You know you have a large family when…

It’s been a crazy but wonderful holiday season at the Sayer/Giles home.

Thing with GMA are moving forward.  My good friend Rick Egan filmed five video segments the producers requested this morning and we are submitting them tomorrow.  They will narrow the field to a top ten next week – so stay tuned to find out what happens.

We had eight kids at our house for Christmas this year and it has been a blast.  I have to say, last Christmas was the worst I’ve ever had… and this Christmas was probably my best ever.

In spite of the fact that the storms have ripped the siding off the house, the water heater is leaking and the presents under the tree were lean to say the least.

It was all about having the man of my dreams, my soul mate and best friend by my side – and these amazing kids who mean the world to us!!!!

Patrick is so good to me and is adjusting well to having this huge crazy family!  When I read the following about big families though, I laughed my head off and decided I had to share them with you.

You know you have a large family when…

The combined mileage on your cars is 1,000,000 miles (and you haven’t left your suburb in seven years).

Your children have so many T.V’s, computers, stereos and blow dryers, you single-handedly keep the utility company in business.

No one invites you over for Sunday dinner anymore.

You have a laundromat in your basement (it’s open all night and you still can’t find an empty machine).

Santa has to use a “wide load” sleigh and 16 reindeer to haul everything down to you.

Your monthly grocery store receipt is 4 figures (the commodities market rallies every time you go shopping.

You use a whole box of oatmeal and whole loaf of bread to make breakfast.

Your driveway looks like a used car lot.

The breakdown of the dishwasher is a family crisis second only to running out of toilet paper.

By the time you’re 18, you have considerably more parenting experience than many young parents you know.

Two hotel rooms and two cars are considered normal for long trips.

You wonder why milk even comes in 1-quart containers.

There is an extra person at the dinner table and you don’t notice until halfway through the meal– because that person is six people down the row from you.

The orthodontist loves your family.

Your father can no longer remember your name so he has to go through everyone else’s before he gets to yours.

You’ve considered a career as a lawyer, as arguing comes naturally to you.

Your main staple diet growing up consisted of spaghetti, lasagna, stew, casseroles, or anything else that could be easily cooked in huge batches.

Sitting on the toilet is having a 3-minute break from the crowd.

In order to get a piping-hot shower in the morning, you have to wake up around 3:00 am.

Upon hearing your last name, your new teacher on the first day of high school looks darkly at you and intones meaningfully,  ”Oh, another one.”

You know where the bathroom is in any major store you visit.

Your grocery budget is higher than your house payment.

You know what to use to remove lipstick, shortening, and marker from any surface.

You are certain one of your kids is sneaking rolls of toilet paper out of the house and selling them because you know there is no way they could be using that much of it, even if there ARE a lot of bottoms in your house.

When you go to order fast food, you order 6 hamburgers, one with ketchup only, one plain, one with no pickles or onions, two with no pickles, onions or mustard, and one with nothing but cheese, plus one fish sandwich, one chicken sandwich, one large hamburger, and one large hamburger with bacon. You then have to repeat yourself three times so the person at the window can get it right.

You can quote entire pages from Dr. Seuss without having to pause to think about it.

You know, and are thankful, that when they get too old to send to their rooms, that possession of the car keys gives you the ultimate power!

When the first two kids move out, you can’t believe how much smaller your family feels.

_________________________________________________________________

I borrowed some of these ideas from:

http://www.caramia.us/human-nature/you-know-youre-from-a-large-family-when/

Laura Wheeler at   http://www.megafamilies.com/index.php/large-families/large-family-humor/mother-of-many.html

by Cherly Moeller More at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com

Check them out to read more.

1000 Votes and 10 Hilarious Parenting Laws

I reached 1000 votes on the Good Morning America Advice Guru Search this morning.  How amazing is that?”

I am over-whelmed by the love and support from so many friends, family members, co-workers and others who just heard about it and wanted to help me.

It is amazing to see (on paper) that kind of love and support.  I can’t believe how many wonderful people have taken the time to spread the word and help me accomplish this!

I am feeling very confident about making it into the top ten – which will be announced in a couple weeks!

The producers of the show have asked me to turn in more video next – and I am working on the content now.  It is interesting working in T.V. though, how strict they are about time.  It’s been a challenge to learn how to get a point across in only 20 seconds.  (And they are serious about it being exactly 20 seconds long.)  I write down what I want to say and then cut and cut and cut until it is concise yet still understandable.

20 seconds goes by sooooo fast!

For example, they want me to explain in twenty seconds something that drives me nuts and why.  I have seven children GMA!  There are so many things that drive me nuts, I don’t know where to start…

Our monthly grocery store receipt is in the 4 figures (the commodities market rallies every time I go shopping.)

Our children are terrorists – they have been using sleep deprivation techniques on us for 20 years.

They are so computer savvy they could reprogram the space shuttle and read HTML code but…  they can’t remember how to turn the vacuum cleaner on.

I can’t remember the last time I was alone in the bathroom.

I think the laundry is out to get me.

My Dryer eats socks

The closest I get to gourmet cooking is making Rice Krispie treats.

They also want me to tell about “one word” that best describes me, in 20 seconds or less…

“Tired”

(I have seven children and Christmas is 2 days away!)

“Crazy”

(I just realized that I only shaved one leg this morning!)

Actually I am leaning towards “Wholehearted”…  The dictionary says it means sincere, genuine, enthusiastic, energetic with a love of life and everything in it.

What do you think?

Now I must share something really funny someone sent me…

10 Hilarious Parenting Laws

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn’t behave.

6. If the shoe fits…it’s expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child…  the more rewarding it is to be a mom.

