Some days you get to experience stupid

I have certain philosophies about life that you will hear me expound on quite often.
One of those happens to be the idea that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe in accidents. I believe life is a classroom, every experience is a lesson, and every person in our life is a teacher. This is a strongly held belief of mine.
That being the case, how do you explain yesterday?
I got up at 4am (yes 4am) to run down to the KSL TV studio in Salt Lake to do my Monday LIFEadvice segment. It is Morning Show protocol that when I arrive, I call my producer to come let me in (When you arrive in the middle of the night there’s apparently no one at the front desk.)
When I told her I was there, her response was, “Why are you here?”
“What do you mean why am I here? It’s Monday. I’m here to do my segment.”
“But you aren’t scheduled for today.”
She explained they were planning on me next Monday and I had gotten the days mixed up. They didn’t have the segment slotted today and they couldn’t use me. She also explained that last week when she had said she wanted to move my segment from 6:15am to 5:45am she had only meant that week, not forever. I thought she meant forever so I had arrived eariler than usual.
Knowing that you got out of bed, at a ridiculous hour in the morning, for nothing, is a little frustrating!
Usually when frustrating things happen I calm myself down with thoughts like, “I wonder why this experience showed up in my life?” “What am I supposed to learn from this?” This is my way of trusting God and the Universe that I’m always where I’m supposed to be and seeing my life as a classroom.
It would comfort me to believe that I was supposed to get the dates mixed up for some interesting reason, or at least, there was somethng I was supposed to learn from this frustrating experience?
But in this case, I couldn’t come up with any good reason for my stupid mistake (expect maybe that I need to pay more attention).
I went home and worked on my book, so I was accomplishing something worthwhile, but I was really tired and bothered with myself for being so dumb.
The funny part is, this isn’t the end of the story.
At 3:30 that day I had a doctors appointment to check the progress of my arm surgery last month. So I jumped in the car and drove from Bountiful to 53rd south to the new IHC Medical Center. I had to hurry with this appointment because I had a client coming to the house at 5pm for a session. It knew it was going to be close.
When I arrived I checked in at the nurses station and told them I was here to see the Doctor, their response was oddly familiar, “Why are you here now?”
“For my appointment.”
“We don’t have you down today and the Doctor isn’t even here, he is at the Avenues office today.”
Suddenly I remembered, when I’d made the appointment they told me that I would have to go the Avenues office, but I hadn’t written that part down in my ipad, and it was too late to drive to the other office and still make it home in time.

Now, when you do something (this dumb) once, you can over look it. When you do it twice, on the same day, you have to wonder what’s wrong with you.
Seriously – twice in one day?
As I drove home, I pondered about why this experience had shown up in my life. Was there some divine reason? Was there a lesson I needed to learn from this? And do you know what thought came into my mind at that moment…
“Some days you just get to experience stupid.”
It is one of the many of human experiences we each get to enjoy on our journey through life. We each will get to experience feeling stupid on occasion (some of us more often than others) but there are interesting lessons these experience bring us.
We may learn patience with ourselves and other people. We may gain understanding and empathy for other people when they have stupid days. We might become less judgemental and self righteous when we get a dose of our own stupid. The bottom line is, this experience is good for us.
So the next time you get to experience stupid – see it for what it is.
Don’t waste time stressing about it, beating yourself up, complaining or ranting about it. Just sit back and feel it. Soak up the moment and really enjoy what the stupid experience feels like. See it as a lesson, not a reflection on your value.
Choose NOT to experience shame around it. Shame does you no good whatsoever. Shame is the feeling that you “Should Have Already Mastered Everything.” How ridiculous is that? If you knew it all, you wouldn’t need to be here.

Embrace your less than brilliant moments because they just prove you’re human like the rest of us. We are all struggling human beings in process and every day’s a lesson. Remember… Your not a stupid person… you’re just experiencing stupid today…
…and some days are like that.

 

What Tragedy teaches us about Love

When you see a story of tragedy and loss on the news, it can touch your heart in a profound way. When you know the people involved, the tragedy and the pain become personal.

These experiences of loss, even if you weren’t close to those who died, change your world.  Your world is a different place without that person in it and there is always pain associated with that reality.

Along with the pain, during these times of grieving, you will also experience tender feelings of love, both towards the people who are gone and towards the people around you.

Your feelings of love for family and friends will be more poignant and heartfelt than the love you usually feel.  You may feel prompted to express these feelings more freely.

This heightened sense of love, which follows experiences of tragedy, is an amazing and beautiful thing and it can often change how you feel about many of the people in your life.

Many people find that forgiveness is easier while they are experiencing the unique love associated with losing a loved one. Things that mattered before may not seem to matter any more. People may seem more important than issues and it may seem easier to see the good, than the bad in the people around you.

Tragedy brings with it deep feelings of love for all the people in your life.

Think back to the months following 9/11. Do you remember how connected you felt to your fellow Americans? Do you remember how suddenly our differences seemed smaller and the things we had in common seemed bigger?

Think about the sense of connection you felt toward the miners in Chile or the people of Japan after the earthquake and tsunami. We all experienced a deeper love for our fellow human beings during these events.

When tragedy strikes – you experience more love for your fellow human beings. You are reminded of the connection we share and the value of your relationships in  general.

When someone you know dies, even if it is just an acquaintance or someone you met only a few times… it is still a deeply personal loss and the feelings of love are very real.

You may experience feelings of love towards this person you didn’t realize you had. You may be puzzled at the depth to which the loss is affecting you. You may be curious as to what this poignant emotion is all about.

It is about the expression of the love inside of you.

The raw emotion you feel while grieving, is an expression of your love for all the people in your life.

Pay attention to this feeling – it is amazing and beautiful. Remember that the pain of loss, is tied to the wonder of love. If you didn’t love so deeply, it wouldn’t hurt this much.

Celebrate the love.

Celebrate the fact that you can experience love in this way.

