Day 150: 50 things I’ve learned after 150 days of dating…

Today is another milestone.  It has been 150 days since I started this adventure!

At moments like this…  I like to reflect on the journey and what I have learned.

So today’s post is my own reflections on the adventure and what I am figuring out.

Basically this is what I’ve learned so far:

1. I have no idea what men are thinking.

2. I have no idea how or if, men think at all.

3. For example… If you like a man and he thinks you like him, he probably won’t like you – because you like him.

4. If he doesn’t like you anymore, so you decide you don’t like him either, he’ll change his mind and like you again.

5.  A guy will like you more, if you don’t like him or like him less.

None of this makes sense but it is totally consistent.

6. The dang Rules work.

7. It is seriously difficult to follow The Rules!

8. The more you like a guy, the more difficult it becomes to follow The Rules.

9. If you don’t like a guy, following The Rules is easy.

10. The problem is  this will only make the guy you don’t like,  like you even more.

None of this makes sense but it is totally consistent.

11. The Rules say that you must never never chase a man.  You must let the men chase you.

12. The really good looking guys have girls (who don’t follow The Rules) chasing them all the time though… SO they don’t have to chase girls!

13. This means that if you follow The Rules and wait for a good looking guy to chase you… you may be waiting a LONG time.

Maybe forever!

14. In the end, the good looking guys get tired of the girl who chased them.

15. But there are plenty of other girls chasing them, so they just move on to another one.

16. These guys are having so much fun being chased, they aren’t looking for a Rules girl.

Again… it sucks, but it is totally consistent.

17. Some of the really good looking guys are not nice.

18. They don’t have to be… the (non Rules) girls will chase them whether they are nice or not.

19. There are a lot of nice and good looking guys out there though.

20. But there are at least 5 times as many nice single girls as there are nice single guys.

21. So even if you find one, the competition for his attention will be so fierce that unless you look like Jennifer Aniston you don’t have a chance anyway.

It’s just the reality of the situation.

Another thing I have learned recently is…

21. You should not go to singles activities trying to find someone to date.

22. You should not go to singles dances expecting to meet someone to date.

23. The only reason you should go to anything is hang out with friends.  No one is looking to date you!

24. If you have any expectations of dating any of these people – let them go now.

25. Just have fun hanging with your friends.

26. You may be doing it for a long long long time!

None of this makes sense again but it is totally consistent.

27. Many of the “good Mormon” nice men are very sexually repressed and horny as all get out!

28. Even though they should be the “good” ones, you often have to beat them off with a stick.

29. “Bad boy or non-Mormon” men are not as desperate for physical attention (since they get it more often) and often treat you with more respect.

30. All men pretty much have one thing in mind though.

Again, this is pretty darn consistent.

31. So get used to it and figure out what your rules and boundaries are!

32. Stick to your rules and boundaries.

33. Men will inevitably try to get past your rules and boundaries.

34. But since most of them never date – and you hardly ever date – it’s not that big of a problem.

More lessons I’ve learned…

35. The nicest men live far far away from you.

36. It doesn’t matter where you live – the men in other states will always be nicer to you than the ones in your state.

37. Even if you have a friend in that state, the men there, will be nicer to you, than they are to her.

38. The men in your state don’t want to date you because it would mess up the friendships.

39. The men in other states can’t date you because you live too far away.

40. Basically if you were hoping to date – get over it!

Again – this is just the reality of our situation!

41. Anything you say, can and will be used against you and will probably end up on facebook.

42. The picture happy single people are going to take photos of you 24/7.  They are going to photo you while your eating, while your not looking and when your face is contorted in very unflattering expressions.  These photos are going to end up on facebook too.

43. Anything you do, that could be twisted into meaning something you didn’t mean, will probably end up on facebook.

44. If you are invited to events on facebook and you say you’re attending… others will base their decision to attend on whether you’re cool enough.

45.  Photos from that event, of you looking totally uncool, will be posted on 50 different pages on facebook – so give up trying to impress anyone because you can’t.  If you have an embarrassing moment with single people in the room – it will end up all over facebook!

46. Single people spend way too much time on facebook!

None of this makes sense again but it is totally consistent across the board.

47. There is no better way in the world to make new friends than to be FUN and single.

48. The friends you make being FUN and single – will be some of the best friends on earth!  You will have days you LOVE being single!

49. Then you will have days that being single, will make you want to die.

50. Your amazing FUN single friends will get you through those bad days!

That, in a nut shell, is what I have learned so far.  Tonight we are going out with some new friends and will hopefully have some great stories tomorrow!  Or we will have learned more valuable lessons.

