t until halfway there that I realized if we drove to my house… I couldn’t let him leave… I was going to have to keep him there.

Great!  My kids were not going to like having a drunk guy sleeping at our house!

I really did not want them to know he was drunk.  It does not fit the kind of mother I am trying to be… to bring home drunk dates!

This is SO not me!

I was hoping, since it was one a.m. that maybe I could get him in… sober him up and get him back out, before the kids woke up!

But I have zero experience dealing with drunk people!

By the time we arrived at my house he was completely out of it.  He couldn’t walk straight and was slurring his speech.  He tried to get the keys back so he could leave… but I couldn’t let him do that!

I finally convinced him to just stay!

So I got him out of the car and up the driveway (which wasn’t easy) and sat him down on a patio chair in my backyard.

Then I told him to sit there and BE QUIET and I would be right back!

My plan was to sneak in my house and make sure the girls were asleep… then figure out what to do with him!

When I went to my back door… I remembered that I had no keys!

I let my son take my car that night with my keys… and Laney had locked up the house when she went to bed.  So I was locked out of my own house with a drunk date in my back yard!

Now what was I gonna do?

I tried knocking and ringing the doorbell, hoping that Laney would let me in… I figured I could tell her that my date and I were just visiting out there on the patio for a while (pretending everything was fine) and send her back to bed.

I was not going to let her know he was drunk!

But she was sound asleep and wouldn’t wake up to let me in the house!

I tried calling her phone… but she didn’t answer!

Now what?

I realized that I was going to have to get the ladder out of the car port and crawl through that one upstairs window again… in the dark… with my noisy drunk friend holding the ladder!

This was not the night I had planned on!

My friend tried really hard to convince me to let him climb the ladder, but he was about 230 lbs. and was weaving when he walked… so that wasn’t an option.

This needed to be done with stealth!

He also might get stuck in the window and then I’d really have a problem!

You may have read about me climbing through this window before on the blog. It’s not that easy to do!

(I was just grateful that I hadn’t worn a skirt this time!)

But he remembered the story on the blog about the skirt and kept saying… “I wish you were wearing that short skirt right now!”

Keep wishing cowboy!

I ended up crashing into the house with a thud, which woke up Abby who happened to be sleeping right next to where I landed!

I calmly explained that I had been locked out of the house, but everything was fine… and told her to go back to sleep.

Then she asked why my date was outside… I said that we were just talking out on the patio for a little while… “No problem honey… go back to sleep.”

But there was a problem!

A BIG ONE!

Now what was I going to do?

I found Laney asleep on the couch and moved her to her bed… with the same story that everything’s fine… go back to sleep.

When I went back outside I found my friend relieving himself in my bushes!

Seriously… I cannot believe this is happening to me!!!!

We sat out on the patio for awhile, while I tried to figure out what to do with him. He babbled on about all kinds of stuff that didn’t make any sense whatsoever!  But at least he was fairly quiet.

Though, people swear a lot more when they’re drunk!

I decided that since my son Mike was away for the night, I would take my drunk friend downstairs and tuck him into Mike’s bed for the night… then I would try to get him outta here in the morning before the girls woke up.

That was the plan… but pulling it off was a little tricky.

My drunk friend had to pee one last time in the bushes… which took a while… I guess because he had had a lot to drink!  It took forever!

Then I had to get him up the stairs into the house… and then down a flight of stairs to Mike’s room without waking anyone up.

He was so drunk he could barely stand up… and I am a small girl!

This was no small feat!

There was a moment when I thought he was falling down the stairs and was going to kill himself!  It scared the crap out of me!

Finally I got him to Mike’s bed.  All he said was…

“Kim you’re such a wonderful woman… you’re going to make some lucky guy a really great wife!  You’re such a wonderful woman!”

I agree.

But sweetie… you’re probably not gonna be that guy!

(You’re a good friend though and I love ya!)

Fortunately, he fell asleep or passed out the second his head hit the pillow!

It was 2 a.m. by then… so I went upstairs to my room and crashed!

I was awakened the next morning by the sound of my back door opening and closing… I suddenly remembered my prediciment and ran out to see what was happening.

But the dog had also heard moving around and was now making a racket because she thought there was a robber in the house… which woke Abby up.

Okay, I wasn’t going to be able to hide my house guest from the kids!

I found him brushing his teeth at the kitchen sink.  We decided that I would feed him some breakfast and he would hit the road.

This would have worked too… except after breakfast he laid down on my couch and fell asleep again.  Are you kiddin me?

We had to get ready for church!

I let him have a short nap…then woke him up so he could head home.

My girls were not real happy to have a man they hardly know, sleeping here on Sunday morning… but they were good sports.

They are also not stupid.

As soon as he left… Abby asked me if had he been drunk last night?

Apparently she had heard him talking on the patio and could tell he was talking funny.

I explained to the girls what had happened and that I couldn’t put innocent lives at risk to let him drive.

They we’re great about it… but they also thought that maybe I shouldn’t do this kind of thing again.

*

My friend and date texted me when he got home…

“Got home safe.  Sure had fun!”

I’m glad someone did sweetie!

Actually I had fun too.

It was quite the adventure and even though it put me in an uncomfortable position with my kids and I don’t want to do it again…

… It sure was funny!

********************************************

The day after posting this I received a very heart felt apology from my date (who shall remain anonymous)… after reading the blog he realized that he hadn’t shown up for me, the way he wanted to and he felt really bad about it.  He didn’t think the story was funny at all.  He really felt bad for putting me in this situation.

So I just want him to know that I still love him!

We all need room to make mistakes.  It is only through making mistakes that we really learn and grow.  I make tons of them… and I hope no one will judge me too quick… cause I’m a work in progress… I am still working on becoming the person I want to be.

I have a long way to go too.

We gotta laugh at the lessons sometimes though.

Day 209: Crazy day at Walmart with too many dates!

I needed a date for a big summer party last weekend… but I had no idea who to take or how to go about it.

Tammy and I went through my phone trying to think of someone I could ask.

I have removed the names of those involved (to protect the innocent) and will refer to the men by number instead… try not to get confused!

The person I had been dating recently (Guy #1) was coming to visit me in two weeks so he was out of the questions for this weekend.

This particular party was also going to require a date who was okay with people drinking… meaning it was not a Mormon party…  though it was a party with good friends and good people who I love dearly.

So I called my good friend (Guy #2), who is not Mormon and asked if he would be my date.   But he couldn’t make it because he had his kids that night.

Dang it!  NG you would have been so fun to hang out with!

I was about to call my friend (Guy #3), a guy that I am definitely interested in getting to know better… when it dawned on me that I had another male friend (Guy #4) who might be coming to town for a business meeting and would be really fun to take to this kind of party, just as a friend.

So I called (Guy #4) and asked if he was going to be in town.

He said no… but that he might come to Utah in two weeks and would love to hang out with me then.

That would be the same weekend that (Guy #1) was already planning to be here…  so that wouldn’t work.

But for now, I still needed a date for the party this weekend…  and I needed to run to the grocery store.  So I went to Walmart and was finding my groceries when my phone rang…

(I mention this because it’s really funny that this whole next part of the story happened while in Walmart!)

It was (Guy #1) … who had just called to say Hi.

We chatted for a while as I shopped, (which I loved) and I mentioned that I wished he could come to Utah this weekend… because I would love to take him to the party.

He said maybe he could!

He said he would call the airlines and see if he could get a ticket!

Great!

I would love to have him take me!

I continued with my shopping…

But he called back a few minutes later… and said that it was not going to work.

He couldn’t afford a ticket last minute… so he would have to stick with his original plan and come up in two weeks.

I called Tammy back and told her that I still did not have a date!

Then I continued with my shopping…

A few minutes later, my phone rang again… and it was (Guy #4) who was calling to say…

“Guess what?  I’m on my way to Utah!”

He had decided to surprise me, he had jumped in the car and was coming to Utah to take me to the party!

This was good news!

I called Tammy from the frozen food section and told her that now…

I did have a date!

(It would have been great if the story had ended right here.)

But a few minutes later Tammy called back (yet again) to say…

“You have a BIG PROBLEM!”

(Guy #1) had called her and said that he was planning to come to Utah to surprise me too!  He told me he wasn’t coming to Utah this weekend… but he really was!

He wanted Tam to pick him up at the airport so he could surprise me!

Tam had said “Sweetie you cannot surprise Kim… you need to tell her you’re coming for the party… because she already has a date!”

(Guy #1) had said… “How, she just asked me to go 10 minutes ago… I said I couldn’t make it… and she already has someone else?”

“Yes, in the time since you talked to her, someone else called to say he was also coming to surprise her and he’s already halfway there!”

So then (Guy #1) called me to find out what was going on.

He was really disappointed that I had a date with someone else because he had bought plane tickets to come to Utah.

(I wouldn’t have made that date if he had told me he was coming – but he told me he wasn’t coming!)

But (Guy #4) was already in the car driving to Utah.

Now I had 2 dates for the same night!

Both whom were traveling a long way to come see me.

Both who are good friends that I care for deeply!

Seriously!  What was I gonna do?

In the end it worked out that (Guy #4) took me to the party… but when you read what happened that night you’re gonna laugh your head off.

What a disaster… it was funny but it was a total disaster!

(Guy #1) is a great guy with a heart of solid gold who decided to change his tickets and not come to Utah even though he was really disappointed.  I think he also realized that my life is a circus and may not be a good investment right now.

(Guy #3) texted me later that day… out of the blue… and arranged to hang out with me Tuesday night… just as friends!  I said yes.

What a crazy day!  What a mess!

What am I supposed to be learning here?

