Day 85: How to avoid having a bad date!

Tammy, Sara and I decided that we should give you MEN some hints about what to do and not to do on a date – if you want to impress the girl.

Do…

– call well ahead of time to schedule the date (before Wednesday for the weekend – at least! )

– let us know in advance where we’re going and when.  Don’t text us the details – show us we are important enough for a phone call.

– BE ON TIME!

– open doors.

– help us put our coat on.

– walk on the street side of the sidewalk – it’s makes us feel secure and protected – we’re sorry if you get hurt by a car – but we’ll kiss it better!

– ask us to text you, when we get home, so you know we’re safe. (This is really thoughtful.)

– be courteous to the wait staff.

– pay attention to us, ask questions and listen to us.

– be confident. Insecurity is not attractive.

– tell us if we have lettuce in our teeth.

– take us somewhere interesting and have a plan for the date. (But be flexible, playful and spontaneous too.)

– wear deodorant (that should be obvious but we’ve had dates without it!)

Don’t…

– wait until the day of the date, to call and give us the details for the night.

– answer your cell phone and talk to other people during our date (though kids and emergencies are ok.)

– talk about yourself all night.

– ask us to go dutch or to pay for dinner.

– ask us to pick you up for the date because your car broke down or you don’t have a car.

– take us to the movies on the first three dates. This is the time to get to know someone not sit in a movie theater.

– complain about your problems, turn the date into a therapy session.

– ask about the other men we’ve been out with or have plans with.

– talk about your ex’s.

– talk about sex.

– try to sell the waitress into your network marketing opportunity during dinner.

– flirt with the waitress.

– ask permission to kiss us – just be a man and do it!

– laugh at your date if she gets splattered with ranch dressing!

(This happens to us on occasion.)

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My guy friends offered some hints for girls on a date…

Don’t…

– show off hairy legs and make us feel them.

– talk about your ex boyfriends.

– talk about religion too much.

– have a mental breakdown and start crying.

– talk about your kids all night.

– dress inappropriately

– try to add a guy as your Facebook friend after the first date.  It will just freak him out and make him feel like you’re trying to snoop on him (which of course you are…that’s what Google is for!).

– let him know you’ve been google stalking him all week.

Do…

– stay realistic – as pessimistic as this sounds, if your expectations are low, then a good date will be a welcome surprise and a bad date will be no biggie.

– Wear practical shoes.  Although heels can be super sexy, you never know where a date will lead you. We may end up on a lovely walk around town (hello, blisters!) or visit a neighborhood playground (with heals you’ll be tripping all over yourself!) Flats will let you feel open to anything the night may bring.

– order a real dinner not a puny salad.

WE WOULD LOVE COMMENTS ON THIS – GIVE US YOUR INPUT…

Day 83: Recommended Pick up Lines

These will crack you up – they make good flirty text messages.
I’ve had some of them sent to me that way and they totally made me smile!

Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?

I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for
Christmas.

Hey I just realized this, but you look alot like my next girlfriend.

Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.

I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.

Let’s make like a fabric softener and snuggle.

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Is your last name Gillete cause your “the best a man can get.”

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.

Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

You be the Dairy Queen and I’ll be your Burger King: You treat me right, and I’ll do it your way.

Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

I hope there’s a fireman around, cause you’re smokin’!

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

If you were a booger I’d pick you first.

Are you from Tennessee?  Cause you’re the only TEN I see

You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar.] He wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.

Your lips look so lonely…. Would they like to meet mine?

Baby, I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

There is something wrong with my cell phone.  It doesn’t have your number in it.

I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

That last one is my favorite!

Day 81: Lowered Expectations

This will crack you up –

Click here for the Lowered Expectations Video

I don’t know about you – but my expectations are staying high!

I’ll hold out for the real deal!

Day 80: Aging Graceful Barbies

Saw this online – thought it was funny.

Biofocal Barbie – Comes with her own set of blended lenses and fashion frames in six colors, a neckchain and some large print copies of Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie – press the button on her belly and see her face turn bright red while drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.  She comes with a hand held fan and a  box of tissues.  She also wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot.