Day 149: Things that Guys Wish Girls Knew

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.  Don’t ask us.  We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat.  If it’s up, put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever.  Long hair is more attractive.

4. Birthdays, Valentines Day and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again.

5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

6. Sometimes we are not thinking about you.  Get over it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, sex and monster trucks.

8. Sunday = sports.  It’s like the full moon or the changing tides.  Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

9. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really!

10. You have enough clothes.

11. You have too many shoes.

12. Crying is blackmail.

13. Your ex is an idiot.

14. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one.  Subtle hints do not work.  Strong hints do not work.  Obvious hints do not work.  Just say it.

15. No, we do not know what day it is.  We never will.  Mark it on the calendar.

16. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult.  We are bound to miss sometimes.

17. Most guys own only three pairs of shoes – what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of 60, would look good with your dress?

18. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That is what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

19. A headache that lasts 5 months is a problem.  See a doctor.

20. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

21. Check your oil.

22. Do not fake it.  We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

23. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

24. No, it does not matter which quiz.

25. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  All comments become null and void after 7 days.

26. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

27. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of they ways makes you angry, we meant the other one.

28. Let us ogle.  We are going to look anyway, it’s genetic.

29. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

30. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both!

31. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

32. Women wearing wonderbras or low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

33. More women should wear wonderbras and low cut blouses.  We like staring at boobs.

34. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

35. All men see in only 16 colors.  Peach is a fruit, not a color.

36. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

37. If it itches, it will be scratched.

38. If it is our house, I do not understand why my stuff gets thrown in the closet or basement.

39. We are not mind readers and we never will be.  Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof that we don’t care about you.

40. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing” we will act like nothing’s wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

41. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her, but do not worry, the fantasy includes you AND her together.

42. What the hell is a doily?

Day 148: The basic differences between men and women:

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis”. When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us”. This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:
Women prefer 30 – 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 – 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Comedy:

Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of “The Three Stooges” comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women’s magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she’s walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the “Gimme the Ball” number in “A Chorus Line”.

Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface–mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.

Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in “Gone With The Wind”. For men, it’s when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark’s face in “Public Enemy”.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction–he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:
Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says “Oh, gee, that must hurt.” The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there”, and, “I know I’m in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store”.

Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room–sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”. Men talk about “the bachelor party”.

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six “D” batteries to operate.

Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches:
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk”, women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

Day 147: Battle of the Sexes (Intro 2)

NEWS BULLETIN – Men and women are NOT alike.

So we are starting a new series where I will have a male guest writer take the men’s perspective and I will write the female perspective. We will be posting articles on a regular basis on many different topics.  If you have suggestions please send them to me.  The first co-written post is in the works now.  Watch for it!   This is gonna get fun!

I will also be posting some funny stuff comparing the sexes.

Here is another one…

DEFINITIONS ACCORDING TO GENDER:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car’s hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a jockstrap.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes “look bigger.”
male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, home run or goal.  Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) v.
female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2-1/2 minutes.

Day 146: The Battle of the Sexes (Intro)

NEWS BULLETIN – Men and women are NOT alike.

So we are starting a new series where I will have a male guest writer take the men’s perspective and I will write the female perspective. We will be posting articles on a regular basis on many different topics.  If you have suggestions please send them to me.  The first co-written post is in the works now.  Watch for it!   This is gonna get fun!

I will also be posting some funny stuff comparing the sexes.

Here is one now…

Two new elements have been discovered.

      Element            : WOMAN
      Symbol             : Wo
      Atomic Weight      : 120 (more or less)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. May freeze anytime. Melts whenever close to a handsome XY.

Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.  Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

---

      Element            : MAN
      Symbol             : XY
      Atomic Weight      : 180+

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.

Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get.  Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Day 144: Murphy’s Law and How to Survive it

Murphy’s Laws

Murphy’s First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks .

Murphy’s Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think

Murphy’s Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Murphy’s Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.

Murphy’s Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.

Murphy’s Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Murphy’s Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy’s Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

———————————————————————————————

The trick to survival…  in spite of Murphy’s Law is to trust that whatever goes wrong, went wrong for a perfect reason and the results thereof are in your life, exactly as they are supposed to be – to give you the opportunity to grow, learn and become the person you are meant to be.

This is a deep level of trust in God, the universe and the process of your life.

But we must learn how to get here!

It is not always easy to choose trust at this level but it is the only way to stay mentally and emotionally balanced in such a crazy world where things go wrong so dang often!