Funerals can be a wonderful experience because we gather in sadness, but also in love, for the deceased and each other. The power of our combined love and heightened sense of connection, create an amazing feeling that  heals us and comforts us, like no other experience can.

When you are in this place, pay attention to what you are feeling.

Sit with your emotions a bit, and let yourself feel the wonder of love.

In Russ Njust’s new novel, The Alabaster Garden, he writes “In our struggles to know, to obtain and to become more than we believe we are, many of us have lost sight of our kinship to all life. We have thereby lost touch with the one thing in our beings that truly sees everything in the light of love.”

We often get so busy with the duties and obligations of life, we forget about the deep love that connects us. It gets set aside.

Tragedy, though terrible and painful, can bring this love back into our life.

My suggestion, in times of tragedy, is simply this: Focus on the feelings of love and love deeply! Love everyone in your life, in whatever way you can. Treasure every moment you are alive and able to love. Make sure everyone in your life knows how you feel about them and be the love everywhere you go.

In honor of those whose lives have been cut short this week, let’s make the most of ours and fill the world with love on their behalf.

This article is dedicated to Chad Wade and Justin Yates who died in a tragic plane crash this week. Thank you for giving us a chance to experience love at such a deep and tender level my friends, we will never forget you.

Don’t cover your grey with a sharpie and other tips for 40-something moms!

As a 40-something mother of seven, I have learned some good lessons recently.

First, even though a brown Sharpie does cover gray hair remarkably well, those hairs will later break and fall out — and you will be left with a Mohawk up the center of your head.

Yes, I learned that one the hard way.

Here are more tips for 40-something moms:

1. Keep your wallet empty. (If you have cash in your wallet, your children will inevitably ask you for it. If you don’t have any money, you can’t give it to them, and after a while they’ll stop asking).

2. Buy a good stain remover.

3. Hysteria will get you nowhere.

4. As soon as one of your children turns 16, lower your insurance deductible to $100.

5. Never wear high heels if they make you grouchy.

6. Never compare yourself with other moms — it’s a waste of energy.

7. Bribes work.

8. A happy family is more important than a clean house.

9. When getting your picture taken, put your hands on your hips. If there is open space between your arms and your body, it makes you look thinner. (Trust me; it really works.)

10. No matter how cool you are, your teenage daughter will find you embarrassing, so don’t take it personally. Continue to be the real you. Later on she will appreciate your confidence.

11. Thirteen is too late to put them up for adoption.

12. Mop slippers and music are a great way to exercise and clean the floor at the same time. (Your children will think you’re crazy, but that’s not a bad thing.)

13. Hide your candy in your underwear drawer because kids won’t look there.

14. Don’t take responsibility for stuff that is their responsibility. Make sure they know which stuff is theirs and you aren’t doing it.

15. Growing a fuzzy beard is normal after 40.

16. Don’t shave your beard. It will only make things worse.

17. Nervous breakdowns are just nature’s way of saying “Take it easy!” So schedule some “me” time and relax. (Today is as good a time as ever.)

18. Raising children is an exciting adventure that will be over before you know it. So lower your standards, open your heart, laugh often and don’t take anything too seriously.

And last but not least …

19. Know that you don’t have to be a perfect mom to be the perfect mom for your kids.

Kimberly Sayer Giles is the founder and president of http://www.claritypointcoaching.com and was named one of the Top 20 Advice Guru’s in the country by GMA. She is a speaker and life coach.

Unexpected Lessons from Disaster in Japan

Last week my home computer crashed. Racked with grief over the lost family photos and other documents, I cried… “I’ve lost everything!”

Then I turned on the TV and saw the disaster in Japan.

I quickly realized my loss was small in comparison. I watched people whose homes, family members and businesses were gone. I watched them picking up the pieces, reaching out to others and bravely making the best of a horrific situation.

I was inspired to handle my small loss with grace and maturity.

Later that week, one of my children ended up in the hospital with some possibly serious issues.  Again, I experienced feelings of personal loss and tragedy.

These events got me thinking about the different earthquakes that happen in our lives. There are many ways life shakes us up and brings us to our knees. There are many ways our solid ground (the things that make us feel secure) can be washed away and leave us wounded and unsure about our future.

We live with a false sense of security, we think we can control the solid ground under our feet, but there are fault lines all around us and this life, as surely as this earth, is not a static arrangement.

It is always shifting and changing.

In spite of the futility of the effort, we, as human beings, try to resist change and control life. We don’t want to grow old, lose our edge, experience tragedy or lose what we have. We do everything we can to hold onto what is… but this effort can be as futile as trying to resist the force of that tsunami.

We are growing old, like it or not.

Everything we have can be gone in a heartbeat.

Bad things happen to good people.

It is just the nature of life.

Eastern cultures, like that of Japan, tend to understand life’s impermanence and suffering better than we do. They celebrate growing old and embrace change and loss with more wisdom and trust.

The people of Japan have taught us many lessons these past weeks but these four stood out to me…

1)      Rejoice in the small blessings:

One lady, whose home and been swept away, wept for joy when her beloved pet was found alive. This inspired me to be grateful for the things in my life that are still okay.  No matter what we lose, we still have much to be grateful for. I am choosing to focus on what I have instead of what is gone.

2)      Rejoice in the now:

Avoid dwelling on fears about the future. The future is always unknown and uncertain but at this moment you are alive and have hope. I have watched the Japanese people focusing on what they can do right now. Now is the only time you have to take action and make choices to improve your situation. If there is nothing you can do, make the best of the now and deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

3)      Serve others:

One of the most inspiring stories from Japan was about the noodle shop owner who lost his home. Instead of dwelling on his personal loss, he opened his small shop and used his remaining inventory to offer free noodles to all those in need. Focusing on others reconnects you to your highest best self – which brings feelings of peace and self worth.  How can you focus on others, in your current situation, instead of feeling sorry for yourself?

4)      Practice Trust:

The best lesson I learned from watching our eastern friends, has been to choose unconditional compassion and love for whatever experience shows up in your life.

They have taught me the magic of trusting life.