Things you will NEVER hear a mom say!

1. “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”

2. “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”

3. “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery.”

4. “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week.”

5. “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”

6. “Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”

7. “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”

8. “I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve.”

9. “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”

Read more of Kimberly’s advice and rank it at …

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/DearGMA/dear-gma-advice-guru-finalist-kimberly-giles/story?id=12366166

I can’t even blow dry my dang hair!

It is time to get real!

Do you want to know why (bottom line) I should be the Good Morning America Advice Guru… because I’m the real deal.  I’m not a famous author, or a P.H.D.   I’m not a radio personality or a T.V. star.  I’m just a regular American mom who happens to have spent the last 22 years going through crap that you wouldn’t believe if I told you about it, trying to figure out how to make it through alive!

I am an “in the trenches”, grocery shopping, homework helping, mother of seven, who spends all day every day coaching real people through their real struggles with relationships, jobs and families.

My daily concerns run from “Does the dog need his anal glands squeezed?” (something I still don’t understand) to how to get gum out of a 5 year old’s hair to figuring out ways to help my client deal with losing his job.  My dishes aren’t done and I have piles of laundry.  The city is mad because my sidewalks aren’t shoveled.  I’ve had tendinitis in my right arm for five months and can’t even blow dry my own hair!  But I’m doing the best I can!

I spend 3 hours a day driving children places, and the other 21 hours a day worrying them.  Are they experimenting with drugs or just crazy?  Do I really have to say things like…”Don’t put your arm in the garbage disposal!” or “If you don’t know what it is, don’t eat it?”

Last summer my kids took a giant animal, stuffed with Styrofoam pellets, and blew it up.  Then spent the next 2 days vacuuming the backyard.  It looked like snow in the summer.

There is never a dull moment with seven highly creative and confident children of every size and color living with you.  The older ones have their own rock band, which rehearses in my basement of course.  (I’ve gotten used to the floor vibrating and have decided to enjoy working to live music.)  My African-American daughter has the stomach flu and my 15 year old, just remembered she has a report due tomorrow.

My life is crazy.  I have been sighted standing in front of a broken water heater or a rain gutter that just fell off the house, in tears, because I had no idea what to do.  But over the years, I have learned how to find answers to all of these problems.  I have learned how to fix things myself or how to find people who could.

I’ve also learned important lessons about pulling yourself back up, fighting your way through and believing in yourself.  Through it all I gained unique insights into the human condition and what it takes to survive it.  I also figured out principles that help me find the answers to every problem.

I have spent the last seven years teaching these simple principles to other people.  The cool part is that my principle based answers work… every time.  Not because I’m smart, but because they are true principles.

But in spite of all this, I am watching some of the other, more famous, finalists get twice as many votes as me.  They are cleaning this contest up.  Some of them have huge followings because they are published authors or celebrities.  But I wonder if they really understand what the families who are struggling across this country are going through.  I know that I’m the only one with seven kids, a chihuahua and a bad arm!

(Could I put that on a resume?)

Have they ever had a cart full of groceries and three hungry kids, and got to the checkout only to be told their card was declined?  Have they ever had to drag three hungry kids, who were now crying, out of the store empty handed?  I have.

Have they had to testify against their friend, who the FBI just arrested?  Have they been in bed on I.V.s for an entire year because they couldn’t keep food down?  I have.

I have been through worse things too.  But that’s not really the point.

The point I am trying to make is just this… I can do this job with more heart and more love for the people who are struggling…than anyone else can!

I also have clever, entertaining answers that are time tested and work.  But more importantly… I could be the heart of that show!

I could be the “real American” on Good Morning America.

I also need the job.

The down-turn in the economy has made it real rough to find business the last two years.  We have made it by the skin of our teeth but I’ve had to put off things like dentist appointments and physical therapy for bad arms.  And though I feel very blessed, because we’ve kept our heads above water… I’d sure like to have to pay for school lunch again or go to the grocery store without my coupon binder.  I’d sure like to know where next months house payment is coming from.  I’d sure like to get my dang arm fixed!!!

I really want this job!

I guess I needed an outlet to express where my heart is today.

This is the one job on the planet which I am totally qualified to do… and all I can do is pray and trust that somehow, someone will see that this girl is the right one!

I can’t blow dry my own hair… but I can do that job!

Cross your fingers for me.

Every situation is here to teach us something

3^rd Question

From Charlotte in Nellysford, Virginia:

I am writing to you about our daughter who has been married for over three years. She expresses displeasure (initiated by her husband) about the close relationship my husband and I have with her in-laws. My daughter feels that we are intruding upon their time with the in-laws; this is not the case. My husband and I have enjoyed a close, friendly relationship with the in-laws and are baffled and resent being told to back off. We do not see the logic. We were told that to have a relationship with his parents is not normal. Is she right?

Charlotte –

What a beautiful opportunity this is!  I love it when the universe gives us opportunities to practice getting along with others.

(And dang it, we sure get a lot of them!)

My advice is to have a loving, validating conversation with your daughter and her husband, and create a compromise that is a win for everyone.  This will be a wonderful opportunity to practice handling disagreements with maturity and respect.  You can do it!

When you have this conversation with them, make sure that you are ready to set your feelings aside upfront, and understand and validate their feelings.  Make the first part of the conversation all about them.

Ask them to tell you more about how they feel about the issue and why.  Keep asking questions … and just listen.  Do not disagree or agree at this point, no matter how much you want to.  Keep your thoughts and feelings on hold.  Don’t make them part of the conversation just yet.

