Some days you get to experience stupid

I have certain philosophies about life that you will hear me expound on quite often.
One of those happens to be the idea that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe in accidents. I believe life is a classroom, every experience is a lesson, and every person in our life is a teacher. This is a strongly held belief of mine.
That being the case, how do you explain yesterday?
I got up at 4am (yes 4am) to run down to the KSL TV studio in Salt Lake to do my Monday LIFEadvice segment. It is Morning Show protocol that when I arrive, I call my producer to come let me in (When you arrive in the middle of the night there’s apparently no one at the front desk.)
When I told her I was there, her response was, “Why are you here?”
“What do you mean why am I here? It’s Monday. I’m here to do my segment.”
“But you aren’t scheduled for today.”
She explained they were planning on me next Monday and I had gotten the days mixed up. They didn’t have the segment slotted today and they couldn’t use me. She also explained that last week when she had said she wanted to move my segment from 6:15am to 5:45am she had only meant that week, not forever. I thought she meant forever so I had arrived eariler than usual.
Knowing that you got out of bed, at a ridiculous hour in the morning, for nothing, is a little frustrating!
Usually when frustrating things happen I calm myself down with thoughts like, “I wonder why this experience showed up in my life?” “What am I supposed to learn from this?” This is my way of trusting God and the Universe that I’m always where I’m supposed to be and seeing my life as a classroom.
It would comfort me to believe that I was supposed to get the dates mixed up for some interesting reason, or at least, there was somethng I was supposed to learn from this frustrating experience?
But in this case, I couldn’t come up with any good reason for my stupid mistake (expect maybe that I need to pay more attention).
I went home and worked on my book, so I was accomplishing something worthwhile, but I was really tired and bothered with myself for being so dumb.
The funny part is, this isn’t the end of the story.
At 3:30 that day I had a doctors appointment to check the progress of my arm surgery last month. So I jumped in the car and drove from Bountiful to 53rd south to the new IHC Medical Center. I had to hurry with this appointment because I had a client coming to the house at 5pm for a session. It knew it was going to be close.
When I arrived I checked in at the nurses station and told them I was here to see the Doctor, their response was oddly familiar, “Why are you here now?”
“For my appointment.”
“We don’t have you down today and the Doctor isn’t even here, he is at the Avenues office today.”
Suddenly I remembered, when I’d made the appointment they told me that I would have to go the Avenues office, but I hadn’t written that part down in my ipad, and it was too late to drive to the other office and still make it home in time.

Now, when you do something (this dumb) once, you can over look it. When you do it twice, on the same day, you have to wonder what’s wrong with you.
Seriously – twice in one day?
As I drove home, I pondered about why this experience had shown up in my life. Was there some divine reason? Was there a lesson I needed to learn from this? And do you know what thought came into my mind at that moment…
“Some days you just get to experience stupid.”
It is one of the many of human experiences we each get to enjoy on our journey through life. We each will get to experience feeling stupid on occasion (some of us more often than others) but there are interesting lessons these experience bring us.
We may learn patience with ourselves and other people. We may gain understanding and empathy for other people when they have stupid days. We might become less judgemental and self righteous when we get a dose of our own stupid. The bottom line is, this experience is good for us.
So the next time you get to experience stupid – see it for what it is.
Don’t waste time stressing about it, beating yourself up, complaining or ranting about it. Just sit back and feel it. Soak up the moment and really enjoy what the stupid experience feels like. See it as a lesson, not a reflection on your value.
Choose NOT to experience shame around it. Shame does you no good whatsoever. Shame is the feeling that you “Should Have Already Mastered Everything.” How ridiculous is that? If you knew it all, you wouldn’t need to be here.

Embrace your less than brilliant moments because they just prove you’re human like the rest of us. We are all struggling human beings in process and every day’s a lesson. Remember… Your not a stupid person… you’re just experiencing stupid today…
…and some days are like that.

 

The world is full of zanies and fools… who break the rules and usually break the bank!

(What I learned from Cinderella, bumble bees and taking risks!)

Our local high school is currently presenting Cinderella, so one night this week my daughter and I decided to go see the play.  Now… I can’t get that dang song about “impossible things” out of my head!

It’s haunting me… driving me crazy… I keep thinking about crazy impossible things.

It’s crazy people, you know, who defy logic every day and do things, no one thinks can be done.  Crazy people are the ones who break the rules, break the records and break the bank most of the time.

“The world is full of zanies and fools… who don’t believe in sensible rules… and won’t believe what sensible people say.. and because these daft and dewey eyed dopes…  keep building up impossible hopes… impossible things are happening every day!”
– Cinderella

I can’t stop thinking about craziness… and impossible things.

I have been thinking about how impossible it was that my little essay stood out from a field of 15,000 other people and got me on national TV with Good Morning America.  What are the odds that would happen?

Well… 20 in 15000!

I would have bet everything I had against that.

But it happened.

Impossible things are happening every day!

Today I read a clip from Alice in Wonderland. It was an exchange between Alice and the White Queen from Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll:

Alice says, “One can’t believe impossible things.”

“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

This famous conversation has prompted millions of creative people from around the world to name six impossible things, each day before breakfast.  This idea has ignited all kinds of “out of the box” ideas and inventions.  People are stretching their minds and looking for solutions that break the rules.

I liked the idea!

It has prompted me do some crazy things myself this week.  (I don’t want to jinx them by telling you about them just yet – but if something impossible happens… you will be the first to know!)

I am charged up with enthusiasm from my GMA experience and I am determined to reach for the stars with more confidence.  I am not going to let limits, lines or logic get in my way.  I am going to be bold.

I also remembered something I heard, when I was a child, about bumble bees.  Have you heard that Bumble bees, according to aerodynamic studies in wind tunnels and scientists who computed the wing span  and the weight of the bees, cannot fly?

Mathematically it is impossible for these creatures to fly… but the bees don’t know anything about this limit… so they go ahead and fly anyway.

Impossible things are happening every day!

So what’s up with the experts and scientist and naysayers who like to pop our enthusiastic bubbles when we try crazy things?

I recently read about Arthur C. Clarke, author of 2001: A Space Odyssey, who is a believer of impossible things. He had “Three Laws” regarding science and discovery.  I found these fascinating, full of truth and well worth sharing.  Here they are:

Clarke’s Law #1

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. Corollary: When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Clarke’s Law # 2

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to venture beyond them into the impossible.

Clarke’s Law # 3

Any significantly advanced technology is at first indistinguishable from magic.

If you had shown my grandmother a cell phone when she was a girl, she would have believed it some kind of sorcery for sure.  “You can’t talk to people on the other side of the world with a little hand held cordless device – that’s crazy!”

There are always unexplainable things in this world… that later on become explainable and even commonplace.

While looking up information about bumble bees, to remind me of the story I heard as a child, I was amazed to discover that in the last 40 years scientists had taken another look at the bees.

It turns out that after some new advances in high speed photography new calculations were able to be made. Scientists were able to see that the wings of the bumble bee… fill up like a parachute on the down stroke—greatly increasing the surface area of the wing.  They were able to plug the new surface area into the calculations… and they have now declared that the bumble bee can indeed fly…

… much to the relief of bumble bees all around the planet.

Whew!

So, just because something doesn’t make sense or you can’t understand or believe it… doesn’t mean it’s not so. Impossible things are happening every day!

One of the most famous stories regarding the impossible is the story of Roger Bannister.  He was a talented runner who proclaimed that he was going to run a mile in under 4 minutes.

In all of history no man had ever achieved this. Doctors declared it was impossible. The heart would not be able to handle the strain, the lungs would not have enough strength and they said one might actually die in the foolish attempt.

People believed it was impossible…

Roger Bannister believed otherwise. He believed it was possible as he saw himself improving and getting faster every year. He refused to listen to what people said.

Day in day out he trained and so sharpened his mind and body. He was convinced that slow and steady training would get him to break the 4 minute mile record.

On May 6, 1954 Roger Bannister broke the 4 minute mile. 3:59.4.

The remarkable thing is however, that one month later the impossible was made possible by yet another runner. And in the following year more and more people started to break the 4 minute mile.

Did the runners all of a sudden become better runners? Or was it that they now believed it was possible to break the 4 minute mile when they hadn’t before?

What is possible and what is not…  is all in the mind.  Most of life’s limitations come from within. But once you break these limitations and get out of your mental prison you realize that your biggest limitations are your beliefs.

The most common problem in our thinking is… “I can’t do that.  It’s too hard.  I’d never make it.”

Try this exercise:  Take a piece of paper and write down some goals in your life. Under one header, list down things ‘you know you can do’. Under another header, write the things ‘you might be able to do.’ And under one more, list the things that that are ‘impossible for you to do.’

What new grounds will you blaze?

After all, everything seems impossible… until the first time someone does it.

(“It’s kind of fun doing the impossible.” – said Walt Disney)

All I know is that we have nothing to lose by stretching, going for it, breaking down our limiting beliefs and shooting a little higher!

Don’t listen to the people who hold you back.  Believe in yourself and follow your heart.  It can’t hurt to try… remember those who never try – never win.

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” —Theodore Roosevelt

Impossible things are happening every day!

What are you going to do?

How to cope with being a loser on reality T.V. :-)

Everything that happens in life… prepares you for what will happen next… and who has had more embarrassing, humiliating moments, this last year than me.  LOL

I was ready for this.

After you have gone to work with your shirt inside out, been locked in Gold’s Gym half naked or been crowned “the life coach who got divorced, twice!”… having millions of people see you lose on TV isn’t that painful!   Ha Ha

It’s par for the course!

I was ready for reality T.V.

Last night I was watching some of “The Bachelor” with my girls.  We watched as the girls, who didn’t get a rose, left in shame and I remember thinking… “I would not want to be one of the girls who cries on her way out.  I would hold my head high, wish the dude good luck… and walk to the limo with a smile on my face.”

