What Tragedy teaches us about Love

When you see a story of tragedy and loss on the news, it can touch your heart in a profound way. When you know the people involved, the tragedy and the pain become personal.

These experiences of loss, even if you weren’t close to those who died, change your world.  Your world is a different place without that person in it and there is always pain associated with that reality.

Along with the pain, during these times of grieving, you will also experience tender feelings of love, both towards the people who are gone and towards the people around you.

Your feelings of love for family and friends will be more poignant and heartfelt than the love you usually feel.  You may feel prompted to express these feelings more freely.

This heightened sense of love, which follows experiences of tragedy, is an amazing and beautiful thing and it can often change how you feel about many of the people in your life.

Many people find that forgiveness is easier while they are experiencing the unique love associated with losing a loved one. Things that mattered before may not seem to matter any more. People may seem more important than issues and it may seem easier to see the good, than the bad in the people around you.

Tragedy brings with it deep feelings of love for all the people in your life.

Think back to the months following 9/11. Do you remember how connected you felt to your fellow Americans? Do you remember how suddenly our differences seemed smaller and the things we had in common seemed bigger?

Think about the sense of connection you felt toward the miners in Chile or the people of Japan after the earthquake and tsunami. We all experienced a deeper love for our fellow human beings during these events.

When tragedy strikes – you experience more love for your fellow human beings. You are reminded of the connection we share and the value of your relationships in  general.

When someone you know dies, even if it is just an acquaintance or someone you met only a few times… it is still a deeply personal loss and the feelings of love are very real.

You may experience feelings of love towards this person you didn’t realize you had. You may be puzzled at the depth to which the loss is affecting you. You may be curious as to what this poignant emotion is all about.

It is about the expression of the love inside of you.

The raw emotion you feel while grieving, is an expression of your love for all the people in your life.

Pay attention to this feeling – it is amazing and beautiful. Remember that the pain of loss, is tied to the wonder of love. If you didn’t love so deeply, it wouldn’t hurt this much.

Celebrate the love.

Celebrate the fact that you can experience love in this way.

Funerals can be a wonderful experience because we gather in sadness, but also in love, for the deceased and each other. The power of our combined love and heightened sense of connection, create an amazing feeling that  heals us and comforts us, like no other experience can.

When you are in this place, pay attention to what you are feeling.

Sit with your emotions a bit, and let yourself feel the wonder of love.

In Russ Njust’s new novel, The Alabaster Garden, he writes “In our struggles to know, to obtain and to become more than we believe we are, many of us have lost sight of our kinship to all life. We have thereby lost touch with the one thing in our beings that truly sees everything in the light of love.”

We often get so busy with the duties and obligations of life, we forget about the deep love that connects us. It gets set aside.

Tragedy, though terrible and painful, can bring this love back into our life.

My suggestion, in times of tragedy, is simply this: Focus on the feelings of love and love deeply! Love everyone in your life, in whatever way you can. Treasure every moment you are alive and able to love. Make sure everyone in your life knows how you feel about them and be the love everywhere you go.

In honor of those whose lives have been cut short this week, let’s make the most of ours and fill the world with love on their behalf.

This article is dedicated to Chad Wade and Justin Yates who died in a tragic plane crash this week. Thank you for giving us a chance to experience love at such a deep and tender level my friends, we will never forget you.

Don’t cover your grey with a sharpie and other tips for 40-something moms!

As a 40-something mother of seven, I have learned some good lessons recently.

First, even though a brown Sharpie does cover gray hair remarkably well, those hairs will later break and fall out — and you will be left with a Mohawk up the center of your head.

Yes, I learned that one the hard way.

Here are more tips for 40-something moms:

1. Keep your wallet empty. (If you have cash in your wallet, your children will inevitably ask you for it. If you don’t have any money, you can’t give it to them, and after a while they’ll stop asking).

2. Buy a good stain remover.

3. Hysteria will get you nowhere.

4. As soon as one of your children turns 16, lower your insurance deductible to $100.

5. Never wear high heels if they make you grouchy.

6. Never compare yourself with other moms — it’s a waste of energy.

7. Bribes work.

8. A happy family is more important than a clean house.

9. When getting your picture taken, put your hands on your hips. If there is open space between your arms and your body, it makes you look thinner. (Trust me; it really works.)

10. No matter how cool you are, your teenage daughter will find you embarrassing, so don’t take it personally. Continue to be the real you. Later on she will appreciate your confidence.

11. Thirteen is too late to put them up for adoption.

12. Mop slippers and music are a great way to exercise and clean the floor at the same time. (Your children will think you’re crazy, but that’s not a bad thing.)

13. Hide your candy in your underwear drawer because kids won’t look there.

14. Don’t take responsibility for stuff that is their responsibility. Make sure they know which stuff is theirs and you aren’t doing it.

15. Growing a fuzzy beard is normal after 40.

16. Don’t shave your beard. It will only make things worse.

17. Nervous breakdowns are just nature’s way of saying “Take it easy!” So schedule some “me” time and relax. (Today is as good a time as ever.)

18. Raising children is an exciting adventure that will be over before you know it. So lower your standards, open your heart, laugh often and don’t take anything too seriously.

And last but not least …

19. Know that you don’t have to be a perfect mom to be the perfect mom for your kids.

Kimberly Sayer Giles is the founder and president of http://www.claritypointcoaching.com and was named one of the Top 20 Advice Guru’s in the country by GMA. She is a speaker and life coach.

The world is full of zanies and fools… who break the rules and usually break the bank!

(What I learned from Cinderella, bumble bees and taking risks!)

Our local high school is currently presenting Cinderella, so one night this week my daughter and I decided to go see the play.  Now… I can’t get that dang song about “impossible things” out of my head!

It’s haunting me… driving me crazy… I keep thinking about crazy impossible things.

It’s crazy people, you know, who defy logic every day and do things, no one thinks can be done.  Crazy people are the ones who break the rules, break the records and break the bank most of the time.

“The world is full of zanies and fools… who don’t believe in sensible rules… and won’t believe what sensible people say.. and because these daft and dewey eyed dopes…  keep building up impossible hopes… impossible things are happening every day!”
– Cinderella

I can’t stop thinking about craziness… and impossible things.

I have been thinking about how impossible it was that my little essay stood out from a field of 15,000 other people and got me on national TV with Good Morning America.  What are the odds that would happen?

Well… 20 in 15000!

I would have bet everything I had against that.

But it happened.

Impossible things are happening every day!

Today I read a clip from Alice in Wonderland. It was an exchange between Alice and the White Queen from Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll:

Alice says, “One can’t believe impossible things.”

“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

This famous conversation has prompted millions of creative people from around the world to name six impossible things, each day before breakfast.  This idea has ignited all kinds of “out of the box” ideas and inventions.  People are stretching their minds and looking for solutions that break the rules.

I liked the idea!

It has prompted me do some crazy things myself this week.  (I don’t want to jinx them by telling you about them just yet – but if something impossible happens… you will be the first to know!)

I am charged up with enthusiasm from my GMA experience and I am determined to reach for the stars with more confidence.  I am not going to let limits, lines or logic get in my way.  I am going to be bold.

I also remembered something I heard, when I was a child, about bumble bees.  Have you heard that Bumble bees, according to aerodynamic studies in wind tunnels and scientists who computed the wing span  and the weight of the bees, cannot fly?

Mathematically it is impossible for these creatures to fly… but the bees don’t know anything about this limit… so they go ahead and fly anyway.

Impossible things are happening every day!

So what’s up with the experts and scientist and naysayers who like to pop our enthusiastic bubbles when we try crazy things?

I recently read about Arthur C. Clarke, author of 2001: A Space Odyssey, who is a believer of impossible things. He had “Three Laws” regarding science and discovery.  I found these fascinating, full of truth and well worth sharing.  Here they are:

Clarke’s Law #1

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. Corollary: When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Clarke’s Law # 2

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to venture beyond them into the impossible.

Clarke’s Law # 3

Any significantly advanced technology is at first indistinguishable from magic.

If you had shown my grandmother a cell phone when she was a girl, she would have believed it some kind of sorcery for sure.  “You can’t talk to people on the other side of the world with a little hand held cordless device – that’s crazy!”

There are always unexplainable things in this world… that later on become explainable and even commonplace.

While looking up information about bumble bees, to remind me of the story I heard as a child, I was amazed to discover that in the last 40 years scientists had taken another look at the bees.

It turns out that after some new advances in high speed photography new calculations were able to be made. Scientists were able to see that the wings of the bumble bee… fill up like a parachute on the down stroke—greatly increasing the surface area of the wing.  They were able to plug the new surface area into the calculations… and they have now declared that the bumble bee can indeed fly…

… much to the relief of bumble bees all around the planet.

Whew!

So, just because something doesn’t make sense or you can’t understand or believe it… doesn’t mean it’s not so. Impossible things are happening every day!

One of the most famous stories regarding the impossible is the story of Roger Bannister.  He was a talented runner who proclaimed that he was going to run a mile in under 4 minutes.

In all of history no man had ever achieved this. Doctors declared it was impossible. The heart would not be able to handle the strain, the lungs would not have enough strength and they said one might actually die in the foolish attempt.

People believed it was impossible…

Roger Bannister believed otherwise. He believed it was possible as he saw himself improving and getting faster every year. He refused to listen to what people said.

Day in day out he trained and so sharpened his mind and body. He was convinced that slow and steady training would get him to break the 4 minute mile record.

On May 6, 1954 Roger Bannister broke the 4 minute mile. 3:59.4.

The remarkable thing is however, that one month later the impossible was made possible by yet another runner. And in the following year more and more people started to break the 4 minute mile.

Did the runners all of a sudden become better runners? Or was it that they now believed it was possible to break the 4 minute mile when they hadn’t before?

What is possible and what is not…  is all in the mind.  Most of life’s limitations come from within. But once you break these limitations and get out of your mental prison you realize that your biggest limitations are your beliefs.

The most common problem in our thinking is… “I can’t do that.  It’s too hard.  I’d never make it.”

Try this exercise:  Take a piece of paper and write down some goals in your life. Under one header, list down things ‘you know you can do’. Under another header, write the things ‘you might be able to do.’ And under one more, list the things that that are ‘impossible for you to do.’

What new grounds will you blaze?