Day 207: Trouble with Cell Phones

If you follow the blog you already read about Tammy jumping in the river with her cell phone in her back pocket.  Well she was convinced that it would still work despite the fact that there was a bubble behind the screen.

I was pretty sure it was toast!

After a few days, the screen stopped working and  it wouldn’t stay charged… so she had to break down and admit she needed a new one.

She and I headed to the Verizon store, where a really weird guy with a broken arm showed us her options.  There wasn’t a very good one… this was gonna be expensive.  Since her contract wasn’t up, she was looking at, at least, $270.

She finally chose one, and the weird guy helped to transfer most of her contacts over.  I say most… because she accidentally deleted some of them including Mr. B (who she really wanted to be able to call.)  Even though it was driving her crazy because she didn’t know how to work the new phone… at least I could reach her.

I have to be able to reach Tam!

The next day I was trying to call her for 2 hours and she wouldn’t pick up.  It was driving me crazy!  When I finally reached her, she explained that she had lost the new phone!

“Are you kiddin me?”

She and Trish were at the mall and somehow she had lost it!

She looked everywhere… but couldn’t find it.  On her way back to her car, she discovered it on the ground… in the parking lot!

The amazing part is that it hadn’t been run over… it was in perfect condition!

What luck!

The next day we took the girls out shopping.  On the way there, she realized that she’d lost it again!  Again!

We had to turn around and go back to her house to find it.

At this point I was really giving her a hard time about her cell phone issues.

It was getting ridiculous!

Then today, I went to the gym… and when I was getting my stuff out of my bag I started looking for my iphone.

It wasn’t in there!

I can’t workout with the music on my iphone!

“Maybe I left it in the car?”

I ran outside and was about to open the car door to look for it… when I saw my iphone laying in the street.

It was a miracle that it hadn’t been run over… it was in perfect condition too!

Wow!

Tam and I are so alike it’s scary!

Day 205: All I know at this point…

That is the only thing I know for sure!

I am so inexperienced and naive… and lost!

I can manage every other area of my life with wisdom (other than tent poles of course) and I have such clarity about the other relationships in my life… but when it comes to this “dating thing” … I just don’t know the way.

Couldn’t someone write up some instructions so I don’t screw things up so often while I’m trying to figure it all out!

Love is so complicated and confusing… and scary and painful!’

It has its fun moments… but when we are all putting our hearts on the line we are bound to get hurt fairly often.

A very wise friend said to me today that the only way to avoid being hurt is to quit and give up.

But for most of us (including him) wimping out isn’t an option…

So we are going to choose to trust God that we are safe in his hands and let him heal the pains when they come.

We are going to keep treating every person we meet with love, respect and honesty.

We are going to appreciate the love we have to give and focus on giving it, instead of trying to earn or qualify for love from someone else.  We are going to make friends first and listen to God for guidance about romance.

[OK STOP – this sometimes happens as a writer… in the process of writing answers come to me and that is what just happened]

OH MY GOSH…

I have it all wrong!

I shouldn’t be out finding love.

Love isn’t something you find!

Love is something you give!!!

I need to change the name of the blog!

I need to focus on giving my gift of love to the world… I need to trust that the right person will show up in my life perfectly at the perfect time… I need to live in love and trust more fully, being someone who is giving love not asking for love!

(That is not always going to make the complications of dating simple but I think it will help.)

I think I’m changing the blog to…

My Adventures in Love and Life – (as a forty something single mom)

I may suck at dating but I am learning things… and that is the point of being here… so I guess that’s where I am supposed to be  for now.

We are always right where we are supposed to be for some reason…

There is something to learn here today.

Instead of focusing on pain… we need to focus on God’s love for us… and trust him!

This helped me to write today… hope it might be of value to someone else… either way thanks for reading.

Day 203: Zion’s Trip Part 2 – a.k.a. What hiking can teach you about life

Hiking the Narrows was an amazing experience.  The beauty of that place takes your breath away – or maybe it was laughing so hard that took our breath away!

Might have been some of both!

Tam kept saying it was one of the best experiences she had ever had!

After an amazing day hiking the Narrows we returned our soggy hiking boots, peeled off neoprene socks and headed to Mr. B’s house for a hot shower.

Yes, I realize that we left our friends smelly and sweaty, huddled around a camp fire for warmth… but we had to do it guys! We went to the Bit and Spur for a nice dinner too.

But I do know how to rough it!!

(I spent my entire childhood in a tent backpacking somewhere!)

I just think… why do it… if you don’t have to!

At dinner Tammy and I entertained Mr. B with the stories of our adventures in finding love.  All he could say is, again… RC deserves some kind of serious reward for traveling with us for 5 days!  Maybe a medal or something!

We think spending time with us… is it’s own reward.

After dinner we headed back to camp and found our friends dumpster diving for stuff that other campers had thrown away.  They had sunk to an all-time low.  Just kidding guys… there was some cool stuff in there.

We were also grateful to see that someone (who shall also remain nameless) had finally put a shirt on!

(Though it wasn’t a bad view of him without one!)

Tammy and I tried walking the slack line, though we decided that it’s really hard to do in hawaiian flower flip flops.  They were a bad choice for camping all around.

Then Mr. K showed pictures on his phone, of hot girls he’d dated – that was fun, especially since if you close your eyes and listen to him… his voice sounds exactly like the young genius Dr. Reid on Criminal Minds… it’s so exactly the same… it’s creepy!

I loved laying in my tent at night listening to him talk for hours (while we were trying to sleep!) and imagining Reid from Criminal Minds was camping with us!

I know that’s weird but I couldn’t sleep anyway… with all the racket!

Honestly I can’t remember what else happened that night – we were so tired from our hike – I think we all crashed!  At least I did…

And I apologize for the snoring!

Tammy and I went to bed a little worried though… because we knew tomorrow was the day for hiking Angel’s Landing and we were frankly scared out of our wits about it.

I had a terrible nightmare about falling off it… and I wasn’t the only one.

RC’s dream was a little weird, but he was obviously worried about Tammy and I falling off too.  I am sure that my readers can understand his concern… because despite my victory with balance in the Narrows… we all know that I trip and fall off things on a fairly regular basis.

(How many times have I fallen off that stage thingy while dancing Rob?)

There was reason for concern, taking me on a hike, on a ledge, 1500 feet in the air, off which another woman had fallen and died last week!

With my track record… I was nervous about it too!

A stumble up there and your toast!

Saturday morning a big group of us ditched the camp and went to the Bumbleberry Cafe for breakfast.   After some eggs and bumbleberry pancakes we were ready to go.

At least, as ready as were gonna be!

I had to force myself not to think about it – to just focus on the now – so I wouldn’t feel sick.

The hike starts with a really tough, steep climb of switch backs in blistering heat (at least these Utah girls thought it was HOT – the AZ crew keeps saying that we don’t have a clue about HOT) – all I know is that I was sweating and my legs were screaming!!!

I’ve been working out every day for months (203 days) and I still had to stop and rest so often it got ridiculous!

Finally you reach Ice Box canyon, which feels like heaven on earth after that climb!   Here is a pic of us enjoying the canyon breeze…

It was a little windy up there!

Nice hair huh.

Then we tackled the section known as Walters Wiggles.  These are tight switchbacks that really give your quads a workout, but once past these, you are almost to the lookout landing… and almost to the scary part!  We took some time there to appreciate the drop off and the views of Zion!  Tammy and I had a snack (treats) and stalled as long as we could.

Then decided that if we were gonna do it – it was time!  Though we had to stop and take a photo of Tammy and I hanging on the sign warning of possible death on this hike first!

We were trying to laugh – cause we really wanted to cry.

The next section of the hike is so steep and narrow that they have installed chains to hold onto… in an effort to make it safer.

The problem is that there are a large number of people going both up and down all day long… which means that you constantly have to pass people going the opposite direction.

This get’s scary because people are blocking the chain… and there is no choice here… one of you is going to end up too close to the edge with nothing to hold onto!!!!

In order to ensure my safety it became necessary to molest a few people!

I had to hold onto something… and if they were blocking the chain… I had no choice but hold onto them!

The guy whose chest I grabbed for a while didn’t seem to mind… but I had to apologize to the lady whose rear end I touched.

I gave her tush a little pat and said sorry as I passed by.

She looked so scared at the time… I don’t think she really cared that I had grabbed her butt!

Tam had some moments of terror and tears on this climb… especially when the stupid teen-agers would fly past us recklessly close to the edge… it had us both in a panic – we literally couldn’t watch!

I did okay when I just blocked out what was on either side of me and focused on the rocks in front of me.  With four teen-agers at home I am actually pretty good at blocking things out and focusing on what I am doing!

We probably climbed this mountain slower than it’s ever been climbed… with shaky legs the whole way… but we made it to the top!

We stopped for a minute to catch our breath and then the guys steered us farther out on the point where we could sit down and enjoy the view.

At that moment… I realized that I was holding onto a tree… really tight… and had no intention of letting go.

“I’m hugging this $@!#ing tree Randy!”

The rest of them almost fell off the top, laughing so hard, that I had actually said $@!#ing tree.”   That busted me up too.

I don’t know where that came from… I never talk like that ever!

I never never say that word… I was seriously scared!

After a while RC got me to let go of the tree and sat me down on some rocks away from the edge… then he finally took a breath and relaxed a little.

I’m pretty sure he had a couple of major heart attacks on the way up!

Tammy suggested that we lay down (which felt even safer than sitting) and make snow angel’s on the top of angel’s landing!

Good idea sweetie!

Though RC thought that was a little too close to the edge again!

We had made it to the top of Angel’s Landing!  What an amazing feeling!

We did finally stand up and take some photos.  Though Tam and I got too close for RC’s comfort when we were distracted trying to get something out of my teeth before they shot the pic.