Many eastern religions teach followers to widen their circle of acceptance and understanding to include the good and the bad experiences of life, welcoming whatever comes to their door.

Budda taught that peace and happiness come when you trust that your journey is always perfect. Everything that happens is here for a perfect reason to teach you a lesson or make you stronger. He encourages followers to look for the lessons and trust that every experience is for your good. The tough experiences are making you who you are.

This rings true with our own spiritual beliefs.

A loving Heavenly Father sent us here to learn and gain wisdom – that is the purpose of our life.

Growth, which develops character, requires scary and painful experiences – but you can trust that you are in God’s hands in every moment and will be okay.  He has promised you every experience will be for your good.

You can trust Him.

When you experience loss or other earthquakes in your life, choose to trust God and life. For some reason, this experience is your perfect path.  Choose to walk it in faith.

Remember “It is in periods of apparent disaster, that the greatest improvements in human character have been developed.” –Sir Archibald Alison

You will make it through – and be stronger for it.

The world is full of zanies and fools… who break the rules and usually break the bank!

(What I learned from Cinderella, bumble bees and taking risks!)

Our local high school is currently presenting Cinderella, so one night this week my daughter and I decided to go see the play.  Now… I can’t get that dang song about “impossible things” out of my head!

It’s haunting me… driving me crazy… I keep thinking about crazy impossible things.

It’s crazy people, you know, who defy logic every day and do things, no one thinks can be done.  Crazy people are the ones who break the rules, break the records and break the bank most of the time.

“The world is full of zanies and fools… who don’t believe in sensible rules… and won’t believe what sensible people say.. and because these daft and dewey eyed dopes…  keep building up impossible hopes… impossible things are happening every day!”
– Cinderella

I can’t stop thinking about craziness… and impossible things.

I have been thinking about how impossible it was that my little essay stood out from a field of 15,000 other people and got me on national TV with Good Morning America.  What are the odds that would happen?

Well… 20 in 15000!

I would have bet everything I had against that.

But it happened.

Impossible things are happening every day!

Today I read a clip from Alice in Wonderland. It was an exchange between Alice and the White Queen from Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll:

Alice says, “One can’t believe impossible things.”

“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

This famous conversation has prompted millions of creative people from around the world to name six impossible things, each day before breakfast.  This idea has ignited all kinds of “out of the box” ideas and inventions.  People are stretching their minds and looking for solutions that break the rules.

I liked the idea!

It has prompted me do some crazy things myself this week.  (I don’t want to jinx them by telling you about them just yet – but if something impossible happens… you will be the first to know!)

I am charged up with enthusiasm from my GMA experience and I am determined to reach for the stars with more confidence.  I am not going to let limits, lines or logic get in my way.  I am going to be bold.

I also remembered something I heard, when I was a child, about bumble bees.  Have you heard that Bumble bees, according to aerodynamic studies in wind tunnels and scientists who computed the wing span  and the weight of the bees, cannot fly?

Mathematically it is impossible for these creatures to fly… but the bees don’t know anything about this limit… so they go ahead and fly anyway.

Impossible things are happening every day!

So what’s up with the experts and scientist and naysayers who like to pop our enthusiastic bubbles when we try crazy things?

I recently read about Arthur C. Clarke, author of 2001: A Space Odyssey, who is a believer of impossible things. He had “Three Laws” regarding science and discovery.  I found these fascinating, full of truth and well worth sharing.  Here they are:

Clarke’s Law #1

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. Corollary: When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Clarke’s Law # 2

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to venture beyond them into the impossible.

Clarke’s Law # 3

Any significantly advanced technology is at first indistinguishable from magic.

If you had shown my grandmother a cell phone when she was a girl, she would have believed it some kind of sorcery for sure.  “You can’t talk to people on the other side of the world with a little hand held cordless device – that’s crazy!”

There are always unexplainable things in this world… that later on become explainable and even commonplace.

While looking up information about bumble bees, to remind me of the story I heard as a child, I was amazed to discover that in the last 40 years scientists had taken another look at the bees.

It turns out that after some new advances in high speed photography new calculations were able to be made. Scientists were able to see that the wings of the bumble bee… fill up like a parachute on the down stroke—greatly increasing the surface area of the wing.  They were able to plug the new surface area into the calculations… and they have now declared that the bumble bee can indeed fly…

… much to the relief of bumble bees all around the planet.

Whew!

So, just because something doesn’t make sense or you can’t understand or believe it… doesn’t mean it’s not so. Impossible things are happening every day!

One of the most famous stories regarding the impossible is the story of Roger Bannister.  He was a talented runner who proclaimed that he was going to run a mile in under 4 minutes.

In all of history no man had ever achieved this. Doctors declared it was impossible. The heart would not be able to handle the strain, the lungs would not have enough strength and they said one might actually die in the foolish attempt.

People believed it was impossible…

Roger Bannister believed otherwise. He believed it was possible as he saw himself improving and getting faster every year. He refused to listen to what people said.

Day in day out he trained and so sharpened his mind and body. He was convinced that slow and steady training would get him to break the 4 minute mile record.

On May 6, 1954 Roger Bannister broke the 4 minute mile. 3:59.4.

The remarkable thing is however, that one month later the impossible was made possible by yet another runner. And in the following year more and more people started to break the 4 minute mile.

Did the runners all of a sudden become better runners? Or was it that they now believed it was possible to break the 4 minute mile when they hadn’t before?

What is possible and what is not…  is all in the mind.  Most of life’s limitations come from within. But once you break these limitations and get out of your mental prison you realize that your biggest limitations are your beliefs.

The most common problem in our thinking is… “I can’t do that.  It’s too hard.  I’d never make it.”

Try this exercise:  Take a piece of paper and write down some goals in your life. Under one header, list down things ‘you know you can do’. Under another header, write the things ‘you might be able to do.’ And under one more, list the things that that are ‘impossible for you to do.’

What new grounds will you blaze?

After all, everything seems impossible… until the first time someone does it.