After all, everything seems impossible… until the first time someone does it.

(“It’s kind of fun doing the impossible.” – said Walt Disney)

All I know is that we have nothing to lose by stretching, going for it, breaking down our limiting beliefs and shooting a little higher!

Don’t listen to the people who hold you back.  Believe in yourself and follow your heart.  It can’t hurt to try… remember those who never try – never win.

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” —Theodore Roosevelt

Impossible things are happening every day!

What are you going to do?

How to cope with being a loser on reality T.V. :-)

Everything that happens in life… prepares you for what will happen next… and who has had more embarrassing, humiliating moments, this last year than me.  LOL

I was ready for this.

After you have gone to work with your shirt inside out, been locked in Gold’s Gym half naked or been crowned “the life coach who got divorced, twice!”… having millions of people see you lose on TV isn’t that painful!   Ha Ha

It’s par for the course!

I was ready for reality T.V.

Last night I was watching some of “The Bachelor” with my girls.  We watched as the girls, who didn’t get a rose, left in shame and I remember thinking… “I would not want to be one of the girls who cries on her way out.  I would hold my head high, wish the dude good luck… and walk to the limo with a smile on my face.”

I also remember thinking… “how can these girls be that sad!  They don’t even know if they would have liked the guy.  He may have been all wrong for them and being sent home may have been a blessing!”

That is helping today…because I might not have liked that high paying job and the fame and fortune of being on national T.V.  It might have sucked.

Really!

I thought I was gonna make it to the next level though!!!  By all accounts, looking at the votes, I was in the top five!  I really thought I had this!  Obviously they didn’t decide this thing based on votes or substance or talent, for that matter, and I think I figured out why.  I realized something that I hadn’t thought of before…

this is a TV show…

I know that should have been obvious but it is a TV show… whose goals are ratings and money!

Their goal is NOT helping people.

I’m in the business of helping people…that’s my goal!  So obviously I wasn’t the right one for this job!

It’s good news that I will not be spending my days writing advice columns for a company who doesn’t really care about people.  I will spend my days coaching, writing and speaking to people I care about!

It still stings though… when you don’t get the rose…

…you get voted off the island…

…you lose that promotion you really wanted…

…you get laid off…

…you blow the shot that would have won the big game that really mattered…

…or are terribly disappointed by the myriad of ways life can knock you on your butt.  Right?

These losses sting.

These experiences sting because they bring your deepest core fear to the surface and rub it in your face…The fear that maybe you just aren’t good enough, or that your life isn’t going to be good enough!!

That is why losses sting.

They feel like they mean something about who you are!  Something bad!

So how do you cope with that?

The answer is the same answer my clients give me every time I ask them…

“How do you get out of FEAR?”

The correct answer is… “Love and Trust – The Clarity Formula!”
(This is the Clarity Point Remedy – CPR – which really does save lives!)

How does it work?

You make four important choices, two about trust and two about love.

First you make the choice to trust:

1) You choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line.  This isn’t about your value at all.  Your value is infinite and absolute and nothing you do or don’t do can change it!  You choose to trust that you are right where you’re supposed to be and who you’re supposed to be. You are the perfect you, right now.

You choose to trust that this loss doesn’t define you.  It doesn’t mean anything about “who you are” and it doesn’t effect your value in anyway!

Just because the Bachelor sent you home, doesn’t mean you aren’t an awesome amazing woman!

Just because GMA and ABC didn’t think you made the cut… doesn’t mean you don’t have talent in spades!  It doesn’t mean anything about who you are!

You are the same person you were yesterday before Simon ripped your performance apart and kicked you off the show.  His opinion doesn’t change who you are.

No one’s does!

You trust that your value is set by God… and does not change no matter what!

2) You also choose to believe that your life’s journey is perfect.  You choose to believe that you are right on track and this experience is exactly the right one you need next, to become who you’re meant to be.  As bad as this experience is – it’s perfect for some reason!  You choose to trust the process of life.  You have to choose this… it’s the only way to emotional balance.

You choose to believe that hooking up with that Bachelor was not in the plans for you because your perfect path is somewhere else.  You choose to believe that being on Good Morning America would have distracted you from helping people that need your help!  You choose to trust that this loss is perfect!

Then you make the choice to love:

1) We teach our clients that the first step to love is choosing to see other people as the same as you.  They aren’t better and they aren’t worse.  They do the best they can, with what they know at the time… just like you do.  When you see others as the same as you… compassion shows up and you see them accurately.  This helps you love others and yourself better.

Those girls who got a rose, are not better than you.  Seeing them as better, and yourself as less than, will just produce drama that is beneath who you are.  They are struggling scared, flawed human beings, the same as you.  Seeing the girls (with roses) as brown-nosing sluts, who are worse than you, so you can feel better about yourself – is again, beneath you.

I know the folks who made the cut on GMA aren’t better or worse than me… they just fit what the producers were looking for better and in the end it was their perfect journey to stay in, and it was mine to leave!   I decided to reach out to them and send notes of congratulations.

2) Then you choose to be about giving love not getting love.  You choose to focus on others more than yourself.  You choose to make others feel important instead of worrying about whether you are.

At times of loss – you look for others to lift, love or serve and this makes you feel better (because you like who you are now.)  If you focus on giving – you feel great!

This simple formula works.  I have had hundreds, if not thousands, of clients who have tried this formula in all kinds of situations over the last seven years and it works!  It helps you get rebalanced after a loss that triggers fear.  You will probably have to keep re-choosing love and trust every five minutes, all day long, when the fear creeps back in, but it works.

This is how I processed this loss.  I used this formula!

I thought it was important to share this…since your next loss is probably not far away.

If your life is anything like mine, loss is a reoccurring theme that just won’t quit!  But in spite of this I still consider myself lucky and blessed.  Good things happen to us too, all the time!

So the next time loss, disappointment or trouble smacks you in the face… try it.

Or you could hit the gym and run three miles while listening to The Climb over and over and over.  Here is the link to the song -and some of the lyrics.

“There’s always gonna be another mountain. I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle. Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.
Ain’t about how fast I get there. Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side.
It’s the climb!
The struggles I’m facing. The chances I’m taking. Sometimes might knock me down.
But no, I’m not breaking!
I may not know it. But these are the moments that I’m gonna remember most, yeah.
Just gotta keep going.  And I, I got to be strong. Just keep pushing on”

This is what I did this morning after I got the news!

I know it’s lame to listen to Miley Cyrus… but this song helped lift my spirits and motivate me – during that run I realized I needed to focus on giving… so we decided to do an amazing call tomorrow night on dealing with the losses, disappointments and other experiences that knock us to the ground.  We need a powerful call about surviving!

I will have some amazing guest speakers on the call, who have been through some really tough stuff – (makes my reality TV loss look stupid!)  And we want to hear your stories too.  We want to have a big, giant, group coaching session with everyone who wants to join us!

We are shaking things up, changing the format and we need you to join us to talk about the stuff that knocks you on your butt. We all have losses – we all get the rug pulled out from under us! Let’s talk about it!

Join us  tomorrow January 5th at 8:30pm.

Call in at (218) 862-7200 enter access code: 467648.

 

How to cope when life kicks your butt – The Emotional CPR call

How to handle a “one upper” type friend!

From Leonard in North Carolina:

No matter what one has or does, I have a friend who always says, “I’ve done that” or “I have bigger and better.” How is the best way to tell him that the reason other people avoid him is because he always has to “top” what they’ve done or have? Our friendship is often strained when he pulls this card on me.

Leonard, if you think that’s bad, I have a friend who’s even worse.  My friend is way more annoying than yours.  (Just kidding.)

 

Seriously, even as an advice guru, I haven’t got the slightest clue how to make people like this change, but I have a long list of prospective candidates myself… if we should ever find a way.

 

I can suggest something even better though.

 

I can show you an amazing way to encourage your friend to want to change himself.  This works best because people don’t resist change, they resist being changed.  If they choose to change themselves, everyone wins!

(We all know people we would like to change – so pay attention to this guru magic.)

The trick lies in seeing your friend’s true potential and helping him see himself, as the better person you know he can be.  This approach uses love to gently nudge someone in the right direction.

Next time you see him, say something like this…

“Can I tell you how much I appreciate what a great friend you are?  As a matter of fact, I read something the other day that immediately made me think of you.  (YOU AREN’T LYING BECAUSE YOU READ THIS ARTICLE.) It said, in any moment you are in one of two places… you are either asking for love and attention from people, or you are giving love and attention to people.

It made me wonder, “What kind of person am I?   Am I someone who talks about himself too much because he needs validation?  Or am I someone who edifies other people by listening to them?

I really appreciate that you are someone who gives love and attention to other people.  You don’t need to tell your stories, one up or impress others.  You make other people feel important by allowing most conversations to be about them.  It’s a great quality and one I want to work on. ”

Then move onto other things.

It wouldn’t hurt to pay him these types of compliments on a regular basis.  YOU ARE NOT LYING TO HIM. You are reminding him of who he really is.  These compliments will also build up his self esteem.

Remember he does the whole “one-upping” thing because he is insecure.  It’s not about you.  It’s about his fear.  So don’t take it personally when he does it.  Just smile and let it roll off.

The principle behind the advice:

People want to be who they think you think they are.  If you see the best in them and tell them what you see, they will want to live up to your expectations.

Tomorrow we find out if the votes were enough!

The Guru contest is moving forward!

Will I make it into the TOP TEN?

Read the latest from the producers of Good Morning America…

“I’m writing because the time has come to move forward with the selection process. On Tuesday Jan 4, during the second hour of the show we will be announcing the Guru candidates who will be moving on.

We appreciate the awesome effort that everyone has contributed during the past few weeks. You are all incredibly gifted in so many ways and we hope that you have enjoyed being part of the process.

The next stage will require a little hustle, so we have decided to lay the game plan out in advance in case you foresee some sort of major obstacle to your participation. Of course, reach out to me if you have a major issue, but we feel the description below is quite clear and we encourage you to wait with general questions until the candidates moving forward are announced.

Again thank you all so much. It’s been a fun ride so far and it’s honestly a bit bitter-sweet to have to move on. You are all super guru’s to us and we hope you all keep marching forward with the great work you do.”