I also remember thinking… “how can these girls be that sad!  They don’t even know if they would have liked the guy.  He may have been all wrong for them and being sent home may have been a blessing!”

That is helping today…because I might not have liked that high paying job and the fame and fortune of being on national T.V.  It might have sucked.

Really!

I thought I was gonna make it to the next level though!!!  By all accounts, looking at the votes, I was in the top five!  I really thought I had this!  Obviously they didn’t decide this thing based on votes or substance or talent, for that matter, and I think I figured out why.  I realized something that I hadn’t thought of before…

this is a TV show…

I know that should have been obvious but it is a TV show… whose goals are ratings and money!

Their goal is NOT helping people.

I’m in the business of helping people…that’s my goal!  So obviously I wasn’t the right one for this job!

It’s good news that I will not be spending my days writing advice columns for a company who doesn’t really care about people.  I will spend my days coaching, writing and speaking to people I care about!

It still stings though… when you don’t get the rose…

…you get voted off the island…

…you lose that promotion you really wanted…

…you get laid off…

…you blow the shot that would have won the big game that really mattered…

…or are terribly disappointed by the myriad of ways life can knock you on your butt.  Right?

These losses sting.

These experiences sting because they bring your deepest core fear to the surface and rub it in your face…The fear that maybe you just aren’t good enough, or that your life isn’t going to be good enough!!

That is why losses sting.

They feel like they mean something about who you are!  Something bad!

So how do you cope with that?

The answer is the same answer my clients give me every time I ask them…

“How do you get out of FEAR?”

The correct answer is… “Love and Trust – The Clarity Formula!”
(This is the Clarity Point Remedy – CPR – which really does save lives!)

How does it work?

You make four important choices, two about trust and two about love.

First you make the choice to trust:

1) You choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line.  This isn’t about your value at all.  Your value is infinite and absolute and nothing you do or don’t do can change it!  You choose to trust that you are right where you’re supposed to be and who you’re supposed to be. You are the perfect you, right now.

You choose to trust that this loss doesn’t define you.  It doesn’t mean anything about “who you are” and it doesn’t effect your value in anyway!

Just because the Bachelor sent you home, doesn’t mean you aren’t an awesome amazing woman!

Just because GMA and ABC didn’t think you made the cut… doesn’t mean you don’t have talent in spades!  It doesn’t mean anything about who you are!

You are the same person you were yesterday before Simon ripped your performance apart and kicked you off the show.  His opinion doesn’t change who you are.

No one’s does!

You trust that your value is set by God… and does not change no matter what!

2) You also choose to believe that your life’s journey is perfect.  You choose to believe that you are right on track and this experience is exactly the right one you need next, to become who you’re meant to be.  As bad as this experience is – it’s perfect for some reason!  You choose to trust the process of life.  You have to choose this… it’s the only way to emotional balance.

You choose to believe that hooking up with that Bachelor was not in the plans for you because your perfect path is somewhere else.  You choose to believe that being on Good Morning America would have distracted you from helping people that need your help!  You choose to trust that this loss is perfect!

Then you make the choice to love:

1) We teach our clients that the first step to love is choosing to see other people as the same as you.  They aren’t better and they aren’t worse.  They do the best they can, with what they know at the time… just like you do.  When you see others as the same as you… compassion shows up and you see them accurately.  This helps you love others and yourself better.

Those girls who got a rose, are not better than you.  Seeing them as better, and yourself as less than, will just produce drama that is beneath who you are.  They are struggling scared, flawed human beings, the same as you.  Seeing the girls (with roses) as brown-nosing sluts, who are worse than you, so you can feel better about yourself – is again, beneath you.

I know the folks who made the cut on GMA aren’t better or worse than me… they just fit what the producers were looking for better and in the end it was their perfect journey to stay in, and it was mine to leave!   I decided to reach out to them and send notes of congratulations.

2) Then you choose to be about giving love not getting love.  You choose to focus on others more than yourself.  You choose to make others feel important instead of worrying about whether you are.

At times of loss – you look for others to lift, love or serve and this makes you feel better (because you like who you are now.)  If you focus on giving – you feel great!

This simple formula works.  I have had hundreds, if not thousands, of clients who have tried this formula in all kinds of situations over the last seven years and it works!  It helps you get rebalanced after a loss that triggers fear.  You will probably have to keep re-choosing love and trust every five minutes, all day long, when the fear creeps back in, but it works.

This is how I processed this loss.  I used this formula!

I thought it was important to share this…since your next loss is probably not far away.

If your life is anything like mine, loss is a reoccurring theme that just won’t quit!  But in spite of this I still consider myself lucky and blessed.  Good things happen to us too, all the time!

So the next time loss, disappointment or trouble smacks you in the face… try it.

Or you could hit the gym and run three miles while listening to The Climb over and over and over.  Here is the link to the song -and some of the lyrics.

“There’s always gonna be another mountain. I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle. Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.
Ain’t about how fast I get there. Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side.
It’s the climb!
The struggles I’m facing. The chances I’m taking. Sometimes might knock me down.
But no, I’m not breaking!
I may not know it. But these are the moments that I’m gonna remember most, yeah.
Just gotta keep going.  And I, I got to be strong. Just keep pushing on”

This is what I did this morning after I got the news!

I know it’s lame to listen to Miley Cyrus… but this song helped lift my spirits and motivate me – during that run I realized I needed to focus on giving… so we decided to do an amazing call tomorrow night on dealing with the losses, disappointments and other experiences that knock us to the ground.  We need a powerful call about surviving!

I will have some amazing guest speakers on the call, who have been through some really tough stuff – (makes my reality TV loss look stupid!)  And we want to hear your stories too.  We want to have a big, giant, group coaching session with everyone who wants to join us!

We are shaking things up, changing the format and we need you to join us to talk about the stuff that knocks you on your butt. We all have losses – we all get the rug pulled out from under us! Let’s talk about it!

Join us  tomorrow January 5th at 8:30pm.

Call in at (218) 862-7200 enter access code: 467648.

 

How to cope when life kicks your butt – The Emotional CPR call

How to handle a “one upper” type friend!

From Leonard in North Carolina:

No matter what one has or does, I have a friend who always says, “I’ve done that” or “I have bigger and better.” How is the best way to tell him that the reason other people avoid him is because he always has to “top” what they’ve done or have? Our friendship is often strained when he pulls this card on me.

Leonard, if you think that’s bad, I have a friend who’s even worse.  My friend is way more annoying than yours.  (Just kidding.)

 

Seriously, even as an advice guru, I haven’t got the slightest clue how to make people like this change, but I have a long list of prospective candidates myself… if we should ever find a way.

 

I can suggest something even better though.

 

I can show you an amazing way to encourage your friend to want to change himself.  This works best because people don’t resist change, they resist being changed.  If they choose to change themselves, everyone wins!

(We all know people we would like to change – so pay attention to this guru magic.)

The trick lies in seeing your friend’s true potential and helping him see himself, as the better person you know he can be.  This approach uses love to gently nudge someone in the right direction.

Next time you see him, say something like this…

“Can I tell you how much I appreciate what a great friend you are?  As a matter of fact, I read something the other day that immediately made me think of you.  (YOU AREN’T LYING BECAUSE YOU READ THIS ARTICLE.) It said, in any moment you are in one of two places… you are either asking for love and attention from people, or you are giving love and attention to people.

It made me wonder, “What kind of person am I?   Am I someone who talks about himself too much because he needs validation?  Or am I someone who edifies other people by listening to them?

I really appreciate that you are someone who gives love and attention to other people.  You don’t need to tell your stories, one up or impress others.  You make other people feel important by allowing most conversations to be about them.  It’s a great quality and one I want to work on. ”

Then move onto other things.

It wouldn’t hurt to pay him these types of compliments on a regular basis.  YOU ARE NOT LYING TO HIM. You are reminding him of who he really is.  These compliments will also build up his self esteem.

Remember he does the whole “one-upping” thing because he is insecure.  It’s not about you.  It’s about his fear.  So don’t take it personally when he does it.  Just smile and let it roll off.

The principle behind the advice:

People want to be who they think you think they are.  If you see the best in them and tell them what you see, they will want to live up to your expectations.

I can’t even blow dry my dang hair!

It is time to get real!

Do you want to know why (bottom line) I should be the Good Morning America Advice Guru… because I’m the real deal.  I’m not a famous author, or a P.H.D.   I’m not a radio personality or a T.V. star.  I’m just a regular American mom who happens to have spent the last 22 years going through crap that you wouldn’t believe if I told you about it, trying to figure out how to make it through alive!

I am an “in the trenches”, grocery shopping, homework helping, mother of seven, who spends all day every day coaching real people through their real struggles with relationships, jobs and families.

My daily concerns run from “Does the dog need his anal glands squeezed?” (something I still don’t understand) to how to get gum out of a 5 year old’s hair to figuring out ways to help my client deal with losing his job.  My dishes aren’t done and I have piles of laundry.  The city is mad because my sidewalks aren’t shoveled.  I’ve had tendinitis in my right arm for five months and can’t even blow dry my own hair!  But I’m doing the best I can!

I spend 3 hours a day driving children places, and the other 21 hours a day worrying them.  Are they experimenting with drugs or just crazy?  Do I really have to say things like…”Don’t put your arm in the garbage disposal!” or “If you don’t know what it is, don’t eat it?”

Last summer my kids took a giant animal, stuffed with Styrofoam pellets, and blew it up.  Then spent the next 2 days vacuuming the backyard.  It looked like snow in the summer.

There is never a dull moment with seven highly creative and confident children of every size and color living with you.  The older ones have their own rock band, which rehearses in my basement of course.  (I’ve gotten used to the floor vibrating and have decided to enjoy working to live music.)  My African-American daughter has the stomach flu and my 15 year old, just remembered she has a report due tomorrow.