Then Tam got in trouble with Mr. B for feeding the chipmunks peanut butter M & M’s cause she thought they deserved a treat too.  (Apparently they are really strict about feeding the animals in a national park!)

Now, I have to wax poetic for a minute about the amazing metaphors these hikes are for life.  (I promised you guys some serious literature here!)

So here are a few things I learned about life from this experience...

1) Life ain’t easy.

2) Life is fraught with obstacles… and sometimes it’s really scary!

3) Fear is part of the deal though… overcoming fear and making it through…and growing and learning along the way is the point or purpose of being here!

4)  It’s easier and more fun if you have some friends.

5) It’s really nice if you have someone to hold hands with.

6) You can survive much more than you think you can… if you’re holding hands with someone who cares about you.

7) Fighting against the current and pushing through… when it would be easier to go with the flow… is always worth it!

8) We are all going to fall on occasion… so we should help others up when they fall… and not sweat it too much when we fall and j ust get back up and keep going.

9) Laugh often!

10) Share.

11) Bring lots of treats and reward yourself for little successes!

12) Never say never… cause you will probably eat those words!  I also learned to be prepared with what you need, to do, what you said you’d never do! (Thanks Chris!)

13) Talk less… listen more.  (You don’t learn anything when you’re talking!)

14) Sometimes your progress will seem so slow… it may feel like your not going to make it… just keep going… one small step at a time… you’ll be amazed how far you can go!

15) Being scared for other people doesn’t do them or you any good.

16) Focus on the present moment and you’re always OK right now!

It’s your fear of later than scares the pants off you!

17) Don’t wear light colored shorts hiking through muddy water!

18) Look out for others.  Look for opportunities to help them.  It will amaze you how often they will help you too.

19) Listen to the advice of those who have gone before you… they know what they’re talking about!  Follow the trail they left behind.

20) Always send the least valuable person first!  (Just kidding!)

21) Be aware of what’s going on around you and pay attention – or you will miss something important!

22) Have a plan and a destination in mind.  If you don’t, you will end up somewhere… but not somewhere great.

23) The best destinations are hard to get to, but worth the work.

24) Every experience is here to teach you something and give you the chance to become a better you.  But… you have to consciously decide to look for the lessons and consciously choose to step it up!

And last but not least…

25) When hiking down a steep hill… it’s easier to skip or gallop than walk!

I know that sounds weird but it’s really true!

So we skipped and galloped all the way down Angel’s Landing.  I have some video to prove it!

Click here to see a demonstration

The only problem is that it creates more friction on your feet so when I got to the bottom of the mountain my feet were on fire.  We ran to the river as fast as we could.  I ripped my shoes and socks off and ran into the water – it felt heavenly!

Tam went a step farther and jumped in and laid right down on the rocks and let the water rush over her… clothes and all.

She stayed there for quite a while.

When she finally got up to leave… she remembered that her cell phone was in her back pocket.

Dang it!

As I am writing this, her phone is working again but it has quite a bit of water behind the screen, which moves back and forth when you shake it… she thinks it’s pretty!  It looks like a fish tank!

I think it’s gotta fry at some point!

After that we stopped at the Lodge for ice cream and then headed to the Tiki Bar for some food!  Then, I convinced the gang that we should play cards (Phase 10) and just chill for a while.

“Though I do agree with you Mr. B, those benches were like sitting on a George Foreman Grill – my butt still hurts!”

It was the funniest card game ever.  I almost peed my pants!  Let me just say that we are a competitive group and anything we play gets a little intense.  I won every round except one (which RC won) and the skipping abuse almost ruined our friendships!

“Tammy, cheaters never prosper… that’s all I’m gonna say!”

Except at golf  – if you all decide together that cheating is okay! LOL

That night, Tammy and Randy almost came to blows over who could revive the fire better. She thought she knew better than him about starting a fire!

Tammy, this is just a little tip from coach Kim…

Guys don’t like it when you say…“You gonna cry like a little girl if I win!”… over and over!

It seriously pisses them off… just FYI.

Our last night at camp was a blast!  We cracked out the glow stick baseball hats and necklaces even though someone who shall remain nameless thought they were immature!

Some people had fun with them… especially Harry Potter when he showed up at our party (though he is really competitive and doesn’t like to lose either.)

Then Tammy tried to teach everyone a campfire game she had no idea how to play… “it’s not scattagories babe!”

I was laughing till I cried listening to her!  She couldn’t get her own game straight to save her life!  What was up with you that night?

It’s amazing how these types of games bring out the type A personalities though… and we had a lot of type A personalities for one camp spot!

They all wanted to win!

Except Mike… he just wanted some dang chocolate milk!

“By the way Mike… you were smokin in that speedo!”

“Do you ride your motorcycle in that?”

Jacklyn the food was amazing!  We especially loved the chocolate cake with cherries and cream cheese!  Can I just say… YUM!

You also did a great job kicking people out of parking spaces…

How come you’re the only one, in the dang camp, who can count to eight?

How come your’re the only one who knows that a tent with a line through it… means NO CAMPING HERE?

What’s wrong with these people?

They are even less bright than the Lake Powell group!

Just kidding – I’m the one who forgot the tent poles!

Plus, we all thought that meant no camping behind the sign… not next to it!

And that Ranger was a jerk!

We woke up Sunday morning sore, sunburned, limping, dehydrated, really tired and popping Advil like candy… but really proud of ourselves and happy because we had laughed so much our faces were tired of smiling!

On the way home we went through all our pictures.  RC and Tammy laughed their pants off when they saw the video I took with my new camera thinking I could turn it sideways and it would still work.

Click here to see the video!

It’s not my fault the camera doesn’t work like my iphone!

Geez!

Visit my Facebook Page to see all the photos!

Day 202: Zion’s Trip Part 1 – a.k.a. The Blind Leading the Blind

(Keep in mind, while reading this post, Tammy and I are actually very intelligent business women and that everyone has some hilarious moments on vacation – don’t they?)

Wednesday night the road trip to Zion’s National Park began… it started off funny… and when you read the whole story you’re gonna laugh your pants off!

I have never laughed more in my entire life… the stories are gonna kill ya!

Wanna know the first thing we did?

Since we had decided on a Hawaiian theme for the trip… we had to start off with bright flower lei’s and flip flops with flowers on the toes!  RC wore one for a few minutes and then refused to participate in this part of the fun!

Tammy also insisted on treats.  We were on vacation after all, so we deserved lots of treats!   (Mom’s generally think this way!)  We stopped and got all kinds of great treats before we left town!  (We treat ourselves right… don’t we Tam!)

It was also really great of Tam to let us use her car for the trip, especially considering she didn’t drive it even once… and RC was drug out of bed in the middle of the night to move it!   Which was hilarious!

Tammy and I were quite the pair getting everything ready for this trip because she has carpel Tunnel Syndrome in her right arm and I pulled a muscle (really bad) in my right arm.

I think I pulled it when I practiced putting up the tent!

So we had to carry everything with our two left arms.  I am sure you can imagine this.  Together we made one able bodied person… so it took us forever to get the stinking car loaded this way!  We lifted every item together using just our two left arms and laughing our heads off the whole time.

We spent the first night of the trip with my grandparents in New Harmony where Randy got to meet my Grandma’s dog… named Randy!  It’s really funny when you’re dating a guy with the same name as your grandma’s dog.

Here Randy!

We got to see my sisters beautiful new house and Tammy and my grandpa Merl bonded over spreadsheets and bullet reloading… and believe it or not, spreadsheets about bullet reloading… and Grandma was thrilled that someone besides her wanted to hear about spreadsheets and bullet reloading because she and I can’t take it anymore!

After grandpa brought Tammy coffee for breakfast… she decided he is the best grandpa ever!

I already knew that!

He spent an hour that night trying to figure out how I could get into Zion’s FREE using his golden years pass with his picture on it.  I finally convinced him, that though I look a little like him, I was never going to pull off an 85 year old man… and that we could handle the $25. fee okay on our own!

Grandma also admitted finally… that when I was a girl, and she told me the beer in her cupboards was for the snails… she was lying!   I was shocked but proud! My grandma is a really good liar!

Though not to worry cousins… the beer under the sink in the laundry room is so dusty I think they’re good now.

The next morning we were awakened quite early because grandpa decided to mow the lawn at 6am!  Who mows the lawn at 6am?  Every time he hit the window well it was like striking the Liberty bell with our heads in it!

Since we were up anyway… we reloaded the car and headed out.

We had to reload the car because apparently Tammy and I didn’t do a very good job at packing it.  I also started backing up with the rear door open and almost dumped it all back out!  We are so glad you were with us RC to prevent any disasters…

… though Mr. B thinks you deserve some kind of medal for surviving 5 days with me and Tam!

When we reached the city of Hurricane it suddenly dawned on me… where was the big bag with the tent poles in it?

I don’t remember loading that…

Oh crap!

“Guys… I forgot the tent poles!”

They didn’t even believe me at first.

“I know it is shocking to imagine that I would do something that dumb! But I really forgot the tent poles!!!!”

We laughed until we couldn’t breathe… then I almost cried!

After all that work!  I practiced setting that dang tent up!!  I seriously forgot the poles!!!

We debated, for a few minutes, the possibility of rigging up the tent with ropes instead of poles…

But decided to stop at the Walmart in Hurricane and buy a new tent!

Tammy also decided that we deserved more treats – so she set out looking for some traditional “road trip” junk food.  Before I knew it, she was checking out with chips, drinks and “Slim Jim” beef jerky.  She explained to us, that when she was a kid, her dad always bought them Slim Jim beef jerky on road trips.