Guru Daily Duel

For all of the guru candidates moving on, the next step is called the Guru Daily Duel. This is an on-line reality challenge and will run from Wednesday Jan 5 to Wednesday January 13. Each day, two guru candidates will face-off online. Viewers will be encouraged to weigh-in to let us know who they think is really delivering great advice.

[I am going to need ALL YOUR SUPPORT AND HELP to win this one!]

Here’s how it will work:

Tuesday Jan 4 – GMA announces the GURU candidates who will be moving on in the selection process. This will happen on-air during the 8-9am hour of GMA. We will also announce the first two (or more) gurus who will be facing-off online.

Tuesday Jan 4

After the show, GMA will contact those two (or more) GURU candidates to give them the viewer question of the day.

Tuesday Jan 4 – 6 AM Wednesday Jan 5

These Guru candidates will have approximately one day (after the show until 6am the next day) to send in a video response to this question. The response cannot exceed 1 minute and 30 seconds and we recommend categorizing your answers in bite size chunks. You should deliver your best information in your video response. Additionally, you are also welcome to supplement your video response by writing something that we can post online. This written response cannot exceed 300 words.

Wednesday Jan 5

As soon as possible, we will post the video’s that come in from the guru’s facing off on that day. We will also encourage viewers to weigh-in.

Wednesday Jan 5

Sometime during the show, our anchors will announce the names of the next two (or more) guru’s facing off. We will then send these two guru’s the viewer question of the day and they will have until 6am the next day to send in a their response. This process will continue every day until Wednesday Jan 13.

Logistics

-Each Guru candidate moving on will have to do this at least twice during the week long period. Saturday and Sunday are not included. However, the GURU’s who will duel on Monday will receive their question on Sunday morning.

__________________________________________________________

Wow – this is going to be fun!

If… I make it through (tomorrow morning is the day we find out).  I do feel confident in my ability to duel with advice – but I am going to need help because the person who has the most support will get the most votes, even if their advice is not as good.

So get ready to help me spread the word and ask for votes.

If I make it into the final 10, I am planning to contact ABC news in SLC and ask them to help me get the word out.

I’m nervous, but taking my own advice… and choosing to trust the process of life.

Though it’s hard, I have to re-choose trust every five minutes!

It wouldn’t hurt for all of us to pray a little too!

Don’t let the sparks die in your marriage!

2^nd question

From Tara in Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina:

My fiance and I dated for seven years and we’re getting married in March. We’ve lived in different states for the past four years and are excited to be soon living together. What’s the best way to make sure we don’t take our time together for granted and what challenges should we look out for as we readjust to being together all the time?

Tara,

It can be scary standing at the doorway of a new chapter of your life.  But don’t worry, there isn’t anything coming you can’t handle!  Just focus your energy on creating a fun and loving relationship.  With this good foundation, you will be able to handle any issues that arise.

Here are some principles that are proven to make awesome relationships…

1) Be a Giver:

Problems happen, in relationships, when you are more worried about what you’re getting than what you’re giving, this triggers the other person to be worried about what they’re not getting and pretty soon… no one is getting anything because no one is giving.

If you want an amazing marriage, look for ways to give more than you get.  Like the line in that Michael Buble song (Haven’t Met You Yet).

Send romantic text messages or think of things you can do to lighten your spouse’s load and make life easier.  Once a week, ask your spouse, “How can I give to you better, to make you feel more loved?”  Then, do what they ask.  This will create a relationship that just gets better with time.

2) Be Fun:

There is no rule that says you stop having fun when you get married.  As a matter of fact, you can have more fun, be more spontaneous and laugh more often, if that’s the kind of relationship you want.

Don’t just spend time together – spend fun, spontaneous, happy time together.   Don’t just have a date night once a week – have a SMOKIN’ HOT date once a week.

Make being married to you fun!

3) Be Affectionate:

Hold hands out in public, cuddle for a few minutes every morning and night, sit on the same side of the booth at dinner, make out on occasion and have sex as often as possible.  (If you are having fun and focused on giving… your sex life will naturally be amazing.)

If you are doing these three things, your relationship can handle whatever challenges come.

One possible challenge to watch out for would be that you are used to a certain amount of freedom in the relationship up to this point.  So make sure you communicate openly about how your expectations have changed once you are living together full time.

When issues show up, just communicate.  Ask your spouse if you can talk about concerns, ask him how he feels about issues first and then ask permission to share how you feel.   Open, loving communication is the key.  You may want to read my last advice column on how to have tough conversations for more tips.

Congratulations on the marriage and the fun future you have ahead!

Should you tell your friend she dresses bad?

Here is your question, submitted by Sherema in Orange Park, Fla.:

“How do I tell my best girlfriend that the ton of makeup and skin tight clothes designed for teenage girls makes her a laughing stock at the office and not hurt her feelings? She is a very attractive 49 year old lady but her appearance makes it hard for our co-workers to take her seriously.”

Sherema –

This is a great question, and having a conversation with your friend would definitely be the loving thing to do.  The good news is, it’s not hard to have these sensitive conversations in a loving way.  You can do it!

Here are a few suggestions…

1) Find the right time – You want to have this conversation when you are alone and won’t be interrupted.

2) Ask permission to discuss a sensitive issue – “Would you be open to talking about something kind of personal with me?”
(Wait for a yes)

3) Ask whether she feels safe with you – “Do you know I care about you and only want the best for you?”
(Wait for a yes)

4) Ask her what she thinks and feels about the key issues – “How important do you think it is that our co-workers take you seriously and respect you?”  (Listen)  “How much do you think the way you look might play into this?”
(Listen to how she feels about it)

5) Ask permission to speak your truth – “Would you be open to some constructive criticism from me, even if it hurts a little to hear?”  or “Would you be open to some brutal honesty, knowing that I love you?”
(Wait for a Yes)

6) Speak your truth –  “I believe that the way you dress and the amount of make-up you wear at work, effects the way people respond to you.  So my question is… Would you ever be open to some suggestions about how you might dress and do your make-up differently to create a more professional presence?  Would you ever be open to letting me help you with this?”

Understand the principle behind the advice…

Notice that every step involves asking the person a question, even at the end when you speak your truth, you still phrase it as a question.  Doing it this way shows the other person you honor and respect them.  It creates a safe place where they are less likely to get defensive.

Here is my simple formula for having these tough conversations:

1) Find the right time,
2) Ask permission to have a sensitive conversation,
3) Ask about trust in your relationship,
4) Ask their opinion about the issue and listen to them,
5) Ask permission to speak your truth,
6) Speak your truth.

This formula will work…  but another option would be to take some secret footage… send it to What Not to Wear…  and let Stacy and Clinton handle it.  🙂

Good luck either way!

_______________________________________________________________

I wanted to get your take on this advice, because the other two finalists who answered this same question said that you should not say anything to your friend.  That you should just accept her as she is.

What do you think?

My first TV appearance & pay attention in English!

This morning I did my first TV appearance on ABC4 news on Good Morning Utah.  Don Hudson interviewed me and I got my five minutes in the spotlight.

It was really fun to sit in the back, by the cameras and watch how they produce the local news (I’ve never seen that before!)

Just so you know, Angie and Don have tele-prompters telling them every word to say, which are mounted right on the cameras so they look like they are looking at the viewer but they are really reading the script.  It’s a piece of cake!

It was fun watching Marti Scold do the weather in front of the green screen pointing at nothing which just happened to be exactly where the computer showed SLC or Elko NV. She has that down pat!

I thought it was really interesting to see that the writers were writing the news, which showed up on the teleprompters, only minutes before each segment.  They were putting this together on the fly… but it came together perfectly.

It was fun watching them steal a sip of pop or a hand-full of trail mix during the commercials too.

Right before it was my turn they asked for the websites for GMA and my company Claritypoint Coaching and made sure they had the facts straight – then they wired me with a mike and sat me next to Don and started rolling.

He was great.  He asked the right questions about the contest, and gave me the chance to tell the world about life coaching and ask them to go online and support me.  He cracked some great jokes about needing some life coaching himself and made me feel very relaxed.  I came home right after and watched it – and though every girl thinks she looks fat in every picture ever taken of her – I didn’t hate it. I looked okay!

I am trying to figure out some way to get the video from my DVR to the computer so I can post it – but haven’t figured that out yet.  Any ideas would be appreciated,

When I got home I saw that the advice from the first viewer questions is now online –

So I need your help!

I am hoping you would go the GMA website – read my advice and rank it.  If you think it’s good advice, rank it a 4 okay!

Click here to go to the site!

Notice that two other finalists answered the same question I did.

It’s interesting to see that they gave very different advice than mine.  You will have to tell me which feels better to you.  Would you tell your friend she dressed badly or just love her the way she is?

I am so grateful for all the support I am getting from friends, clients and family members.  This is quite a wild experience and your support means the world to me.

The producers of GMA are now sending me questions to answer twice a week.  These assignments are stressing me out though and are an  interesting opportunity for me to practice what I preach.  I find myself getting very fearful about whether my writing or my answers are good enough.

I know, I know… I’m the one who said on National TV that “It doesn’t have to be perfect to be perfect!”

… But when your writing is going to be judged by everyone in America and your dream job hangs in the balance…  it’s hard!

I really want perfect!

Yesterday I agonized for hours over whether my column was good enough.  Finally Laney couldn’t take it anymore and made me hit send.

Writing is an unusual medium because you could keep editing and changing things in one article forever, and never really know if you are making it better or worse.  It’s so subjective and one thing could be said a million different ways.  I also have never claimed to be a professional writer.  I like writing and think I do okay but I have a couple problems too…

I overuse exclamation points (badly!)  I do this because I write the way I talk, and I talk loud.  So in my head, every sentence that would be said with passion should end with one of these!!!!

I am not really sure if I put commas in the right place either, because I spent high school English class throwing things out the fourth story window with Sean Barnett or making fun of Mrs. Syphilis.  (Kids pay attention in school!)

Another issue is that I try to be funny, and humor is really risky in writing… because it can sound funny in your head… and not end up that funny on paper.

I also love dashes – don’t know why – but I use them anyplace I might take a breath when speaking.  I also love the old three dot thingy…  You know I do…  if you read the blog much.  They are another great option for those breath pause situations.

I even had a stranger from back east comment on facebook that my writing wasn’t the best… though she later confessed that of all the candidates she thinks I’m the best!