My life is crazy.  I have been sighted standing in front of a broken water heater or a rain gutter that just fell off the house, in tears, because I had no idea what to do.  But over the years, I have learned how to find answers to all of these problems.  I have learned how to fix things myself or how to find people who could.

I’ve also learned important lessons about pulling yourself back up, fighting your way through and believing in yourself.  Through it all I gained unique insights into the human condition and what it takes to survive it.  I also figured out principles that help me find the answers to every problem.

I have spent the last seven years teaching these simple principles to other people.  The cool part is that my principle based answers work… every time.  Not because I’m smart, but because they are true principles.

But in spite of all this, I am watching some of the other, more famous, finalists get twice as many votes as me.  They are cleaning this contest up.  Some of them have huge followings because they are published authors or celebrities.  But I wonder if they really understand what the families who are struggling across this country are going through.  I know that I’m the only one with seven kids, a chihuahua and a bad arm!

(Could I put that on a resume?)

Have they ever had a cart full of groceries and three hungry kids, and got to the checkout only to be told their card was declined?  Have they ever had to drag three hungry kids, who were now crying, out of the store empty handed?  I have.

Have they had to testify against their friend, who the FBI just arrested?  Have they been in bed on I.V.s for an entire year because they couldn’t keep food down?  I have.

I have been through worse things too.  But that’s not really the point.

The point I am trying to make is just this… I can do this job with more heart and more love for the people who are struggling…than anyone else can!

I also have clever, entertaining answers that are time tested and work.  But more importantly… I could be the heart of that show!

I could be the “real American” on Good Morning America.

I also need the job.

The down-turn in the economy has made it real rough to find business the last two years.  We have made it by the skin of our teeth but I’ve had to put off things like dentist appointments and physical therapy for bad arms.  And though I feel very blessed, because we’ve kept our heads above water… I’d sure like to have to pay for school lunch again or go to the grocery store without my coupon binder.  I’d sure like to know where next months house payment is coming from.  I’d sure like to get my dang arm fixed!!!

I really want this job!

I guess I needed an outlet to express where my heart is today.

This is the one job on the planet which I am totally qualified to do… and all I can do is pray and trust that somehow, someone will see that this girl is the right one!

I can’t blow dry my own hair… but I can do that job!

Cross your fingers for me.

Every situation is here to teach us something

3^rd Question

From Charlotte in Nellysford, Virginia:

I am writing to you about our daughter who has been married for over three years. She expresses displeasure (initiated by her husband) about the close relationship my husband and I have with her in-laws. My daughter feels that we are intruding upon their time with the in-laws; this is not the case. My husband and I have enjoyed a close, friendly relationship with the in-laws and are baffled and resent being told to back off. We do not see the logic. We were told that to have a relationship with his parents is not normal. Is she right?

Charlotte –

What a beautiful opportunity this is!  I love it when the universe gives us opportunities to practice getting along with others.

(And dang it, we sure get a lot of them!)

My advice is to have a loving, validating conversation with your daughter and her husband, and create a compromise that is a win for everyone.  This will be a wonderful opportunity to practice handling disagreements with maturity and respect.  You can do it!

When you have this conversation with them, make sure that you are ready to set your feelings aside upfront, and understand and validate their feelings.  Make the first part of the conversation all about them.

Ask them to tell you more about how they feel about the issue and why.  Keep asking questions … and just listen.  Do not disagree or agree at this point, no matter how much you want to.  Keep your thoughts and feelings on hold.  Don’t make them part of the conversation just yet.

Show them that you genuinely want to understand how they feel.   If you spend enough time here, a magical thing will happen… their hearts will soften, they won’t feel as defensive and they will become more open minded about the whole thing.  This happens whenever you validate someone’s feelings.

Then, when you can tell the kids feel understood… ask permission to share how you feel about the issue.  “Would you be open to letting me share my thoughts and feelings about this with you?”

Tell them why the friendship is important to you.  (Do not tell them you think they are wrong!)  Focus on the reasons why you would like to maintain a friendship with the in-laws.  Then ask them if they would be open to creating some kind of win/win.

Ask them what a win might look like to them.  Listen.

Offer what a win might look like for you.

I am very confident that having a mature and loving conversation can produce a good compromise.  Let us know how it goes.

The principles behind the advice: Listening to other people’s thoughts and feelings makes them feel valued at the deepest level.  This creates an environment where compromise and good conversations can happen.  When you are willing to listen to people, they feel valued and want to give back to you.

Every experience in your life is here to teach you something.   Every experience is here to show you something about yourself and to give you an opportunity to step it up.  If you see each experience this way… you won’t take things as personally and will focus on how you can do better.

A stressed out mom and a worried son – ask the guru!

Coach Kim,

I suspect my parents, who are in their 60s and earn modest incomes, have minimal savings. How do I broach the topic of retirement with them when they are hesitant to “trouble” their children with their financial concerns?

Worried Son

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Worried Son

What is your motive or agenda for having this conversation?  What are you afraid of?

Maybe you are worried about having to take care of them, in their old age, if they don’t properly prepare.  This is a realistic concern, but it is all about you.

You need to make sure this isn’t about your fear.  If  this issue is about your fear, they will feel that right away and the conversation won’t go well.  If they sense your fear (which they will – if that’s what’s motivating you) they will probably get defensive and shut you out.

You need to have a validating, loving conversation with them, treating them as adults, the same as you.  You need to validate and respect where they are on this, and show them you respect them.

Follow the rules for having tough conversations…  they will help you handle it with love.

1) Find the right time – You want to have this conversation when you are alone and won’t be interrupted.

2) Ask permission to discuss a sensitive issue – “Would you be open to talking about something kind of personal with me?”
(Wait for a yes)

3) Ask whether they feel safe with you – “Do you know I care about you and respect you?”
(Wait for a yes)

4) Ask them what they think and feel about the issue –“May I ask some questions about your retirement plans?”  (Wait for a yes)

If they do not want to discuss this with you – you must respect that.  Money is a deeply personal issue and if they are not comfortable discussing it, and you push it, you will slam the door on any chance to return to the topic later on.  If you respect how they feel, and let it go, the door will stay open.  They may even come to you when they need advice.

If they say yes…

“How comfortable are you with your plans for retirement?”  (Listen)  “Do you think that you are going to have what you’ll need?”  (Listen)  “How is it going trying to save some money?”  “Has it been hard?”  (Listen)

After you have listened and validated their right to think and feel the way they do, you can go to step 5.

5) Ask permission to speak your truth – “Would you be open to some suggestions from me?”  or “Would you be open to advice on it?”  (Wait for a Yes)

6) Speak your truth – Share your ideas but be careful not to tell them they are wrong.  Just share your ideas and ask them what they think.

Understand the principle behind the advice…

Notice that every step involves asking the person a question, even at the end when you speak your truth, you still phrase it as a question.  Doing it this way shows the other person you honor and respect them.  It creates a safe place where they are less likely to get defensive.

I know that it’s a repeat… but this formula works!

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Coach Kim

How can I get rid of the guilt when I don’t get everything done on “the list”? :). I know its not about me but its still hard.

Stressed Out Mom

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Dear Stressed Out Mom –

I feel your pain.  Sometimes a busy family is like having a bowling alley in your head!  I’d love to share some things that might bring you some peace and quiet.

Look at what guilt is… it is fear that you aren’t good enough.

It’s that pesky core fear again.

It just won’t go away!

It probably never will… So you have to learn some ways to process through it (as fast as possible!)  You must learn how to calm down the fear and choose peace.

So how do you get out of fear?

The Clarity Formula is my favorite technique.  It uses the principles of trust and love to bring you from fear to peace. Also remember that every second you spend in fear, you are missing things going on with people around you.  The fear is robbing the world of your love.

Don’t waste time here… the world needs you.

When you are feeling stress – just take a second and focus on each of these four things…

1) Choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line.  Choose to trust that your value is infinite and absolute.  Choose to remind yourself that you are safe on this journey and nothing you do has to be perfect to be perfect – for this moment.  Remember that you are the perfect you right now, today!

2) Choose to trust that your journey is perfect.  Choose to trust that you are right on track to becoming who you are meant to become.  Choose to trust that everything is happening exactly as it should be and this situation is perfect (for some crazy reason you don’t even need to know).  Choose to see “where you are right now” as perfect.

3) Choose to see other people as the same as you.  Make sure that you are seeing them accurately

4) Choose to focus on giving to others.  This could mean validation, attention or love.  As long as your focus is not on you.  Fear is all about you – only in the absence of fear can we focus on others.

That’s the Clarity Formula – and it works for any kind of fear!

As you practice processing your way out of fear, you will get faster and faster at it.  Pretty soon you will get from stress to peace in an instant, but it requires practice to get there.

Write down the steps on some index cards.  Keep one in your purse, post one in the kitchen, bathroom, etc.

Remember that fear is a choice.  You can choose peace.  You have control over what thoughts you embrace.  You can choose thoughts that promote mental and emotional peace.

You can do it!

You must do it – because you don’t want to pass this down to your kids.

Follow the steps – it will work!

Guru Advice… what do you think about these?

The Post from GMA requests a Question for the Advice Gurus. I ask them this: My sister has run off with a shady character and no longer keeps in contact with the family. She moved 2000 miles away. How do we get our sister/daughter back? We are all so worried about this boyfriend. He has been mean to her in the past. Very scary for us all.

Amy

@ Amy

May I offer a suggestion Amy?   Because she is an adult (I assume) you can’t do much more than pray for her and reach out with unconditional love if she makes contact.  You will always get better results when you don’t question someone’s judgment or tell them what to do – but instead, ask lots of questions, love and validate them and ask permission, before you give advice or tell them what you think.