No More Wrinkles Barbie – Erase those pesky crows feet and lip lines with a little tube of skin spackle from Barbie’s own line of age-blasting cosmetics.

Divorced Barbie – Sells for $199.89 and comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car and Ken’s boat.

Day 76: Best Advice for Single Girls!

While we were in Las Vegas we met an amazing woman – who all the guys were after!

We spent the whole time trying to figure out why?  She was pretty, but not breathtaking.  She was really nice but not nicer than us.

Why was every guy in the place after her?

She finally let us in on her secret and I’m going to share it with you…

Go buy a book called “The Rules” by Fein and Schneider

She said that ever since she started following “The Rules” – things have gone much better in her love life.

Sara and I decided to hit the Barnes and Noble in Saint George and start reading the book on our way home.

We laughed our heads off when we got to Barnes and Noble and checked out the other titles on the shelf though.  This was our favorite…

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We found the book we were looking for too – and I can tell you already that “The Rules” is the best thing that ever happened to us.

I just wish we had read it before the trip – not on the way home!

The good news is that we figured out what we did wrong at the dances.  We learned what a girl must do in order to snag Mr. Right.  We learned so much from that book – we can’t stop talking about it.

All I am going to say it this…

If you are a single woman – BUY THIS BOOK!

BUY IT TODAY!

We will be writing on how things go, now that we understand the rules!

I don’t want to give them away yet – just GO BUY THE BOOK!

I have a feeling that my love life is about to change for the better dramatically because I have been doing so many things wrong.

I was the dumbest woman on the planet – but not anymore!

Tammy ran out and bought the book yesterday too.

The three of us are so grateful to the beautiful woman who shared her secret!

Watch out world!

Day 75: Should We Stay or Should We Go Now!

The plan was to start driving home this morning.

(Well technically it wasn’t morning since we woke up around noon.)

But the “Check Engine” light had me concerned.

I didn’t want to get out in the middle of the desert and break down.  So I asked Alan and Chris what they thought we should do.

Based on the owners manual – the light indicated something wrong with the transmission or the hybrid systems – which sounded serious!

The guys were both worried about us leaving like that.

So Alan took us to Pep Boys and had a mechanic look at my car.

We just wanted to know if it would be safe to drive or not.

The greasy Pep boys guy said he didn’t know anything about hybrids and couldn’t help us though.

Then we tried to find a Toyota dealer to ask, but after driving all over town looking for them – we realized that they were all closed on Sunday.

We couldn’t figure out what to do – so we went out to breakfast.

Nothing like breakfast at 2:30 in the afternoon!

The question was whether to risk driving and breaking down in the desert or to stay in Vegas til Monday and have someone look at fixing my car

Chris really thought that we had better stay in Las Vegas another day and get the car checked out – but I am pretty sure that was just an excuse to keep Sara in town a little longer. Ha Ha

In the end, I decided to drive to Saint George.  It was only two hours away and we could stay at my Grandpa’s house then take the car to a dealer there in the morning. Sara and I were so tired by the time we got to St. George we just crashed!

The next morning grandpa woke me up out of a dead sleep and asked for my car keys. He was going to take the car to the dealer and have it fixed for me.  I had to stumble outside and show him how to start my hybrid car – then he was off.

A while later he called and told me that the repairs were done and it had cost $350.

I was freaking out because the car should have been under warranty.

Why had it cost 350 dollars?  What was wrong with it?

When he arrived home I rushed to the door…

“Tell me what they said, what did they find wrong with it?”

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Let’s just say… he was pulling my leg the whole time.

It didn’t cost a dime and the car was fine!

That’s all that matters.

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Except Alan and Chris keep asking us what happened with the car.

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The story I’m going with… is that I had transmission problems.   If anyone asks that’s why we had to stay another night and why the guys had to drive us all over town trying to fix my car – the answer is bad transmission problems.

Or I lost a gasket or the carburetor got out of joint.  Something like that.

Bill recommended that I just tell people that the drive shaft fell out in the middle of the desert and Sara and I had to fix it ourselves using fingernail polish and duct tape or tools that we made out of rocks!

Anything but the truth!

There is no way I am telling those guys the truth.