She got in the car, took one bite… and announced that Slim Jim’s are really disgusting and she can’t believe she used to eat them!

Then asked if I wanted a bite.

Don’t you hate that when someone tells you how gross something is and then asks if you want any?

No, you just said it was gross… why would I want any?

Even though it was disgusting, she still ate the whole thing!

Then spent the next four hours complaining that Slim Jim burps taste even more disgusting than eating the dang thing!

We are never buying those again!!!!!!

We finally arrived at Zion’s one hour late, paid our $25 fee and went to find our friends at the campsite.  Then it was time to put up the NEW tent and of course decorate it with Hawaiian stuff.

Tammy laughed her head off when I pulled out the sign I bought at All A Dollar… which I had told her said “The Tiki Hut”… (I honestly thought that’s what it said!)

When in reality it said… “The Tiki Bar.”

I seriously thought it said “HUT!”

She insisted that we still use it!

She thought it was hilarious.

I was still feeling a little dumb about the tent poles…so finding out the sign I bought, designated our tent as the bar, put me over the edge!!!

(I repeat, for the record… I am an extremely intelligent and straight laced LDS woman and I don’t normally sleep in a bar!)

Once we got the “Tiki Bar” set up… we cracked out the amazing lunch food Tammy and I planned for the crew.  Food is one thing, we always do right!

Except for the fact that we forgot silverware.  But everyone had fun rubbing their mayo and mustard into their bread by hand!  At least we brought good food!

After lunch we grabbed some of the gang and headed for the Emerald Pools hike. (Though Emerald slime puddles would be more accurate.)

We only got lost twice on this hike… (it was the blind leading the blind for sure) and we drove the guys crazy because we stopped so many times for pictures!

(No guys!  There are sections of the hike which I didn’t get on film… at least a few!)

On the way back to camp RC and Philip gave the bus driver nostril shots and extreme close-ups through the trailer camera and entertained us all.

We sure had fun with you (Philip and Cameron) and wish you guys had stuck around for the rest of the party!

That night we had chili dogs and cobbler by the fire and got to know everybody! (Tammy and Mr. B went into town for a nice dinner and to watch the Laker’s win! I wanted to enjoy nature more than the NBA!)

The wind blew like crazy that first night and a couple people considered murdering Bryant in his sleep cause his tarp was soooo dang noisy!  “If you weren’t so amazing with the fire and the cooking Bryant, they mighta strangled you with your own hammock!”

My snoring was mostly blocked out by the wind though, so my tent mates got a good nights sleep and didn’t even need their ear plugs!

We woke up Friday morning and it was seriously chilly!  We waited for a while to start our Narrows hike hoping it would warm up enough to make hiking in an ice cold river sound appealing.

Fortunately it did… and we headed to the Zion Adventure Company to rent neoprene socks and hiking boots!

They were so fashionable!

They also cut off the circulation to your toes within minutes and gave my feet serious claustrophobia.  I tried on 4 pairs before I found some that didn’t rub my feet raw!  After fitting all of us with pedestrian torture devices, they insisted that we sit down and watch a video about hiking the Narrows.

It was the funniest thing we have ever seen in our lives!

After explaining all the ways you can die in the canyon… and that you should be nice to other hikers and not kick water at them… they demonstrated how to relieve yourself, should you need to while on the hike.

This included watching a guy pee in the river and then poop behind a log… after which he lifts a plastic bag with about 12 pounds of poop up and drops it onto a log with this “take a look at what I did – bet you can’t top that!” expression of pride on his face!

Then he demonstrates that carrying that giant bag of poop back out with you is the right thing to do.

My comment was…“there is no way I’m pooping in a bag and carrying it out! No thank you! I will hold it in till we get back!”

I even laughed at Chris for buying TP and a poop bag from them!  Chris works at REI and really likes to have all the important equipment!  Like his famous knot-a-bag and his really cool silver water bottle!

Before we set out though… the bets were made!

Tammy and RC bet that I would be the first person to trip and take a nose dive into the river.

RC bet Tammy that she couldn’t go the whole hike without a dirty (naughty) comment!  I bet that she couldn’t go an hour!

Then we had to swing by camp one last time to get warm jackets and a more supportive bra for someone who shall remain nameless.  Tammy also needed a few more treats… then we were ready!

We were all excited and quite talkative when we boarded the bus to take us to the trail head.  Other people on the bus were chatting and happy too.  But about five minutes into the ride a grumpy little old lady, wearing a dish-towel scrubber on her head as a hat, (I am not kidding about the dish cloth) stood up and yelled at all of us to shut up so she could hear the recorded tour about the canyon.

The rest of the ride was total silence.

No one dared make a sound!

It was seriously awkward until the dish-towel lady got off.

Then Tammy made a comment about the shape of Chris’s water bottle which I think would definitely count as questionable, and the debate started as to whether she just lost the bet.  Even though she probably did, they let her have it because they all knew she would never make it!

“By the way Chris, has anyone ever told you that you look just like Dane Cook?  JK”

When we got the the river, we were immediately hit with the reality of hiking upstream against a waist deep, ice cold current, over a rocky riverbed!

This wasn’t gonna be easy!

It takes twice the effort to lift your foot and move it forward!  But those pedestrian torture device boots were suddenly the best decision we ever made. Those suckers make my feet look 15 inches long… but they stick to rock and feel wonderful in cold water!

We started making our way upstream, figuring out the best ways to cross and avoid deep pools but the canyon walls got narrower and narrower (that’s probably why they call it the Narrows huh)  … and as the walls got narrower… the water got deeper.

It was hilarious when the ice cold water finally hit crotch level.

The guys were screaming like little girls!

That’s when Tammy lost the bet for real, because she made a comment about raisins (that’s all I’m gonna say) but she lost the bet for sure with that one!

Then a couple minutes later someone who shall also remain nameless (RC) tripped and went under!

Yeah!!

WooHoo!!

It wasn’t me!!

HA HA!

Then a few minutes later Tammy tripped and went under!!!!

I admit it… I was dancing around and rubbing it in BIG TIME!

Yeah!!

I rock!

Those two were the first ones to trip!

I won!  I won!!!

At one point Tammy stepped in a deep spot and totally disappeared!  I was like… where’d she go?

I was dry… and I stayed dry and upright most of the day!

I didn’t fall until we were 100 feet from the end and even then I kinda let myself fall in so I’d be wet and cool on the hike down.

My balance was so amazing that I was  leaping from rock to rock whenever I could pretending I was a ballet dancer!  It was a blast and I was amazing… if I say so myself!

But… I ate crow big time…

…when I was the one person, out of the whole group…

… who had to poo while in the canyon.

I was so mad!

I held it in as long as I could.

I was so determined not to do that!

But when you gotta go – you gotta go!

Dang it!

To make it even worse… I had to ask Dane Cook (Chris) for the TP and the bag!

Then to make it even worse again… I slid down a rock, on my butt a little later, which made the back of my tan shorts all dirty… and my “so called” friends called me “poopy butt” the rest of the day!

I hate you guys!

…But now that I’ve seen the pictures I get why you were laughing your heads off.

That is sand though!

If you want to hear the rest of the story tune in tomorrow…

and check out the photos on facebook!

Day 200: What I’ve learned in the last 50 days… (so funny!)

I like to take these milestone days and share with you some of what I have been learning.  I can’t believe it’s been 200 days since my divorce!

Here are 50 things I have learned recently…

1. I’ve learned that wherever I go… no matter the state… the worst Utah drivers have followed me there.

2. I’ve learned that on any two lane highway…. the speed limit really is 65mph.

3. I’ve also learned that small town judges can be really nice and sympathetic to single moms who were going 80 mph.

4. I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop and wave back.

5. I’ve learned that if you do that in the city… people just think you’re weird.

But it’s really funny!

6. I’ve learned that girls can’t pee standing up on the back of a boat like a boy can, no matter how much they want to.

7. I’ve learned that my daughters, if recruited by the mafia, would actually kill off their mother in a heartbeat.

8. I’ve learned how to surf behind a boat and at flowrider even though they are completely different in every way… but both considered surfing.

9. I’ve learned how to bluff at poker!

10.  I’ve learned not to high five anyone, when the card I was hoping for shows up… apparently that kind of ruins the chance of bluffing.

11. I’ve learned that the average member of the church cannot name the three members of the First Presidency.

At least not late at night, at Lake Powell.

12. I’ve learned some new dance moves in the last 50 days!

(But my kids still think I’m a retard when I dance.)

Ditto for karaoke!

13. I learned that singing karaoke badly, in front of people,  is actually fun.

14. I’ve learned that our dog doesn’t want to eat broccoli anymore than the kids do.

15. I’ve learned that on the nights I cook a nice dinner, no one comes home to eat it and the nights I’m too tired to cook… all four kids come home with 3 hungry friends each.

16. I’ve learned to keep a lot of frozen pizzas on hand for those kinds of nights!

17. I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.

18. I’ve learned that sometimes the WHY behind what you do is really important because you can do the wrong thing for the right reason and it may become right or the right thing for the wrong reason and it may become wrong.

19. I’ve learned that when people behave badly they are just asking for attention and love.

20.  I’ve learned that if you want love in any situation, you should be the love in the situation.

21. I’ve learned not to take things personally because they are rarely about me.

22. I’ve learned how to throw a football with a perfect spiral.

23. I’ve learned how to hit a volleyball over the net correctly.

(At least some of the time….  OK – I’m still working on this one!)

24. I’ve learned how to swing backhand playing racquetball.

(I’ve been doing a great deal of sports recently huh!)

25. I’ve also learned that I can’t throw a baseball through an 8 x 8 opening to save my life…

… and I still suck royally at pool!