Show them that you genuinely want to understand how they feel.   If you spend enough time here, a magical thing will happen… their hearts will soften, they won’t feel as defensive and they will become more open minded about the whole thing.  This happens whenever you validate someone’s feelings.

Then, when you can tell the kids feel understood… ask permission to share how you feel about the issue.  “Would you be open to letting me share my thoughts and feelings about this with you?”

Tell them why the friendship is important to you.  (Do not tell them you think they are wrong!)  Focus on the reasons why you would like to maintain a friendship with the in-laws.  Then ask them if they would be open to creating some kind of win/win.

Ask them what a win might look like to them.  Listen.

Offer what a win might look like for you.

I am very confident that having a mature and loving conversation can produce a good compromise.  Let us know how it goes.

The principles behind the advice: Listening to other people’s thoughts and feelings makes them feel valued at the deepest level.  This creates an environment where compromise and good conversations can happen.  When you are willing to listen to people, they feel valued and want to give back to you.

Every experience in your life is here to teach you something.   Every experience is here to show you something about yourself and to give you an opportunity to step it up.  If you see each experience this way… you won’t take things as personally and will focus on how you can do better.

A stressed out mom and a worried son – ask the guru!

Coach Kim,

I suspect my parents, who are in their 60s and earn modest incomes, have minimal savings. How do I broach the topic of retirement with them when they are hesitant to “trouble” their children with their financial concerns?

Worried Son

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Worried Son

What is your motive or agenda for having this conversation?  What are you afraid of?

Maybe you are worried about having to take care of them, in their old age, if they don’t properly prepare.  This is a realistic concern, but it is all about you.

You need to make sure this isn’t about your fear.  If  this issue is about your fear, they will feel that right away and the conversation won’t go well.  If they sense your fear (which they will – if that’s what’s motivating you) they will probably get defensive and shut you out.

You need to have a validating, loving conversation with them, treating them as adults, the same as you.  You need to validate and respect where they are on this, and show them you respect them.

Follow the rules for having tough conversations…  they will help you handle it with love.

1) Find the right time – You want to have this conversation when you are alone and won’t be interrupted.

2) Ask permission to discuss a sensitive issue – “Would you be open to talking about something kind of personal with me?”
(Wait for a yes)

3) Ask whether they feel safe with you – “Do you know I care about you and respect you?”
(Wait for a yes)

4) Ask them what they think and feel about the issue –“May I ask some questions about your retirement plans?”  (Wait for a yes)

If they do not want to discuss this with you – you must respect that.  Money is a deeply personal issue and if they are not comfortable discussing it, and you push it, you will slam the door on any chance to return to the topic later on.  If you respect how they feel, and let it go, the door will stay open.  They may even come to you when they need advice.

If they say yes…

“How comfortable are you with your plans for retirement?”  (Listen)  “Do you think that you are going to have what you’ll need?”  (Listen)  “How is it going trying to save some money?”  “Has it been hard?”  (Listen)

After you have listened and validated their right to think and feel the way they do, you can go to step 5.

5) Ask permission to speak your truth – “Would you be open to some suggestions from me?”  or “Would you be open to advice on it?”  (Wait for a Yes)

6) Speak your truth – Share your ideas but be careful not to tell them they are wrong.  Just share your ideas and ask them what they think.

Understand the principle behind the advice…

Notice that every step involves asking the person a question, even at the end when you speak your truth, you still phrase it as a question.  Doing it this way shows the other person you honor and respect them.  It creates a safe place where they are less likely to get defensive.

I know that it’s a repeat… but this formula works!

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Coach Kim

How can I get rid of the guilt when I don’t get everything done on “the list”? :). I know its not about me but its still hard.

Stressed Out Mom

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Stressed Out Mom –

I feel your pain.  Sometimes a busy family is like having a bowling alley in your head!  I’d love to share some things that might bring you some peace and quiet.

Look at what guilt is… it is fear that you aren’t good enough.

It’s that pesky core fear again.

It just won’t go away!

It probably never will… So you have to learn some ways to process through it (as fast as possible!)  You must learn how to calm down the fear and choose peace.

So how do you get out of fear?

The Clarity Formula is my favorite technique.  It uses the principles of trust and love to bring you from fear to peace. Also remember that every second you spend in fear, you are missing things going on with people around you.  The fear is robbing the world of your love.

Don’t waste time here… the world needs you.

When you are feeling stress – just take a second and focus on each of these four things…

1) Choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line.  Choose to trust that your value is infinite and absolute.  Choose to remind yourself that you are safe on this journey and nothing you do has to be perfect to be perfect – for this moment.  Remember that you are the perfect you right now, today!

2) Choose to trust that your journey is perfect.  Choose to trust that you are right on track to becoming who you are meant to become.  Choose to trust that everything is happening exactly as it should be and this situation is perfect (for some crazy reason you don’t even need to know).  Choose to see “where you are right now” as perfect.

3) Choose to see other people as the same as you.  Make sure that you are seeing them accurately

4) Choose to focus on giving to others.  This could mean validation, attention or love.  As long as your focus is not on you.  Fear is all about you – only in the absence of fear can we focus on others.

That’s the Clarity Formula – and it works for any kind of fear!

As you practice processing your way out of fear, you will get faster and faster at it.  Pretty soon you will get from stress to peace in an instant, but it requires practice to get there.

Write down the steps on some index cards.  Keep one in your purse, post one in the kitchen, bathroom, etc.

Remember that fear is a choice.  You can choose peace.  You have control over what thoughts you embrace.  You can choose thoughts that promote mental and emotional peace.

You can do it!

You must do it – because you don’t want to pass this down to your kids.

Follow the steps – it will work!

