…and why do women have to go in pairs?
I realize that this is one of the great mysteries of life, so I thought I’d let you in on the secrets.
It is usually because we have an urgent need for some girl talk… even more than we need to pee. The peeing is often not even a factor. There is just a seriously urgent need to answer these types of questions: (and the restroom is usually the best place to do this.)
“Was he checking you out or what?!
So are you guys going home together, or what’s the deal here?”
“I hate this guy, lets think of a way to get out of here!”.
Sorry to blow the cover ladies. We just want to talk about things we don’t necessarily want the men or anyone else to hear. It gives us a chance to say things we can’t say in the group. It also gives us a little girl bonding time.
I often use this opportunity to get to know one of the women that I just met in the group. We can connect much better here (over some girl talk) than we can out in the confusion of the event.
Tammy and I have had some hilarious trips to the restrooms. One of the funniest was on a night when we went to dinner with a big group of people we didn’t know well. One guy showed up with a group of friends both men and women – then proceeded to be the biggest ass ever.
He was crude, rude and so arrogant it was unbelievable. I was sitting next to him and he was also touching me way too much, it was freaking me out. (I hate space invaders!) So I told Tammy that I needed to go to the bathroom and insisted she go with me.
As you can imagine, the minute we were out of earshot, we starting ripping on the guy and what a jerk he was. This conversation was still in full swing when we entered the bathroom, then to our surprise… out of another stall comes one of the jerks girl friends.
We were totally busted dissin on him!
She asked who we were talking about and thinking quick, I told her we were talking about our guy friend at the other end of the table. (Who is really the nicest guy on the planet) Sorry BD, we threw you under the bus to save ourselves.
Once the girl left, we laughed our heads off over it! Poor DB we made you out to be the worst guy ever – and you were totally innocent. Then we made plans to ditch these people as soon as possible.
These kinds of plans are often made in the restroom.
It is more of a strategy session and fixing of wardrobe or make-up place… than a bathroom for us.
We also use this time to decide who likes who and who’s gonna go for who. Sometimes the guy I liked is obviously interested in Tam – so this is the time and place to say… “Tam, he is more into you than me – so you should go for it!”
It is also the place I go to fix wardrobe malfunctions or to check for lipstick on my teeth – both which happen quite frequently (at least to me.)
————————————————————————————
What guys do in the men’s bathroom:
1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom.
2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room
3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a ‘safe looking’ male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.
7) Wash hands.
8) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn’t forget anything.
10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, “Wow, what took you so long.”
——————————————————————————–
What women do in the ladies bathroom:
1) Try to beat all other women into the restroom because there is always a line and if you let a few in front of you, you could have another 15 minute wait.
The lines at women’s restrooms are longer because it simply takes longer on average for a woman to use a restroom. There’s no big secret to this.
If men didn’t have urinals and actually washed their hands, they’d take just as long.
2) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it’s always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.
3) If you were talking to someone when you entered the restroom – keep talking even when you’re both sitting on your porcelain thrones, especially if it’s a friend or sibling or someone you know well.
4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.
5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.
6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!
7) Start to take off all 27 layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.
8) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!
9) If the automatic flushing system misfires (as it often does) as flushes your paper away because you took to long… go back to step 4 and start again.
10) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can’t move, or you’ll get germs!
11) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from the seat!
12) If you discover that you don’t have toilet paper ask someone in the next stall to hand you some.
13) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!
14) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.
15) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.
16) Flush. Or let the automatic flusher do the work, and feel it spray water from how powerfully it flushes, which is totally disgusting! Take a second and be disgusted.
17) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.
18) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.
19) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.
20) Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!
21) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.
22) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING!
23)Make your move to counter/mirror section. Spread out contents of purse on counter.
24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.
25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!
26) On the way out of the bathroom, try to figure out how to get out with re-touching the door handle.
27) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast … You were really quick this time!
You knew he would get out there before you because he doesn’t have to pull down his pants all the way to go, nor does he wash his hands appropriately.
So now you know what happens!
May your life be like a roll of toilet paper – long and useful!
Click here to read a hilarious story about why you shouldn’t use a cell phone in the bathroom. This guy is a great writer even though the story is disgusting.
My Adventures in Love and Life 