If she feels that you respect who she is now, she will actually be more open to changing things.  If you disapprove of who she is now and what she does, she will dig in to defend her choices.   You may be able to hire a professional to find her, just remember if you do… unconditional love and validation are the only way to build a relationship of trust – that will create a safe place where she will listen to you.

Hope that helps

Kim

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Here’s one that is always awkward: What do you say to the casual friend that corners you at the grocery store and asks why you didn’t invite her to your holiday party.

Marsha

@Marsha

I would be honest and say… “I couldn’t invite everyone I know, but it sure wasn’t personal.  How have you been though?  Tell me what’s going on in your life?”

The reason this works it that by asking questions about her right now, you are showing her that she is important to you.  This shows that you do really care.  If you spend some time listening to her now, the party will be soon forgotten.

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What do you do when you can’t get off facebook and you have 2 papers due within the next two days.  AHHHHHHH. Help me. I’m addicted.

Carolyn

@Carolyn

Make Facebook your reward for working on the papers.  Make a rule that if you spend 2 hours on the papers, you reward yourself with 20 minutes on Facebook.  (Stick to this new rule no matter what) This way you get both!

Good Luck!

Kim

Coach Kim’s tips for Surviving Christmas!

What is holiday stress made of anyway?

It’s made of fear that I won’t get it all done.  It’s fear about paying for the whole thing.  It’s fear about getting it all done in time and finding the right gifts for each person… it’s fear that the holidays won’t be perfect enough.

The holiday stress is all about fear.

So it’s funny to me, that long ago… on the very first Christmas… moments after baby Jesus was born… an angel appeared to shepherds watching their flocks by night and delivered the first message of Christmas… and that message started with… “Fear not!”

We seem to have forgotten that part.

No matter what your religion or beliefs are… you need to figure out how to celebrate the holidays without fear!

Hence my tips for a more peaceful and happy Christmas…

Tip #1 Decide to experience the holidays with more peace and less fear.

The shortest path to a happy life…is found through conscious choice after all.  You get to choose how you will experience your life but if you don’t consciously choose to trust and love, your subconscious will choose for you… and it will choose negative, dramatic, fearful thoughts.

We teach our clients that the way to live without fear is by choosing trust and love.  Let me show you what that looks like…

Choose to trust that it doesn’t have to be perfect… to be perfect.  Choose to trust that however it turns out is going to be perfect enough.  Take off the pressure… you don’t have to do it all.  Let some things go and then focus on love.

Choose to make this holiday season about love for others… instead of fear for yourself.  Lift people you meet with a kind word or a smile… take the time to ask questions and listen to people because it makes them feel important and valued… take the time to give your love to the people around you… in the end your presence means more than your presents.

Decide that your not doing fear, this year!

Choose trust and love instead

Tip #2 Remember that everyone’s doing the best they can.

So remember that grouchy people are just battling seasonal fear and it can create some pretty bad behavior, but this is where they are and they are dealing with it the best they know how.  So anything they do or say that feels offensive, is really not about you.

They are just worried about being good enough and their bad behavior is actually a cry for love.  So don’t take things personally this year.  Let offenses roll off.  Smile and send them good wishes… even when they’re mean.  Decide to be the source of love in your community and family no matter how other treat you.

Tip #3 Know your limits – say no!

You don’t have to do it all for everyone to be a good person.  Sometimes you have to be loving to yourself and tell people you are too busy to take on anything else.  I set aside time on my calendar to relax and it’s on there in stone, so if taking on one more thing would mean giving up that time… I’m going to say no.

Tip #4 Be Grateful

Take time to count your blessings.  So often Christmas made me painfully aware of what I didn’t have and couldn’t afford.  Instead choose to count the things you do have and remember that your life is the perfect journey for you.

Tip #5 Delegate

Get the kids and husband involved.  Studies show that in most families the women do most of the holiday work… spread the joy around and ask for some help.  There are lots of things they can do (not as well as you would – but well enough.)

Tip #6 Budget and plan ahead

Decide how much you can really afford and stick to it no matter what.  It doesn’t kill kids to have a leaner Christmas.  (They may not realize it now – but in the long run it will serve them.)

Make a plan ahead of time so you aren’t trying to do it all at the last minute.  This will make a huge difference and eliminate a lot of the fear.

Tip #7 Narrow down your list.

You don’t have to buy a gift for EVERYONE – narrow down your list and while you’re at it… knock a few to-do’s off the list.  Choose some things that you could skip this year.  No one will die if they don’t get a Christmas card from you this year… I promise.

Tip #8 Lower your expectations

It doesn’t have to be perfect to be perfect.  Let go of having a Christmas that looks like a Norman Rockwell painting or a house that rivals Martha Stewarts.  A happy calm Christmas will be much more fun.

Tip #9 Take time to relax and enjoy – schedule it!

Actually block off time on your calendar to relax, drink a hot cocoa with the kids, read books, nap or do something fun.  Don’t let anything interfere with these appointments… your sanity and your families happiness is at stake.  Guard this time and you will have the energy to get more done later.

Have a wonderful fear FREE holiday season everyone.

My best advice when someone ticks you off!

This is the most common question I am asked by clients – so I thought we should address it.

Apparently people mistreat us, hurt us or tick us off quite frequently, because someone asks me for advice around confronting these people every single day.

I believe that if we learn how to appropriately and maturely respond to these situations with love and strength, we will be able to tackle most of life’s problems.

1) Recognize it’s usually not about you – Step back and don’t take it so personally

It may feel like an attack, it may sound like an attack… but most of the time… behind the attack is an issue or fear that is all about the person doing the attacking.  (Whatever they are throwing at you – it is their stuff!)

What they are really saying is… “I don’t feel loved” or “I’m scared that I’m not important!”  If you can recognize what is going on in their world, you will be able to handle the issue with wisdom and maturity.

Try really hard to be un-offendable.  Don’t waste your time and energy defending yourself all the time.  You don’t need to.  You are the same you regardless of what other people think, do or say.  They really can’t hurt you.  Most of the time you could choose not to be offended.

Though there are times when it is important to speak your truth and confront someone in order to preserve a good relationship, if this is one of those times… keep reading.

2) See other people as the same as you – Don’t cast good guys and bad guys!

We all have a tendency to see other people as different from us.  Sometimes we see them as the bad guy and cast ourselves as the good guy.  Other times we see them as better than us which lets us enjoy bad guy self pity drama.  Neither of these is accurate and they lead to a lot of unnecessary drama.

It is important that before you address any issue, you step back from it and make sure you are seeing the other person as a flawed, scared, struggling human being who is not all good nor all bad – the same as you.

When you can see them as the same as you, you will see the situation accurately and with more compassion.  People are generally doing the best they can with what they know.  When they behave badly towards you, it’s usually because they have a problem, not because you do.

To handle this issue with maturity and love means being able to see your own flaws too.  If you are struggling with this step, get out a piece of paper; draw a line down the center and put their name on one side and yours on the other.  Then write down, on their side, all the things you are bothered with them for.  Get out all your gripes.  Then go to your side and take each gripe and flip it.   If you had written “They don’t care about my feelings.” – you should now write “I don’t care about their feelings.”   Then go through each statement and ask yourself… “Is this ever still true?”

You are not perfect either.  You sometimes get caught up in your own stuff and miss how your actions affect others.  We all do.  Just make sure that you see them as the same as you before you move forward to address the issue.  This way you will handle it with love.

3) Trust that your value is not on the line.

Being offended is about defending yourself.  The question is… do you really need to?  Is your value on the line?  It may feel like it is at times but in reality, your value, as a totally unique irreplaceable human being, is infinite and absolute.  It is NEVER on the line.  Nothing you do or don’t do and certainly nothing anyone else does will ever change it.  You are safe.

You will be the same you, regardless of how anyone treats you.  Before you address this issue and whether or not this other person values you… make sure you remember that even if they don’t… you are still the same amazing you.  You have nothing to be afraid of.

4) Trust in your perfect journey.

Your life is providing you with perfect experiences every day to learn and grow.  These experiences let you see things about yourself and teach you valuable lessons.

This experience with this person, is one of those perfect experiences.

What do you think it is here to teach you?  What is it showing you about yourself that could help you to become a better you?  It is not really about defending you… it is about teaching you something.  What might it be here to teach you?

If you can figure that out, it will change how you respond.  You may even be grateful for this situation and the other person who is in your life for this perfect reason. You may choose to love this beautiful experience.

Choose peace around this.  However it turns out will be perfect.

If you still feel that a conversation needs to happen, follow the steps below to handle it with love and build a relationship of trust with the other person.

5) Handle this tough conversation with love and trust.

This conversation will be most successful if both parties feel safe, respected and validated.  You can make that happen and it’s easier than you’d think.

I call this “The Trust Formula” and have been using it and teaching it for seven years… and it works every time.

Step 1: Set your opinions, thoughts, feelings, fear and concerns aside upfront.  You are going to start this conversation by respecting and validating the other person first.  Make sure that you are ready to focus on loving and validating them.  Take a moment and mentally set your stuff aside.

Step 2: Ask questions about what they think or feel about the situation.  What are their concerns, fears and opinions about it?  What is going on in their world around this issue?

Then you are going to listen (while staying very open and loving.)  You don’t have to agree with anything they say but you do have to honor and respect their right to feel or think the way they do.  This is what validating others is about.

You must stay at step 2 until this other person feels heard, understood and cared about.  Don’t say anything but…”Tell me more about that.” Or “I totally understand how you could feel this way.”

If you have done this step right, you will feel the other person’s walls come down.  They will not be defensive and they will feel safe with you.  Once you reach this point you can move on to step three.

Step 3:  Ask permission to share your thoughts.  Asking permission should sound something like this… “Would you be open to letting me share some of my feelings on this?” “Would you let me share some of my concerns with you?” “May I share some of my thoughts on this with you?”

This is a VERY powerful way to share your feelings and at the same time make the other person feel respected and honored too.  I recommend never giving advice or telling someone what you think about anything unless you have asked permission first.