Don’t let the sparks die in your marriage!

2^nd question

From Tara in Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina:

My fiance and I dated for seven years and we’re getting married in March. We’ve lived in different states for the past four years and are excited to be soon living together. What’s the best way to make sure we don’t take our time together for granted and what challenges should we look out for as we readjust to being together all the time?

Tara,

It can be scary standing at the doorway of a new chapter of your life.  But don’t worry, there isn’t anything coming you can’t handle!  Just focus your energy on creating a fun and loving relationship.  With this good foundation, you will be able to handle any issues that arise.

Here are some principles that are proven to make awesome relationships…

1) Be a Giver:

Problems happen, in relationships, when you are more worried about what you’re getting than what you’re giving, this triggers the other person to be worried about what they’re not getting and pretty soon… no one is getting anything because no one is giving.

If you want an amazing marriage, look for ways to give more than you get.  Like the line in that Michael Buble song (Haven’t Met You Yet).

Send romantic text messages or think of things you can do to lighten your spouse’s load and make life easier.  Once a week, ask your spouse, “How can I give to you better, to make you feel more loved?”  Then, do what they ask.  This will create a relationship that just gets better with time.

2) Be Fun:

There is no rule that says you stop having fun when you get married.  As a matter of fact, you can have more fun, be more spontaneous and laugh more often, if that’s the kind of relationship you want.

Don’t just spend time together – spend fun, spontaneous, happy time together.   Don’t just have a date night once a week – have a SMOKIN’ HOT date once a week.

Make being married to you fun!

3) Be Affectionate:

Hold hands out in public, cuddle for a few minutes every morning and night, sit on the same side of the booth at dinner, make out on occasion and have sex as often as possible.  (If you are having fun and focused on giving… your sex life will naturally be amazing.)

If you are doing these three things, your relationship can handle whatever challenges come.

One possible challenge to watch out for would be that you are used to a certain amount of freedom in the relationship up to this point.  So make sure you communicate openly about how your expectations have changed once you are living together full time.

When issues show up, just communicate.  Ask your spouse if you can talk about concerns, ask him how he feels about issues first and then ask permission to share how you feel.   Open, loving communication is the key.  You may want to read my last advice column on how to have tough conversations for more tips.

Congratulations on the marriage and the fun future you have ahead!

Should you tell your friend she dresses bad?

Here is your question, submitted by Sherema in Orange Park, Fla.:

“How do I tell my best girlfriend that the ton of makeup and skin tight clothes designed for teenage girls makes her a laughing stock at the office and not hurt her feelings? She is a very attractive 49 year old lady but her appearance makes it hard for our co-workers to take her seriously.”

Sherema –

This is a great question, and having a conversation with your friend would definitely be the loving thing to do.  The good news is, it’s not hard to have these sensitive conversations in a loving way.  You can do it!

Here are a few suggestions…

1) Find the right time – You want to have this conversation when you are alone and won’t be interrupted.

2) Ask permission to discuss a sensitive issue – “Would you be open to talking about something kind of personal with me?”
(Wait for a yes)

3) Ask whether she feels safe with you – “Do you know I care about you and only want the best for you?”
(Wait for a yes)

4) Ask her what she thinks and feels about the key issues – “How important do you think it is that our co-workers take you seriously and respect you?”  (Listen)  “How much do you think the way you look might play into this?”
(Listen to how she feels about it)

5) Ask permission to speak your truth – “Would you be open to some constructive criticism from me, even if it hurts a little to hear?”  or “Would you be open to some brutal honesty, knowing that I love you?”
(Wait for a Yes)

6) Speak your truth –  “I believe that the way you dress and the amount of make-up you wear at work, effects the way people respond to you.  So my question is… Would you ever be open to some suggestions about how you might dress and do your make-up differently to create a more professional presence?  Would you ever be open to letting me help you with this?”

Understand the principle behind the advice…

Notice that every step involves asking the person a question, even at the end when you speak your truth, you still phrase it as a question.  Doing it this way shows the other person you honor and respect them.  It creates a safe place where they are less likely to get defensive.

Here is my simple formula for having these tough conversations:

1) Find the right time,
2) Ask permission to have a sensitive conversation,
3) Ask about trust in your relationship,
4) Ask their opinion about the issue and listen to them,
5) Ask permission to speak your truth,
6) Speak your truth.

This formula will work…  but another option would be to take some secret footage… send it to What Not to Wear…  and let Stacy and Clinton handle it.  🙂

Good luck either way!

_______________________________________________________________

I wanted to get your take on this advice, because the other two finalists who answered this same question said that you should not say anything to your friend.  That you should just accept her as she is.

What do you think?

Give advice on economy… are you kiddin? Yep

Dear Advice Guru…when will the economy turn around, when will the congress start acting like trouble shooters instead of trouble makers, & is World Peace any where closer in 2011? If you can answer any of these questions…you deserve to be the GMA Advice Guru! ☺

I don’t have the answers because… no one knows!  But I’m still hopeful that we can come up with some real solutions.  I don’t want to make light of it all because they are serious issues but here are a couple common sense ideas I heard on late night T.V. that will at least make you smile…  (They came from either Letterman or Leno not sure which)

How about this idea? Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, give it to us, with the provision it can only be used to buy a Corvette. They get the money, everybody back to work, and we all get a new car!

And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they’re losing money because people aren’t using the postal service as much as they used to. If you’d like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com.

Well, all across the country unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance. It’s gotten so bad that the offices are overwhelmed and can’t function.  I got an idea.  Why don’t you hire more people? They’re right there in line. Speed this whole thing up!