This also goes for your mistakes!

If I make some mistakes… (which I do all the time)…  I must believe, that I made them, because I needed the perfect lesson they are teaching me.  I must believe that I brought these results, into my life, exactly as I needed them right now.  It does no good to beat myself up over them – only to embrace the lessons and let them go.

I hate that feeling of guilt that show up though when you’ve made mistakes and I do not believe guilt is a healthy place to live.  It is based in fear – and is all about me. It encourages self-pity and negativity.

So instead of dwelling in guilt about my mistake… I choose trust.

I choose to trust that it was a perfect mistake, at this point in my journey, to help me grow.  It does not effect my value whatsoever because my value is absolute and set by God.  It just means that I am blessed to experience these results because of what they can show me about myself.  It’s another opportunity to learn and I literally cannot learn without making mistakes!

Either can the people around me.  They are going to make mistakes just as often as I do.  (Since we are all the same – struggling imperfect human beings.)  I must also allow them to make their perfect mistakes and give them the room to grow and learn without judgment.

So my challenge for you and for me – is to choose trust at a deeper level when things go to hell this week – as they probably will!

It will produce better results in your life though, if you expect things to go well instead of fearing that they will go wrong.  Living in trust means even if things go wrong, they are going wrong perfectly and therefore are actually right!

In this place, I can live without fear about whatever goes to hell this week – I can just hang on and enjoy the ride!

Day 143: How are you at textual relations?

I’m sure you have heard the reasons that text messaging is corrupting society and communication, and my guess it generally comes from those that don’t text.  Most of us who do text – can’t live without it and will defend it’s benefits, even in light of some disadvantages, to the death.

But when it comes to dating in the year 2010 – texting is part of the game and it is important you know how to do it correctly.  Since most humans are not good at communicating in general, often texting is not done well either.  So I have decided to address it!

I have had a text message that stopped a relationship in it’s tracks – over and done – because of one text.  I have  received some that turned me off more than on.  I have also found that men who understand how to properly have textual relations with women are ahead of the game big time, at least with me and my friends!

So I am going to lay out (in my humble opinion) what works and what doesn’t.

I would love to get lots of comments on this one and will add your insights to this post as they come in.  Some of you are probably more textually active than I am!  Ha ha

So here is what I have discovered so far…

1) It matters how often you text:

In the beginning stages of a relationship it really matters.

You want to let a girl know that you are thinking about her – but not too often.  At this stage you want to be a little hard to get.  But don’t wait so long between messages that she thinks you’ve forgotten all about her. At the same time you don’t want to send too many texts, too often either.  One or two a day or every other day is probably enough… and make them charming, creative or clever.

(I will give you some examples in a minute).  There are also tons of sites on the internet which give suggestions for romantic text messages – just AVOID the trashy dirty ones – I’ll cover this more in a minute.

On occasion it is okay to have a texting conversation with a girl and go back and forth for a little while – enjoying some clever romantic banter – (you are going to want to practice creative romantic banter – you’ll get better at it!)  – but don’t converse by text for too long!  Cut it off after a while and say you have to go – while it’s still good – leave her wanting more.  (That drives us crazy in a good way!)

One of my girl friends started dating a guy who texted her 30 times a day!  It drove her nuts – even 6 or 7 a day is too much for me at first. Let us miss you a bit!   Let us wish for a text message from you… then when you send one, it will be an exciting treat!

Here is a perfect example… I hit it off with a great guy who asked me out on a date for the next Saturday night.  The next day I only got 1 message… and all it said was…

“Is it Saturday yet?”

That was textbook texting!

Charming, cute and romantic – and he left me wanting more!

Later in a relationship texting can have pros and cons.  You can use romantic and even sexy text messages to keep the spark alive or to let her know that she’s in your thoughts during the day.

Texting is important in a good relationship these days – don’t quit texting just because she likes you.  Love note texts are even more important now!  But again, too much of a good thing is not so good – don’t be clingy and feel like you need to be in contact 20 times a day!  This will kill it guys!

You can, again, have some fun texting conversations (sometimes people feel braver by text) so these conversations get really fun. Whether in a full blown relationship or just dating I think many guys – and women too – are more comfortable writing some endearing or flirty things than saying them.  Texting can be very playful and hot, but HAS to be followed up on in person with action!  And the first “I love you” has to be in person, not through a text.

Do not use text messages to ask her out on dates either – show her she’s important enough for a phone call.