(If only every mother-in-law would follow this counsel!)

If you follow these three steps you can handle any conversation with love and strength.  That doesn’t always mean the other person will be happy about what you have to say but it will go as well as possible.  If they choose drama and take offense at this point… that is their stuff and is not your responsibility.  You must allow others to experience their experiences however they choose.  You only have control over you.

Choose to handle yourself with maturity, strength and love – you can do this!

© December 1, 2010 Kimberly Giles

Day 186: I’m never going to be a super model

It’s just time to face the facts…

I’ve had three babies for heaven’s sake.

Yesterday at my daughters graduation from elementary school they had each child share what they wanted to be when they grew up.

I was so curious to hear what my daughter would say when they introduced her… guess what she wanted to be?   … A super model!

Didn’t see that one coming!

All of a sudden, I realized that she has asked me repeatedly recently if she looked fat, which is ridiculous because she is the skinniest girl on the planet.  But anxiety about weight is obviously showing up in her little head.  She is worried about looking good enough already and she is only 11.  I wondered where this could be coming from…  then I realized it was probably from me.

I make comments on occasion about being skinny enough, losing weight or fitting into a certain size of pants in my closet.  I make way too many comments about not looking good enough.

This got me thinking about my moments of insecurity about my body at Lake Powell…

How did I look in a swimsuit?

I admit to some insecurity on the trip about whether I was thin enough or looked good enough.  I also realized that I will probably never feel secure about my body (even though I am actually pretty darn thin) because the standard by which I am measuring myself is so messed up.

In my head, I still think that I should have a 6 pack and a flat tummy.   I need to change how I am thinking about beauty QUICK… and I need to help my daughters do the same.

The standard in my head (and yours) is based on something that we cannot possibly measure up to.  There are actually only two possibilities… my body is either super model “perfect”… or it’s “not good enough” …   there is nothing in between.

Think about it…

Would you ever really be satisfied with how you look… unless you looked perfect?

How much is your insecurity about your “less than perfect” body effecting your self esteem?

Tammy called me from the Mall yesterday because she was swimsuit shopping.  (something most women I know dread like the plague!)

She was having a dilemma over whether to buy a suit that would look good if she lost a few pounds (which might motivate her to exercise) or to buy a suit that fits her now and risk having it not fit if she successfully loses those pounds.

She was also feeling some anxiety about finding one that she really looked good in.  I’m not sure that was possible though because her (and our) standard of “good” is so messed up.

So let me tell you how I calmed my nerves about how I looked in a swimsuit at Lake Powell…

First, I decided that … how I look, isn’t who I am!

I am an amazing, loving woman with a great sense of humor, kindness and a lot of character.  So I decided to focus on being me (with my love and humor) instead of worrying about how I looked.

Who freakin cared what I looked like?

In the end, people are more impressed by who you are, than how you look anyway.  They can forgive some cellulite much easier than they can forgive rudeness, unkindness or even insecurity.

Second, I had to let go of trying to impress anyone all together.

I am here to have fun with my family and friends.  I am not here to win a beauty contest.  What others may think of my body… really doesn’t mean anything…  nor change me in any way.

It’s so irrelevant it’s funny.

What others think of YOU – is none of your business!

In the end I decided to focus on love!

Being the love in the room is much more fun than being the super model in the room anyway.

It’s also a lot more doable!

“I can do that!”

I am never going to be a super model guys…

But I’m going to be a loving, learning, growing, beautiful on the inside, in process of becoming better, amazing human being who loves my friends and family – I hope that’s enough – cause that’s all your gonna get!

“Abby – you are a beautiful person inside and out!  You are model example of being a super amazing person already!!”

The following are statistics that I want my daughters to hear…

There are 3 billion women on the planet who don’t look like super models and only eight who do.

Did you know Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14?

If Barbie was a real woman, she’d have to walk on all FOURS due to her proportions!

The average woman weighs 144 pounds, and is 5′ 4″ inches tall.

The average model weights 117 pounds and is 5′ 11″ inches tall.

Most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women.

One out of every 4 college-aged women has an eating disorder.

The Models in the magazines are AIRBRUSHED!!! – NOT Perfect!!

A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at a Fashion Magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and SHAMEFUL!

Models 20 years ago weighed 8% Less than the average Woman.

Today they weigh 23% less.

80% of American women say they’re dissatisfied with the way they look.

Almost half of American children between 1st and 3rd grade say they wish they were thinner.

Half of our nine year old girls say that being on a diet makes them feel better about themselves.

Click here to see the Dove video Evolution (You gotta see this!)

Click here to see supermodels without makeup

This effects our  relationships too because men are getting an unrealistic idea of what a real woman looks like.  A real woman can never live up to the fantasy perfection that men see in the media.  “Men are barraged with images of extraordinarily beautiful and unobtainable women in the media, making it difficult for them to desire the ordinarily beautiful.”

~ Michael Levine, Why I Hate Beauty

So guys, get over looking for a super model – and find a super girl instead!

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Beauty of a Woman . . . .

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,

The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,

Because that is the doorway to her heart,

The place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,

But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives,  The passion that she shows.

The beauty of a woman… With time, only grows..

Day 178: The Law of the Garbage Truck

(A very wise and especially handsome friend of mine sent this to me… and I thought I should share it with you all)

Law of the Garbage Truck

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.  We were
driving in the right lane when suddenly a car jumped out of a
parking space right in front of us.  My taxi driver slammed on his
brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!  The driver of
the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.  My taxi
driver just smiled and waved at the guy.  And I mean, he was really
friendly.  So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that?  This guy almost ruined
your car and sent us to the hospital!’   This is when my taxi driver
taught me what I now call, ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.  They run around
full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of
disappointment.  As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it
and sometimes they’ll dump it on you.  Don’t take it personally.
Just smile , wave, wish them well, and move on.  Don’t take their garbage
and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take
over their day.  Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,
so… Love the people who treat you right.  Pray for the ones who don’t.
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a blessed, garbage-free day!

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The questions have been pouring in about what’s going on with RC – since his pictures are all over my Facebook wall and he is mentioned so frequently in the blog.

We are dating… but we are taking it very slow and just having fun getting to know each other.   We haven’t had a DTR and are not making wedding plans – I just got divorced for heaven’s sake.  I need time and space to figure out me as a single person and to meet lots of new people.

It has been an interesting experience though that I keep dating men who live in other states. What’s up with that?

Maybe the universe knows that I need time and space… or it is trying to keep me out of trouble.

Either way, it’s working.

I am not going to post the juicy details about my dates with him or anyone else on the blog for a couple reasons.

First, no one would want to date me if they had to worry about the juicy details ending up on the blog!

Second, I am really quite confused by the whole thing and still trying to figure it all out.

I will tell you this… RC is a really good man, (just ask his friends) with an amazing heart and is very thoughtful and sweet to me.  He also very handsome, is a good kisser and we have a dang lot of fun together!  (On the rare occasion we see each other that is.)

I am not rushing into any serious relationship yet though.  I am just enjoying the journey and am not trying to figure out where it is going yet.  He understands where I am and is just great about it. Like I said, he is a great guy!

Hope that is enough to answer my sisters, mothers and friends questions for now!

Day 177: This Life Lesson is a Biggie!

(This post was co-written by Clarity Point Coach Alex D’Albini, who is one of the smartest people I know.)

Can we all agree that we are here (in this life) to learn and grow?

Heck yeah!

That is the purpose of life…  “to experience situations which help us to see ourselves more accurately and then grow and improve ourselves… and to help as many other people as we can along the way.”

I believe one of the biggest lessons that we are here to learn… is how to stop getting offended and staying offended at others.

We are here to learn how to handle ourselves with love and trust when we are mistreated.  We are here to learn forgiveness and compassion – for ourselves and others.

This lesson (in my opinion) is the biggie we are here to learn!

It doesn’t matter to what religion or code of ethics you adhere to… forgiveness, compassion and love are at the heart.   We are, without a doubt, here to learn this lesson!

(And we usually date and then marry our greatest opportunity to learn this!)  LOL

The difficult part is we often see mistreatment when it isn’t really there.  Often, the actions of other people are not even about us – we just think they are.

Example: When my husband would come home from work grouchy and snap and me or speak unkindly.  I would take offense and be hurt or be mad at him, even accusing him of not loving me (nice victim stuff).

None, of which, was accurate.

He had a bad day at work and was grouchy (that’s all) – it had nothing to do with me.

Should he be nice and speak kindly to me anyway?

Sure, but we all fail at that on occasion and there is no way I could throw the first stone because I get grouchy too.  I am exactly the same as him – an imperfect human being.

I could bring it up and speak to him about it, from a place of trust and love.  Bringing stuff up though, while being strong and loving, produces very different behavior than getting offended does.

Though, getting offended when you are justified in feeling that way… often feels really good to your ego.  Sometimes it even feels like a win, where if you let it go…  it might feel like you’re letting the other person win.

Then, you can’t let go of the offense because it feels like that would be letting the other person get away with it and your ego (or your pride) doesn’t want to do that.   So you choose to stay mad.

You would literally rather be right, then happy or peaceful.

Isn’t that crazy?

Sometimes it feels as though forgiveness would be letting someone off the hook.  As if holding on to the offense long enough might cause the universe to exact some kind of revenge on our behalf.

The truth is, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.  The “offense” certainly isn’t being clung to by the “offender”.  The only person that is weighed down and experiencing pain around the offense is the “victim”.

If we take a closer look at what an offense really is, we might be able to see how ridiculous it is to withhold forgiveness (or more importantly, to hold onto pain around it) or even become offended in the first place.

In order to be offended we must perceive that a wrong has been committed against us, and that we must be protected against the threat that the act signifies.

Herein lies the glitch.