26. I’ve learned that it’s ok to say NO when someone asks you to dance if you feel uncomfortable.

27. But I’ve also learned that it’s really loving to say yes as often as possible – and that it is more consistent with the kind of person I want to be.

28. I’ve learned that it’s important to figure out what kind of single person you want to be upfront and remind yourself of it daily!

29. I’ve learned that it is totally normal for African American girls gums to turn dark during puberty.

That was a funny lesson, if I say so myself.

30. I’ve learned that gila monsters don’t let go if they bite you and that google sky can show you the constellations… but nothing beats looking at the real stars in the desert with a handsome boy holding your hand.

31. I’ve learned that when you’re afraid, you’re only focused on you… and when you choose to focus on others instead… the fear disappears.

32. I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.

33. I’ve learned that we are all responsible for what we do…

… unless we are celebrities.

34. I’ve learned to celebrate my mistakes because they are such great learning experiences… and it does no good whatsoever, to beat myself up.

35. I’ve learned that church dances are pretty lame no matter how old you are.

36. I’ve learned that when someone says “this church dance is going to be different” …   it won’t be.

37. I’ve NOW learned to how go to lame church dances… and make them  fun anyway!

38. I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.  But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

39. I’ve learned that even when you have pains, you don’t have to be one.

40. I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you…

… all you can do is stalk them and hope they give in eventually.

Just kidding.

41. I’ve learned that some people are just not going to like you and that’s ok… because lots of others will.

42. I’ve learned that I still love ice dancing and that I need to go often as a gift to myself.

43. I’ve learned to take off the blade guards before heading out to the ice!

44.  I’ve learned that the people you care most about in this life can be taken from you too soon, and all the ones you can’t stand…

….will never go away!

45.  I’ve learned how to use the weight machines at my gym correctly (at least some of them.)

46.  I’ve learned that I can now bicep press 15 pounds.

Which sounds pitiful… but I started at 5 pounds.

47. I’ve learned that I can’t even lift the 40 pound ones off the rack.

48.  I’ve learned that Stan is probably the strongest man on earth…

…. but he really should but a freakin shirt on!

49. I’ve learned that RC is probably the nicest man on earth… and that is more important that being strong (though Stan, you are really nice too.)

50. I’ve learned that the first testicular protection guard, or “Cup”, was used in Hockey in 1874…  The first helmet was used in hockey in 1974.  Which means it only took 100 years, for men to realize that their brain is also important.

I had to repeat that one again, because it’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in the last 50 days!

Day 197: Life University for Men

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN.

That’s right, in just six semesters you, too, can be a real man. Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR Fall Schedule:	MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS – Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
FIRST YEAR Winter Schedule:	MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception MEN 113 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
FIRST YEAR Spring Schedule:	MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like an Ass When You’re Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
SECOND YEAR Fall Schedule:	SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
SECOND YEAR Winter Schedule:	MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest – You Don’t Look Like Russel Wong – Especially Naked
SECOND YEAR Spring Schedule:	MEN 220 Omitting @#%~&*! From Your Vocabulary MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered Foreplay

Day 196: Life University for Women

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
(Prepared and Presented by Men)

1. Are You Ready to Leave?  The meaning of YES!
2. Inappropriate Rhetorical Questions  (formerly titled “Honey, Do I Look Fat?”)
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World:  A Study in Contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS: It’s YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly “It’s Happened Monthly Since Puberty, Deal With It”)
10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: Oil and Water
14. The Super Bowl: Not Just a Game, But A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled “Me Too Equals I Love You”)
16. How to Earn Your Own Money
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled “Fabric Bad, Electronics Good”)
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond “Clean and Dirty”: The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET’S LET IT DROP
22. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple’s Public Arguments
23. Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (formerly titled “WE learned to deal with the embarrassment”)
24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 569 Channels
25. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
26. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out.
28. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above “I Do”
29. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
30. Sex: It’s for married people too.

Please sign up early. Seats are very limited.

Day 195: 100 Ways to Annoy People

1. 1. Sing the batman song incessantly.
   2. Write in the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
   3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
   4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
   5. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
   6. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
   7. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
   8. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
   9. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
   10. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
   11. Sniffle incessantly.
   12. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
   13. Name your dog “Dog.”
   14. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
   15. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
   16. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
   17. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
   18. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
   19. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
   20. Practice making fax and modem noises.
   21. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
   22. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
   23. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
   24. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
   25. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
   26. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
   27. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
   28. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
   29. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
   30. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
   31. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
   32. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
   33. Drum on every available surface.
   34. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
   35. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
   36. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
   37. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
   38. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
   39. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
   40. Set alarms for random times.
   41. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
   42. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
   43. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
   44. Honk and wave to strangers.
   45. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
   46. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
   47. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
   48. Wear your pants backwards.
   49. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
   50. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
   51. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
   52. only type in lowercase.
   53. dont use any punctuation either
   54. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
   55. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
   56. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
   57. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
   58. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
   59. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
   60. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”
   61. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
   62. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
   63. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
   64. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
   65. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
   66. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
   67. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
   68. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
   69. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
   70. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
   71. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
   72. Drive half a block.
   73. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
   74. Ask people what gender they are.
   75. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
   76. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
   77. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
   78. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
   79. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
   80. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
   81. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
   82. Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
   83. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
   84. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
   85. Wear a LOT of cologne.
   86. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
   87. Sing along at the opera.
   88. Mow your lawn with scissors.
   89. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
   90. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
   91. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
   92. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
   93. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
   94. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
   95. Never make eye contact.
   96. Never break eye contact..
   97. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
   98. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
   99. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
   100. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

Day 194: Are funny women intimidating?

I read an article today claiming that men don’t fancy FUNNY women… because it scares the poor dears.  Can you believe that?

Research actually shows men find female wits a turn-off.

What’s up with that?

Women see men with a sense of humour as dangerous and sexy, while many men see it as threatening.  Basically, they said that humour is a mark of intelligence and can therefore be intimidating.

(Aren’t most men over the fact that we’re smarter than them?  LOL)

I had a friend tell me once, not to tell my funny stories in public because it is masculine energy to do so, and men won’t find me attractive.   I was so surprised to hear this… because I thought it worked for me.

I do get asked out after all!

The man I am currently dating says he loves my funny stories.  This leads me to believe that some men, probably those who show up with more masculine energy and less confidence might be the ones who feel threatened while those more comfortable in their own skin are not.   Just a theory.

Lauren Antler, a a stand up comedian says most people don’t expect women to make them laugh. “People think it’s an anomaly to be funny and female, so they think you’re weird” she said.

Stand-up comic Beck Krefting,  says it’s not socially sanctioned for girls to be funny. “It’s OK for guys to crack jokes and be the class clown, but if a girl did it, she was marked the strange one.”

Krefting agrees that men are uncomfortable with women having the power associated with humor. “When you’re the one cracking the joke, you’re in control of the conversation,” she says. “Men are the ones supposed to be in control.”

Rather than being in charge, society gives girls the message that they need to be quiet and well-behaved.  A lot of people are threatened by funny women,” she says. “Women are just not socialized to use comedy as power. We’re socialized to play nice. ”

I have to admit I get my sense of humor from my dad.

He was the funny one… and boy does he know how to tell stories that crack everyone up.

My mom, on the other hand, doesn’t do that sort of thing at all.

But I do.

I know how to tell a funny story!

(But you guys know that!)

Though I admit, telling funny stories takes a lot of confidence.  It’s a big risk to put yourself out there like that.  So, my confidence may very well intimidate men who are not as confident.  That would make sense.

But if they aren’t confident I probably wouldn’t want to date them anyway.  I want to date men who are confident and appreciate a great sense of humor.

Though women are said to have a great sense of humor when they laugh at men’s jokes, not when they make jokes themselves.  So the question is…

“If a woman makes a joke and a man doesn’t laugh, is it still funny?”

Just kidding.

The real question is…

Should I continue to be my funny self or should I restrain my hilarious thoughts and just laugh at a guys jokes instead?

Should I be a funny woman?

Or should I be quieter and let the men crack the jokes?

I don’t think I couldn’t stop being funny if I tried… it’s just me.

Oh well!

I’d love to hear your comments on this one…

Day 193: Midnight Flow Rider wasn’t kind to my henna tattoo or my swimsuit!

It was a wacky Friday.

The girls and I started getting ready for three camping trips coming up in the next two weeks.  We decided that our thermarest pads weren’t soft enough for maximum comfort sleeping on the ground.

We really wanted some of those thick foam pads.  Since we were headed to Walmart for groceries anyway, we thought we get those too.  But Walmart didn’t have any.

(I thought Walmart had everything!)

Then Tammy recommended Recreation Outlet so we drove out to 33rd south and state.

Again… they didn’t have any, but they did have some good waterproof hiking socks so we got those.   The people there, recommended the Army Surplus Store on 50th South and Redwood to get foam pads – so we got back in the car to drive across town again.

If you’ve never been to the Army Surplus store it’s a pretty interesting place… they have all kinds of cool stuff, but apparently – not foam pads – because soldiers are tough and don’t need pansy pads!

The Army Surplus guy was real helpful though and recommended that we look at the amazing Thermarest pads because they are the best ones by far and the most comfortable to sleep on.

The same ones we already had to begin with!

Geez.

Next we ran to my brothers house to borrow a huge tent for the Zions trip.  When we arrived, my sister-in-law was busy giving henna tattoo’s to her children and a few of the neighbors. (Something her husband, my brother, wasn’t real excited about.)

We wanted in on this… for sure!

Laney got a peace sign on her ankle and the word LOVE on her hand.