They will think I’m the dumbest woman on the planet!

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I didn’t have the gas cap screwed on tight enough!

Who the heck connected the gas cap to the “check engine” light?

What Japanese genius at Toyota came up with that idea?

How come the owners manual doesn’t say… “If your check engine light comes on – check your dang gas cap?”

How is a girl supposed to know these things?

Geez

Day 74: Is that Polar Bear a boy?

Second day in Vegas –

We woke up at 1pm.

We made it over to the singles conference at 3pm.

So I can officially say we attended the classes.

(We caught the last half of the last one!)

I made fun of Laney last summer because she only went to EFY to meet boys – but alas the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

The speaker was fantastic though and she told the funniest stories.

(Funniest is a word isn’t it?)

The first was about a lady who died never having the opportunity to marry.  In her written instructions to her family she requested that no men be allowed as pallbearers at her funeral.  The note said…

“They wouldn’t take me out when I was alive – so they ain’t taking me out now!”

That one had me on the floor!

But the next one is even funnier!

(Is funnier a word – or should a say “more funny?”)

There was this good Christian man who believed with all his heart – that God answers prayers.  One day he was walking through the woods and a giant hungry grizzlybear started chasing him.

He, of course, started praying and running.

He prayed and said, “Please, God, please, make this bear a Christian!”

Exactly at that moment the Bear caught up with him… and at the same time was magically converted to Christianity.

So the Bear dropped to his knees and said… “God, please bless this food I am about to eat.”  LMAO

Jared and Roy were also a little late that day and attended the last half of that class with us!   Here is Picture of Sara with our new friends!

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Jared on the left and Roy on the right.

After that, we ended up in the high school library (we were really bored) and I posed the question of the day…

Is that giant stuffed Polar Bear a boy or a girl?

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I couldn’t tell.

I haven’t had a date in a long time!  It’s that bad!

I tried to get Sara to stick her hand up under the fur to find out – but she declined.

Jared and Roy were no help either.

It looked to me like a girl…

It is probably a high maintenance girl too.  One who would rip your head off if you didn’t pet her or love her enough!

I laughed my head off when I saw the little chain and ring hanging from it’s ear though.

“This sucker is a keychain!”

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The biggest Keychain ever!

That night we made more new friends, sang karaoke and gave speed dating a try.

Though we wouldn’t recommend it – unless they split up the age groups.

I did meet some nice men for my grandma though.

Just to set the record straight Sara and I didn’t actually sing Karaoke – we just cheered Chris and David on.  We were on the floor laughing when girls started shoving money down the front of his G’s!

Here is a picture of Sara, Chris and I…

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The After Party at Lori’s was the best yet!

We danced until I was too tired to stand up on my own!

Sara and Chris dropped me off at 3am and they went out to breakfast.

I was too tired to walk another step.

We can honestly say this trip was funner than anything we’ve done yet!

(Yes, I said it on purpose!   I’m going to keep using it just to irritate Alan!)

FYI – On Saturday night – I noticed that the “Check Engine” warning light on my car had come on.  This had me a little concerned so I took the owners manual in to look up what that meant.

This is going to set you up to understand what happened to us on Sunday.

Day 73: Cats, Keys and a FUNNER Day!

We arrived in Las Vegas about 4pm on Friday and headed to Alan’s house.

(Thank heaven for GPS on the iphone!)

When we got there Alan showed us around his house and introduced us to his cat’s.

They are amazingly well trained cats.

So well trained it was a little scary!

He also explained to us that he would never again own a female cat because they whine constantly.  They want to be loved and petted all the time and constantly need attention.  Apparently all women are high maintenance!

Go figure.

Then he gave me a key to his house so we could get in and out – but he wasn’t totally sure it was the right key. So he recommended going to the door to make sure it worked.

So I went outside and shut the door behind me.  Stuck the key in the door knob and unlocked it.

No problem, it worked.

I was in!

Alan then said, “Did you try the deadbolt?”

I hadn’t.

So I stepped outside and was about to shut the door to try it again, when Alan stopped me…

He said, “You do know that you don’t have to go out side and pretend your coming home to check the key?   You could just put it in the lock right here.”