(“It’s kind of fun doing the impossible.” – said Walt Disney)

All I know is that we have nothing to lose by stretching, going for it, breaking down our limiting beliefs and shooting a little higher!

Don’t listen to the people who hold you back.  Believe in yourself and follow your heart.  It can’t hurt to try… remember those who never try – never win.

“It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” —Theodore Roosevelt

Impossible things are happening every day!

What are you going to do?

How to cope with being a loser on reality T.V. :-)

Everything that happens in life… prepares you for what will happen next… and who has had more embarrassing, humiliating moments, this last year than me.  LOL

I was ready for this.

After you have gone to work with your shirt inside out, been locked in Gold’s Gym half naked or been crowned “the life coach who got divorced, twice!”… having millions of people see you lose on TV isn’t that painful!   Ha Ha

It’s par for the course!

I was ready for reality T.V.

Last night I was watching some of “The Bachelor” with my girls.  We watched as the girls, who didn’t get a rose, left in shame and I remember thinking… “I would not want to be one of the girls who cries on her way out.  I would hold my head high, wish the dude good luck… and walk to the limo with a smile on my face.”

I also remember thinking… “how can these girls be that sad!  They don’t even know if they would have liked the guy.  He may have been all wrong for them and being sent home may have been a blessing!”

That is helping today…because I might not have liked that high paying job and the fame and fortune of being on national T.V.  It might have sucked.

Really!

I thought I was gonna make it to the next level though!!!  By all accounts, looking at the votes, I was in the top five!  I really thought I had this!  Obviously they didn’t decide this thing based on votes or substance or talent, for that matter, and I think I figured out why.  I realized something that I hadn’t thought of before…

this is a TV show…

I know that should have been obvious but it is a TV show… whose goals are ratings and money!

Their goal is NOT helping people.

I’m in the business of helping people…that’s my goal!  So obviously I wasn’t the right one for this job!

It’s good news that I will not be spending my days writing advice columns for a company who doesn’t really care about people.  I will spend my days coaching, writing and speaking to people I care about!

It still stings though… when you don’t get the rose…

…you get voted off the island…

…you lose that promotion you really wanted…

…you get laid off…

…you blow the shot that would have won the big game that really mattered…

…or are terribly disappointed by the myriad of ways life can knock you on your butt.  Right?

These losses sting.

These experiences sting because they bring your deepest core fear to the surface and rub it in your face…The fear that maybe you just aren’t good enough, or that your life isn’t going to be good enough!!

That is why losses sting.

They feel like they mean something about who you are!  Something bad!

So how do you cope with that?

The answer is the same answer my clients give me every time I ask them…

“How do you get out of FEAR?”

The correct answer is… “Love and Trust – The Clarity Formula!”
(This is the Clarity Point Remedy – CPR – which really does save lives!)

How does it work?

You make four important choices, two about trust and two about love.

First you make the choice to trust:

1) You choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line.  This isn’t about your value at all.  Your value is infinite and absolute and nothing you do or don’t do can change it!  You choose to trust that you are right where you’re supposed to be and who you’re supposed to be. You are the perfect you, right now.

You choose to trust that this loss doesn’t define you.  It doesn’t mean anything about “who you are” and it doesn’t effect your value in anyway!

Just because the Bachelor sent you home, doesn’t mean you aren’t an awesome amazing woman!

Just because GMA and ABC didn’t think you made the cut… doesn’t mean you don’t have talent in spades!  It doesn’t mean anything about who you are!

You are the same person you were yesterday before Simon ripped your performance apart and kicked you off the show.  His opinion doesn’t change who you are.

No one’s does!

You trust that your value is set by God… and does not change no matter what!

2) You also choose to believe that your life’s journey is perfect.  You choose to believe that you are right on track and this experience is exactly the right one you need next, to become who you’re meant to be.  As bad as this experience is – it’s perfect for some reason!  You choose to trust the process of life.  You have to choose this… it’s the only way to emotional balance.

You choose to believe that hooking up with that Bachelor was not in the plans for you because your perfect path is somewhere else.  You choose to believe that being on Good Morning America would have distracted you from helping people that need your help!  You choose to trust that this loss is perfect!

Then you make the choice to love:

1) We teach our clients that the first step to love is choosing to see other people as the same as you.  They aren’t better and they aren’t worse.  They do the best they can, with what they know at the time… just like you do.  When you see others as the same as you… compassion shows up and you see them accurately.  This helps you love others and yourself better.

Those girls who got a rose, are not better than you.  Seeing them as better, and yourself as less than, will just produce drama that is beneath who you are.  They are struggling scared, flawed human beings, the same as you.  Seeing the girls (with roses) as brown-nosing sluts, who are worse than you, so you can feel better about yourself – is again, beneath you.

I know the folks who made the cut on GMA aren’t better or worse than me… they just fit what the producers were looking for better and in the end it was their perfect journey to stay in, and it was mine to leave!   I decided to reach out to them and send notes of congratulations.

2) Then you choose to be about giving love not getting love.  You choose to focus on others more than yourself.  You choose to make others feel important instead of worrying about whether you are.

At times of loss – you look for others to lift, love or serve and this makes you feel better (because you like who you are now.)  If you focus on giving – you feel great!

This simple formula works.  I have had hundreds, if not thousands, of clients who have tried this formula in all kinds of situations over the last seven years and it works!  It helps you get rebalanced after a loss that triggers fear.  You will probably have to keep re-choosing love and trust every five minutes, all day long, when the fear creeps back in, but it works.

This is how I processed this loss.  I used this formula!

I thought it was important to share this…since your next loss is probably not far away.

If your life is anything like mine, loss is a reoccurring theme that just won’t quit!  But in spite of this I still consider myself lucky and blessed.  Good things happen to us too, all the time!

So the next time loss, disappointment or trouble smacks you in the face… try it.

Or you could hit the gym and run three miles while listening to The Climb over and over and over.  Here is the link to the song -and some of the lyrics.