Abby got a really beautiful vine on her wrist and I had Steph paint a really cool flower on my ankle.

They looked so cool!

Then we had to deal with the tent.

The thing is HUGE.

I think it sleeps 10.

There was one giant bag (which took three of us to carry, because if you remember, I have no arm strength whatsoever) with the tent, tarp and stakes in it – but we couldn’t find the other bag with the poles in it.  We searched their garage up and down.

In the end, we had to call Scott at the office to ask where they were, and he explained that the bag of poles was behind the waterskis (which was such an obvious place I don’t know why we didn’t look there!)

The problem was that two of the longest poles (which were supposed to slide together) had been bent and could no longer slide.  So Scott had bolted them together – which made the one pole about 9 – 10 feet long.   I couldn’t get the bolt out, so we were just going to have to take it like that.

This is a problem if you drive a tiny toy car like a Toyota Prius.

It took some serious figuring to get that sucker in there without breaking either the back window or the windshield (something Steph has done twice… Yes, it runs in the family!)

I had to run it all the way from the front to the back, with two kids holding on to it to get it in.

Next, I need to try setting up that tent, to make sure I know how and have all the right parts. That will be interesting – I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Then we grabbed some Taco Bell… nothing like a beef chalupa when you’re starving!

Then, we ran home to get some stuff done before we had to drive to Ogden to meet Nick at Flowrider.   Nick is one of the sweetest guys ever and has been such a great friend to me.  He has been asking us to come try Flowrider with him and his boys for months.  I am always too busy but we really wanted to try it after learning to surf at Lake Powell.

It’s quite pricey though, like $20. a person.

Nick convinced us to try it on Friday night because if you go at 11pm, it’s only $5. per person.

(Which makes sense because all the sane people are home in bed – not getting their butts blasted off in an indoor wave pool!)

But as you know, I’m not one of the sane people!

So let me explain how this thing works.  Water comes shooting out of high powered jets across the front of the foam shaped wave, at seriously fast speeds and washes you, your board and anything else not tied down or surfing – up and out on the top!   This water is moving seriously fast!

I was the first to try it.

Nick positioned the surf board on the pads at the front with the back end hanging over the water jets.  He handed me a rope and slowly pushed me out – while explaining that I had to keep all my weight on my back foot or I was a gonner.

I lasted about 40 seconds (maybe less) before I lost my balance and went down… and was blown like a rag doll to the back of the thing.

Surfing Tip of the Day #1 –  Don’t wear a bikini top when you’re going to be blasted with  high powered water jets.

That’s all I’m saying!

The girls saw my less than successful attempt at this… and decided to try the body-boards first.  I decided to join them once I got my top straightened out.

But  just because body-boarding seems easier than surfing… does not mean it is easy!

You still have the same basic problem… you must keep your weight on the back part of the board and you must stay perfectly straight and in control… or you’re gonna get your swimsuit, your new henna tattoo and possibly a limb blown off.

Twice, I started to get on the board and accidently got my leg in the jets and was blown away before I could even start.  That was humiliating!  Twice!

Finally Nick suggested that we trying laying flat on the board instead of kneeling and that helped a lot.  (You mighta told us that a little sooner though buddy!)

In the end the girls and I each had a couple great rides…

It was really fun!  I think we’re hooked!

Though I am writing this on Saturday morning… and we are all feeling some bumps and bruises from our adventure.  We seriously went down hard a couple times!

But we are really clean…

… my swimsuit is a little stretched out…

and my henna tattoo is pretty much gone… dang it.

Day 192: What I have learned from watching TV

1. The ventilation system of any building is always big enough to travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

2. A lot can happen in 24 hours.

3. If staying in a haunted house, women must go investigate any strange noises they hear and they must do this in their most sexy underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time their car broke down.

4. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

5. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.

6. If anyone chases anyone else through a city, one of them will run into the street, nearly being hit by a car screeching to a halt at which point the driver flails his arm out the window and yells an expletive.

7. Anytime someone in an awful rush confronts someone who is curious about his predicament, the first one will say, “There’s no time to explain,” and then  he will explain anyway.

8. Heavy guns, for example on helicopters, cause cosmetic damage to the hero’s transport, but one bullet makes the bad guys chopper blow up.

9. If in a battle scene a bad guy actually manages to shoot a good guy, the good guy’s friend always has time to listen to his friend’s dying speech. Once dead, the friend stands up and shoots the correct bad guy (amongst a whole host of bad guys). The bad guy has apparently been sitting around just waiting to be shot!!

10. A woman being chased by a murderer will always trip, either because she’s running in stilettos or is ridiculously clumsy.

11. Women can never find their car keys while being pursued by a killer. Once they do find them, it takes them ages to fumble the keys into the ignition, giving the killer enough time to reach the car and pound on the window.

12. When big creatures who eat people come after you… the most annoying people will always be eaten first.  This is some kind of universal karma thing.

13. Vicious guard dogs can be easily distracted with a piece of steak.

14. A small goat is capable of propelling a fully grown man through the air by butting him in the ass with it’s horns.

15. Anytime a person is expecting a bad guy to jump out at them, they’ll sigh in relief when it’s just the cat, or the wind, or a tree branch against the window. But as soon as they let their guard down and laugh at their “silliness”, they’re going to be attacked by the bad guy that really was there after all.  This never fails.

16. When someone puts a baby down to bed, that baby coos and smiles, and then just goes right off to sleep. It’s amazing… but not in the least bit realistic.

17. If someone jumps off a bridge into a river, lake, etcetera, the water will always be deep enough to keep them from getting hurt. But if a bad guy falls from a river, he/she’s good as gone.

18. Police officers never wait for back-up and good looking police officers don’t ever need it.

19. Bad things usually happen whenever women are alone in a house on a stormy night.

20. Bad guys die instantly, good guys die slowly.

21. When the good guy is being attacked by a gang, they will run at him one at a time while the rest stay (in the case of ninjas, dance) around in a menacing manner, allowing him to kick all of their asses by the time the scene is over.

22. Most of police investigations require at least one visit to a strip club.

23. You can always jump from tall buildings and safely land on mattresses, a pile of boxes, or a dumpster full of garbage and, though you might groan and be a little slow getting up, you will not sustain any serious injury.

24. It’s very easy to fool the security guards at highly top secret government institutions.

25. It’s very easy for a computer hacker to break a security code and find just the information he’s looking for in less than a minute.

26. If you’re a criminal mastermind, you cannot just shoot the hero in the back, you have to tie him up and wait for some diabolical machine to finish the hero off and you can’t wait around to make sure it works, which allows the hero a chance to escape, which he always does because apparently no bad guy ever got his knot tying badge in the boy scouts.

27. When an ugly girl takes off her glasses, gets a haircut, and puts on nice clothes she is always very hot.

28. No matter who you are calling, no matter what time you are making the call, the person you’re calling will always answer the phone, usually after only one or two rings. Of course, this assumes you aren’t running from a killer while trying to make a call on a cell phone, in which case there is a 100% chance that either the battery will be dead or you won’t be able to get a signal.

29. Whenever you put on a seatbelt, you will get into an accident.

30. A devious villain will immediately shoot any non-important people whenever needed without hesitation. However when he finally has the chance to kill the hero, he will undoubtedly hold a firearm trained on said protagonist for at least 90 seconds while performing a well-written soliliquoy. This delay is all the hero needs to escape.

31. When a woman is being pursued by a scary serial killer that she knows is in her house, she will always run upstairs instead of out of the house.  “These stupid women drive me crazy and no matter how much I yell at them – they do it anyway.”

32. You can break into any house or door with a credit card.

33. The bad guy will always tell the good guy every detail about his master-plan instead of just shooting him.  Again this is all he needs to craft an escape.

34. When someone has stopped breathing and has no pulse, simply breathing into her mouth twice and looking extremely distressed while screaming “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” will bring her back to life immediately.

35. Aliens will always have more advanced techonology than us.

36. When you turn on the tv, the news will always be on and they will be reporting the exact incidence you are interested in at that very moment.

37. There’s always a corrupt police officer or someone you trusted will end up being a bad guy.

38. If you meet a member of the opposite sex, and you both hate each other… don’t worry… you’ll eventually fall in love with each other.

39. Major disasters always happen in New York.  (Though this one may actually be true!)

40. The President is always very considerate and well-spoken. Not to mention he always is able to fly a jet fighter when needed.

41.  True love exists and people really do live happily ever after.

42. There is no problem that can’t be solved in under an hour.

… and people say watching TV is wasted time!

Day 195: Ways to annoy people and entertain yourself in a public restroom

From the response I received about yesterday’s post… I concluded that most men are not intimidated by funny women as long as they are also loving and kind – but even if they aren’t nice funny women, the men are not intimidated as much as turned off.  I apparently pull off humor because I do it in a fun feminine way – at least that is what the men who responded said.

I liked that answer!

So I will continue to be a funny girl!

———————————————————————————–

This was sent to me by a friend after my post about what really happens in the women’s restroom and I have to admit it’s pretty funny, but kinda gross too.

Definitely some things my teen-age boys would do – and laugh their heads off!

• Stick your palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “Can I borrow a highlighter?”
• Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
• Say to yourself but out loud, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
• Drop a marble in the toilet and say, “Oh No!! My glass eye!!”
• Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet.  Sigh relaxingly.
• Say, “Now how did that get there?”
• Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”
• Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa ! Whoa!
• Say,” Interesting…more sinkers than floaters”
• Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here?
• Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks
• Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressers Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
• Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

Would anyone actually do these?  I hope not.

Day 191: The Shortest Books & I Lost my Karaoke Virginity

Yes it’s true… I sang karaoke!

In front of people… for the first time ever!

I’m no longer a karaoke virgin!