Ohhh!

Your right.

That was kinda silly.

I am actually a very intelligent woman –

Don’t laugh – I’m serious!

Though I don’t think Alan thinks I am.

He pointed out to me, when I first got there, that “funner” isn’t a word.

Apparently it is a “Utah” word.

Which means only people from Utah think it’s a word.

Once he pointed it out, I realized… I say it all the time!

“It was way funner staying with you Alan!”

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Alan at Macaroni Grill!

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Friday Night we went out to dinner with Alan and met some new friends Elliot, Nate, Brook and Alecia!  We had a great dinner at Macaroni Grill and then headed to our first Singles Conference Dance.

When we first walked in…  I was in shock.

That is the only way I can describe it.

It was all old people

They told me it was for 31 years old and up –

I didn’t realized that would mean 31 to 99.

It felt like a dance at a retirement home.

The room was full of grandma’s and grandpa’s sipping punch at tables – no one was dancing – the lights were all on – the music was out of date.

You have got to be kidding me –

We drove to Vegas for this!

Alan whispered in my ear… “Give it a little time, it’s going to get better!  The old people won’t stay long – it’s past their bed time already.  The younger people will come! I promise!”

They did – and the dance got better.

“Alan you were such a great friend to guide us through that experience!”

Though there were a few weird things that Sara and I had never seen before.  Group line dances for instance and a 80+ grandma dancing while talking on her cell phone – then shoving the cell phone down into her bra to keep it safe.

We felt a little uncomfortable and it took a while for us to get our groove on – but in the end we had fun.   At one point Sara and I found ourselves kinda standing around, feeling a little out of place and awkward.  We didn’t know what to do.

So we asked ourselves that old time tested question…  WWTD

“What would Tammy do?”

We realized immediately we should grab a guy and start dancing… so we did.

The funniest thing that night was when someone told me…  the best way to help Bishops save marriages in their wards.

If a couple came in because they were thinking about splitting up the Bishop should just require them to attend a few singles dances.

Then come back and tell him if they still wanted a divorce.

I think it would work!

After the Dance we all headed to Chris Petty’s house for an after party!

That is where the night started getting funner!

(I said that on purpose by the way)

It was a blast!  Chris had a better DJ and we danced for hours.

We met so many new friends and fell into bed exhausted at 4 am.

Here are some pictures…

That's me and Sara in the back!

That's Alan in the bottom right corner and Sara in the top left. Kim is at the Top!

Day 73: Made it to Las Vegas…

…Barely!

Sara and I decided to take a road trip because we have no kids this weekend and there was a singles conference happening in Las Vegas!

Watch out Nevada… here we come!

I know you will be shocked to hear this, but we got off to a rough start.

It took us 35 minutes to get 3 blocks…   because we had so many mishaps.

We left Sara’s house at 9am and stopped at the gas station.

Between the two of us we couldn’t get the gas pump to work.  Part of her problem was that she hadn’t had sugar in 5 days and was trying to eat a chocolate covered granola bar at the same time she swiped her credit card.  She was on some kind of a sugar rush.

First it was backwards, then upside down then the machine decided it was through with us and quit working all together – so the gas station chick had to come out and help us because we were so retarded.

We finally got the gas pumping and went back to my car only to discover that Sara had knocked over her MILK and it had spilled all over the carpet of my car.  My new car!

Just so you know – spilled milk in a car (sitting in the hot Las Vegas sun) SMELLS really bad quick.

We both panicked because it would be a long drive to Vegas and back in a stinky car.

Sara ran back into the station and told the gas station chick what happened and that we needed paper towels!  She rolled her eyes and pointed Sara to the rest rooms.

We mopped up as much as we could but it was still a puddle – so Sara went back to gas station chick AGAIN – and asked for a rag or some 409.

The gas station chick said she didn’t have any – but Sara could see both behind the counter and pointed that out!

I don’t think Gas Station Chick liked us.

Go figure.

Sara got the puddle pretty clean but the rag was soaked so she ran back in to rinse it out and come back for a final scrub – but someone was in the bathroom!