“There’s always gonna be another mountain. I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle. Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.
Ain’t about how fast I get there. Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side.
It’s the climb!
The struggles I’m facing. The chances I’m taking. Sometimes might knock me down.
But no, I’m not breaking!
I may not know it. But these are the moments that I’m gonna remember most, yeah.
Just gotta keep going.  And I, I got to be strong. Just keep pushing on”

This is what I did this morning after I got the news!

I know it’s lame to listen to Miley Cyrus… but this song helped lift my spirits and motivate me – during that run I realized I needed to focus on giving… so we decided to do an amazing call tomorrow night on dealing with the losses, disappointments and other experiences that knock us to the ground.  We need a powerful call about surviving!

I will have some amazing guest speakers on the call, who have been through some really tough stuff – (makes my reality TV loss look stupid!)  And we want to hear your stories too.  We want to have a big, giant, group coaching session with everyone who wants to join us!

We are shaking things up, changing the format and we need you to join us to talk about the stuff that knocks you on your butt. We all have losses – we all get the rug pulled out from under us! Let’s talk about it!

Join us  tomorrow January 5th at 8:30pm.

Call in at (218) 862-7200 enter access code: 467648.

 

How to cope when life kicks your butt – The Emotional CPR call

How to handle a “one upper” type friend!

From Leonard in North Carolina:

No matter what one has or does, I have a friend who always says, “I’ve done that” or “I have bigger and better.” How is the best way to tell him that the reason other people avoid him is because he always has to “top” what they’ve done or have? Our friendship is often strained when he pulls this card on me.

Leonard, if you think that’s bad, I have a friend who’s even worse.  My friend is way more annoying than yours.  (Just kidding.)

 

Seriously, even as an advice guru, I haven’t got the slightest clue how to make people like this change, but I have a long list of prospective candidates myself… if we should ever find a way.

 

I can suggest something even better though.

 

I can show you an amazing way to encourage your friend to want to change himself.  This works best because people don’t resist change, they resist being changed.  If they choose to change themselves, everyone wins!

(We all know people we would like to change – so pay attention to this guru magic.)

The trick lies in seeing your friend’s true potential and helping him see himself, as the better person you know he can be.  This approach uses love to gently nudge someone in the right direction.

Next time you see him, say something like this…

“Can I tell you how much I appreciate what a great friend you are?  As a matter of fact, I read something the other day that immediately made me think of you.  (YOU AREN’T LYING BECAUSE YOU READ THIS ARTICLE.) It said, in any moment you are in one of two places… you are either asking for love and attention from people, or you are giving love and attention to people.

It made me wonder, “What kind of person am I?   Am I someone who talks about himself too much because he needs validation?  Or am I someone who edifies other people by listening to them?

I really appreciate that you are someone who gives love and attention to other people.  You don’t need to tell your stories, one up or impress others.  You make other people feel important by allowing most conversations to be about them.  It’s a great quality and one I want to work on. ”

Then move onto other things.

It wouldn’t hurt to pay him these types of compliments on a regular basis.  YOU ARE NOT LYING TO HIM. You are reminding him of who he really is.  These compliments will also build up his self esteem.

Remember he does the whole “one-upping” thing because he is insecure.  It’s not about you.  It’s about his fear.  So don’t take it personally when he does it.  Just smile and let it roll off.

The principle behind the advice:

People want to be who they think you think they are.  If you see the best in them and tell them what you see, they will want to live up to your expectations.

Tomorrow we find out if the votes were enough!

The Guru contest is moving forward!

Will I make it into the TOP TEN?

Read the latest from the producers of Good Morning America…

“I’m writing because the time has come to move forward with the selection process. On Tuesday Jan 4, during the second hour of the show we will be announcing the Guru candidates who will be moving on.

We appreciate the awesome effort that everyone has contributed during the past few weeks. You are all incredibly gifted in so many ways and we hope that you have enjoyed being part of the process.

The next stage will require a little hustle, so we have decided to lay the game plan out in advance in case you foresee some sort of major obstacle to your participation. Of course, reach out to me if you have a major issue, but we feel the description below is quite clear and we encourage you to wait with general questions until the candidates moving forward are announced.

Again thank you all so much. It’s been a fun ride so far and it’s honestly a bit bitter-sweet to have to move on. You are all super guru’s to us and we hope you all keep marching forward with the great work you do.”

Guru Daily Duel

For all of the guru candidates moving on, the next step is called the Guru Daily Duel. This is an on-line reality challenge and will run from Wednesday Jan 5 to Wednesday January 13. Each day, two guru candidates will face-off online. Viewers will be encouraged to weigh-in to let us know who they think is really delivering great advice.

[I am going to need ALL YOUR SUPPORT AND HELP to win this one!]

Here’s how it will work:

Tuesday Jan 4 – GMA announces the GURU candidates who will be moving on in the selection process. This will happen on-air during the 8-9am hour of GMA. We will also announce the first two (or more) gurus who will be facing-off online.

Tuesday Jan 4

After the show, GMA will contact those two (or more) GURU candidates to give them the viewer question of the day.

Tuesday Jan 4 – 6 AM Wednesday Jan 5

These Guru candidates will have approximately one day (after the show until 6am the next day) to send in a video response to this question. The response cannot exceed 1 minute and 30 seconds and we recommend categorizing your answers in bite size chunks. You should deliver your best information in your video response. Additionally, you are also welcome to supplement your video response by writing something that we can post online. This written response cannot exceed 300 words.

Wednesday Jan 5

As soon as possible, we will post the video’s that come in from the guru’s facing off on that day. We will also encourage viewers to weigh-in.

Wednesday Jan 5

Sometime during the show, our anchors will announce the names of the next two (or more) guru’s facing off. We will then send these two guru’s the viewer question of the day and they will have until 6am the next day to send in a their response. This process will continue every day until Wednesday Jan 13.

Logistics

-Each Guru candidate moving on will have to do this at least twice during the week long period. Saturday and Sunday are not included. However, the GURU’s who will duel on Monday will receive their question on Sunday morning.

__________________________________________________________

Wow – this is going to be fun!