Don’t have ALL your conversations by text either, especially the important ones.  Pick up the phone!   There is a BIG problem with texting important conversations –  it’s too easy to misread what someone means in a text because you can’t hear the inflection in someone’s voice.   So things often don’t come across the way you meant them.  Texting can’t replace real conversations!

2) Content is critical:

At the beginning of a relationship flirting by text can be a lot of fun!  But you want to be clever, romantic and fun – not trashy or crude! Nothing kills it for a woman faster than a crude text message, same goes for a drunk one in the middle of the night.  There may be some girls who get off on these types of texts but I and my friends don’t!

I got one from a guy I really liked once, who had been doing everything right up to that point.  He texted me, “Can I ask you a personal question?” I was wary, but I said, “it depends.”  He then texted, “What’s your favorite sexual position?”

Are you kidding me?

This killed it for me right there!  Obviously this dude was looking for a booty call and I’m glad I found that out early on – but I’m still saying DO NOT GET TRASHY OR CRUDE.  It doesn’t score points with most girls!

One mistake men tend to make though, is to think that women think like men. Kind of like when you buy a gift for someone you actually wanted for yourself.  You may like really sex-oriented messages but most women want romantic messages!  Dirty text messages are trashy and frankly disrespectful.

These may be okay when you are in a committed relationship to keep the spark alive but don’t send graphic messages until you’re sure you’re partner is ready.  If you couldn’t say it in person you shouldn’t be texting it!

I do have one friend that sends me some really sexy texts which never offend me because he follows them up with very gentleman like behavior and we both know he’s just joking but it took a while in our friendship to get to that point.  Don’t go here unless your sure your relationship is right for it.

Having said that, I dated one man who was a master at turning me on through text messages.  They were never crude, just really playful! He would text things like…

“Talking on the phone with you was fantastic but I wanna hold you.”

“…Kiss your neck, pull you in close to me… whew oh my!”

Then “…Imagine when we’re touching hand to hand and lips to lips… you get the idea.”

Whew – it’s getting hot in here!

That is how you do sexy on a text message.

They are not graphic or crude – just hot and romantic!

Feel free to copy those – my friend won’t care – he knows how good he is!

But these don’t work if the girl is not that into you – so don’t go here until you know she really is!

—————————————————————————

Advice for Men to Master Texting

The following article was not written by me.

It came from http://www.funnyvalentine.info/texting-tips-for-guys-–-become-a-text-message-master/

A word of warning: If the woman you are texting has a couple of guys that she is interested in who are texting her at the same time competition can be fierce. Put your game face on and get your skills sharpened or you will definitely be left behind while your princess rides off into the sunset with some other guy. With the help of this advice though, you should be well on your way to outperforming even the slickest of pickup artists.

Be Witty – It will be necessary for you to be witty and clever in your text messages. Be original and avoid all the lines that most guys use like “hey sexy” or “hey baby” or “hey beautiful”. Most girls have heard all of these a hundred times before. Think outside the box. Be goofy and make her literally laugh out loud. Off the top of my head, something random that might get a laugh would be, “my dog wants to know what you’re wearing…” Relax and have fun. Enjoy the detached nature of text messaging and be yourself.

Of course, once you have built a little rapport and gotten to the “pet name stage” of the relationship it is not only ok but encouraged that you send her regular text messages saying “hey sexy” or “hey beautiful”. Remember, text messaging is easy and quick so there really is no reason not to touch base with her at least once a day since she has come to expect your messages. Failure to do so is one of the biggest that women have concerning a man’s text messaging prowess and shows a lack of attentiveness.

Put Her On The Hook – Text messages that can be answered with a simple yes or no simply will not suffice if you are trying to use text messages to flirt or build a connection. Before you send your text ask yourself if the question can be answered simply yes or no and if so reword your question so she will have to think a little bit more. Chances are that if she has a couple of guys that she is interested in the one that captivates her will be the one that she winds up spending time texting. If you are the one sending text messages that only require a yes or no answer she will probably wind up not answering and will tell you that her battery died, she fell asleep or she left her phone in the car or purse.

An example of a poor text message might be “I had a great time tonight did you?” First, this is very needy but also it can be answered with a simple “yes”. A clever way of rewording this would be “I had such a good time tonight I want to hit replay and do it all over again!”

Follow The Flow – Try to mirror or follow the flow of the conversation when you are texting. If she uses a lot of texting shorthand like “ur” for “you are” you can follow suit. If she uses proper English you should do likewise. Internet shorthand is falling out of style and many intelligent women will judge you by your spelling and grammar if you find that she doesn’t use internet shorthand. Knowing the difference between “there, their and they’re” is a common test.