Day 365 Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of

I just realized that it has been exactly a year since I started the blog.

Day 1 was in December of 2009!

I just thought is was important to recognize how much your life can change in 365 days.  Last year at this time I was more miserable and depressed than I’ve ever been in my life.  I started the blog as a way of laughing at my situation… so I wouldn’t cry… as much.  I was crying myself to sleep every night and honestly wished I could cease to exist.  It was that bad.

I never would have guessed in a million years that one year later I would be remarried to the man of my dreams, have a thriving business and a shot at a job on GMA.  I would never have dreamed that I would be as happy as I am today!

WOW!

In honor of the year mark, I put together some classic Kim Blog humor around my new career as an advice guru.  This is the advice that will never make it online or on the air at GMA but would be good to remember anyway…

Don’t throw a brick straight up.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look so astonished.

This just in… police have apprehended the man who let the dogs out.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I hope that someday everyone will put away their fears and prejudices,
and just laugh at each other.

“You don’t have to agree with me… but it’s quicker.

Therapy is expensive… popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted and have the time of our lives.”

“To do is to be”- Descartes “To be is to do”- Voltaire “Do be do be do”- Scooby doo

I don’t care. It’s my inner life and I’ll be as warped as I like in the privacy of my own skull.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

Do or do not. There is no try.”- Yoda

“When angry, count to four. When very angry… swear.”

“Never take life seriously. No one gets out alive anyways.”

Just remember that you are unique… just like everyone else.

Taxes with representation aren’t so hot either.

It seems to me that the easiest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss an opportunity to shut up.”

“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.”

You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.

Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are just plain idiots.”

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

I think that we should delay the search for intelligent life on other planets until we can find some on our own planet.

My first TV appearance & pay attention in English!

This morning I did my first TV appearance on ABC4 news on Good Morning Utah.  Don Hudson interviewed me and I got my five minutes in the spotlight.

It was really fun to sit in the back, by the cameras and watch how they produce the local news (I’ve never seen that before!)

Just so you know, Angie and Don have tele-prompters telling them every word to say, which are mounted right on the cameras so they look like they are looking at the viewer but they are really reading the script.  It’s a piece of cake!

It was fun watching Marti Scold do the weather in front of the green screen pointing at nothing which just happened to be exactly where the computer showed SLC or Elko NV. She has that down pat!

I thought it was really interesting to see that the writers were writing the news, which showed up on the teleprompters, only minutes before each segment.  They were putting this together on the fly… but it came together perfectly.

It was fun watching them steal a sip of pop or a hand-full of trail mix during the commercials too.

Right before it was my turn they asked for the websites for GMA and my company Claritypoint Coaching and made sure they had the facts straight – then they wired me with a mike and sat me next to Don and started rolling.

He was great.  He asked the right questions about the contest, and gave me the chance to tell the world about life coaching and ask them to go online and support me.  He cracked some great jokes about needing some life coaching himself and made me feel very relaxed.  I came home right after and watched it – and though every girl thinks she looks fat in every picture ever taken of her – I didn’t hate it. I looked okay!

I am trying to figure out some way to get the video from my DVR to the computer so I can post it – but haven’t figured that out yet.  Any ideas would be appreciated,

When I got home I saw that the advice from the first viewer questions is now online –

So I need your help!

I am hoping you would go the GMA website – read my advice and rank it.  If you think it’s good advice, rank it a 4 okay!

Click here to go to the site!

Notice that two other finalists answered the same question I did.

It’s interesting to see that they gave very different advice than mine.  You will have to tell me which feels better to you.  Would you tell your friend she dressed badly or just love her the way she is?

I am so grateful for all the support I am getting from friends, clients and family members.  This is quite a wild experience and your support means the world to me.

The producers of GMA are now sending me questions to answer twice a week.  These assignments are stressing me out though and are an  interesting opportunity for me to practice what I preach.  I find myself getting very fearful about whether my writing or my answers are good enough.

I know, I know… I’m the one who said on National TV that “It doesn’t have to be perfect to be perfect!”

… But when your writing is going to be judged by everyone in America and your dream job hangs in the balance…  it’s hard!

I really want perfect!

Yesterday I agonized for hours over whether my column was good enough.  Finally Laney couldn’t take it anymore and made me hit send.

Writing is an unusual medium because you could keep editing and changing things in one article forever, and never really know if you are making it better or worse.  It’s so subjective and one thing could be said a million different ways.  I also have never claimed to be a professional writer.  I like writing and think I do okay but I have a couple problems too…

I overuse exclamation points (badly!)  I do this because I write the way I talk, and I talk loud.  So in my head, every sentence that would be said with passion should end with one of these!!!!

I am not really sure if I put commas in the right place either, because I spent high school English class throwing things out the fourth story window with Sean Barnett or making fun of Mrs. Syphilis.  (Kids pay attention in school!)

Another issue is that I try to be funny, and humor is really risky in writing… because it can sound funny in your head… and not end up that funny on paper.

I also love dashes – don’t know why – but I use them anyplace I might take a breath when speaking.  I also love the old three dot thingy…  You know I do…  if you read the blog much.  They are another great option for those breath pause situations.

I even had a stranger from back east comment on facebook that my writing wasn’t the best… though she later confessed that of all the candidates she thinks I’m the best!

Hopefully enough people will agree.

(I did get a book on punctuation though and am polishing up my skills.)

I am also having my brilliant husband proof read my writing… since the man has serious skills.  He’s a good editor too.

I learned this stuff the hard way!

The questions from viewers have started arriving!

Every few days GMA is going to send me a viewers question to respond to.  Our responses will be posted on the GMA website and viewers are asked to rate our advice on a scale of 1 to 4.