If a threat really is imposed, then it makes more sense to stop the threat than to waste time and energy in being offended.  Once the threat is removed there is no need for emotional attachment.

Let me put it this way… the threat with my grouchy husband was that he didn’t love or value me…  and that might mean – that I wasn’t lovable or valuable… that is what I was subconsciously scared of.

But did I really think he didn’t love me or that I wasn’t valuable?

No, I knew he loved me and that I had value.

It’s just that speaking to me that way,implied an insult to my value.

An offense is really an emotional attachment to a defense of an idea or mental image about who we are. Let me say that again- An offense is really an emotional attachment to a defense of an idea or mental image about who we are.

So, I see myself as good, lovable and valuable.  This offense was about needing to defend that.

The thing is, my value needed no defense because it is absolute and unchangeable – my value was never in question.  So there really is nothing to be offended about.  He can’t take anything away from my value or my goodness.  When I realize there is no threat, holding onto an emotional attachment around it seems dumb.

Having said that, I have every right to ask to be spoken to with love and respect but I should do that from a place of love and trust, being strong and loving to him while at the same time asking for what I would like in the relationship.

Though, from this mature place I may have decided to just let the whole thing go and chosen compassion and love for him instead.

Think of it this way… If I am attacked for being a human female, for example, wherein lies the offense, if that is really who I am?  It is in the implication that somehow being a human female is bad, that I create the offense.  Because I have an image of myself as “good”.

So what I am saying is…  Offense is in the eye of the beholder.

You may choose to see things as an offense when you don’t have to.

By itself an action may not have any meaning at all.  But out of fear, we create meaning and choose to be offended.

Forgiveness undoes that which fear creates.

Forgiveness happens the moment you realize that you don’t need to defend who you are and you can see the situation accurately, with compassion for both parties and without emotional attachement.

It provides us the opportunity to see things as they really are, and releases us from the bondage of our ego’s need to win or defend itself.

Another thing that really helps my clients to see situations accurately is to step back from every situation and make sure you can see the other person as the same as you.

Make sure that you can see the fear (both of you) are experiencing.  Can you see the imperfections in both of you?  Can you see how they and you – are just asking for love?

Your ego likes to make other people the bad guys though.  It does this so you can be the good guy.  But in reality you both are good and bad – you are both perfectly imperfect!  You both have good days and bad days.  As soon as you can see them as the same struggling human being you are – compassion and forgiveness become a lot easier.

I wrote this one for me today, it helped me to let go of some things.

I feel better now… I hope it may help you.

Day 170: Getting from Fear to Love – must read!!!

Last night I attended a Karaoke – Movie party in Salt Lake.

I must admit, it was a little awkward at first.  When I walked into the room and looked around, I didn’t see a single person I knew.  This is a really uncomfortable moment!  You stand there feeling like a loser trying to figure out what to do… or who to talk to.

Usually when you walk into a party you are greeted by friends who welcome you there or you walk in and greet the people you know with hugs and “How are you’s?”

In this case everyone was busy talking to someone or working on something and no one even noticed me walk in.  After standing there like a deer in the head lights for a few minutes… I recognized one girl that I had met a couple times before… so I bee-lined it to her and said hi.

Whew.

Jamie was so nice and started introducing me to others.  (Thank you Jamie!)

Eventually the two Justin’s came in and by buddy BC!  (I was so glad to see you guys!)  But an interesting thing happened inside of me at that moment… now that there were people there I knew, my comfort level went up and I felt more confident… so I then started reaching out to people I hadn’t met before and even some who looked as lost as I did.

I wondered why that was.

Here is what I came up with…

When you are experiencing fear… your focus is all on you!  You are worried about looking stupid, not being liked or being rejected.   You are totally insecure.  Insecurity, by nature,  is a very selfish place to be!   It’s all about you!

As soon as I felt more secure (or less afraid) my fear level went down and in this place… LOVE could show up again.  Now that I wasn’t worried about myself, it became really easy to focus on others.  After a couple minutes I was looking for other people who felt awkward who I could reach out to.  Why didn’t I do that in the beginning?

I was too focused on me.

So the moral of the story is… FEAR seriously messes up your life and robs the world of your love.  When you are afraid for yourself – you aren’t capable of loving others.

So I committed to myself the next time this happens to me… I am going to consciously choose LOVE and walk in there ready to see how many people I can make feel comfortable and cared about!  I am going to set my fear aside and choose love.

I am still not going to sing karaoke though.  No way!

And I am not doing this because I am (in fear) afraid of looking stupid either!

I am doing it because I love you guys too much to subject you to my singing!!

LOL

My friend JR and I started talking yesterday about why people are so quick to judge others and this tied into my experience last night.  It comes down to fear about your own value again.

You and I (all of us) have a very deep subconscious fear that we might not be good enough.

This fear drives a great deal of our actions.  It is in play in every interaction you have with other people.  You are always (in every situation) doing one of only two things; you are either giving love or you are asking for love!

Most of the time… you are asking for love.

You do this because you are so scared that you aren’t good enough – that you are only focused on you.  In this place you CANNOT  love others.

You live most of your life desperate for validation that you’re okay first, for something or someone to make you feel loved and valuable!  Your whole life is focused on trying to feel okay about you.

(This is a silly fear of course because your value is never in question at all.  You are and will always be infinitely and absolutely valuable and nothing you do can change it!  Your value was set by God and you do not have to earn it!)

But your subconscious mind doesn’t believe this… and remains scared to death!

Another way we subconsciously try to get validation is by looking for the bad in others.

Think of it this way, the voice of fear in your mind believes that if you can see bad in others, if you can make them “the bad guy” then you must, by default, be the “good guy”.

When you find mistakes, character flaws or badness in another person… there is a subconscious feeling of superiority that shows up.

“Yeah, I am the good guy in this drama!”

That is how it works in every book, TV show, movie or play I have ever seen.  There are always good guys and bad guys!  Life wouldn’t exist without them!  Right?

So your brain has been trained so well in drama and conflict that it now expects, in any situation, to find people who fit these critical roles.  It is always on the lookout for people who’s actions are questionable or who’s behavior is unacceptable in some way… and your brain then locks in on this behavior and screams “bad guy!”

Ha!  See…  now I have proof I’m the “good guy”!

The problem is… in reality we are all exactly the same.

We all have both good and bad in us.

We all have good moments and bad moments.  We all make mistakes and are sometimes selfish or rude.  We all do it!  There are no good guys and bad guys… There is just all of us imperfect, stupid, struggling, scared, trying to do better but screwing up all the time human beings!  There is just all of us imperfect but amazing, gifted and innately good, same as everyone else human beings!

We are all the same.

If we were to see people accurately, we would see them with compassion and forgiveness because we would see that they are the same as us.  They may have different weaknesses than ours but we both have weaknesses!  No one is better than another.

We would see their infinite and absolute value along with our own!  We would realize that we don’t have anything to be afraid of… we are all good enough… and we could just start loving each other.

So that’s Coach Kim’s tip for the day – step back out of fear and just love people!

It makes life a lot more fun!

Day 167: Today I begin a new life… yet again!

I realized today that it takes a little while to figure out what kind of single person you want to be, right after getting divorced.  You had your identity as a married person and all of a sudden that’s not who you are anymore.  So you have to find your groove again.

My friend BG, who is even more recently divorced than I am, said that very thing to me a few weeks ago, “I gotta figure out what kind of single person I want to be.”

And it’s a process…  it takes some time.

I am totally still trying to figure it out… it’s only been 167 days after all!

I’m not sure if I am ready for a relationship yet.  I have wanted to date – But am I ready to get serious with someone or should I give myself more time?  I lean towards the latter today, because I am still seriously confused about what I want in a relationship and if I don’t know what I want, it could be rough for someone else to hit that moving target.

But dating is helping me to figure it out.  The dating process is so interesting – I learn something important from every date I go on and every person I meet.  I am learning so much about myself in this process.  It is interesting how different people make you feel differently about yourself and you can bring out different things in each other.   I am just fascinated by the whole process.

I can’t say that I’m not making mistakes in it, but I can say… that I am sure learning from them.  Sometimes that’s all you can say!

“Hey everybody – I’m a human being in process here – don’t judge me yet – cause I ain’t done growing and learning!”

Could we all give each other room or permission to keep working on ourselves?  We are far from a finished product – we are works in process!

Life is a difficult predicament and we are all doing the best we can with what we know and can see in the moment – considering how flawed and human we are – it’s amazing we get anything right.

Life is seriously a crazy adventure!

When I named the blog that… I had no idea just how crazy it would be.  I hadn’t had even one mishap at that point!  Ah those were the days… blissfully ignorant to what I was getting into.

I had an interesting conversation with an old friend today, who has also been trying to figure it all out.  (I don’t mean that you’re old DB – cause you’re my age and we ain’t old!  We just haven’t talked in a while!)

But I realized again, through that conversation, that I still need to work on being the woman I am meant to be – instead of spending time trying to find the right guy!

Instead of looking for the man of my dreams – I  just need to work on being the woman of his!

So I pulled out the coaching homework I assigned myself a few months ago.  (Which I have not been reading even though I should have been!  My clients have permission to scold me – I deserve it!)

I had written up a beautiful page about who I am and am working to become more fully.  It was a pretty good piece of writing, if I say so myself!  So today I have committed to myself to read this page 3 times a day, just like my Og Mandino scrolls!

(I will probably keep it in the bathroom, since I have some alone time in there a few times a day.  Many of my clients have had success with this system!)

Bottom line – I am going to be better than I have been – I am going to live more worthy of my divine nature!  I am going to live with more love.

My daughter and I have both been blessed recently with an experience around having someone not like us – (can you believe that?)… and basically accuse us of something we didn’t do.  It’s a weird thing, this experience, and even weirder that we are both going through the same thing at the same time!

That can’t be a coincidence – there is something we are supposed to learn here together.