If… I make it through (tomorrow morning is the day we find out).  I do feel confident in my ability to duel with advice – but I am going to need help because the person who has the most support will get the most votes, even if their advice is not as good.

So get ready to help me spread the word and ask for votes.

If I make it into the final 10, I am planning to contact ABC news in SLC and ask them to help me get the word out.

I’m nervous, but taking my own advice… and choosing to trust the process of life.

Though it’s hard, I have to re-choose trust every five minutes!

It wouldn’t hurt for all of us to pray a little too!

You know you have a large family when…

It’s been a crazy but wonderful holiday season at the Sayer/Giles home.

Thing with GMA are moving forward.  My good friend Rick Egan filmed five video segments the producers requested this morning and we are submitting them tomorrow.  They will narrow the field to a top ten next week – so stay tuned to find out what happens.

We had eight kids at our house for Christmas this year and it has been a blast.  I have to say, last Christmas was the worst I’ve ever had… and this Christmas was probably my best ever.

In spite of the fact that the storms have ripped the siding off the house, the water heater is leaking and the presents under the tree were lean to say the least.

It was all about having the man of my dreams, my soul mate and best friend by my side – and these amazing kids who mean the world to us!!!!

Patrick is so good to me and is adjusting well to having this huge crazy family!  When I read the following about big families though, I laughed my head off and decided I had to share them with you.

You know you have a large family when…

The combined mileage on your cars is 1,000,000 miles (and you haven’t left your suburb in seven years).

Your children have so many T.V’s, computers, stereos and blow dryers, you single-handedly keep the utility company in business.

No one invites you over for Sunday dinner anymore.

You have a laundromat in your basement (it’s open all night and you still can’t find an empty machine).

Santa has to use a “wide load” sleigh and 16 reindeer to haul everything down to you.

Your monthly grocery store receipt is 4 figures (the commodities market rallies every time you go shopping.

You use a whole box of oatmeal and whole loaf of bread to make breakfast.

Your driveway looks like a used car lot.

The breakdown of the dishwasher is a family crisis second only to running out of toilet paper.

By the time you’re 18, you have considerably more parenting experience than many young parents you know.

Two hotel rooms and two cars are considered normal for long trips.

You wonder why milk even comes in 1-quart containers.

There is an extra person at the dinner table and you don’t notice until halfway through the meal– because that person is six people down the row from you.

The orthodontist loves your family.

Your father can no longer remember your name so he has to go through everyone else’s before he gets to yours.

You’ve considered a career as a lawyer, as arguing comes naturally to you.

Your main staple diet growing up consisted of spaghetti, lasagna, stew, casseroles, or anything else that could be easily cooked in huge batches.

Sitting on the toilet is having a 3-minute break from the crowd.

In order to get a piping-hot shower in the morning, you have to wake up around 3:00 am.

Upon hearing your last name, your new teacher on the first day of high school looks darkly at you and intones meaningfully,  ”Oh, another one.”

You know where the bathroom is in any major store you visit.

Your grocery budget is higher than your house payment.

You know what to use to remove lipstick, shortening, and marker from any surface.

You are certain one of your kids is sneaking rolls of toilet paper out of the house and selling them because you know there is no way they could be using that much of it, even if there ARE a lot of bottoms in your house.

When you go to order fast food, you order 6 hamburgers, one with ketchup only, one plain, one with no pickles or onions, two with no pickles, onions or mustard, and one with nothing but cheese, plus one fish sandwich, one chicken sandwich, one large hamburger, and one large hamburger with bacon. You then have to repeat yourself three times so the person at the window can get it right.

You can quote entire pages from Dr. Seuss without having to pause to think about it.

You know, and are thankful, that when they get too old to send to their rooms, that possession of the car keys gives you the ultimate power!

When the first two kids move out, you can’t believe how much smaller your family feels.

_________________________________________________________________

I borrowed some of these ideas from:

http://www.caramia.us/human-nature/you-know-youre-from-a-large-family-when/

Laura Wheeler at   http://www.megafamilies.com/index.php/large-families/large-family-humor/mother-of-many.html

by Cherly Moeller More at www.momlaughs.blogspot.com

Check them out to read more.

1000 Votes and 10 Hilarious Parenting Laws

I reached 1000 votes on the Good Morning America Advice Guru Search this morning.  How amazing is that?”

I am over-whelmed by the love and support from so many friends, family members, co-workers and others who just heard about it and wanted to help me.

It is amazing to see (on paper) that kind of love and support.  I can’t believe how many wonderful people have taken the time to spread the word and help me accomplish this!

I am feeling very confident about making it into the top ten – which will be announced in a couple weeks!

The producers of the show have asked me to turn in more video next – and I am working on the content now.  It is interesting working in T.V. though, how strict they are about time.  It’s been a challenge to learn how to get a point across in only 20 seconds.  (And they are serious about it being exactly 20 seconds long.)  I write down what I want to say and then cut and cut and cut until it is concise yet still understandable.

20 seconds goes by sooooo fast!

For example, they want me to explain in twenty seconds something that drives me nuts and why.  I have seven children GMA!  There are so many things that drive me nuts, I don’t know where to start…

Our monthly grocery store receipt is in the 4 figures (the commodities market rallies every time I go shopping.)

Our children are terrorists – they have been using sleep deprivation techniques on us for 20 years.

They are so computer savvy they could reprogram the space shuttle and read HTML code but…  they can’t remember how to turn the vacuum cleaner on.

I can’t remember the last time I was alone in the bathroom.

I think the laundry is out to get me.

My Dryer eats socks

The closest I get to gourmet cooking is making Rice Krispie treats.

They also want me to tell about “one word” that best describes me, in 20 seconds or less…

“Tired”

(I have seven children and Christmas is 2 days away!)

“Crazy”

(I just realized that I only shaved one leg this morning!)

Actually I am leaning towards “Wholehearted”…  The dictionary says it means sincere, genuine, enthusiastic, energetic with a love of life and everything in it.

What do you think?