There was another sink behind the gas station chick though.  Sara asked if she could use that sink.  Gas Station chick had about had it but agreed.

While all this was happening we were so focused on cleaning that we failed to notice a huge tanker truck right behind us (waiting for us to move apparently!)

Finally the driver came to my window and asked if we were done yet and could we please move.  So I pulled forward into a parking spot and turned off the car.

30 seconds later he was at my window again – “Lady you pulled in right were I need to go!  Can you please MOVE over there!”

Oh! I finally got what he meant!

By this time these people thought we were the stupidest women on earth.

Then we went across the street to the bank because I wanted to cash a check real quick.  Once at the bank Sara realized that she forgot to buy a water bottle which she meant to do at the gas station (but we had forgotten since we were a little distracted.)

So she walked back across the street and you should have seen gas station chicks face when she walked in AGAIN.

We are not her favorite customers!

40 minutes later we were finally on the road.

We made it to Las Vegas without incident – except for that Carl’s Junior we stopped at that smelled like the Zoo and the sales person that asked me if I had any sense?

My first thought was “not really!”

Then I realized she had said “cents.”

We are getting ready to hit the town with Alan and his friends – we will let you know what happens next…

Day 71: Martha Stewart’s way or Single Mom’s way?

Whose way is better?

Martha’s way: Stuff a marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent drips.

Single Mom’s Way: Suck the ice cream out of the bottom for Pete’s sake your probably lying on the couch exhausted anyway.

Martha’s way: To keep potatoes from budding place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Single Mom’s way: Buy instant mashed potatoes – they keep for over a year.

Martha’s way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead so there won’t be any flour on the outside of the cake.

Single Mom’s way: Buy the cake at the bakery, they’ll even decorate it for you.

Martha’s way: To cure a headache, take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.  The throbbing will go away.

Single Mom’s way: Martha dear, the only reason this works is because when I rub a lime on my forehead the juice runs down into my eyes.  So my problem isn’t a headache anymore – now I’m blind.

Martha’s way: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

Single Mom’s way: Brown sugar’s supposed to be soft?

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Latest update on my love life…

It’s non-existent – meaning it’s been so long since I’ve been on a date I can’t even remember the last one!

So I decided that I need to get out there and meet some people!

I also wanted to book some speaking engagements and find some new avenues for my business.  So today I went to a speed networking event.

I admit it – I was also hoping that I might meet someone to date.  Since I was there anyway and dressed up cute!

I even put on lipstick and wore a skirt with my sexy black boots!

The event was fun and I met a lot of great people and yes, a few of them were single men!

I gave out my business card to all of them!

The bad news is…

When the event was over and I was getting ready to leave a nice man stopped me and said…

“You might want to clean your teeth off – I think you have some lipstick there on your teeth.”

“Are you kidding me?”

It had been there the whole time!

I almost punched the guy.

“Thanks— though, I sure wish you had told me a little sooner!”

This stuff only happens to me!

Another New Years Resolution –

Check lipstick in mirror before you go meet new people!

Day 67: Old East High – Friday Night on the Town

Friday night was an absolute blast!

It was like a flashback to 1986 – because there I was, out on the town with Sara Dunlop, Bill Dunford, Shelly and Tammy.  All of my East High Friends will appreciate how Twilight Zone that was.  I hadn’t seen Bill and Sara in over 25 years.

Now we’re all in our forties, divorced, single, we need reading glasses to read the menu, we each have 3 or 4 kids at home – yet we were back together, hanging out, just like the old days.

We laughed our heads off telling stories from high school.

Shelly, Sara and Bill have been following the blog though, so they were  all a little nervous at what trouble Tammy and I might get them into.  When we met for dinner they kept asking us where the KISS ladies were… and they were on guard for flying ranch dressing all night.

I don’t think I’m ever gonna live that one down!

Sara and Shelly shared some of their crazy single adventures too.  They cracked us up with their story about chasing mad llamas… and Sara impressed us with the fact that she is a single mom, who not only owns tools… but actually uses them!

She even has a pair of those plastic googles!

She did admit though, that she bought the saw and the googles in order to hang a shoe rack  – which at least made sense to us.