There is nothing we can do about this though, either of us, to fix how these people feel.  They have passed judgment and are not open to seeing that we have good hearts and didn’t do what they think we did.

Her friend is also speaking bad of her, to others at school, which is a very painful experience.  What can we do here?  What are our options?

Really nothing… except strive to live by our values, so that our love for others speaks louder than the words someone may say about us.   And maybe pray that the other person’s heart will be softened.

That’s really all you can do.

You can choose to keep striving to be better, kinder and more loving in the future.  You can keep trying to be your best self.   That’s about it!

So, today’s post is just my feelings and ramblings about stepping it up and figuring things out… but it has helped me to write them… I hope they have some value to you too.

I will leave you with a quote from my favorite author Og Mandino…

Today I begin a new life… (yet again)… and I make a solemn oath to myself that nothing will retard my new life’s growth.  Today my old skin has become as dust.  I will walk tall among men and they will know me not, for today I am a new man, with a new life.

Gotta love Og!

Day 163: Celebrate your mistakes and goof ups!

That is really the theme of this whole blog.

I make mistakes, goof-up, fall off things or otherwise embarrass myself on a fairly regular basis (as you well know) and documenting these experiences has been a very effective way to celebrate my humanness, to celebrate the fact that I don’t have to be perfect to feel good about myself!

I am trying to prove by example… that humiliatingly embarrassing moments can be fun!

With this mindset I can just be the real genuine me – mistakes, flaws and less than perfect features included – and in this place we can relate to each other better – as human beings in the most raw, down to earth way.

Don’t you love being around people with flaws?  I do.

They make me feel so much more comfortable.  I love being around people who are not trying to impress me and who I don’t have to try to impress them either.

One of my all time favorite books is one called “Trusting Yourself”  by M.J. Ryan.  My favorite chapter is one titled, “Fail on Purpose.”  In this chapter she talks about literally relishing in mistakes – being so open to the process of learning, that you allow yourself to actually celebrate when you do things wrong.

This is not to say that you should go out and purposefully do things wrong but that you shouldn’t beat yourself up when you do.

This is important because when you do things wrong – you often learn and grow far more than you would have, had you done them right.  Your mistakes are your very best teachers.

I believe that it’s good for us to have a few mistakes early on in life, because it relieves us of the pressure of trying to maintain a perfect record.  Drop your standards just a little.  Now, you should still be motivated to do your best and work hard – just do it without any fear around failing.  Do it from a place of love for life – not fear that you have to prove yourself good enough.

You are not going to do everything right – get over it.

Accept that you will mess up and you will probably do it all the time.  Accept that these mistakes have no bearing, whatsoever, on your value as a human being.  Your value is infinite and absolute!  Nothing you do can add or take away from it.  You are perfect in your imperfectness.

You are not here on earth, to learn to do things perfectly- you are here to learn and grow!

That is the purpose of your life.  Not perfect performance.

“Errors remind us that we are human, still in the process of becoming.”  Nothing that has a soul is perfect after all, as Rachel Remem writes, “mistakes not only come with the territory, but can actually help us find a wholeness greater than we ever dreamed possible.

The marks life leaves on everything it touches, transforms perfection into wholeness.  Older wiser cultures choose to claim this wholeness in the things they create…”

In Japan, Zen gardeners purposefully leave a fat dandelion in the midst of the exquisite precise patterns of the garden.

(I leave a whole bunch of them in my yard… just to make my neighbors feel better!)

In Iran, even the most skilled rug weavers include an intentional error, “the persian flaw” in the magnificence of every Tabriz carpet.  Without the flaw they would not be considered perfect.

(I love that!)

In puritan America, master quilt makers deliberately leave a drop of blood on every quilt they make.  Even the Native Americans wove a broken bead, the spirit bead, into every beaded masterpiece.

(I also intentionally leave typos and spelling errors all over the blog so that I won’t seem too perfect and you all will feel comfortable with me!)

These intentional mistakes are to remind us all that nothing human is perfect – nor is it supposed to be!

I often ask my clients to think of themselves as a doughnut!

A doughnut is made of sweet sugary goodness with a hole in the middle.  The hole does not take away from the value of the doughnut.  Why?

Because the perfect doughnut has a hole!

A doughnut is perfect with a hole – It is supposed to have both goodness and a missing piece – and these together make it perfect.

You also have goodness… and you have some flaws, less than perfect features and mistakes. But these do not take away from your value – they actually make you a perfectly whole human being.

I hope that in watching me celebrate my mistakes throughout this blog – it will somehow give you permission to celebrate yours.  Feel free to post them here too!

It kinda softens the blow when I do something stupid because my first thought is…  “Yeah! Another great story for the blog!”

I would love to hear your embarrassing human moments.  Leave them as comments to this post and let’s celebrate our humanness together!

Day 155: Hot Buns on Ice

For some reason when I got married three years ago I stopped ice dancing, even though it was something I really loved to do.  I didn’t plan to quit.  I just got busy with life and stopped making “me time” on the ice happen.  All of a sudden I realized it had been almost three years since I’d set foot on an ice rink.

Before my wedding I was skating at least once a week and having lessons twice a month.  Then I got busy with planning the wedding and my sister Holly (who was doing lessons with me) moved away… and I just stopped.

Ever since my ex left – I have been thinking about going again.

I knew that some time on the ice would help heal my soul.  Everyday at the gym, for months, I have been doing exercises specifically to get my core, gluts and quads in shape – so I’d be ready to skate – but week after week went by and I did not go.

Yesterday I was at my desk working, when a client called to cancel her appointment.   I headed to my room thinking I’d throw on some workout clothes and head to the gym.  Then for some reason I thought, “I ought to go skate!  That would be a workout!”  I called the Rec Center to find out when an open skating session was… and it had just started!

I grabbed my skate bag and ran out the door.   Once I got there, it took a minute to remember my system for putting my skates on.  It is more complicated than you’d think.   I have to put on thin socks, rubber ankle protectors, skate covers, then my skates, then fold the skate covers down over the skates.  Then I made sure I had my iphone ready to go (because I can’t skate without music) and then my gloves.

Finally I was ready!

I headed to the ice.  There were about 6 other skaters out there practicing their routines.  I was so excited.

I took a big gliding step out onto the ice… and fell flat on my butt.

I think I screamed too because everyone looked at me!

(You knew this was coming huh!)

I wasn’t embarassed because I fell…

I was embarrassed because I forgot the most basic thing ever…

… to take the blade protectors off!

It’s been a while – that’s my excuse.

I brushed myself off and tried that again.  This time I glided out onto the ice with grace!

It felt a little awkward at first, but a couple times stroking around the rink and practicing cross-overs and it started coming back.  I even remembered how to spin.  Not any great olympic figure skating move – but a simple spin and it was a blast!

I LOVE to spin!  Does that surprise anyone?

My other ice dancing moves started coming back too, but so did the pain in my feet, which I had also forgotten.  I skated about 30 minutes until the pain was so bad – I had to take the skates off and rest my feet.  I did this about four times.  I’d skate until I was in tears with pain and take them off for a while.

While hanging in the lobby resting my footsies – guess who I ran into?

The ice dancing coach!  So I got the chance to talk to him about signing up again.

I just have to do it!   I will just start with one lesson a month – just to give me things to practice.   I’m going to try to remember the first three dances and then start working on passing off the second level. Yeah!

This was a poignant moment for me today.  I realized how important it is that you don’t lose yourself when you’re in a relationship.  You must keep doing the things you love to do.  You must find things that nuture your soul and make time to do them.  This time around I am going to make sure that I take care of me.

I am also going to remember to take the blade covers off – from now on!

Now I must state for the benefit of my frient Rob M. who said that, “Any activity, with a move called a twizzle, doesn’t count as a sport!”  – that ice dancing is an extremely athletic sport and more difficult than you can imagine!

It takes tremendous effort and some serious core and glut muscles!

My ex used to say that all ice skaters had amazing bubble butts, something that he quite liked by the way.  Apparently a really tight bubble butt is an ASSet.  Ha Ha!

I guess it’s true since mine got grabbed at the dance last week.

But don’t even think about it this weekend guys because this ice skater has a date!

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I asked a fellow skater to take my picture yesterday.  (Since I’m now one of those “picture crazy” single people who has to take pictures of everything I do for facebook!)

The comment I got on facebook about the photo cracked me up…

“OK, So the thing that blows my mind is when you try and step over a threshold on a big boat you end up face first on to the deck with all your belongings spred all over like a yard sale and when operating a treadmill at the gym you end up getting launched off the back with your iphone following right behind you and yet you are able to gracfully DANCE on ice!!!!  One of the sliperiest surfaces on the earth!!  Please help me understand how this is possible.  You do look like you know what your doing out there, i’m very impressed”.  😉

Day 154: Don’t forget protection… and safety!

A little known fact….

The first testicular protection guard, or “Cup”, was used in Hockey in 1874…

The first helmet was used in hockey in 1974.

Which means it only took 100 years, for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies…..Quit Laughing.

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Tip from Coach Kim:

If you are running on the treadmill at the gym, swinging your arms as you run, and you accidently catch your iphone headset cord, which pulls your iphone off it’s rest, and causes it to fall onto the treadmill…

Do not stop running and lean down to pick it up!

If you do… (because you are focused on saving your iphone)… you and the iphone will be swept off the treadmill, onto the floor with a humiliating thump!

Just, so you know.

Day 144: Murphy’s Law and How to Survive it

Murphy’s Laws

Murphy’s First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks .

Murphy’s Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think

Murphy’s Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Murphy’s Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.

Murphy’s Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.

Murphy’s Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Murphy’s Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy’s Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

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The trick to survival…  in spite of Murphy’s Law is to trust that whatever goes wrong, went wrong for a perfect reason and the results thereof are in your life, exactly as they are supposed to be – to give you the opportunity to grow, learn and become the person you are meant to be.