Hopefully enough people will agree.

(I did get a book on punctuation though and am polishing up my skills.)

I am also having my brilliant husband proof read my writing… since the man has serious skills.  He’s a good editor too.

I learned this stuff the hard way!

The questions from viewers have started arriving!

Every few days GMA is going to send me a viewers question to respond to.  Our responses will be posted on the GMA website and viewers are asked to rate our advice on a scale of 1 to 4.

This round will go on for a few weeks, maybe even into January.  I will be posting the links so that all my friends, family and fans can weigh in.

I will need your support!

Not everyone is happy though, about the top 20 Finalists on Good Morning America.  I have been reading their responses on Facebook as people are weighing in on this whole thing…

“…too bad GMA didn’t extend their consideration net to include people who actually needed jobs…in their advice guru search…or people who actually remember when gurus became part of the cultural lexicon…”

“All that business about plucking some regular person from an ordinary humdrum life and plopping him/her into the glitz and glamour of advice gurudome was a bunch of MALARKY.  There is not a single person in the final 20 who has not earned an advanced degree.  I’m not talking about a masters degree.  I am talking about highly educated people with PhD’s in one thing or another, as well as several medical doctors, a prolific author of something like a dozen advice and self-help books, and get this, a couple of local television advice type personalities.  THESE PEOPLE ARE ALREADY ADVICE GURUS FOR GOODNESS SAKE!  Why go for this job?”

I have responded to some of the comments to set the record straight.

I am just a regular person folks.

I didn’t graduate from college and I haven’t published a book. I have had some wonderful opportunities to speak to groups and was even a guest speaker on a radio show once, but I can’t compete with the resumes some of the other finalists have up.

Those of you who know me… know that I got my wisdom the hard way.

I’ve been through so many losses and challenges it’s ridiculous!  I have suffered with chronic illness, been a single mom, lost everything, worked my way back up, filed for divorce, had my heart broken, blended a family and even wrestled a gun away from a shooter.

I’ve lived… and I’ve learned.

I’ve also spent the last seven years as a life coach.

I have taken my life experiences and figured out some amazing things about the human experience.  I’ve searched out true principles that can help us make good choices and create happiness in our lives.  I’ve been teaching these principles to others, through simple formulas… and you know what?

They work.

I developed a coaching program that helps people make changes in how they think.  It helps them to see their life experiences more clearly.  It teaches  them how to find the wise, loving, mature responses to situations in their lives and it gives them real self esteem.

I am so proud of this program!    … though I can’t take much credit for it…

God taught it to me – he is really the author.

Which is why it works every time!

I don’t know how this whole thing will end up. I may get cut at the next round.  But I do know this… if I have the chance to share some principle based advice, that could make a difference in the life of just one person… it will be a win for me!

—————————————————————————————————

I also want you to know that most of the answers (to life’s issues) are really very simple if you do these 4 things…

1) Don’t be afraid… because your value isn’t on the line.

2) Trust that your life is a perfect journey to help you become the best you.

3) See other people as the same as you…  because they are.

4) Choose to give love… instead of worrying about whether you’re getting it.

Those four things will pretty much help you to find the mature, loving, wise solution every time. I call it the Clarity Formula!

Then, when you interact with others… listen to them first… then ask permission to share your stuff.   If you do that, you will handle every situation with love.

That’s it for today… I’ll let you know what happens next!

My best advice when someone ticks you off!

This is the most common question I am asked by clients – so I thought we should address it.

Apparently people mistreat us, hurt us or tick us off quite frequently, because someone asks me for advice around confronting these people every single day.

I believe that if we learn how to appropriately and maturely respond to these situations with love and strength, we will be able to tackle most of life’s problems.

1) Recognize it’s usually not about you – Step back and don’t take it so personally

It may feel like an attack, it may sound like an attack… but most of the time… behind the attack is an issue or fear that is all about the person doing the attacking.  (Whatever they are throwing at you – it is their stuff!)

What they are really saying is… “I don’t feel loved” or “I’m scared that I’m not important!”  If you can recognize what is going on in their world, you will be able to handle the issue with wisdom and maturity.

Try really hard to be un-offendable.  Don’t waste your time and energy defending yourself all the time.  You don’t need to.  You are the same you regardless of what other people think, do or say.  They really can’t hurt you.  Most of the time you could choose not to be offended.

Though there are times when it is important to speak your truth and confront someone in order to preserve a good relationship, if this is one of those times… keep reading.

2) See other people as the same as you – Don’t cast good guys and bad guys!

We all have a tendency to see other people as different from us.  Sometimes we see them as the bad guy and cast ourselves as the good guy.  Other times we see them as better than us which lets us enjoy bad guy self pity drama.  Neither of these is accurate and they lead to a lot of unnecessary drama.

It is important that before you address any issue, you step back from it and make sure you are seeing the other person as a flawed, scared, struggling human being who is not all good nor all bad – the same as you.

When you can see them as the same as you, you will see the situation accurately and with more compassion.  People are generally doing the best they can with what they know.  When they behave badly towards you, it’s usually because they have a problem, not because you do.

To handle this issue with maturity and love means being able to see your own flaws too.  If you are struggling with this step, get out a piece of paper; draw a line down the center and put their name on one side and yours on the other.  Then write down, on their side, all the things you are bothered with them for.  Get out all your gripes.  Then go to your side and take each gripe and flip it.   If you had written “They don’t care about my feelings.” – you should now write “I don’t care about their feelings.”   Then go through each statement and ask yourself… “Is this ever still true?”

You are not perfect either.  You sometimes get caught up in your own stuff and miss how your actions affect others.  We all do.  Just make sure that you see them as the same as you before you move forward to address the issue.  This way you will handle it with love.

3) Trust that your value is not on the line.

Being offended is about defending yourself.  The question is… do you really need to?  Is your value on the line?  It may feel like it is at times but in reality, your value, as a totally unique irreplaceable human being, is infinite and absolute.  It is NEVER on the line.  Nothing you do or don’t do and certainly nothing anyone else does will ever change it.  You are safe.

You will be the same you, regardless of how anyone treats you.  Before you address this issue and whether or not this other person values you… make sure you remember that even if they don’t… you are still the same amazing you.  You have nothing to be afraid of.

4) Trust in your perfect journey.

Your life is providing you with perfect experiences every day to learn and grow.  These experiences let you see things about yourself and teach you valuable lessons.

This experience with this person, is one of those perfect experiences.

What do you think it is here to teach you?  What is it showing you about yourself that could help you to become a better you?  It is not really about defending you… it is about teaching you something.  What might it be here to teach you?

If you can figure that out, it will change how you respond.  You may even be grateful for this situation and the other person who is in your life for this perfect reason. You may choose to love this beautiful experience.

Choose peace around this.  However it turns out will be perfect.

If you still feel that a conversation needs to happen, follow the steps below to handle it with love and build a relationship of trust with the other person.

5) Handle this tough conversation with love and trust.

This conversation will be most successful if both parties feel safe, respected and validated.  You can make that happen and it’s easier than you’d think.

I call this “The Trust Formula” and have been using it and teaching it for seven years… and it works every time.

Step 1: Set your opinions, thoughts, feelings, fear and concerns aside upfront.  You are going to start this conversation by respecting and validating the other person first.  Make sure that you are ready to focus on loving and validating them.  Take a moment and mentally set your stuff aside.

Step 2: Ask questions about what they think or feel about the situation.  What are their concerns, fears and opinions about it?  What is going on in their world around this issue?

Then you are going to listen (while staying very open and loving.)  You don’t have to agree with anything they say but you do have to honor and respect their right to feel or think the way they do.  This is what validating others is about.

You must stay at step 2 until this other person feels heard, understood and cared about.  Don’t say anything but…”Tell me more about that.” Or “I totally understand how you could feel this way.”

If you have done this step right, you will feel the other person’s walls come down.  They will not be defensive and they will feel safe with you.  Once you reach this point you can move on to step three.

Step 3:  Ask permission to share your thoughts.  Asking permission should sound something like this… “Would you be open to letting me share some of my feelings on this?” “Would you let me share some of my concerns with you?” “May I share some of my thoughts on this with you?”

This is a VERY powerful way to share your feelings and at the same time make the other person feel respected and honored too.  I recommend never giving advice or telling someone what you think about anything unless you have asked permission first.

(If only every mother-in-law would follow this counsel!)

If you follow these three steps you can handle any conversation with love and strength.  That doesn’t always mean the other person will be happy about what you have to say but it will go as well as possible.  If they choose drama and take offense at this point… that is their stuff and is not your responsibility.  You must allow others to experience their experiences however they choose.  You only have control over you.

Choose to handle yourself with maturity, strength and love – you can do this!

© December 1, 2010 Kimberly Giles

I got another email from Good Morning America – wanna read it?

Congratulations to all of you and welcome to the GMA GURU TOP 20!

We hope you all enjoyed seeing your faces pop up on the screen the other day. We are delighted to have found you and are excited to get going with the next phase.

Starting tomorrow we will be airing your holiday tips, in random order, throughout the month of December. We are aiming to show one per day.

Also, we will be asking you to respond to viewer questions that we are now soliciting. Very soon, my colleague will be in contact with you to start this part of the process. We will send you selected viewer questions and ask you to provide your best advice in written form within a given deadline. We will post your advice to these questions on our website.

Also, as social media is now an integral part of our communication process, we encourage you to use outlets, like facebook and twitter, to link to the guru page on our site and encourage your friends and followers to view your profiles and upcoming advice and also to weigh-in on the message board.  Most of the GMA GURU related content that appears on our show will also show up in some form on our GMA facebook page. Become a fan for easy access to links.

There will be more info in the next few days.

Happy to have you on board!

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After receiving this I got online and looked up the show’s Facebook Page – there were already questions ready to be answered.  Here they are with my responses…

Jodi – I am a new (very proud) mother to my 10 month old son. Recently I did chores for my mother & her husband while they were out of town & noticed that there is not a single picture of my son hanging on the walls! My sister’s children’s entire rearings are displayed, but not a single photo of mine. How should I address this?