Frequency – If she stops texting you or seems short in her responses during a conversation it could be that she is busy. Try not to be an annoyance. End the conversation on a positive note and tell her that you think she’s the coolest or that she’s the sweetest and that you have to run and that you’ll talk with her soon. Forcing a text conversation can make you appear needy and a bit stalkerish.

Work on your text messaging skills. In this day and age it is a part of dating and relationships that you simply can’t avoid. Burying your head in the sand and saying that texting isn’t for you simply won’t cut it. Once you get the hang of it you will find that it’s actually a very easy way to communicate with beautiful women while taking away all the things that used to make you nervous about talking on the phone in the beginning. Try using some of these tips and see how easy it really can be.

Day 142: Funny advice on life… from the life coach!

Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.

In the game of life, it’s a good idea to have a few early losses, this relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.

You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.

If you don’t like the news, go out and make your own.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

War doesn’t determine who’s right. War only determines who’s left.

Friends don’t let friends drive naked.

Always remember, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Always remember you’re unique…  Just like everyone else.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.

Day 141: Funny things to do in a store to be spontaneous!

This list is here because of Laney and my decision to be more spontaneous and have more fun.

Then I spent a week with Lamar and Heath who are the masters at it and I decided to DARE all of you to break out of your comfort zone and do something crazy and fun this week.  Anyone up for it?

I did not write this list of ideas – but it is freakin funny so I had to share it with you.

————————————————————————————-

1.  Take boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking.

2 . Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.  Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official sounding voice, “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right way.”

5. Go to the Service Desk and try to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. Move a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you will invite them in if they will bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can  help you begin crying and screaming, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Carelessly handle guns in the hunting department, and ask the clerk where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ” Mission Impossible” theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna look” using different sizes of funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume a fetal position and scream “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

And last, but not least ..

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, then yell very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Day 140: AZ Singles Conference was a wild weekend!

My trip started with trouble (and a lot of laughter) in Las Vegas and then a crazy ride to AZ with Chris and Kim H.

When we got there we made a stop at Chris’s sisters house and played a few rounds of  “Just Dance” on their Wii – love that game!  Got schooled by two little boys but Chris and I did okay for two goofy adults.

Then we met up with the AZ gang for dinner at CPK!   (not KFC, I got it straight now!)

On our way to the next stop Tam and I did a hilarious chinese fire drill – Tam you shouldn’t have gone for that last run around the car though – someone could have been killed.

After that we went to the LDS Conference Carnival.  Our first impression was that it was about as rockin as a 5 year olds birthday party. They seriously had games like throw the coin at the alphabet letter in the baby pool and pin a CTR sign on the single person (yes I’m serious) – we passed on those and decided to try the baseball throw.

They had one of those cameras set up which can measure your ball’s speed along with a big blow up contraption with a catcher at the back to throw to.  Tammy threw first, and got up to 33 mph.  Then it was my turn.  I missed the 8×8 opening completely…

The ball bounced off the blow up wall of the thing and ricocheted into the crowd of mostly elderly singles – almost taking a few out.  After I stopped laughing my head off I decided to try it again – that was a fluke right?

No, I did the same thing again!

Apparently I couldn’t hit the side of a barn if it was right in front of me…

and my speedy throw didn’t even register on the radar camera.  What does that mean?

Back to the gym for this girl.

(DB you only taught me how to throw a football – I guess I need more lessons.)

After that disaster we tried tic tac toe with baby sock bean bags – that was so exciting we almost fell asleep standing up.

So we decided to go for a game of pool – Tammy and I always have fun playing pool!

We recruited RC to be on my team.  You need to know that RC and  Tammy have actual skills at pool.  I on the other hand do not – I am probably the worst pool player on the face of the planet.  But… I always win!

It’s spooky.  Just ask Tam.

I miss the easy shot that is lined up straight on – the ones no one would miss – but then the ball ricochets (I’ve used that word a lot today) and accidently knocks in three other balls.  This kind of thing happens to me all the time.

So in spite of scratching on almost every shot RC and I took – ( I think playing with me actually made him worse at pool) and in spite of Chris’s advice assisting Tam – we beat them two games in a row.

It never fails.

After the BIG fun at the carnival we were all excited to get to the after party at Dana’s house with Elliot as the DJ.  (We love you Elliot!!)