I am so glad all my friends were there to do it with me.

You may remember a few weeks ago I wrote about Karaoke night in SLC and overcoming fears. Last night was my chance to go back and do things differently.  It was my chance to show up without fear – get crazy and just have fun.

I went in there focused on meeting new people and making new friends (especially watching for people who felt awkward like I did last time.)

As soon as I got there, Giovanni decked me out with a grass skirt and lei so I was looking really beachie!  Then the party was on!

It was a blast…

I made lots of new friends and was so warmly welcomed by the two Justins, Mike, Jared, Jamie and Michelle… I felt right at home.  I hope that maybe I did the same for others, I tried to.

Then to top off a fun night… I signed up to sing “Love will keep us together” by Captain and Tenille.

“Yes Dave, I once called it ‘Stop, cause I really love you’ and I agree that didn’t make sense but I eventually figured out the right title.”

If you haven’t heard the song… you ought to look it up on itunes – it’s so totally me!

I got up there and was ready to sing it alone… when all of a sudden Jared decided to help me.

“I appreciated not being up there alone bud… but you don’t know the tune – at all!”

He wasn’t even singing the same song I was singing… I finally had to ask him to stop cause he was messing me up even more.  HA ha

“Sorry bud but you gotta learn the tune first!”

On my own, I think I did pretty good – except for the fact that I couldn’t hear my own voice because of how the speakers were set up.

So maybe I was horrible, I don’t know!

People said that I did good afterwards, but they are really nice people… and were probably too nice to say I sucked.

The thing is… it was so fun!  I got so into it!

I have always admired people who are comfortable enough with themselves to get up there and sing, dance and look stupid.  It takes some good self esteem  to put yourself out there and go for it and I think it’s awesome.  So that’s what I did.

It was so fun… I think I’ll do it again!

I’m hooked!

(Bring your earplugs next week guys.)

————————————————————————————-

I found this online the other day and it cracked me up!

The World’s Shortest Books …

• “The Book of Virtues” by Bill Clinton
• “My Plan To Find The Real Killers” by O.J. Simpson
• Human Rights Advances in China
• America’s Most Popular Lawyers
• Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
• Detroit – A Travel Guide
• Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
• Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
• Easy UNIX
• Al Gore: The Wild Years
• Everything Men Know About Women
• Everything Women Know About Men
• French Hospitality
• George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
• “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
• Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
• One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
• “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
• The Amish Phone Directory
• The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
• “Beauty Secrets” by Janet Reno
• “Home-Built Airplanes” by John Denver
• “How to Get to The Super Bowl” by Dan Marino
• “Things I Love About Bill” by Hillary Clinton
• “My Life’s Memories” by Ronald Reagan
• “Things I Can’t Afford” by Bill Gates
• Amelia Earhart’s Guide to The Pacific Ocean
• “All The Men I’ve Loved Before” by Ellen Degeneres

Day 190: Girl etiquette and being a wing-woman

I have been very lucky to have the best wing-woman ever, in my best friend Tammy.  She is a friend who always stays by my side (or at least keeps her eyes on me) during our girls nights out.

Having a friend that knows how to be a good wing-woman is essential when you are out in the dating scene.  So I wanted to give some suggestions that Tammy and I have discovered about how the whole wing-woman thing works.

First, a good wing-woman serves a dual purpose of one, shielding you from unwanted attention, while two, helping you to get desired attention your way.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been cornered on the dance floor by someone I don’t want to be with, only to have Tammy come up and grab my hand and say “Hey I need your help for a minute!” and yank me out of the situation.

I have done the same for her.

You may want to arrange some signals ahead of time for “Save me!”  or  “I’m loving this guy!”  so you’ll know when to intervene and when not to.

Though your facial expression is often enough.

Your wing-woman may also help you in meeting guys you’re interested in.  She may start a conversation with the cute guy of your choice so that you don’t have to appear too eager, then subtly melt away to let you two lovebirds seal the deal.

On one occasion I noticed a really cute guy checking Tammy out – I also noticed her checking him out.  So I asked Tam (always ask permission to help, before you do it!) if she would like me to arrange an introduction.

Since this wasn’t my guy, I felt very comfortable starting a conversation with him and then introducing him to Tam.  This one turned out to be really shy and couldn’t carry a conversation to save his life, Tam quickly decided he wasn’t for her but at least she had the chance to find out.

A good wing-woman is always on the look out, scoping the place out to see if there are interesting guys that you might like to meet.  Make sure that you introduce her to any great ones that you already know and vice-versa.  Sometimes I know more people at an event than Tammy does and it is definitely my job to make sure she meets them all.

Another thing we often do is arrange double dates, especially if one of us has a boyfriend and the other is just barely getting to know a new guy.  Whoever has the boyfriend (and the boyfriends often get involved in this too) is the wing-woman, who’s job it is to check out the new guy, make you look good and help if the date starts going down in flames!

Unlike men, a wing-woman is not expected to hang out with the ugly friend of the hot guy, so that you can have the hot one.  (Ok on a rare occasion maybe) but as a general rule we don’t like to do that to each other.  We generally prefer to find two hot ones!

Here are a couple suggestions to be a better wing-woman to your friends:

1) Sometimes be content to be the supporting actress and let your friend be the star of the show.  Avoid sexy dancing, telling long funny stories or anything else that would draw the guys attention to you.  You may want to dress down just a bit on occasion to let your friend shine.  Another night – it could be your turn!

2)  It works best if your wing-woman is about the same as you, as far as looks, fashion, etc.  If you have a wing-woman who is way better looking – you may end up being the wing-woman every time you go out.   You want two superstars – not a superstar and a bench warmer.  Find a friend that is an equal to you and things will go better.

3)  Know when to get lost.  A good wing-woman knows when it’s time to leave the love birds alone.  Say that you need to run to the restroom and clear off for a while to give them a chance to talk.  Still keep your eye on her from distance though until you know that this guy is safe to hang out with.  Don’t just leave her high and dry because things could go badly and she might still need to be rescued.

4)  Don’t get jealous if your friend meets a great guy.  Be happy for her and remember that if she finds someone – then it will become her job to help you.  You’ve got to be genuinely happy for your friend.

Being a good wing-woman means functioning from a place of trust that there is a “right one” out there for both of you and if this one likes her more – then it’s meant to be that way and there’s a better one for you still out there.

Sometimes Tammy and I find that it’s difficult to tell which one of us, a guy is interested in.  If this happens – one of us will decide to let the other one take it for a while and see what happens.  If the guy seems to lose interest, we may switch it up.

I had a man ask my advice, on this issue recently.  He had been hanging out with these two girls.  One he liked a lot – the other seemed to like him.  So his question was… “Am I screwed here, because the friend that I like, can’t like me, because her friend does?”

I told him the only chance he had, was if they happened to talk about the situation the way Tam and I often do.  The one who liked him may realize that he was more into her friend and give her friend permission to go for it.   This kind of thing happens with us all the time.

Apparently these girls didn’t communicate a lot though – so he was kind screwed.  Girl etiquette says that if your friend likes him, you should back off.  Unless she gives you permission to go for it.

Another suggestion I would really recommend is to have some wing-men.  They are awesome at starting up conversations with other men and then introducing you to them.  A few weeks ago we went to a dance with my guy friend BG.  At one point a really hot guy walked past us and we were all drooling over him.  So BG, when the time was right, starting talking to the guy and became friends.  It was so casual and easy for us all to get introduced – it was awesome.

I also like having some wing-men to protect us from the creepy or drunk men that we occasionally have to deal with.  I love hanging with RJ and BC who have been the best body-guards ever.  It is hilarious to watch them scare these people off if they get too close.

Bottom line – isn’t it great to have good friends!

I could not have survived the last 8 months without my wonderful friends and especially Tam.  I am also so grateful for the new friends I have made and so appreciate them being in my life.

Life is good with good friends in your life!

Day 189: I thought I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.

Are you decisive or indecisive?

“For me.. I’m not sure…

Can I think about it and get back to you?”

If you have trouble making decisions or you often doubt yourself when you do make decisions, this might be an issue for you… or maybe your issue is something else entirely.

Indecision can be a sign of low self confidence… at least it might be.

I’m not really sure.

I could be wrong.

Though indecision can also be the secret to flexibility, though flexibility also leads to a lot of indecision.

We have all made decisions that later we regretted and wished that we had decided differently.  Sometimes what we thought was the right thing turns out to be the wrong thing.

But maybe the right thing that now seems wrong, was the perfect thing, so the wrong thing, that you thought was right, really was right.

Though I could be wrong about all of this.

I’m plagued with indecision in my life on occasion.  Sometimes I can’t even figure out what to order in a restaurant or what clothes to wear.

Though this indecision may or may not really be that much of a problem.

Making decisions is not always fun. It is even less fun when the decision maker is under the perception that deciding means committing to one out of a multitude of other possibilities which means losing out on some other possibilities.

Though this may not be the only possibility when it comes to the problem of making decisions.

Usually when you make a decision, the more painful options will tend to be avoided, while less painful paths will be chosen more often.  Second, if a path that avoids making the decision at all exists, then even the less painful decision will tend to be avoided more often.

Though even thinking about these decisions can often be painful enough.  And we are sometimes deciding between two options that are both equally painful.  It can even be painful to decide which of the options is more painful.

What do these decisive facts tell us?

Seriously!

Okay I’ll drop the silliness because this is important.  You have to trust yourself when you are dating. You must listen to your inner truth and be able to make tough decisions.

But no one is going to make the right decisions all the time.  Get over it.  Not even successful people choose successfully every time they make a decision.

So the secret is to let go of the need to make correct decisions every single time and just make a dang decision!