Jodi –

I am a life coach who specializes in communication skills.  If I may offer a suggestion… it would be to assume the best of her, not the worst.  It probably isn’t personal.  But if you must bring it up try asking it this way… “Mom, could I ask you a kinda sensitive question?”  “If I was feeling bad because I noticed that you don’t have any pictures of my baby hanging in your house yet… how could I bring that to you, in a way that would still show you how much I love you and know that you love me?”

Then be quiet and listen.

She won’t get offended if you ask it this way and she will probably put your concerns to rest.

Hope this helps!

Kim

Beth – What do the guru-wannabes advise when a relative constantly brings up topics you don’t want to discuss or asks you personal questions you don’t want to answer?

Beth –

May I offer a suggestion?

Look for a time when you could catch this relative alone.  Then ask them… “Could we talk for a minute about something kind of personal?”   Wait for them to give you permission to continue – this shows respect and makes them feel safer talking with you.

Then say…“Listen, sometimes people ask me personal questions that I am not really comfortable answering, I don’t want to be rude, but I am just not comfortable talking about some issues… if that comes up with you and me… how could I tell you that in a way that would still show you how much  I love you?”

Let them tell you how they would like you to handle it.

Often though, just having this conversation will get the message across.

Hope that helps,

Kim

The Secret to Success Revealed! (Did Abraham Lincoln have days like this?)

It appears something interesting is happening in my life.

First, the man of my dreams showed up… and when I least expected him.  I had just reached a place when I was enjoying being single and was determined to live that experience to the fullest, when I met the perfect guy for me.  I knew immediately that something significant was happening.  The universe was saying…  in no uncertain terms… “This is the one!”

8 weeks later, I was married to this amazing man and started experiencing a relationship unlike anything I had experienced before.  He is truly my best friend and my soul mate.  He and I fit together perfectly… he is my other half (I never understood that before) but I do now and it is wonderful.

But I didn’t ask for this.

For weeks, I kept looking to the sky and asking, “Right now you send him?”

“Really?”

Apparently God and the universe knew better than I… when the time was right.

So how did this perfectly timed experience show up?  Did I attract it?  Did an all knowing God send it because I’ve been a good girl?  Was it just luck?  Why was I blessed with this experience when so many others, who want it, can’t seem to find it?

The Secret (book and movie) would say because last year I put in writing some details about the life I wanted, which included my soul mate and my dream job… I am now manifesting those things into my life.  It would say I have the power to create whatever I want in my life and good things are coming to me because I wished for them.

Being a person of faith, I have some problems with that.

I believe that God and the universe have some plans for my life too.

Having said that, I also believe that most of the things I desire, are in my heart because they are what I am meant to desire.  God and the universe know me and who I am meant to be.  This truth about who I am meant to be, is also inside of me and drives me toward both what I want and what God and the universe want for me.

They are the same thing, after all, whether I consciously realize it or not.

So all three of us (God, the universe and me) are working together, in perfect unison, to shape my life.  God and the universe  know who I am and who I will be.  They know what experiences I need in order to become this person.  So as I make choices and experience different ups and downs in my life, I can trust that all – is always well.  I am always choosing right, and my journey is perfect, even when things get rough – and they will get rough.

There will be some hard times in life, when I won’t get what I wished for. I can imagine and believe all day long and I still won’t get it.  (Sorry Secret fans!)  God and the universe are working with my subconscious mind to attract the experiences I need – not necessarily the ones I want.

Sometimes life will be difficult, really difficult, but I can trust that there is purpose in the difficult times.

Have you ever seen a baby bird struggling to hatch itself out of an egg?  You may have been tempted to help the little guy out.  For a while, it seems like he won’t make it on his own.  But if you help him… he won’t live.  That divine struggle to break out of his shell is vital to his developing the strength to survive.  If you rob him of that experience, he will not become who he is meant to be.

I have, in my life, often felt just like that little bird.   It feels like I have broken a small hole in my egg and I’m calling out to God and the universe… “How bout a little help down here!  I’m stuck!”

But help doesn’t always come.  I can’t count the number of times I have prayed for relief and help… and have not received it.  Every time that has happened to me though… I knew that fighting my way out of this, was exactly where I was meant to be – there was purpose to my struggles.  I also knew that I could do it or I, God and the universe wouldn’t have placed me here.

If I subscribed to the theory of the Law of Attraction, it would say that I attracted this struggle because I didn’t properly use “The Secret.”   It would say that I didn’t ask the universe properly for what I wanted and that somehow I asked for this.  If I don’t want this struggle I need to learn to ask for what I want.

That is partly true.  I do agree that I attract the challenges I need next into my life, but I do this subconsciously because that is how the divine process of life (the universe) works.

Through my free agency and listening to my inner truth, I make choices which are always the perfect choices to bring about what I need next in my life, even when those perfect experiences aren’t fun.  But I trust in the process of my life – that it is always the perfect life for me.

Does that make sense?

I asked for every experience.  I didn’t ask wrong or for the wrong things.  I asked for exactly what I needed next and whether I like the experience or not… the process of my life (the universe) is always perfect.

But if that is true… Does it do me any good to believe that good things will happen for me?

Does it make a difference to have faith and stay optimistic?

Should I keep believing that I’m going to get the job on Good Morning America?

Absolutely!

Living in a state of optimism and trust (without fear) means living life in an attractive energy.

This is the real Law of Attraction!

Living with a trusting mindset means loving God, myself, other people and life in general.  It is about choosing to feel safe in the process of life. It is about choosing to trust that good things are coming your way.   It is about loving, living and learning and approaching life with hope and optimism – and this is a very attractive way to live.

When you live like this, people are more attracted to you and good situations will come your way as a natural consequence of that.  So I wholeheartedly recommend having faith that good things are coming your way.

Just don’t forget that sometimes you may not get what you wanted… and you have to trust that those experiences are perfect too.  If I don’t get the job, I have to trust that it’s perfect.

You also need to remember that the universe might surprise you… because it knows you and who you are meant to be better than your own conscious mind does!  Sometimes it delivers the perfect thing when you didn’t even know you were ready for it.

I didn’t know that the time was right to meet my soul mate.

I didn’t consciously ask for him at that time but God and the universe (the process of life) knew the time was right and so he showed up.  I made the choice to accept the date though and  I did this because a little voice inside me (my inner truth) was guiding me.  I knew the right choice (I had the free agency to make it either way) but God, the universe and my inner truth are always on the same page, whether I realize it or not.

I made the decision to apply for the job with GMA.  But was there some divine guidance involved too?

Absolutely.

I can’t forget my business partners who told me about the contest.  Somehow the universe prompted them to tell me about it and I felt guided to fill it out.  (I never really expected to win though!)  Isn’t life an amazing process!!!

Does this all make sense?

The Secret or “The Law of Attraction” is true, but there is more to it.

God and the universe are also in play in your life.  It’s not all about you and your power!

There are also other laws in play.  The Law of Karma is equally important to understand.  It says… If you give nothing, you will get nothing. What you give… will always come back to you.

If you sit around your apartment wishing and believing that you will get your dream job…but take no action to find it, don’t expect the universe to deliver.

You must take action toward creating what you want.  Then trust that good things are coming your way – they will – but they will because you are working in harmony with the universe and all it’s laws.

Visualization can be a powerful tool but it can also be a fatal waste of time.  Many people believe if they sit at home imaging themselves as a successful speaker on stage in front of thousands of people, the phone will ring, and their dream job will appear.

That is not how it works.

If you want to be a professional speaker get out there and offer to speak for free to anyone who will let you, make phone calls, meet people and offer to give your gift to the world.  Then use visualization to practice each speech in your mind.  Imagine yourself on the stage and run through what you will say until you feel confident about giving it.  Stay in a place of trust that good opportunities will show up for you.  Have faith not fear.  Then get out there and give your gift to the universe… then the universe will deliver.

Work on being the person you want to become.  Take responsibility for that process.

If you are taking more responsibility for your life, taking action, getting things done, feeling positive about your life and where you are headed… good things will happen to you.  People will like you, opportunities will show up and you will be ready to take them on.

But God and the universe will never give you something you’re not ready for.  So if you are not taking responsibility for your life now… it’s never going to give you more.  If fact, you will know subconsciously that you aren’t ready for more and the fear of success will keep you from even trying.

If you are stuck… this might be part of the problem.

So, do you want to know the real secret of success?

Do you want to know why I think this big opportunity with Good Morning America showed up for me?

I focused on being the best me and giving my gifts to the world.  I actually sat down and figured out who I wanted to be (using my imagination and some inspiration.)  I also decided what it felt like to be that me – and chose to start feeling it.  I also felt in my heart that God and the universe wanted me to be that person too.  I chose to trust them that the right opportunities would show up if I trusted life, put myself out there and worked hard.

(So I showed the universe that I was ready to handle more good things by taking responsibility for what I had now.)

Then I looked for every opportunity I could find, to give my gifts to the world.

I chose a positive attitude and assumed good things would happen to me.

Good things did start to happen… because my positive outlook was literally attractive. People wanted to work with me.

So the secret to success formula looks like this…   Figure out who you want to be + take responsibility for your life + be positive and trusting + give your gifts to the world = good things happen to you!

I wrote this article, today, because I needed to get centered on these principles again myself.  This whole Good Morning America thing has been hard to get my head around.

I find myself on a roller coaster of emotion because I want this so much, but I don’t want to get my hopes too high and be disappointed. I am actually struggling a little bit to stay positive.

I am usually really good at staying positive which is surprising when you look at how many losses I have experienced in my life.  This pattern started at a young age when I ran for school officer (repeatedly) and always lost.  I tried out for cheerleader and lost.  I tried out for dance company and lost.  My dad started calling me Abraham Lincoln because I lost so many elections.

Each time I got my heart set on something it didn’t happen.  Later in life I experienced financial loss, health problems, marriage problems and finally divorce.  By now, Dad was calling me Job because my life has been rife with losses.

But I still consider myself lucky.

Good things happen to me all the time.

(And in the end Abraham Lincoln came out on top too!)

All those losses also shaped who I am today and there have been countless blessings in spite of all the troubles.  But there is still a little voice, in the back of my head, saying… “you’re gonna lose again.”

“There is no way you’re really going to get your dream job!”

“This doesn’t really happen!”

Some days, I am having to fight against that voice.

“I am worthy and ready for this responsibility.”

“I am a person who fit’s on national television giving advice to the world.”