This is a deep level of trust in God, the universe and the process of your life.

But we must learn how to get here!

It is not always easy to choose trust at this level but it is the only way to stay mentally and emotionally balanced in such a crazy world where things go wrong so dang often!

This also goes for your mistakes!

If I make some mistakes… (which I do all the time)…  I must believe, that I made them, because I needed the perfect lesson they are teaching me.  I must believe that I brought these results, into my life, exactly as I needed them right now.  It does no good to beat myself up over them – only to embrace the lessons and let them go.

I hate that feeling of guilt that show up though when you’ve made mistakes and I do not believe guilt is a healthy place to live.  It is based in fear – and is all about me. It encourages self-pity and negativity.

So instead of dwelling in guilt about my mistake… I choose trust.

I choose to trust that it was a perfect mistake, at this point in my journey, to help me grow.  It does not effect my value whatsoever because my value is absolute and set by God.  It just means that I am blessed to experience these results because of what they can show me about myself.  It’s another opportunity to learn and I literally cannot learn without making mistakes!

Either can the people around me.  They are going to make mistakes just as often as I do.  (Since we are all the same – struggling imperfect human beings.)  I must also allow them to make their perfect mistakes and give them the room to grow and learn without judgment.

So my challenge for you and for me – is to choose trust at a deeper level when things go to hell this week – as they probably will!

It will produce better results in your life though, if you expect things to go well instead of fearing that they will go wrong.  Living in trust means even if things go wrong, they are going wrong perfectly and therefore are actually right!

In this place, I can live without fear about whatever goes to hell this week – I can just hang on and enjoy the ride!

Day 143: How are you at textual relations?

I’m sure you have heard the reasons that text messaging is corrupting society and communication, and my guess it generally comes from those that don’t text.  Most of us who do text – can’t live without it and will defend it’s benefits, even in light of some disadvantages, to the death.

But when it comes to dating in the year 2010 – texting is part of the game and it is important you know how to do it correctly.  Since most humans are not good at communicating in general, often texting is not done well either.  So I have decided to address it!

I have had a text message that stopped a relationship in it’s tracks – over and done – because of one text.  I have  received some that turned me off more than on.  I have also found that men who understand how to properly have textual relations with women are ahead of the game big time, at least with me and my friends!

So I am going to lay out (in my humble opinion) what works and what doesn’t.

I would love to get lots of comments on this one and will add your insights to this post as they come in.  Some of you are probably more textually active than I am!  Ha ha

So here is what I have discovered so far…

1) It matters how often you text:

In the beginning stages of a relationship it really matters.

You want to let a girl know that you are thinking about her – but not too often.  At this stage you want to be a little hard to get.  But don’t wait so long between messages that she thinks you’ve forgotten all about her. At the same time you don’t want to send too many texts, too often either.  One or two a day or every other day is probably enough… and make them charming, creative or clever.

(I will give you some examples in a minute).  There are also tons of sites on the internet which give suggestions for romantic text messages – just AVOID the trashy dirty ones – I’ll cover this more in a minute.

On occasion it is okay to have a texting conversation with a girl and go back and forth for a little while – enjoying some clever romantic banter – (you are going to want to practice creative romantic banter – you’ll get better at it!)  – but don’t converse by text for too long!  Cut it off after a while and say you have to go – while it’s still good – leave her wanting more.  (That drives us crazy in a good way!)

One of my girl friends started dating a guy who texted her 30 times a day!  It drove her nuts – even 6 or 7 a day is too much for me at first. Let us miss you a bit!   Let us wish for a text message from you… then when you send one, it will be an exciting treat!

Here is a perfect example… I hit it off with a great guy who asked me out on a date for the next Saturday night.  The next day I only got 1 message… and all it said was…

“Is it Saturday yet?”

That was textbook texting!

Charming, cute and romantic – and he left me wanting more!

Later in a relationship texting can have pros and cons.  You can use romantic and even sexy text messages to keep the spark alive or to let her know that she’s in your thoughts during the day.

Texting is important in a good relationship these days – don’t quit texting just because she likes you.  Love note texts are even more important now!  But again, too much of a good thing is not so good – don’t be clingy and feel like you need to be in contact 20 times a day!  This will kill it guys!

You can, again, have some fun texting conversations (sometimes people feel braver by text) so these conversations get really fun. Whether in a full blown relationship or just dating I think many guys – and women too – are more comfortable writing some endearing or flirty things than saying them.  Texting can be very playful and hot, but HAS to be followed up on in person with action!  And the first “I love you” has to be in person, not through a text.

Do not use text messages to ask her out on dates either – show her she’s important enough for a phone call.

Don’t have ALL your conversations by text either, especially the important ones.  Pick up the phone!   There is a BIG problem with texting important conversations –  it’s too easy to misread what someone means in a text because you can’t hear the inflection in someone’s voice.   So things often don’t come across the way you meant them.  Texting can’t replace real conversations!

2) Content is critical:

At the beginning of a relationship flirting by text can be a lot of fun!  But you want to be clever, romantic and fun – not trashy or crude! Nothing kills it for a woman faster than a crude text message, same goes for a drunk one in the middle of the night.  There may be some girls who get off on these types of texts but I and my friends don’t!

I got one from a guy I really liked once, who had been doing everything right up to that point.  He texted me, “Can I ask you a personal question?” I was wary, but I said, “it depends.”  He then texted, “What’s your favorite sexual position?”

Are you kidding me?

This killed it for me right there!  Obviously this dude was looking for a booty call and I’m glad I found that out early on – but I’m still saying DO NOT GET TRASHY OR CRUDE.  It doesn’t score points with most girls!

One mistake men tend to make though, is to think that women think like men. Kind of like when you buy a gift for someone you actually wanted for yourself.  You may like really sex-oriented messages but most women want romantic messages!  Dirty text messages are trashy and frankly disrespectful.

These may be okay when you are in a committed relationship to keep the spark alive but don’t send graphic messages until you’re sure you’re partner is ready.  If you couldn’t say it in person you shouldn’t be texting it!

I do have one friend that sends me some really sexy texts which never offend me because he follows them up with very gentleman like behavior and we both know he’s just joking but it took a while in our friendship to get to that point.  Don’t go here unless your sure your relationship is right for it.

Having said that, I dated one man who was a master at turning me on through text messages.  They were never crude, just really playful! He would text things like…

“Talking on the phone with you was fantastic but I wanna hold you.”

“…Kiss your neck, pull you in close to me… whew oh my!”

Then “…Imagine when we’re touching hand to hand and lips to lips… you get the idea.”

Whew – it’s getting hot in here!

That is how you do sexy on a text message.

They are not graphic or crude – just hot and romantic!

Feel free to copy those – my friend won’t care – he knows how good he is!

But these don’t work if the girl is not that into you – so don’t go here until you know she really is!

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Advice for Men to Master Texting

The following article was not written by me.

It came from http://www.funnyvalentine.info/texting-tips-for-guys-–-become-a-text-message-master/

A word of warning: If the woman you are texting has a couple of guys that she is interested in who are texting her at the same time competition can be fierce. Put your game face on and get your skills sharpened or you will definitely be left behind while your princess rides off into the sunset with some other guy. With the help of this advice though, you should be well on your way to outperforming even the slickest of pickup artists.

Be Witty – It will be necessary for you to be witty and clever in your text messages. Be original and avoid all the lines that most guys use like “hey sexy” or “hey baby” or “hey beautiful”. Most girls have heard all of these a hundred times before. Think outside the box. Be goofy and make her literally laugh out loud. Off the top of my head, something random that might get a laugh would be, “my dog wants to know what you’re wearing…” Relax and have fun. Enjoy the detached nature of text messaging and be yourself.

Of course, once you have built a little rapport and gotten to the “pet name stage” of the relationship it is not only ok but encouraged that you send her regular text messages saying “hey sexy” or “hey beautiful”. Remember, text messaging is easy and quick so there really is no reason not to touch base with her at least once a day since she has come to expect your messages. Failure to do so is one of the biggest that women have concerning a man’s text messaging prowess and shows a lack of attentiveness.

Put Her On The Hook – Text messages that can be answered with a simple yes or no simply will not suffice if you are trying to use text messages to flirt or build a connection. Before you send your text ask yourself if the question can be answered simply yes or no and if so reword your question so she will have to think a little bit more. Chances are that if she has a couple of guys that she is interested in the one that captivates her will be the one that she winds up spending time texting. If you are the one sending text messages that only require a yes or no answer she will probably wind up not answering and will tell you that her battery died, she fell asleep or she left her phone in the car or purse.

An example of a poor text message might be “I had a great time tonight did you?” First, this is very needy but also it can be answered with a simple “yes”. A clever way of rewording this would be “I had such a good time tonight I want to hit replay and do it all over again!”

Follow The Flow – Try to mirror or follow the flow of the conversation when you are texting. If she uses a lot of texting shorthand like “ur” for “you are” you can follow suit. If she uses proper English you should do likewise. Internet shorthand is falling out of style and many intelligent women will judge you by your spelling and grammar if you find that she doesn’t use internet shorthand. Knowing the difference between “there, their and they’re” is a common test.

Frequency – If she stops texting you or seems short in her responses during a conversation it could be that she is busy. Try not to be an annoyance. End the conversation on a positive note and tell her that you think she’s the coolest or that she’s the sweetest and that you have to run and that you’ll talk with her soon. Forcing a text conversation can make you appear needy and a bit stalkerish.

Work on your text messaging skills. In this day and age it is a part of dating and relationships that you simply can’t avoid. Burying your head in the sand and saying that texting isn’t for you simply won’t cut it. Once you get the hang of it you will find that it’s actually a very easy way to communicate with beautiful women while taking away all the things that used to make you nervous about talking on the phone in the beginning. Try using some of these tips and see how easy it really can be.