Accept the fact that you will always make the best decision you can with what you know at the time and that is all the universe expects of you.

Let go of fear around the outcome.  Trust that you have the ability to make the best decision you can, at this moment, and that is good enough.

Have confidence in your decision and follow through.  Trust yourself!

Sometimes though, trusting yourself may mean riding things out and not making a decision yet.  You can wait until more information shows up, to help you decide.  Again, you should trust your inner truth.  You have all the answers inside you.  Of this I am sure!

At least that is what I decided.

I hope that made sense – it was fun to write – even if it doesn’t!  🙂

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Something funny happened to me this morning…

I starting working early this morning (my favorite way – in my PJ’s) but I kept hearing my cell phone ringing somewhere.

I couldn’t figure out where I left it… but I was too busy to take time to look for it.

Finally I had a break and went looking… still couldn’t find it anywhere!

I thought I’d left it in my bedroom, but it just wasn’t there.

Then I decided to call myself and see if I could hear it.

It still sounded like it was in my bedroom, but it wasn’t there!

I need an App that tells me where I left my dang iphone!  Could someone please invent that?

After more searching…

I finally realized where it was…

I had made the bed this morning…

…and somehow dropped my phone down under the covers.

Is that me, or what?

Day 188: What Really Happens in the Women’s Restroom?

…and why do women have to go in pairs?

I realize that this is one of the great mysteries of life, so I thought I’d let you in on the secrets.

It is usually because we have an urgent need for some girl talk… even more than we need to pee.  The peeing is often not even a factor.  There is just a seriously urgent need to answer these types of questions:  (and the restroom is usually the best place to do this.)

“Was he checking you out or what?!

So are you guys going home together, or what’s the deal here?”

“I hate this guy, lets think of a way to get out of here!”.

Sorry to blow the cover ladies. We just want to talk about things we don’t necessarily want the men or anyone else to hear.  It gives us a chance to say things we can’t say in the group.  It also gives us a little girl bonding time.

I often use this opportunity to get to know one of the women that I just met in the group. We can connect much better here (over some girl talk) than we can out in the confusion of the event.

Tammy and I have had some hilarious trips to the restrooms.   One of the funniest was on a night when we went to dinner with a big group of people we didn’t know well.  One guy showed up with a group of friends both men and women – then proceeded to be the biggest ass ever.

He was crude, rude and so arrogant it was unbelievable.   I was sitting next to him and he was also touching me way too much, it was freaking me out.  (I hate space invaders!)  So I told Tammy that I needed to go to the bathroom and insisted she go with me.

As you can imagine, the minute we were out of earshot, we starting ripping on the guy and what a jerk he was.  This conversation was still in full swing when we entered the bathroom, then to our surprise… out of another stall comes one of the jerks girl friends.

We were totally busted dissin on him!

She asked who we were talking about and thinking quick, I told her we were talking about our guy friend at the other end of the table.  (Who is really the nicest guy on the planet) Sorry BD, we threw you under the bus to save ourselves.

Once the girl left, we laughed our heads off over it!  Poor DB we made you out to be the worst guy ever – and you were totally innocent.  Then we made plans to ditch these people as soon as possible.

These kinds of plans are often made in the restroom.

It is more of a strategy session and fixing of wardrobe or make-up place… than a bathroom for us.

We also use this time to decide who likes who and who’s gonna go for who.  Sometimes the guy I liked is obviously interested in Tam – so this is the time and place to say… “Tam, he is more into you than me – so you should go for it!”

It is also the place I go to fix wardrobe malfunctions or to check for lipstick on my teeth – both which happen quite frequently (at least to me.)

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What guys do  in the men’s bathroom:

1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom.

2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room

3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a ‘safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.

4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.

5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.

6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.

7) Wash hands.

8) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.

9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn’t forget anything.

10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.

11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long.”

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What women do in the ladies bathroom:

1) Try to beat all other women into the restroom because there is always a line and if you let a few in front of you, you could have another 15 minute wait.

The lines at women’s restrooms are longer because it simply takes longer on average for a woman to use a restroom. There’s no big secret to this.

If men didn’t have urinals and actually washed their hands, they’d take just as long.

2) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it’s always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.

3) If you were talking to someone when you entered the restroom – keep talking even when you’re both sitting on your porcelain thrones, especially if it’s a friend or sibling or someone you know well.

4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.

5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.

6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!

7) Start to take off all 27 layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.

8) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!

9) If the automatic flushing system misfires (as it often does) as flushes your paper away because you took to long… go back to step 4 and start again.

10) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can’t move, or you’ll get germs!

11) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from the seat!

12) If you discover that you don’t have toilet paper ask someone in the next stall to hand you some.

13) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!

14) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.

15) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.

16) Flush.  Or let the automatic flusher do the work, and feel it spray water from how powerfully it flushes, which is totally disgusting!  Take a second and be disgusted.

17) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.

18) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.

19) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.

20) Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!

21) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.

22) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING!

23)Make your move to counter/mirror section.  Spread out contents of purse on counter.

24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.

25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!

26)  On the way out of the bathroom, try to figure out how to get out with re-touching the door handle.

27) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast … You were really quick this time!

You knew he would get out there before you because he doesn’t have to pull down his pants all the way to go, nor does he wash his hands appropriately.

So now you know what happens!

May your life be like a roll of toilet paper – long and useful!

Click here to read a hilarious story about why you shouldn’t use a cell phone in the bathroom. This guy is a great writer even though the story is disgusting.

Day 187: Don’t read this one while eating!

I was surprised by a rather large spider in my kitchen sink yesterday… and I have to admit that I ran from the room with high pitched screaming, shaking and waving my arms in the air like a crazy person.

(You can picture that huh!)

But, don’t worry, after the heebie jeebies calm down a bit, I got my wits about me and went back and killed it.  Though I also have to admit, at that moment… I really wished there was a dang man in my house.

I hate killing bugs!

Actually I just hate bugs in general.

I’m a girl!

Why do most women run from the room screaming when they see a bug?

I had a man pose this question recently… Why are women so afraid of bugs, when they can pour hot wax on their bodies and rip their hair out by its roots?

Good question!

Here is my take on it…

First…  if killing bugs made us pretty, we’d do it.

But it doesn’t…  so we’d really rather you did it.

Second, hey… if we didn`t wax, we`d be scarier than bugs.

Third…  it’s fun to have a big strong man protect us from harm.

Even though it is unlikely that we are really in danger from these bugs –  They are completely disgusting and being saved from them is kinda romantic.

It kinda feels like being saved from a beast by a handsome prince… I know that’s corny!

But I really think that is part of it.

Though most of us princesses will pull it together and eventually save ourselves… if no princes are in the vicinity.

It’s a lot more fun to be saved!

Having said that, bugs really do give me the heebie jeebies.

You read my story about the ants in Arizona.  Well, we had more bug problems at Lake Powell… there were millions of gnats!

The interesting part is… the gnats consistently bothered the guys more than they bothered us girls.  It was weird.

One theory was that the gnats were all female, so they were only after the men.  (Yes the men came up with that one – wanting to believe that something female would swarm all over them!)

Keep dreaming guys!

I think in reality, it was about the differences between men and women and what bugs us.

Men do not like to be bothered, nagged, hovered over or constantly irritated.  So gnats drive them crazy!

There were just as many gnats around us girls… but we are used to constant buzzing around us, so we just weren’t as bothered by them.

We have kids, husbands and boy friends who won’t leave us alone.  We have children driving us crazy all day every day.  We can’t even use the bathroom alone… so a few gnats flying around our heads is no big deal.

Spiders are a whole different matter.

Spiders sneak up on you.  They infiltrate your space and bite you before you even see them coming.  They are creepy, hairy and dirty!  These are things women hate!

Men are okay with creepy, hairy and dirty!  As a matter of fact men are quite comfortable with it. They also recognize that they are bigger, creepier, hairier and dirtier than spiders and love to have the chance to kill something.

Gnats are harder to kill…  hence not as fun as spiders.

At least that is my theory.

But I will make a case for why it is perfectly reasonable that women get the heebie jeebies from bugs:     (This is the part you don’t want to read while eating.)

1. For every person on the earth, there are two hundred million insects. More insects can be found in only ten square feet of rainforest than there are people in Manhattan. One square mile of rural land can hold more insects than there are human beings on Earth.

2. Each year the average person will “eat” several insects while they are sleeping. During the average lifetime, a person consumes about seventy insects and ten spiders during their sleep. According to some sources, beetles have a taste that is similar to apples while wasps taste like pine nuts.

3. The Department of Health and Human Services has set standards regarding how many insect parts are food can contain, called the Food Defect Action Levels. Chocolate can have up to eight insect fragments per hundred grams, while peanut butter can have only sixty fragments. Meanwhile, wheat flour can have 150 fragments per hundred grams and paprika can have 300 fragments.

4. A flea can jump about two hundred times the length of their body, which is about thirteen inches. This is the equivalent to a six foot tall human jumping nine hundred feet.

5. A cockroach can live nine days without eating. This is also the same amount of time that the body of a cockroach can live after its head has been cut off before it eventually dies from starvation.

6. Mosquitoes are more likely to bite children than adults, blonde-haired people rather than brown-haired people, and people wearing dark clothing. They are also attracted to people who just ate bananas or finished exercising. This is because foods high in potassium and exercising cause your body to release lactic acid, which is attractive to mosquitoes.

7. More people are afraid of spiders than death. Amazingly, few people are afraid of Champagne corks even though you are more likely to be killed by one than by a spider.

8. The average bed contains between two million to six million dust mites.

Got the heebie jeebies yet?

Moral of this story…

I wish I had a man around the house – to save me from spiders!