The place was rocking and we met tons of new people.  RC kept cracking jokes about the 5 minute closet – hadn’t heard of that before.   The girls learned things about clearing sinuses with a netty pot that they will never forget.  We hung out with my buddy Gara too.  Later that night Tam got scared to death when she walked in on someone making out in the 5 minute laundry room – Don’t worry I’m not naming names – lets just say it was the funniest thing ever (from what I hear – ha ha.)

The next day we decided to take a picture of us together.  So Tammy asked a nice drunk guy dressed in leathers and a beard to take our photo.  There was an old lady there you could have asked Tam – why did you go straight for the drunk guy?

Well the rest of his motorcycle gang didn’t want to be left out so they decided to be our buds!  You can see the picture of us with our new friends at the top of the blog!  They were really nice people – they even invited us to spend the evening with them… but we declined.

Go figure.

That night RC and I got caught trespassing in the desert – his bishop gave us the evil eye all through church and Tammy missed her plane home.  It was crazy!  Can’t wait to visit AZ again!

All in all it was a blast –

Can you tell we have fun everywhere we go?

This single girl is hitting her stride – is in the zone  – and this whole experience is getting seriously fun!

I am also learning so much about myself, life and other people.  It is amazing what you learn by breaking out of the box and experiencing life from a different angle.  I never knew there were so many amazing people to meet and friends to make.   I never would have done any of this if my journey hadn’t changed course so unexpectedly.

I did not want to be single again!

But this experience is a blessing in my life.   I am grateful to have had this opportunity to see the human experience from this viewpoint.

I love how these singles groups become a family to each other.  It was so amazing in AZ to get to attend Amy’s birthday party and see how this group takes care of and looks out for each other.  You guys are awesome people – and I’m truly blessed to know you…

…even you, Lamar and Heath!

I wasn’t totally corrupted because I hung out with you – only a little!

Okay I may need to visit with my bishop now – but it was freakin fun!

Day 139: Never party till 3am 9 days in a row!

Report on the April 2010 Cabo Cruise

The biggest thing I learned in the past week  is that my body can’t handle 9 straight nights of partying til early hours of morning in a row!  I feel like the truck that hit me – backed up and ran over me again.

I also learned to watch my step – since the first thing I did on my trip – was trip and fall flat on my face, with my stuff going everywhere and me feeling like an idiot.  That’s why the dang cruise ship has “watch your step” signs all over.  I recommend heeding them.

First thing – I boarded the ship with my friends Elliot, Lamar, Heath and Kristen.  Then we decided to walk around and check out the boat.  The first thing the guys noticed was all the rules – after which they decided to see how many they could break before the ship even left port.  If a sign said “Don’t climb on this” – they climbed on it.  If a sign said “Do not hang on this” – they hung on it.  “Don’t lean on the glass” – then leaned on it.  I was laughing my head off.

(There are pictures of this on FB)

Later they entertained us with other games like “What else can we throw overboard – even though it’s illegal” and “How many human beings can we fit in a hot tub”!

In case you’re wondering – it’s nineteen – (though I think we could have done 21 if we could’ve found a few more willing participants.)  I got to know a few of you guys really well during that game!  When we all got out, there was only 1 foot of water left – we had overflowed the rest out.

What’s up with people who don’t want to get that cozy with a bunch of strangers?

I also played a great game of volleyball with my new AZ friends – at least it was fun until I was almost knocked unconscious when Lamar hit a line drive into my face.  I can’t say why I didn’t just duck – I guess my reflexes were a little slow at that point.

I shared a cabin with Emma, Tamara and Cassie (19-20 yrs old and from England).  I love you girls and had so much fun hanging with you.  It was real cozy in our cabin, with four of us in a room the size  of a closet!  Thanks for having my back girls!

I thought that these youngsters would be sneaking in at all hours of the night carrying on with the boys on the ship – but they were in bed by 9pm every night and this old mum was the one carrying on and sneaking in at 3am!  It was so crazy!

We ate dinner every night with Shelem, Jen, Dave Medsker and Chris Baugh.  We laughed our heads off watching DM throw food a the other table and loved ordering as many entree’s desserts and appetizers as we wanted for FREE – such awesome food!  We also had fun celebrating Chris’s forty first and a half birthday with him!  The had the whole room sing to him since it’s such a milestone birthday Ha Ha.

Every night we partied til at least 2 or 3am – we danced ourselves silly at the disco or up on deck, sang karaoke, played stupid card games, listened to our voices echo under the arch lamps in the lobby, went to shows like the R rated hypnotist which was the funniest thing I ever saw in my life.