That’s why I am here.

The fact of the matter is, I already beat the odds.

What are the chances that my little application would even get noticed in a field of 15,000 people!

I am one of only 20 finalists!

I could actually get a job with Good Morning America!

So I am going to chose to follow the formula:

Figure out who you want to be + take responsibility for your life + be positive and trusting + give your gifts to the world = good things happen to you!

You can’t control the world and what other people choose to do.  But you can change what is inside of you.

You can change your attitude, your perceptions, your focus, your emotions and your actions.

That is really all you can do.

I will let you know what happens next.

Could I be the next Dear Abby on ABC?

It sounds so crazy I still can’t believe it’s really happening. A month ago a friend told me Good Morning America was holding a nation wide search for an on air advice guru. They thought, because of my experience as a life coach, I ought to apply.

So I did. I took my time and thought of clever responses to their advice based questions and wrote a killer essay about why I should get the job and sent it all off to ABC in NewYork.

After the application submission deadline pasted they announced that over 15000 people had applied. I realized, at that point, the odds of making it were so low – I might as well forget it. A couple weeks went by and I had forgotten all about the whole thing.

Then Saturday afternoon I checked my messages and said, “Patrick who would call me from New York? I don’t know anyone there.” (I truly had forgotten since I never thought in a million years my little essay would stand out against 15000 others). But apparently it had.

It was Matt from GMA and they liked my essay and wanted to talk to me!!!!

Patrick and I both about fainted!

Matt was out of the office until Tuesday so it was the three longest days of my life! But Tuesday finally came and I had a phone interview with a producer from the show. He explained to me that they had read all 15000 applications and had narrowed it down to 50 people of which I was one. Now they were going to do phone interviews and cut that number in half I thought my interview went okay but I didn’t dare believe I’d done well enough to make the cut.

Then Friday morning I got a call from another producer at GMA. I had made the cut and they now wanted a video from me. They sent me an email with instructions to answer three questions and just film a close up of my face. And they needed it in two days!

Luckily my good friend Rick Egan is a professional photographer for the Tribune and he offered to help me. I was up till midnight the night before writing the most clever interesting responses I could come up with. It took us about two hours to shoot 2 minutes of video and then hours to cut it down to the 1minute 20 seconds they wanted.

This morning we sent it all off, along with a current resume to Maureen at ABC. Now we cross our fingers and pray! I also started looking up Dear Abby and Ann Landers articles to read. If I make the next cut there will be on air advice giving next!!

While looking up Dear Abby articles I found these questions which never made the paper. They cracked me up so I had to share…

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is
a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker
in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere
together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their
apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl language and
violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m
not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and
I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I
don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around,
and when confronted with the evidence, he denied
everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it.
Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t
know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered.
I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest
in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all
interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote . . . and drive cars!

I’ll let you know what happens next!

Busted Naked & Disenfranchised

I haven’t written in a while so I figured I should update you on a few things… before we get to the naked part…

I have to tell you that it’s a weird thing to be as involved in the singles scene, as I was, and to all of a sudden get married!  It’s like being part of a club that is a HUGE part of your life, where you have tons of wonderful friends and then getting kicked out.

I miss my friends.

I am happier than I’ve ever been being married to Patrick – it’s heaven on earth!

So I am not regretting my decision at all – he is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love being married.

Having said that, we both feel like we’ve lost our friends.

I am especially missing Tam.

We used to talk 5 times a day (which I realize was a little over the top) but now I go days without talking to her.  This is mostly because she is busy planning and going to all the activities… and I’m not.

Things changed more than I thought they would.

I keep thinking that Patrick and I (if we went together) could still attend some parties – but it just feels weird.

So we are feeling disenfranchised – I guess what we need are some fun married friends to hang out with – but we can’t seem to find any!  What’s up with that?

Anyone want to be friends with us?

Okay I know that you all want to know about the busted naked part so here goes…

The thing is that we are honeymooners – who have seven children.

So we have to find ways to carve out some alone time when they won’t bug us – this is darn near impossible though.

Many nights we get tired real early… we tell the kids that we are totally beat and have to turn in.

Then we lock the door (which we don’t do on other nights.)   You would think they would be on to us that locked door equals having sex – but they didn’t really get it until the other day.

We had locked the door and were just getting busy, when one of them started pounding on the door.

I yelled, “What!”

She said, “I need to use the bathroom!”

I said, “For petes sake, use THE OTHER ONE!”

She said, “There’s no toilet paper, just let me in!”

There was NO WAY I was letting her in!

So I grabbed a roll of toilet paper from the bathroom, opened the door a crack, and handed the paper through without letting her see me in my naked state.

I heard a frustrated sigh from the other side of the door, like “you’ve got to be kiddin me!”

The next day the kids announced, “We know you and Patrick were having sex last night – it was kinda obvious!”

No  #$%@  Sherlock!

I explained to them, “this is a fact of life guys, it is going to happen – so let’s just set this straight  right now – if the door is shut or locked – DON”T KNOCK – and DON”T COME IN – you don’t want to know about it – so I recommend that you just walk away!

Please!!!!

A few days later Tammy and I were shopping and we saw a hilarious “light up” sign that you can hang above your door (like the one at a radio station that says “On Air” – but this one says “SEX in progress” we laughed our heads off at the idea of hanging it above my bedroom door.

I should have bought it.

A few days after that we were in bed and my handsome husband leaned in to kiss me  – and the thing is – that man can kiss!

He is the best kisser EVER!

So one thing led to another and we realized that we better shut and lock the door –

He jumped up and took care of it

A few minutes later the door swings open and one of the kids is standing in the doorway with a look of absolute horror on his face!!

As soon as it registered that we were naked – he shut it again – but it was too late – he’s going to have trouble getting that image out of his head.

All I could say is… “Patrick I’m giving you door locking lessons later today sweetheart!”

It was probably bound to happen eventually with seven kids!

Though I think they are getting the message about not bothering us when the door is shut!

If not Patrick’s contemplating a dead bolt!

 

 

Day 194: Are funny women intimidating?

I read an article today claiming that men don’t fancy FUNNY women… because it scares the poor dears.  Can you believe that?

Research actually shows men find female wits a turn-off.

What’s up with that?

Women see men with a sense of humour as dangerous and sexy, while many men see it as threatening.  Basically, they said that humour is a mark of intelligence and can therefore be intimidating.

(Aren’t most men over the fact that we’re smarter than them?  LOL)

I had a friend tell me once, not to tell my funny stories in public because it is masculine energy to do so, and men won’t find me attractive.   I was so surprised to hear this… because I thought it worked for me.

I do get asked out after all!

The man I am currently dating says he loves my funny stories.  This leads me to believe that some men, probably those who show up with more masculine energy and less confidence might be the ones who feel threatened while those more comfortable in their own skin are not.   Just a theory.

Lauren Antler, a a stand up comedian says most people don’t expect women to make them laugh. “People think it’s an anomaly to be funny and female, so they think you’re weird” she said.

Stand-up comic Beck Krefting,  says it’s not socially sanctioned for girls to be funny. “It’s OK for guys to crack jokes and be the class clown, but if a girl did it, she was marked the strange one.”

Krefting agrees that men are uncomfortable with women having the power associated with humor. “When you’re the one cracking the joke, you’re in control of the conversation,” she says. “Men are the ones supposed to be in control.”

Rather than being in charge, society gives girls the message that they need to be quiet and well-behaved.  A lot of people are threatened by funny women,” she says. “Women are just not socialized to use comedy as power. We’re socialized to play nice. ”

I have to admit I get my sense of humor from my dad.

He was the funny one… and boy does he know how to tell stories that crack everyone up.

My mom, on the other hand, doesn’t do that sort of thing at all.

But I do.

I know how to tell a funny story!

(But you guys know that!)

Though I admit, telling funny stories takes a lot of confidence.  It’s a big risk to put yourself out there like that.  So, my confidence may very well intimidate men who are not as confident.  That would make sense.

But if they aren’t confident I probably wouldn’t want to date them anyway.  I want to date men who are confident and appreciate a great sense of humor.

Though women are said to have a great sense of humor when they laugh at men’s jokes, not when they make jokes themselves.  So the question is…

“If a woman makes a joke and a man doesn’t laugh, is it still funny?”

Just kidding.

The real question is…

Should I continue to be my funny self or should I restrain my hilarious thoughts and just laugh at a guys jokes instead?

Should I be a funny woman?

Or should I be quieter and let the men crack the jokes?

I don’t think I couldn’t stop being funny if I tried… it’s just me.

Oh well!

I’d love to hear your comments on this one…

Day 184: A Lake POWell Singles Trip – and our funny friends

If you have ever wondered what these Lake POWell singles trips are like – this will give you a good idea…

What a blast weekend – The only way I could go on the trip was if I could bring my girls though.  Zach and LuAnn agreed at the last minute to let me, for which I am so so grateful!  We had so much fun on the way down, blasting our music (Laney knows the words to every song on her ipod now!) and talking about life and boys.

My girls are so much fun!  We finally made it to Wahweep at about 7pm – but we couldn’t find the house boat dock.

I have officially admitted that I have no sense of direction whatsoever.

We drove around that place for 45 minutes and then decided to ask the next person we saw for directions.  We saw three old guys crossing the street so we called them over and asked if they knew where the house boats were… they said something… but it wasn’t in English… apparently they were Dutch.   Laney was laughing her head off.

Finally we found the right road and drove to dock T to meet the singles group.  It was a little awkward at first because some of the people seemed a little bothered that I had brought my two teen-agers daughters on the single adult trip but the people in charge said it was ok and I really thought once they got to know us – they would change their minds (which they did – they loved these two crazy teen-agers by the time it was over!)

We drove into Page AZ for some dinner and met up with RC and the AZ crew.  They were happy to see us!  That night we slept on the houseboat at the dock and it was freakin freezing!  Randy got a lot of snuggles that night!  The wind was blowing and we were dressed in sweats – we got really worried that the weather was going to ruin our trip.  But the next morning it started getting warmer and we were off to find a campsite.  We settled on a spot near Gunsight butte.

To make this simple I’m just going to introduce you to the hilarious people who went with us.  You will see why the trip was so so much fun!  Here is the ROUNDY LAKE POWELL BOAT CREW and the awards they won… when it was over…

Kim (me) – was voted most likely to get stuck in the houseboat bathroom and not be able to get out.