(By the way I did finally get a tool kit the other day – though, there are a few things in that sucker that I have no clue what you do with.  But I have a hammer now – so I can stop hanging pictures with a can opener!)

Anyway back to the story…

We had made big plans to attend the Club 600 Mid singles night – now let me explain that Club 600 is the only non-alcoholic club in Salt Lake and once a month they have a mid-singles night for those over 30 years old.  We have been talking about going to this for months – and it finally worked out when Sara and Bill could go with us.

Though after our News Years Eve fiasco, Tammy and I were very skeptical that it would be fun.  If anyone showed up dressed as Captian Stubbing or George Washington – we were out of there.

When we arrived, there was actually a line going in –

That was a good sign.

(But remember we couldn’t see what was happening on the dance floor from there.)

When we got to the counter the girl handed me a name tag with the number 75 on it.

That’s kinda weird.

When I asked what the heck it was for, she said that it was for a game they were going to play.

That was a bad sign.

Party games?  At a dance club?

It went from bad to worse when the man stamped my hand and handed me a piece of paper which said the “Stupid Cupid Love Match Game.”

Yes, I’m serious.

It asked for your name, phone number and email address – and had spots for you to write the five numbers of people who would be interested in dating.  Tammy was insulted that these people thought she needed help meeting people – I was shocked that they were going to give my contact information to anyone who wrote down my number.

Are you kidding me?

The Stupid Cupid Match Game?

That is really a bad sign.

Then we walked in…

Well it turns out…  those 10 people who had been in line in front of us…

They were the only people there!!!!!

I have never seen such a big empty room in my life.  It was like a junior high dance that no one came to.  It made New Years Eve Dance look fun – that’s how bad it was.

Then I noticed there was another room off to the side, and I thought, “Maybe that’s where all the people are?”

So we walked over there… but that room was completely empty.

It took us about 30 seconds to decide that this wasn’t happening.

We turned around and walked right back out.  (So glad that we paid $8. to get in)

We decided to try our favorite dance club instead.  Sara and Shelly had been resistant to going there – but decided that anything was better than the junior high valentine dance that the management had actually called “stupid – cupid.”

When we got there – the place was packed, the music was rocking.

Sara, Shelly and Bill laughed their heads off when they saw the people who we’ve made famous in our stories.  (Tammy and I give the crazy people cute nick names so we can remember them.)

There is the “Boy Shorts Girl” – who you would have to see to believe.  No girl with legs that fat should wear swimsuit bottoms to a dance club.   Bill thinks he’s scarred for life – he can’t get the image out of his head.  It’s that bad!

Then there is “Princess Diana” with short blonde hair and more fake diamonds than you thought possible for one girl to wear.  Where is the paparazzi when you need them?

Then our favorite “Stoned Guy” who I have mentioned before.  Sara and Shelly hadn’t believed me about his standing in the middle of the dance floor trying to figure out how he got there, all night long.  But he was true to my word all night.  Bill dared me to go right up see if I could get him to dance with me or even make eye contact.  He didn’t – though I think he might have smiled a little.  He also spent an hour pretending he was an airplane.

Sara and Bill got into the action and named a few crazy people themselves…

They named the long haired guy” Tarzan” – though we are pretty sure was stoned too.

Sara named “The Old Sweater Guy” who thought he was a really good dancer and freaked the girls out when he tried to get Shelly to give him a ride home.  You should have heard her screaming “Drive! Drive!” – like Sara was the getaway car after a robbery.

Sara also named the young handsome 28 year old who asked her for her number “The Young Buck” – she had to turn him down – but it sure makes us 40 year olds happy that they ask.

Remember Adam, the really great dancer, who made my night last Saturday – he was there again and I was really glad to see him.  I haven’t had a date in so long that a really good slow dance made my whole week.  Bill named him the “Russian Bear Hugger” which I have to admit is pretty accurate.

Watching and naming the crazy people is really the most entertaining part of going there.

It is people watching at it’s finest.

We are going back next Saturday if anyone wants to come.

The best part of the night though, was reuniting with good friends who understand what I’m going through – it helps so much.