He literally got about 12 of our friends to do things that I can’t really write about on this blog since my children and my mom read it.  But Kristen, I still say that you would never have rubbed your face in that guys arm pit had you been awake!

The night we danced up on the deck was my favorite (except maybe that one slow dance in the Romeo and Juliet Lounge) – I never wanted to stop – I danced until everyone had gone to bed except me, Adam and a few teen-age break dancers.  It felt so good to dance with the wind in your hair and the ocean all around you!  I highly recommend this experience!

On our first day in Cabo I went Scuba diving with Alan, Mark, Brooke, Melissa and Leta from Las Vegas.  It was a blast!  Do you know how much fun it is to turn summersaults at 80 feet under water?   No, I didn’t have nitrogen narcosis!  I just LOVE to dive and LOVE the ocean!

Though I was very grateful that sexy Ivan, the dive master, put my equipment together – cause I had totally forgotten how.  Left on my own I would’ve drown for sure.  Mucho Gracias Senor Guapo!

The second day in Cabo I went on a catamaran snorkle cruise – but there wasn’t anyone I knew on that tour – so I made friends with the handsome mexican hombre’s driving the boat and had FUN anyway.   I actually do speak spanish pretty well – they even let me drive the boat!  You’ll have to see the pictures on facebook – I look really happy!

I almost knocked myself unconscious again though when I was climbing out of the head – I smacked my head into the roof of the stairway really hard – I almost went down this time.  Had to lie down on the nets and recover for a while – I’m accident prone enough on dry land, this was seriously dangerous on the tipsy boat.

On the way back to the cruise ship, our boat was only 30 feet away from a mother humpback whale and her calf – for 30 minutes – it was amazing!  A once in a lifetime experience!  Again check out photos on FB!

I loved being in Mexico again though and talking to the people I met as I walked back through town.  One hombre told me that I was a rare kind woman – a lady who was both beautiful and kind – Wasn’t that nice!   I think he was trying to sell me something though.

Everyone was so nice to me there.  I made friends everywhere I went – Ha Ha.

I made so many new friends on this trip!  That was the best part.  I couldn’t begin to name them all, but it is wonderful to think about all the amazing people that I have met and the lasting friendships I have formed, over the last 139 days.

I now have friends all over the place who mean the world to me.   I especially want to thank Elliot, Alan, Mark, Adam, Jim, Piper, Hector, Kammi, Julie, Norma, Lamar, Heath, Kristen, Jill, Al, Melissa, Brooke, Dave, Chris, Emma, Tamara, Cassie, Shelem, Jen, Gara and of course Randy for making this trip sooo fun!

I may think of some other stories to tell you when I am more recovered.

Right now – I can’t think straight I am so dang tired – this is all I got!

Day 129: Do you know someone who’s a few fries short of a happy meal?

40 TERMS YOU CAN USE FOR STUPID PEOPLE:

A few clowns short of a circus.

Dumber than a box of hair.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn’t have all her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney’s clogged.

Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay her brain bill.

Her sewing machine’s out of thread.

His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.

If she had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky’s kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody’s home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

————————————————————

This will probably be my last post for more than a week – but I’m gonna have a lot of stories to share with you when I return!  I am the Life Coach/Speaker on a Single’s Cruise to Cabo… just imagine all the crazy funny stories this adventure will produce.

Day 128: Things women will never understand about men

This article comes from a guy’s perspective…

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Which is why they’ll never understand…

1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.
2. Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use huge corkscrews drill bits that resemble offshore drilling equipment.
3. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like “professional” or “industrial strength,” because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with “operating room quality air.” I kept him away from my surgical steel steak knives.
4. Why we are so bad at shopping.We’ve never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males — which is why if you send a man out to get eggs, sugar and bread, you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of beer, a pair of jeans and a tree.
5. The reason why we don’t like to discuss The Relationship.  Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like “Are you really happy?” and “Where do you see us going?” A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about… “The Relationship.”
6. Why we think we can fix things.  Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we’re only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it’s a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we’re mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.
7. Men and video games.  Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair — when it’s more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.
   

Day 127: Easter Bunny Mishap and Vegas Girls Trip!

A few days before Easter I was busy working… when I had a text message from Tammy pop up on my phone.  I glanced at it just long enough to see a cartoon bunny saying Happy Easter – and closed it.  I didn’t really see what it was, though I thought that was weird for Tam to send me that type of thing.

A few hours later Tammy called me in a panic. “Did you get a Easter text from me with a perverted rabbit on it?”

“I did see an easter bunny text from you but I didn’t really look at it!  What do you mean a perverted rabbit?”