(That one surprise anyone?)

I was also voted most likely to get bow washed sitting in the front of the boat and most likely to kill Randy if he makes me draw four or wins at UNO one more time.

But, believe it or not – I got up and surfed on my first try!  I am much more coordinated than many of you think I am… and I have pictures to prove it!

Will – “Okay” he was most likely to “be tackled by a line backer while surfing… “okay” and most likely to wear fake buck teeth and look good doing it… and “okay” most likely to become a famous, world renown comedian in the near future!  He was also voted most likely to say “okay.”

He is also the worst driver ever!  But I’m the one who got the speeding ticket so I really can’t talk and his bad driving meant that I could sleep part of the drive home so I’m still grateful!!!

(Okay Will, you had us laughing our heads off the entire trip – you are like the #1 funniest guy ever! Okay!)  Will is also a smokin hot Cuban – so if anyone would like to get lined up with Will just let me know and I can arrange that! (If you are smokin hot too, of course, and can handle laughing till you cry!!)

Randy – was voted most likely to win at whatever game we are playing!

He was also most likely to be the line backer that tackles Will while surfing.  Most likely to get kissed at Lake Powell since he brought his own girl and most likely to become a pole dancer, a rock climber or a professional anchor burier.

Jenn – was voted most likely to get killed by the Mafia on her birthday and most likely to return to life as Mafia the next night and get serious revenge!

Jenn was also the queen of the peanut butter and marshmallow beauty mask which apparently makes your skin silky soft!   Just don’t ask her to eat squash baby food… cause she ain’t doin it!

April – was voted most likely to start wearing lots of purple eye-shadow in the near future – and most likely to try to catch a surf board with her face.  “Holy Balls!”  You’ll recognize her when you see her because she resembles a blonde Rocky Balboa after the fight with Mr. T.

(And April sweetie, us girls are never going to be able to pee standing up like the boys do – we are missing the equipment for it – and being the one to hold the sprayer between your legs didn’t work either so I’m not doing it again!  “Holy Balls!”   Though that was the funniest thing that happened the whole trip!)

Elise – was voted most likely to give you a back rub, a kiss or a cuddle – and most likely to become a pro surfer!   (Seriously girl you are amazing on that surfboard!  We so totally love you! )

Lance – was voted most likely to kill me if he falls on me again and most likely to get really really sick and tired of sitting in the back of ski boats to make the wake bigger!!!!   He was also voted the best photographer EVER!

(Though staying focused on your smile Lance, really helped me not to freak out while surfing behind Ando’s boat- so I’m sure glad you were sitting in the back of that boat for me!)

Aaron – was voted the best houseboat DJ ever!  He is also pretty mean stuff with a water balloon launcher – (though you guys ain’t never gonna hit ME and should give up trying!)

Aaron is also most likely to turn Lake POWell into a disco and get us in trouble with the rangers cause the entire lake can hear us partying and see the laser lights on the rocks!  Coolest Lake POWell dances in recorded history!!!!

Merrill – was voted most likely to peek, when April is trying to pee standing up, after we asked him and Lance to turn around!

He is also most likely to be scarred for life by what he saw!

You guys will have that image burned into your retina’s forever!

Serena – was voted most likely to kick the guys butts, at any sport they dare to try!  Enough said – she rocks!  She is also the most patient, kind person we have ever met!

Rick – was voted the jet ski king!  He is also pretty mean with water balloons but couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn when aiming for me!!!   He was also the best water skier on the trip but has been voted the guy most likely to fall 15 times each time he skis.

(Rick you are seriously just the nicest guy ever and we are so glad you’re our friend!)

Mark – was voted most likely to fall off the death tube – most likely to jump off the death tube and most likely to spend more time in the water than on the death tube!

Just kiddin’ Mark – but you were seriously voted most likely to suck at poker!

I mean, I suck at poker… and you are way worse than me!  You seriously suck at poker!

But you are a hot single guy so that kinda makes up for it.  Ditto with Will – I can arrange a line up with this hottie for anyone interested, we gotta make up for the fact that the only girls at Lake POWell were taken or 11- 15 years old.

Kimbo – (We had to call him that so I would stop looking every time someone needed him.)   Kim was voted the most dignified guy in the group and also the most likely to sneak off and ditch us when we get goofy and he was the only one who actually got any sleep at Lake POWell because he slept in a tent away from the chaos!

(Smart move Kim – though I bet you could still hear the racket we were making for miles!

Greg P.- was voted most likely to never learn to surf!

Ha Ha Just Kiddin!

(I thought we were going to drown you for sure though – you gotta let go of the rope when you fall bud!  But you are fun to have around Greg – you keep us all smiling the whole time!)

Greg was also voted most likely to forget how to speak english or move to Mexico!

Greg G. – was voted most likely to think that jumping off the death tube would actually get Zack to stop trying to kill us!  (Naive Greg but it was a nice theory)

Trent – was voted most likely to spend five days with us and only say 5 things.

Just kiddin Trent, but compared to the rest of us blabbermouths – you are on the quiet side.  BUT you are probably 10 times smarter than the rest of us too. (Which in reality isn’t saying much!)

Like I said, repeatedly, “This is not a very bright group!”

We proved it when Zack, while playing Faith Factor, asked us (a group of LDS singles) to name the three members of the First Presidency…  and Abby (the 11 year old) was the only player at that moment who could do it!

Seriously you guys, James E. Faust died like 2 years ago!

You couldn’t name the 3 witnesses of the Book of Mormon?

Have any of you read it?

Have you been to conference?

Like I said, “Not a very bright group!”

But I was the one stuck in the bathroom so I can’t really talk!

Page – was voted most likely to be late!

Just kiddin’ Page – kinda – ha ha – and this smokin hot babe was also most likely to get hit on – because she was the only single non-attached female on the boat in a bikini.

She was also most likely to make the guys sick because they were trying so hard to show off their physical fitness to win her attention.

Joe – was voted most likely to MOON someone!  And he didn’t disappoint us!

He was also voted most likely to have the sexiest, tannest chest on the lake.

(Too bad there weren’t any girls!)

James – Most likely to confuse the whole group with a game in chinese that they still haven’t got the slightest clue about!  He is also an amazing skier and one of our favorite people!

Brian – was voted most likely to win the princess game which let me just say…  is freakin scary!

Brian was also voted most likely to think that he can paddle with his hands to keep his surfboard up with the boat!  (You got muscles Brian but you ain’t that strong!)

Brian is also a freakin hottie who would love to meet some girls his own age – if anyone knows any!

Ando – was voted most likely to hook up with Alex… and most likely to win “You Think you Can Dance” now that he has had dance lessons from Abby.

He was also voted the guy with the sexiest boat and the best surf teacher ever!

Alex – was voted most likely to hook up with Ando (surprise surprise) and most likely to make the other guys on the boat want to kill Ando.

Alex was also most likely to brutally kill everyone off in Mafia, as fast as she could, because she just wanted to get some dang sleep!  (Or cuddle time with Ando!)

Bob – was voted most likely to do the wackiest stuff we have ever seen and have us peeing our pants because we’re laughing so hard.  Most likely to take 2 hours to explain anything and still leave us completely clueless, most likely to wear glow sticks as nipple piercings…  and most likely to wear the water balloon launcher as a jock strap.

(My daughters will never be able to get that image out of their heads!)

Who did that belong to anyway?

Did you want it back after that?

Abby (my 11 year old daughter) was voted most likely to become a professional hip hop dance instructor (She taught 4 grown men the latest dance moves and talked them into performing in costume at the last night disco party!)  She is also most likely to be a seriously ruthless mafia member who gets away with murder and most like likely to end up covered in whipped cream or pudding!

Laney – was voted most likely to be big trouble when she turns 16!

She is most likely to have boys eating out of her hands…

…and is going to give me hell if I try to come to Lake POWell next year without her!

LuAnn – was voted most likely to organize anything on the face of the planet and have it turn out perfectly without a hitch – she was also voted most likely to kill someone if they open the fridge, mess up the toilets or forget to show up for cooking duty!

Zack – was voted most likely to show up for cooking duty on time!  He was also voted most likely to out ski everyone else on the lake and make us all look like wimps!  He was also most likely to agree with me, after the quiz game,  that we are not a very bright group.

Norman – was voted most likely to spend the rest of his life at Lake POWell.  (Norman was the camp bullfrog!)

I have to say that this was one of the funnest weeks ever!  We love these people!

Thank you guys – the friendships we (not very bright girls) made with you amazing (though not very bright people) were hands down, the best part of the trip!

If you would like to see pictures of all this – visit my Facebook photo album Lake Powell 2010!

Day 176: Do clothes make the man or woman?

Behavioral scientists now tell us that they do.  They say that the  first impression people have of you is a strong one and this impression happens in the first 30 seconds… but could take up to five years to erase if you make a bad one.

I don’t know if that’s true, maybe for some people it is… but when it comes to dating, that first impression, based on looks, is definitely a factor!

You have all heard the saying “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover.”  But actually we all do judge books that exact way!  If the cover doesn’t catch your attention you won’t even pick that book up… or give it a chance.

Unfortunately, it’s the same with men and women who are looking for a date (though I wish it wasn’t.)  It appears that it is just human nature, to place importance on how someone looks.  Then if someone looks okay, we will take the time to get to know who they are.

An interesting example of  how much weight we place on looks, showed up in the first Kennedy-Nixon presidential debate on TV.

Many of the people at that time, had no TV’s, so they just listened to the debate on the radio. These people, when surveyed, thought that Nixon had won the debate hands down.

But the TV watchers said that Kennedy had won.  Kennedy looked great on TV.  He looked fresh, professional and vigorous while Nixon appeared tired and rumpled on TV.  The TV audience gave more credibility to what they saw than what they heard – and we all do it!

Steve Penner the owner of a dating service gave us some interesting information recently based on the feedback he has received from his clients.  He said that women quite often commented or complained about how a man dressed on a date.

They were definitely turned off by wrinkled or sloppy clothing or worn out shoes.  The men they liked, were often described as “wore a nice sweater and had great jeans.”  The clothes were often mentioned before anything else about them.