Now I must share something really funny someone sent me…

10 Hilarious Parenting Laws

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn’t behave.

6. If the shoe fits…it’s expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child…  the more rewarding it is to be a mom.

Things you will NEVER hear a mom say!

1. “How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”

2. “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.”

3. “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery.”

4. “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week.”

5. “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day.”

6. “Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.”

7. “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.”

8. “I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve.”

9. “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.”

Read more of Kimberly’s advice and rank it at …

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/DearGMA/dear-gma-advice-guru-finalist-kimberly-giles/story?id=12366166

I can’t even blow dry my dang hair!

It is time to get real!

Do you want to know why (bottom line) I should be the Good Morning America Advice Guru… because I’m the real deal.  I’m not a famous author, or a P.H.D.   I’m not a radio personality or a T.V. star.  I’m just a regular American mom who happens to have spent the last 22 years going through crap that you wouldn’t believe if I told you about it, trying to figure out how to make it through alive!

I am an “in the trenches”, grocery shopping, homework helping, mother of seven, who spends all day every day coaching real people through their real struggles with relationships, jobs and families.

My daily concerns run from “Does the dog need his anal glands squeezed?” (something I still don’t understand) to how to get gum out of a 5 year old’s hair to figuring out ways to help my client deal with losing his job.  My dishes aren’t done and I have piles of laundry.  The city is mad because my sidewalks aren’t shoveled.  I’ve had tendinitis in my right arm for five months and can’t even blow dry my own hair!  But I’m doing the best I can!

I spend 3 hours a day driving children places, and the other 21 hours a day worrying them.  Are they experimenting with drugs or just crazy?  Do I really have to say things like…”Don’t put your arm in the garbage disposal!” or “If you don’t know what it is, don’t eat it?”

Last summer my kids took a giant animal, stuffed with Styrofoam pellets, and blew it up.  Then spent the next 2 days vacuuming the backyard.  It looked like snow in the summer.

There is never a dull moment with seven highly creative and confident children of every size and color living with you.  The older ones have their own rock band, which rehearses in my basement of course.  (I’ve gotten used to the floor vibrating and have decided to enjoy working to live music.)  My African-American daughter has the stomach flu and my 15 year old, just remembered she has a report due tomorrow.

My life is crazy.  I have been sighted standing in front of a broken water heater or a rain gutter that just fell off the house, in tears, because I had no idea what to do.  But over the years, I have learned how to find answers to all of these problems.  I have learned how to fix things myself or how to find people who could.

I’ve also learned important lessons about pulling yourself back up, fighting your way through and believing in yourself.  Through it all I gained unique insights into the human condition and what it takes to survive it.  I also figured out principles that help me find the answers to every problem.

I have spent the last seven years teaching these simple principles to other people.  The cool part is that my principle based answers work… every time.  Not because I’m smart, but because they are true principles.

But in spite of all this, I am watching some of the other, more famous, finalists get twice as many votes as me.  They are cleaning this contest up.  Some of them have huge followings because they are published authors or celebrities.  But I wonder if they really understand what the families who are struggling across this country are going through.  I know that I’m the only one with seven kids, a chihuahua and a bad arm!

(Could I put that on a resume?)

Have they ever had a cart full of groceries and three hungry kids, and got to the checkout only to be told their card was declined?  Have they ever had to drag three hungry kids, who were now crying, out of the store empty handed?  I have.

Have they had to testify against their friend, who the FBI just arrested?  Have they been in bed on I.V.s for an entire year because they couldn’t keep food down?  I have.

I have been through worse things too.  But that’s not really the point.

The point I am trying to make is just this… I can do this job with more heart and more love for the people who are struggling…than anyone else can!

I also have clever, entertaining answers that are time tested and work.  But more importantly… I could be the heart of that show!

I could be the “real American” on Good Morning America.

I also need the job.

The down-turn in the economy has made it real rough to find business the last two years.  We have made it by the skin of our teeth but I’ve had to put off things like dentist appointments and physical therapy for bad arms.  And though I feel very blessed, because we’ve kept our heads above water… I’d sure like to have to pay for school lunch again or go to the grocery store without my coupon binder.  I’d sure like to know where next months house payment is coming from.  I’d sure like to get my dang arm fixed!!!

I really want this job!

I guess I needed an outlet to express where my heart is today.

This is the one job on the planet which I am totally qualified to do… and all I can do is pray and trust that somehow, someone will see that this girl is the right one!

I can’t blow dry my own hair… but I can do that job!

Cross your fingers for me.

Every situation is here to teach us something

3^rd Question

From Charlotte in Nellysford, Virginia:

I am writing to you about our daughter who has been married for over three years. She expresses displeasure (initiated by her husband) about the close relationship my husband and I have with her in-laws. My daughter feels that we are intruding upon their time with the in-laws; this is not the case. My husband and I have enjoyed a close, friendly relationship with the in-laws and are baffled and resent being told to back off. We do not see the logic. We were told that to have a relationship with his parents is not normal. Is she right?

Charlotte –

What a beautiful opportunity this is!  I love it when the universe gives us opportunities to practice getting along with others.

(And dang it, we sure get a lot of them!)

My advice is to have a loving, validating conversation with your daughter and her husband, and create a compromise that is a win for everyone.  This will be a wonderful opportunity to practice handling disagreements with maturity and respect.  You can do it!

When you have this conversation with them, make sure that you are ready to set your feelings aside upfront, and understand and validate their feelings.  Make the first part of the conversation all about them.

Ask them to tell you more about how they feel about the issue and why.  Keep asking questions … and just listen.  Do not disagree or agree at this point, no matter how much you want to.  Keep your thoughts and feelings on hold.  Don’t make them part of the conversation just yet.

Show them that you genuinely want to understand how they feel.   If you spend enough time here, a magical thing will happen… their hearts will soften, they won’t feel as defensive and they will become more open minded about the whole thing.  This happens whenever you validate someone’s feelings.