This round will go on for a few weeks, maybe even into January.  I will be posting the links so that all my friends, family and fans can weigh in.

I will need your support!

Not everyone is happy though, about the top 20 Finalists on Good Morning America.  I have been reading their responses on Facebook as people are weighing in on this whole thing…

“…too bad GMA didn’t extend their consideration net to include people who actually needed jobs…in their advice guru search…or people who actually remember when gurus became part of the cultural lexicon…”

“All that business about plucking some regular person from an ordinary humdrum life and plopping him/her into the glitz and glamour of advice gurudome was a bunch of MALARKY.  There is not a single person in the final 20 who has not earned an advanced degree.  I’m not talking about a masters degree.  I am talking about highly educated people with PhD’s in one thing or another, as well as several medical doctors, a prolific author of something like a dozen advice and self-help books, and get this, a couple of local television advice type personalities.  THESE PEOPLE ARE ALREADY ADVICE GURUS FOR GOODNESS SAKE!  Why go for this job?”

I have responded to some of the comments to set the record straight.

I am just a regular person folks.

I didn’t graduate from college and I haven’t published a book. I have had some wonderful opportunities to speak to groups and was even a guest speaker on a radio show once, but I can’t compete with the resumes some of the other finalists have up.

Those of you who know me… know that I got my wisdom the hard way.

I’ve been through so many losses and challenges it’s ridiculous!  I have suffered with chronic illness, been a single mom, lost everything, worked my way back up, filed for divorce, had my heart broken, blended a family and even wrestled a gun away from a shooter.

I’ve lived… and I’ve learned.

I’ve also spent the last seven years as a life coach.

I have taken my life experiences and figured out some amazing things about the human experience.  I’ve searched out true principles that can help us make good choices and create happiness in our lives.  I’ve been teaching these principles to others, through simple formulas… and you know what?

They work.

I developed a coaching program that helps people make changes in how they think.  It helps them to see their life experiences more clearly.  It teaches  them how to find the wise, loving, mature responses to situations in their lives and it gives them real self esteem.

I am so proud of this program!    … though I can’t take much credit for it…

God taught it to me – he is really the author.

Which is why it works every time!

I don’t know how this whole thing will end up. I may get cut at the next round.  But I do know this… if I have the chance to share some principle based advice, that could make a difference in the life of just one person… it will be a win for me!

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I also want you to know that most of the answers (to life’s issues) are really very simple if you do these 4 things…

1) Don’t be afraid… because your value isn’t on the line.

2) Trust that your life is a perfect journey to help you become the best you.

3) See other people as the same as you…  because they are.

4) Choose to give love… instead of worrying about whether you’re getting it.

Those four things will pretty much help you to find the mature, loving, wise solution every time. I call it the Clarity Formula!

Then, when you interact with others… listen to them first… then ask permission to share your stuff.   If you do that, you will handle every situation with love.

That’s it for today… I’ll let you know what happens next!

Guru Advice… what do you think about these?

The Post from GMA requests a Question for the Advice Gurus. I ask them this: My sister has run off with a shady character and no longer keeps in contact with the family. She moved 2000 miles away. How do we get our sister/daughter back? We are all so worried about this boyfriend. He has been mean to her in the past. Very scary for us all.

Amy

@ Amy

May I offer a suggestion Amy?   Because she is an adult (I assume) you can’t do much more than pray for her and reach out with unconditional love if she makes contact.  You will always get better results when you don’t question someone’s judgment or tell them what to do – but instead, ask lots of questions, love and validate them and ask permission, before you give advice or tell them what you think.

If she feels that you respect who she is now, she will actually be more open to changing things.  If you disapprove of who she is now and what she does, she will dig in to defend her choices.   You may be able to hire a professional to find her, just remember if you do… unconditional love and validation are the only way to build a relationship of trust – that will create a safe place where she will listen to you.

Hope that helps

Kim

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Here’s one that is always awkward: What do you say to the casual friend that corners you at the grocery store and asks why you didn’t invite her to your holiday party.

Marsha

@Marsha

I would be honest and say… “I couldn’t invite everyone I know, but it sure wasn’t personal.  How have you been though?  Tell me what’s going on in your life?”

The reason this works it that by asking questions about her right now, you are showing her that she is important to you.  This shows that you do really care.  If you spend some time listening to her now, the party will be soon forgotten.

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What do you do when you can’t get off facebook and you have 2 papers due within the next two days.  AHHHHHHH. Help me. I’m addicted.

Carolyn

@Carolyn

Make Facebook your reward for working on the papers.  Make a rule that if you spend 2 hours on the papers, you reward yourself with 20 minutes on Facebook.  (Stick to this new rule no matter what) This way you get both!

Good Luck!

Kim

Coach Kim’s tips for Surviving Christmas!

What is holiday stress made of anyway?

It’s made of fear that I won’t get it all done.  It’s fear about paying for the whole thing.  It’s fear about getting it all done in time and finding the right gifts for each person… it’s fear that the holidays won’t be perfect enough.

The holiday stress is all about fear.

So it’s funny to me, that long ago… on the very first Christmas… moments after baby Jesus was born… an angel appeared to shepherds watching their flocks by night and delivered the first message of Christmas… and that message started with… “Fear not!”

We seem to have forgotten that part.

No matter what your religion or beliefs are… you need to figure out how to celebrate the holidays without fear!

Hence my tips for a more peaceful and happy Christmas…

Tip #1 Decide to experience the holidays with more peace and less fear.