The men, on the other hand, rarely even remembered what the woman was wearing.  As a matter of fact, they only commented if the outfit happened to accentuate certain body parts.

The other striking difference was in how each viewed the subject of shoes.

Shoes were important to women.  Women noticed a guys shoes right away.   (If you are a man reading this – make sure you read Day 13: Shoes say a lot about a man… for more info on what shoes women like!  They don’t have to be expensive by the way, just fashionable and well cared for.)

(One of the first things Tammy said about RC when she met him – was “look he even has nice shoes!”)

Most men only have about 4-5 pairs of shoes.  Work, dressy, tennis and flip flops (and maybe a pair of golf shoes.)  The average woman has between 30-60 pairs of shoes.  I am not exaggerating either!  Women care about shoes.

So men, when it comes to dating,  your date is going to pay attention to what you wear… and she will pay special attention to your shoes!  It is one of the first things she will notice about you. Choose wisely.

Often I hear men say that they don’t notice or care about a woman’s shoes though, so we shouldn’t stress about them. (Though some say they do like heels the best.)  But most of the time they don’t really care that much which shoes a woman is wearing.

That is not the point guys!  Let me fill you in on a universal truth…

WOMEN DO NOT DRESS TO IMPRESS MEN… WOMEN DRESS TO IMPRESS OTHER WOMEN!

And they take this seriously.  Way too seriously!  That is why you will hear “I have nothing to wear!” in a tone as serious as “the house is on fire!”  We will spend weeks planning what to wear to an event, while men start thinking about is 25 minutes in advance.

Somehow we need to stop trying to impress.  We are much more impressive when we don’t!

Men, if you are not sure how to dress for success with dating or choosing your shoes – find a woman friend who knows about this stuff to help you.  We have seen numerous men do this and it has made a huge difference in catching women’s attention.

Then, (this advice is for all of us) when you go on a date, dress as nice as you can but once you leave your house put all the fears or concerns about your looks behind you.

Focus on your attention on making your date feel important and cared about.  Ask lots of questions and listen to them.  Show your date your heart – because at this point – looks are no longer the defining factor!

Now it’s all about personality, generosity, sense of humor and kindness – let your date see who you are… and you can’t do that while worrying about how you look.

I hear women say this all the time… “I didn’t think he was drop dead gorgeous but once I got to know him he became the most attractive man in the world!”

Once you get to know someone, you are attracted (or not attracted) to the whole person – not just what they look like.  Often a good looking guy becomes less good looking to us when we realize that he’s not that thoughtful or sweet.

So while clothes play into a first impression and may get you a date… at the end of the day they don’t matter nearly as much as who you are!

So get ’em with your personality, thoughtfulness and love – cause that’s what keeps ’em!

Day 175: Being a Mother can be a stressful job!

When I returned from AZ on Sunday…

Abby my 11 year old daughter (who I adopted when she was 9 days old and is African American) was trying to take the lid off something with her mouth.

We all do it… it’s a bad idea though…

Teeth were not meant to be used as crowbars!

Anyway, she cut her gums opening the lid, and ended up with a nasty blood blister right between her two front teeth.  When she came to me in tears to show me the injury, I pulled her lip down and got a good look at her gums… they were black!

They didn’t used to look like that!

What the heck was going on?

That doesn’t look good!

They were not only black but also bloody!

I panicked… (I admit it)… to me this looked really bad!  Granted the blood blister and the cut, from using her teeth as a crowbar, added to the bad way it looked, but her gums were seriously black.

I’m like… “Oh my gosh sweetie – when did this start?”

“This looks terrible!  I wonder if they are infected?”

“Why didn’t your dad notice this!”

“We gotta get you to a doctor honey!”

Now I had her panicked too – on top of her mouth hurting!  Neither of us could fall asleep last night because we were so worried.

I kept her home from school… and first thing this morning I called two dentists trying to find someone who could see her right away. I was sure there was infection raging in her mouth.

Their first opening was 1:30pm!

I wondered…”Can we wait that long?”

So I called my mom, who used to be a nurse and asked her what she thought.  She thought it sounded really bad.  Now, she was panicked too!

She told me to check on Abby (who was still asleep) and make sure she was breathing!

(Thanks mom that really helped my panic!)

We were both worried about infection.

I was sick to my stomach.

I was “this” close to taking Abby to the emergency room!!!

Then Abby woke up… and I asked to take another look at her gums.  They were still black!!

She said, “Mom, do I really have to go to the doctor?”

“I feel fine.  My gums don’t hurt or anything!”

“Are you sure that black people don’t just have black gums and you never noticed it before – because I think they have looked like that for a while.”

Hmmm…

“Could that be?”

I never noticed black gums before now… but I don’t pull her lips up and examine her gums very often.

So I googled it!

“Black Gums – is it a medical problem?”

Apparently it is if you are a white lady…

…but not if you are an African American Woman.  For many African American women it is entirely normal.

Ohhhh…

And they usually start turning black around puberty.

Ohhh… again!

This is one of those things that a white mother just doesn’t know!!!

So I guess I better call the dentist back and cancel that appointment!

If we go, I’m either going to look like an idiot for taking her in for this… or the doctors, here in Utah, are going to be even more clueless than I am, when it comes to black people, and will probably panic for no reason too!

Abby and I started reading more about this whole thing on the internet… and we learned that actually black gums used to signify royalty in Africa.

A lot of people belive that if you have black gums you are a decendant of royalty.

She liked that…

…You can call her Princess Abby from now on!

Whew!

All I could say was… “Abby I am so sorry that you have a crazy mother!”

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She said… “I don’t have a crazy mother… I just have a mother who loves me A LOT!”

That is true!

Though I may be a little crazy too!

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So, since I’d kept her home from school, we decided to spend the entire day braiding her hair for the summer instead!

Years ago I had a black mother tell me that I must learn to braid my daughters hair because white mothers miss out on a special ritual because they don’t do this.  Most days neither Abby nor I feel real special about the project… it is exhausting!

We started today at 2:30 and finished at 8:30pm and that was only because her hair had already been straightened and I did really thick braids. (Other times it has taken us 12-18 hours not 6)

The good news is that she looks terrific and we will both sleep really good tonight!

The bad news is I might have to see a doctor now… because my fingers are swollen from braiding for 6 hours straight!

Before and after pics…

Day 155: Hot Buns on Ice

For some reason when I got married three years ago I stopped ice dancing, even though it was something I really loved to do.  I didn’t plan to quit.  I just got busy with life and stopped making “me time” on the ice happen.  All of a sudden I realized it had been almost three years since I’d set foot on an ice rink.

Before my wedding I was skating at least once a week and having lessons twice a month.  Then I got busy with planning the wedding and my sister Holly (who was doing lessons with me) moved away… and I just stopped.

Ever since my ex left – I have been thinking about going again.

I knew that some time on the ice would help heal my soul.  Everyday at the gym, for months, I have been doing exercises specifically to get my core, gluts and quads in shape – so I’d be ready to skate – but week after week went by and I did not go.

Yesterday I was at my desk working, when a client called to cancel her appointment.   I headed to my room thinking I’d throw on some workout clothes and head to the gym.  Then for some reason I thought, “I ought to go skate!  That would be a workout!”  I called the Rec Center to find out when an open skating session was… and it had just started!

I grabbed my skate bag and ran out the door.   Once I got there, it took a minute to remember my system for putting my skates on.  It is more complicated than you’d think.   I have to put on thin socks, rubber ankle protectors, skate covers, then my skates, then fold the skate covers down over the skates.  Then I made sure I had my iphone ready to go (because I can’t skate without music) and then my gloves.

Finally I was ready!

I headed to the ice.  There were about 6 other skaters out there practicing their routines.  I was so excited.

I took a big gliding step out onto the ice… and fell flat on my butt.

I think I screamed too because everyone looked at me!

(You knew this was coming huh!)

I wasn’t embarassed because I fell…

I was embarrassed because I forgot the most basic thing ever…

… to take the blade protectors off!

It’s been a while – that’s my excuse.

I brushed myself off and tried that again.  This time I glided out onto the ice with grace!

It felt a little awkward at first, but a couple times stroking around the rink and practicing cross-overs and it started coming back.  I even remembered how to spin.  Not any great olympic figure skating move – but a simple spin and it was a blast!

I LOVE to spin!  Does that surprise anyone?

My other ice dancing moves started coming back too, but so did the pain in my feet, which I had also forgotten.  I skated about 30 minutes until the pain was so bad – I had to take the skates off and rest my feet.  I did this about four times.  I’d skate until I was in tears with pain and take them off for a while.

While hanging in the lobby resting my footsies – guess who I ran into?

The ice dancing coach!  So I got the chance to talk to him about signing up again.

I just have to do it!   I will just start with one lesson a month – just to give me things to practice.   I’m going to try to remember the first three dances and then start working on passing off the second level. Yeah!

This was a poignant moment for me today.  I realized how important it is that you don’t lose yourself when you’re in a relationship.  You must keep doing the things you love to do.  You must find things that nuture your soul and make time to do them.  This time around I am going to make sure that I take care of me.

I am also going to remember to take the blade covers off – from now on!

Now I must state for the benefit of my frient Rob M. who said that, “Any activity, with a move called a twizzle, doesn’t count as a sport!”  – that ice dancing is an extremely athletic sport and more difficult than you can imagine!

It takes tremendous effort and some serious core and glut muscles!

My ex used to say that all ice skaters had amazing bubble butts, something that he quite liked by the way.  Apparently a really tight bubble butt is an ASSet.  Ha Ha!

I guess it’s true since mine got grabbed at the dance last week.

But don’t even think about it this weekend guys because this ice skater has a date!

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I asked a fellow skater to take my picture yesterday.  (Since I’m now one of those “picture crazy” single people who has to take pictures of everything I do for facebook!)

The comment I got on facebook about the photo cracked me up…

“OK, So the thing that blows my mind is when you try and step over a threshold on a big boat you end up face first on to the deck with all your belongings spred all over like a yard sale and when operating a treadmill at the gym you end up getting launched off the back with your iphone following right behind you and yet you are able to gracfully DANCE on ice!!!!  One of the sliperiest surfaces on the earth!!  Please help me understand how this is possible.  You do look like you know what your doing out there, i’m very impressed”.  😉