She told me that someone had sent it to her and she had gone to delete it – but accidently forwarded it to everyone in her phone instead!  (I don’t know how one makes this kind of error but apparently it is easier than you would think.)

She was freaking out!

I told her to hang up, let me look at it and I would call her back.

When I actually watched the thing… I realized why she was so embarrassed.  This Easter bunny was an animation which wishes you a happy easter… then promptly rips it’s pants off so it’s bouncing balls – (colored like easter eggs of course) can fly free!

I obviously hadn’t watched it long enough.

She was mortified!

She sent it to everyone – to her clients, family members and friends!  People were going to think she was crazy!

If you were one of the lucky recipients please know that it was a mistake – she asked me to set the record straight on this goof up!

She did not mean to send this to anyone!

————————————————————————–

Easter fell over Spring Break for my kids – so the girls and I decided to head south and try to find some warm weather.  We drove to Las Vegas and St. George.

Our theme song for the road trip (thanks to CP) was… “Here comes the Sun” (the Beatles version not the lullaby. Ha Ha Laney!)

Laney and Abby loved the Las Vegas strip and all the action.  We rode to the top of the Eiffel Tower, we saw the underside of a male lion at the MGM,  New York New York, the Venetian Canal Shops and the Mirage yogurt shop, where I nearly killed someone because they didn’t have chocolate!

I woke them up, their first morning, blasting “That’s what you get, for waking up in Vegas!” This was our theme song for our second day there.

The highlight of my second day in Vegas was a slightly scary motorcycle ride!  It got off to a bad start because I put the helmut on backwards though!  (Seriously, that was embarrassing when I was trying to look like a cool biker chick!)

I was so grateful to my friends CP and DM who let us stay at their house in Vegas and got us tickets to Legends and helped us sneak into the Flamingo Pool.  (We seriously almost got busted – the girls were freaking out!  But in the end, thanks to a really stupid lady, we got in and spent a wonderful morning laying in the sun by the waterfall pool!)  It was luxurious!

The girls loved the Legends show with an amazing Michael Jackson!   We saw the show, the Bellagio’s Conservatory, the worlds largest chocolate fountain and the fountains out front with Kuuipo – (the girls adore you babe!)

We had a blast on Easter my girls loved learning to play Rugby and I can almost throw a football the right way now!  (Almost)

Laney also entertained every car we pasted all day long, blasting the theme song for this day “I’m On my Own”  and dancing like a crazy person.  That guy in the white van thought you were the funniest thing ever kiddo!

Our Vegas vacation ended with the best breakfast – and the biggest breakfast we have ever had – thanks to DM.  We loved pancakes with Snicker Bar in them!  (That kinda made up for no chocolate the day before!)  The girls also dared each other to drink those little cups of coffee creamer (like it was whiskey shots) and decided in the end that they don’t taste very good by themselves.

After that we headed to Saint George to celebrate Laney’s 15th Birthday with her Great-grandparents.  They took us out to a nice dinner… though my crazy girls got so hungry waiting for the food to come that they started eating packets of Splenda raw!

I honestly don’t know where they get this.

Then at one point, the girls left us to find the restrooms.  Laney thought she’d play a joke on Abby – so she ran into the restroom first and held the door shut so Abby couldn’t get in.  This would have been funny… but Abby never tried to get in.

It was about then Laney realized she had run into the Men’s room instead of the Ladies!

That’s my girl!

All I can say… is that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree huh!

Day 121: Because I’m a man…

Because I am a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger for hours – long after hypothermia has set in.  Calling the AAA is not an option.   I will win.

Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at.  If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.”  We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.  You’re a woman.  You never get as sick as I do, so for you this is no problem.

Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchas basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic things like “cumin” or “tofu”.  For all I know these are the same thing.

Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss the whole program looking for it… though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about.  The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex.  I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t ask.

Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother or have your mother come to visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.  Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay; I don’t need to see it.   And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother too.

Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the film.  Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it…I didn’t… and if you are feeling amorous afterwards… then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to other men.

Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine.  I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine too.  Either pair of shoes is fine.  With belt or without it, looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now?

Because I’m a man, and this is after all the year 2010, I will share in the housework.  You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming and the dishes and I’ll do the rest.

This has been a public service message for woman to better understand men.

Day 121: Understanding Men (Yeah like we could!)

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One…  He just holds it up there…  and waits for the world to revolve around him.

When men say…

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: It means absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”

(That was my favorite one – I laughed my head off- it’s you trouble!)

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”