Everything that happens in life… prepares you for what will happen next… and who has had more embarrassing, humiliating moments, this last year than me. LOL
I was ready for this.
After you have gone to work with your shirt inside out, been locked in Gold’s Gym half naked or been crowned “the life coach who got divorced, twice!”… having millions of people see you lose on TV isn’t that painful! Ha Ha
It’s par for the course!
I was ready for reality T.V.
Last night I was watching some of “The Bachelor” with my girls. We watched as the girls, who didn’t get a rose, left in shame and I remember thinking… “I would not want to be one of the girls who cries on her way out. I would hold my head high, wish the dude good luck… and walk to the limo with a smile on my face.”
I also remember thinking… “how can these girls be that sad! They don’t even know if they would have liked the guy. He may have been all wrong for them and being sent home may have been a blessing!”
That is helping today…because I might not have liked that high paying job and the fame and fortune of being on national T.V. It might have sucked.
Really!
I thought I was gonna make it to the next level though!!! By all accounts, looking at the votes, I was in the top five! I really thought I had this! Obviously they didn’t decide this thing based on votes or substance or talent, for that matter, and I think I figured out why. I realized something that I hadn’t thought of before…
this is a TV show…
I know that should have been obvious but it is a TV show… whose goals are ratings and money!
Their goal is NOT helping people.
I’m in the business of helping people…that’s my goal! So obviously I wasn’t the right one for this job!
It’s good news that I will not be spending my days writing advice columns for a company who doesn’t really care about people. I will spend my days coaching, writing and speaking to people I care about!
It still stings though… when you don’t get the rose…
…you get voted off the island…
…you lose that promotion you really wanted…
…you get laid off…
…you blow the shot that would have won the big game that really mattered…
…or are terribly disappointed by the myriad of ways life can knock you on your butt. Right?
These losses sting.
These experiences sting because they bring your deepest core fear to the surface and rub it in your face…The fear that maybe you just aren’t good enough, or that your life isn’t going to be good enough!!
That is why losses sting.
They feel like they mean something about who you are! Something bad!
So how do you cope with that?
The answer is the same answer my clients give me every time I ask them…
“How do you get out of FEAR?”
The correct answer is… “Love and Trust – The Clarity Formula!”
(This is the Clarity Point Remedy – CPR – which really does save lives!)
How does it work?
You make four important choices, two about trust and two about love.
First you make the choice to trust:
1) You choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line. This isn’t about your value at all. Your value is infinite and absolute and nothing you do or don’t do can change it! You choose to trust that you are right where you’re supposed to be and who you’re supposed to be. You are the perfect you, right now.
You choose to trust that this loss doesn’t define you. It doesn’t mean anything about “who you are” and it doesn’t effect your value in anyway!
Just because the Bachelor sent you home, doesn’t mean you aren’t an awesome amazing woman!
Just because GMA and ABC didn’t think you made the cut… doesn’t mean you don’t have talent in spades! It doesn’t mean anything about who you are!
You are the same person you were yesterday before Simon ripped your performance apart and kicked you off the show. His opinion doesn’t change who you are.
No one’s does!
You trust that your value is set by God… and does not change no matter what!
2) You also choose to believe that your life’s journey is perfect. You choose to believe that you are right on track and this experience is exactly the right one you need next, to become who you’re meant to be. As bad as this experience is – it’s perfect for some reason! You choose to trust the process of life. You have to choose this… it’s the only way to emotional balance.
You choose to believe that hooking up with that Bachelor was not in the plans for you because your perfect path is somewhere else. You choose to believe that being on Good Morning America would have distracted you from helping people that need your help! You choose to trust that this loss is perfect!
Then you make the choice to love:
1) We teach our clients that the first step to love is choosing to see other people as the same as you. They aren’t better and they aren’t worse. They do the best they can, with what they know at the time… just like you do. When you see others as the same as you… compassion shows up and you see them accurately. This helps you love others and yourself better.
Those girls who got a rose, are not better than you. Seeing them as better, and yourself as less than, will just produce drama that is beneath who you are. They are struggling scared, flawed human beings, the same as you. Seeing the girls (with roses) as brown-nosing sluts, who are worse than you, so you can feel better about yourself – is again, beneath you.
I know the folks who made the cut on GMA aren’t better or worse than me… they just fit what the producers were looking for better and in the end it was their perfect journey to stay in, and it was mine to leave! I decided to reach out to them and send notes of congratulations.
2) Then you choose to be about giving love not getting love. You choose to focus on others more than yourself. You choose to make others feel important instead of worrying about whether you are.
At times of loss – you look for others to lift, love or serve and this makes you feel better (because you like who you are now.) If you focus on giving – you feel great!
This simple formula works. I have had hundreds, if not thousands, of clients who have tried this formula in all kinds of situations over the last seven years and it works! It helps you get rebalanced after a loss that triggers fear. You will probably have to keep re-choosing love and trust every five minutes, all day long, when the fear creeps back in, but it works.
This is how I processed this loss. I used this formula!
I thought it was important to share this…since your next loss is probably not far away.
If your life is anything like mine, loss is a reoccurring theme that just won’t quit! But in spite of this I still consider myself lucky and blessed. Good things happen to us too, all the time!
So the next time loss, disappointment or trouble smacks you in the face… try it.
Or you could hit the gym and run three miles while listening to The Climb over and over and over. Here is the link to the song -and some of the lyrics.
“There’s always gonna be another mountain. I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle. Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.
Ain’t about how fast I get there. Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side.
It’s the climb!
The struggles I’m facing. The chances I’m taking. Sometimes might knock me down.
But no, I’m not breaking!
I may not know it. But these are the moments that I’m gonna remember most, yeah.
Just gotta keep going. And I, I got to be strong. Just keep pushing on”
This is what I did this morning after I got the news!
I know it’s lame to listen to Miley Cyrus… but this song helped lift my spirits and motivate me – during that run I realized I needed to focus on giving… so we decided to do an amazing call tomorrow night on dealing with the losses, disappointments and other experiences that knock us to the ground. We need a powerful call about surviving!
I will have some amazing guest speakers on the call, who have been through some really tough stuff – (makes my reality TV loss look stupid!) And we want to hear your stories too. We want to have a big, giant, group coaching session with everyone who wants to join us!
My Adventures in Love and Life 
Posted by Mary E on January 5, 2011 at 5:18 pm
Kim, I know that you are amazing and that you can jump right back into love and trust. But let me say anyway, I’m sorry you didn’t win. As a 4 year old I once knew would say, “Stupid heads.”
I think you are amazing and your advice is always chock full of good old common sense.
The loss was definitely on their side!