The shortest path to a happy life…is found through conscious choice after all.  You get to choose how you will experience your life but if you don’t consciously choose to trust and love, your subconscious will choose for you… and it will choose negative, dramatic, fearful thoughts.

We teach our clients that the way to live without fear is by choosing trust and love.  Let me show you what that looks like…

Choose to trust that it doesn’t have to be perfect… to be perfect.  Choose to trust that however it turns out is going to be perfect enough.  Take off the pressure… you don’t have to do it all.  Let some things go and then focus on love.

Choose to make this holiday season about love for others… instead of fear for yourself.  Lift people you meet with a kind word or a smile… take the time to ask questions and listen to people because it makes them feel important and valued… take the time to give your love to the people around you… in the end your presence means more than your presents.

Decide that your not doing fear, this year!

Choose trust and love instead

Tip #2 Remember that everyone’s doing the best they can.

So remember that grouchy people are just battling seasonal fear and it can create some pretty bad behavior, but this is where they are and they are dealing with it the best they know how.  So anything they do or say that feels offensive, is really not about you.

They are just worried about being good enough and their bad behavior is actually a cry for love.  So don’t take things personally this year.  Let offenses roll off.  Smile and send them good wishes… even when they’re mean.  Decide to be the source of love in your community and family no matter how other treat you.

Tip #3 Know your limits – say no!

You don’t have to do it all for everyone to be a good person.  Sometimes you have to be loving to yourself and tell people you are too busy to take on anything else.  I set aside time on my calendar to relax and it’s on there in stone, so if taking on one more thing would mean giving up that time… I’m going to say no.

Tip #4 Be Grateful

Take time to count your blessings.  So often Christmas made me painfully aware of what I didn’t have and couldn’t afford.  Instead choose to count the things you do have and remember that your life is the perfect journey for you.

Tip #5 Delegate

Get the kids and husband involved.  Studies show that in most families the women do most of the holiday work… spread the joy around and ask for some help.  There are lots of things they can do (not as well as you would – but well enough.)

Tip #6 Budget and plan ahead

Decide how much you can really afford and stick to it no matter what.  It doesn’t kill kids to have a leaner Christmas.  (They may not realize it now – but in the long run it will serve them.)

Make a plan ahead of time so you aren’t trying to do it all at the last minute.  This will make a huge difference and eliminate a lot of the fear.

Tip #7 Narrow down your list.

You don’t have to buy a gift for EVERYONE – narrow down your list and while you’re at it… knock a few to-do’s off the list.  Choose some things that you could skip this year.  No one will die if they don’t get a Christmas card from you this year… I promise.

Tip #8 Lower your expectations

It doesn’t have to be perfect to be perfect.  Let go of having a Christmas that looks like a Norman Rockwell painting or a house that rivals Martha Stewarts.  A happy calm Christmas will be much more fun.

Tip #9 Take time to relax and enjoy – schedule it!

Actually block off time on your calendar to relax, drink a hot cocoa with the kids, read books, nap or do something fun.  Don’t let anything interfere with these appointments… your sanity and your families happiness is at stake.  Guard this time and you will have the energy to get more done later.

Have a wonderful fear FREE holiday season everyone.

My best advice when someone ticks you off!

This is the most common question I am asked by clients – so I thought we should address it.

Apparently people mistreat us, hurt us or tick us off quite frequently, because someone asks me for advice around confronting these people every single day.

I believe that if we learn how to appropriately and maturely respond to these situations with love and strength, we will be able to tackle most of life’s problems.

1) Recognize it’s usually not about you – Step back and don’t take it so personally

It may feel like an attack, it may sound like an attack… but most of the time… behind the attack is an issue or fear that is all about the person doing the attacking.  (Whatever they are throwing at you – it is their stuff!)

What they are really saying is… “I don’t feel loved” or “I’m scared that I’m not important!”  If you can recognize what is going on in their world, you will be able to handle the issue with wisdom and maturity.

Try really hard to be un-offendable.  Don’t waste your time and energy defending yourself all the time.  You don’t need to.  You are the same you regardless of what other people think, do or say.  They really can’t hurt you.  Most of the time you could choose not to be offended.

Though there are times when it is important to speak your truth and confront someone in order to preserve a good relationship, if this is one of those times… keep reading.

2) See other people as the same as you – Don’t cast good guys and bad guys!

We all have a tendency to see other people as different from us.  Sometimes we see them as the bad guy and cast ourselves as the good guy.  Other times we see them as better than us which lets us enjoy bad guy self pity drama.  Neither of these is accurate and they lead to a lot of unnecessary drama.

It is important that before you address any issue, you step back from it and make sure you are seeing the other person as a flawed, scared, struggling human being who is not all good nor all bad – the same as you.

When you can see them as the same as you, you will see the situation accurately and with more compassion.  People are generally doing the best they can with what they know.  When they behave badly towards you, it’s usually because they have a problem, not because you do.

To handle this issue with maturity and love means being able to see your own flaws too.  If you are struggling with this step, get out a piece of paper; draw a line down the center and put their name on one side and yours on the other.  Then write down, on their side, all the things you are bothered with them for.  Get out all your gripes.  Then go to your side and take each gripe and flip it.   If you had written “They don’t care about my feelings.” – you should now write “I don’t care about their feelings.”   Then go through each statement and ask yourself… “Is this ever still true?”

You are not perfect either.  You sometimes get caught up in your own stuff and miss how your actions affect others.  We all do.  Just make sure that you see them as the same as you before you move forward to address the issue.  This way you will handle it with love.

3) Trust that your value is not on the line.