Thanks for a wonderful East High Reunion Night!

Day 66: The pool guy wrote me!

Do you guys remember this from Saturday night…

Tammy decided that she would ask a stranger to give us a dollar.

(Of course she was gonna to pick a handsome stranger!)

I thought she was crazy.

So she walked over to the one table of really good looking guys (who we had been admiring all night) and explained our situation and asked them if they’d be open to giving us a dollar.

I was laughing my head off.

One very handsome gentleman agreed to finance the game – if he could play.

After the game Brandon went back to his friends and we got ready to leave.

Before heading to the door I walked back over and told him…

“Brandon I was thinking that you might, at some point, find yourself in need of some life coaching, so I wanted to make sure that you had my card, okay?

He laughed.  His friends laughed.  Who knows if I’ll ever hear from him – but he was gorgeous!

———————————————————————

I heard from him.

He sent me an email last night.

I was pretty excited since the only other message I got yesterday was from a 22 year old man who lives in Nigeria.

I don’t know what’s up with these men in foreign countries.

Tammy doesn’t get these – it’s only me!

Anyway here is what the email said…

Kim,

I was referred to you cuz I’ve been looking for a life coach that’s hot enough to date and has a wild side that makes her randomly like to cheat at pool.

Ha ha ha…  How did your ladies night turn out?  Any good dating blog come of it besides the cheating at pool story?  🙂

Brandon

——————————————————————-

I wrote him back and explained that taking a mulligan because you hit the wrong ball does not qualify as cheating in pool!

I also explained that if I’m going to be his life coach it will require getting to know him better.  Ha Ha.

I’ll let you know what happens next!

Day 65: Win the War with Women!

(I didn’t write this but it cracked me up so I thought I’d share it.)

If you want to win the war just take all the women of America who are within five years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna – drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it.

Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We’ve had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future.

We’d like to get away from our husbands, if they haven’t left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning.

We have nothing to lose.

We’ve survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We’ve spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events…finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please … we’ve planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years … we understand tribal issues between groups.

We’ve divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it … with or without the government’s help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

I’m going to write my Congresswoman.

You should too! 🙂

Day 64: Love Knocked me down!

It’s very ironic that this song has been stuck in my head for the last two days.

Most days I’m pretty happy.  I feel optimistic and excited about the future but…

Some days I get down!

Hence the song.

It’s also a little depressing when the only man who has written you (from two different dating sites) in the last week –  is a 24 year old who lives in Pakistan.

Since I can’t get it out of my head here are some of the lyrics…

Sometimes love comes around

Love comes around…

And it knocks you down

Just get back up
When it knocks you down
Knocks you down.

Say you gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad.
So will u bring a better future than I had in the past

Oh Cause, I don’t wanna make the same mistakes I did
I don’t wanna fall back on my face again

Sometimes love comes around

Love comes around…
And it knocks you down

Just get back up
When it knocks you down
Knocks you down

Won’t see it coming when it happens, hey
But when it happens you’re gonna feel it, let me tell you now
You see when love knocks you down

Just get back up
When it knocks you down
Knocks you down

Don’t worry I’m getting back up as we speak!

Day 63: I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on!

(Fun quotes about womanhood!)

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task… since it consists principally in dealing with men.

The three words women most want to hear from a man are… ‘You lost weight!”

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

The phrase “working mother” is redundant.

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Forty is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

Whoever thought up the word “Mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman.

A woman’s rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.

Day 62: Glad I am a Man Song

(This post was donated by a guy – obviously)

Everyday I give thanks to God,

that I was born a man and not a broad.

When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV,

I don’t shave my legs, and I stand up to pee.

I am glad I’m a man.

I go to a barber, not a beauty salon,

Don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on.

I don’t apply makeup in my car’s rear-view mirror,

I don’t think of Bambi when I’m out hunting deer.

I am glad I’m a man.

I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie,

This is the same underwear I wore yesterday.

I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail,

I don’t buy shoes just because they’re on sale.

I a’m glad I’m a man.

Don’t wax my privates so I can wear shorts,

I use my turn signal and I understand sports.

I a’m glad I’m a Man!