Being offended is about defending yourself.  The question is… do you really need to?  Is your value on the line?  It may feel like it is at times but in reality, your value, as a totally unique irreplaceable human being, is infinite and absolute.  It is NEVER on the line.  Nothing you do or don’t do and certainly nothing anyone else does will ever change it.  You are safe.

You will be the same you, regardless of how anyone treats you.  Before you address this issue and whether or not this other person values you… make sure you remember that even if they don’t… you are still the same amazing you.  You have nothing to be afraid of.

4) Trust in your perfect journey.

Your life is providing you with perfect experiences every day to learn and grow.  These experiences let you see things about yourself and teach you valuable lessons.

This experience with this person, is one of those perfect experiences.

What do you think it is here to teach you?  What is it showing you about yourself that could help you to become a better you?  It is not really about defending you… it is about teaching you something.  What might it be here to teach you?

If you can figure that out, it will change how you respond.  You may even be grateful for this situation and the other person who is in your life for this perfect reason. You may choose to love this beautiful experience.

Choose peace around this.  However it turns out will be perfect.

If you still feel that a conversation needs to happen, follow the steps below to handle it with love and build a relationship of trust with the other person.

5) Handle this tough conversation with love and trust.

This conversation will be most successful if both parties feel safe, respected and validated.  You can make that happen and it’s easier than you’d think.

I call this “The Trust Formula” and have been using it and teaching it for seven years… and it works every time.

Step 1: Set your opinions, thoughts, feelings, fear and concerns aside upfront.  You are going to start this conversation by respecting and validating the other person first.  Make sure that you are ready to focus on loving and validating them.  Take a moment and mentally set your stuff aside.

Step 2: Ask questions about what they think or feel about the situation.  What are their concerns, fears and opinions about it?  What is going on in their world around this issue?

Then you are going to listen (while staying very open and loving.)  You don’t have to agree with anything they say but you do have to honor and respect their right to feel or think the way they do.  This is what validating others is about.

You must stay at step 2 until this other person feels heard, understood and cared about.  Don’t say anything but…”Tell me more about that.” Or “I totally understand how you could feel this way.”

If you have done this step right, you will feel the other person’s walls come down.  They will not be defensive and they will feel safe with you.  Once you reach this point you can move on to step three.

Step 3:  Ask permission to share your thoughts.  Asking permission should sound something like this… “Would you be open to letting me share some of my feelings on this?” “Would you let me share some of my concerns with you?” “May I share some of my thoughts on this with you?”

This is a VERY powerful way to share your feelings and at the same time make the other person feel respected and honored too.  I recommend never giving advice or telling someone what you think about anything unless you have asked permission first.

(If only every mother-in-law would follow this counsel!)

If you follow these three steps you can handle any conversation with love and strength.  That doesn’t always mean the other person will be happy about what you have to say but it will go as well as possible.  If they choose drama and take offense at this point… that is their stuff and is not your responsibility.  You must allow others to experience their experiences however they choose.  You only have control over you.

Choose to handle yourself with maturity, strength and love – you can do this!

© December 1, 2010 Kimberly Giles

I got another email from Good Morning America – wanna read it?

Congratulations to all of you and welcome to the GMA GURU TOP 20!

We hope you all enjoyed seeing your faces pop up on the screen the other day. We are delighted to have found you and are excited to get going with the next phase.

Starting tomorrow we will be airing your holiday tips, in random order, throughout the month of December. We are aiming to show one per day.

Also, we will be asking you to respond to viewer questions that we are now soliciting. Very soon, my colleague will be in contact with you to start this part of the process. We will send you selected viewer questions and ask you to provide your best advice in written form within a given deadline. We will post your advice to these questions on our website.

Also, as social media is now an integral part of our communication process, we encourage you to use outlets, like facebook and twitter, to link to the guru page on our site and encourage your friends and followers to view your profiles and upcoming advice and also to weigh-in on the message board.  Most of the GMA GURU related content that appears on our show will also show up in some form on our GMA facebook page. Become a fan for easy access to links.

There will be more info in the next few days.

Happy to have you on board!

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After receiving this I got online and looked up the show’s Facebook Page – there were already questions ready to be answered.  Here they are with my responses…

Jodi – I am a new (very proud) mother to my 10 month old son. Recently I did chores for my mother & her husband while they were out of town & noticed that there is not a single picture of my son hanging on the walls! My sister’s children’s entire rearings are displayed, but not a single photo of mine. How should I address this?

Jodi –

I am a life coach who specializes in communication skills.  If I may offer a suggestion… it would be to assume the best of her, not the worst.  It probably isn’t personal.  But if you must bring it up try asking it this way… “Mom, could I ask you a kinda sensitive question?”  “If I was feeling bad because I noticed that you don’t have any pictures of my baby hanging in your house yet… how could I bring that to you, in a way that would still show you how much I love you and know that you love me?”

Then be quiet and listen.

She won’t get offended if you ask it this way and she will probably put your concerns to rest.

Hope this helps!

Kim

Beth – What do the guru-wannabes advise when a relative constantly brings up topics you don’t want to discuss or asks you personal questions you don’t want to answer?

Beth –

May I offer a suggestion?

Look for a time when you could catch this relative alone.  Then ask them… “Could we talk for a minute about something kind of personal?”   Wait for them to give you permission to continue – this shows respect and makes them feel safer talking with you.

Then say…“Listen, sometimes people ask me personal questions that I am not really comfortable answering, I don’t want to be rude, but I am just not comfortable talking about some issues… if that comes up with you and me… how could I tell you that in a way that would still show you how much  I love you?”

Let them tell you how they would like you to handle it.

Often though, just having this conversation will get the message across.

Hope that helps,

Kim