Then, when you can tell the kids feel understood… ask permission to share how you feel about the issue.  “Would you be open to letting me share my thoughts and feelings about this with you?”

Tell them why the friendship is important to you.  (Do not tell them you think they are wrong!)  Focus on the reasons why you would like to maintain a friendship with the in-laws.  Then ask them if they would be open to creating some kind of win/win.

Ask them what a win might look like to them.  Listen.

Offer what a win might look like for you.

I am very confident that having a mature and loving conversation can produce a good compromise.  Let us know how it goes.

The principles behind the advice: Listening to other people’s thoughts and feelings makes them feel valued at the deepest level.  This creates an environment where compromise and good conversations can happen.  When you are willing to listen to people, they feel valued and want to give back to you.

Every experience in your life is here to teach you something.   Every experience is here to show you something about yourself and to give you an opportunity to step it up.  If you see each experience this way… you won’t take things as personally and will focus on how you can do better.

A stressed out mom and a worried son – ask the guru!

Coach Kim,

I suspect my parents, who are in their 60s and earn modest incomes, have minimal savings. How do I broach the topic of retirement with them when they are hesitant to “trouble” their children with their financial concerns?

Worried Son

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Worried Son

What is your motive or agenda for having this conversation?  What are you afraid of?

Maybe you are worried about having to take care of them, in their old age, if they don’t properly prepare.  This is a realistic concern, but it is all about you.

You need to make sure this isn’t about your fear.  If  this issue is about your fear, they will feel that right away and the conversation won’t go well.  If they sense your fear (which they will – if that’s what’s motivating you) they will probably get defensive and shut you out.

You need to have a validating, loving conversation with them, treating them as adults, the same as you.  You need to validate and respect where they are on this, and show them you respect them.

Follow the rules for having tough conversations…  they will help you handle it with love.

1) Find the right time – You want to have this conversation when you are alone and won’t be interrupted.

2) Ask permission to discuss a sensitive issue – “Would you be open to talking about something kind of personal with me?”
(Wait for a yes)

3) Ask whether they feel safe with you – “Do you know I care about you and respect you?”
(Wait for a yes)

4) Ask them what they think and feel about the issue –“May I ask some questions about your retirement plans?”  (Wait for a yes)

If they do not want to discuss this with you – you must respect that.  Money is a deeply personal issue and if they are not comfortable discussing it, and you push it, you will slam the door on any chance to return to the topic later on.  If you respect how they feel, and let it go, the door will stay open.  They may even come to you when they need advice.

If they say yes…

“How comfortable are you with your plans for retirement?”  (Listen)  “Do you think that you are going to have what you’ll need?”  (Listen)  “How is it going trying to save some money?”  “Has it been hard?”  (Listen)

After you have listened and validated their right to think and feel the way they do, you can go to step 5.

5) Ask permission to speak your truth – “Would you be open to some suggestions from me?”  or “Would you be open to advice on it?”  (Wait for a Yes)

6) Speak your truth – Share your ideas but be careful not to tell them they are wrong.  Just share your ideas and ask them what they think.

Understand the principle behind the advice…

Notice that every step involves asking the person a question, even at the end when you speak your truth, you still phrase it as a question.  Doing it this way shows the other person you honor and respect them.  It creates a safe place where they are less likely to get defensive.

I know that it’s a repeat… but this formula works!

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Coach Kim

How can I get rid of the guilt when I don’t get everything done on “the list”? :). I know its not about me but its still hard.

Stressed Out Mom

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Stressed Out Mom –

I feel your pain.  Sometimes a busy family is like having a bowling alley in your head!  I’d love to share some things that might bring you some peace and quiet.

Look at what guilt is… it is fear that you aren’t good enough.

It’s that pesky core fear again.

It just won’t go away!

It probably never will… So you have to learn some ways to process through it (as fast as possible!)  You must learn how to calm down the fear and choose peace.

So how do you get out of fear?

The Clarity Formula is my favorite technique.  It uses the principles of trust and love to bring you from fear to peace. Also remember that every second you spend in fear, you are missing things going on with people around you.  The fear is robbing the world of your love.

Don’t waste time here… the world needs you.

When you are feeling stress – just take a second and focus on each of these four things…

1) Choose to trust that your value isn’t on the line.  Choose to trust that your value is infinite and absolute.  Choose to remind yourself that you are safe on this journey and nothing you do has to be perfect to be perfect – for this moment.  Remember that you are the perfect you right now, today!

2) Choose to trust that your journey is perfect.  Choose to trust that you are right on track to becoming who you are meant to become.  Choose to trust that everything is happening exactly as it should be and this situation is perfect (for some crazy reason you don’t even need to know).  Choose to see “where you are right now” as perfect.

3) Choose to see other people as the same as you.  Make sure that you are seeing them accurately

4) Choose to focus on giving to others.  This could mean validation, attention or love.  As long as your focus is not on you.  Fear is all about you – only in the absence of fear can we focus on others.

That’s the Clarity Formula – and it works for any kind of fear!

As you practice processing your way out of fear, you will get faster and faster at it.  Pretty soon you will get from stress to peace in an instant, but it requires practice to get there.

Write down the steps on some index cards.  Keep one in your purse, post one in the kitchen, bathroom, etc.

Remember that fear is a choice.  You can choose peace.  You have control over what thoughts you embrace.  You can choose thoughts that promote mental and emotional peace.

You can do it!

You must do it – because you don’t want to pass this down to your kids.

Follow the steps – it will work!

Don’t let the sparks die in your marriage!

2^nd question

From Tara in Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina:

My fiance and I dated for seven years and we’re getting married in March. We’ve lived in different states for the past four years and are excited to be soon living together. What’s the best way to make sure we don’t take our time together for granted and what challenges should we look out for as we readjust to being together all the time?

Tara,

It can be scary standing at the doorway of a new chapter of your life.  But don’t worry, there isn’t anything coming you can’t handle!  Just focus your energy on creating a fun and loving relationship.  With this good foundation, you will be able to handle any issues that arise.

Here are some principles that are proven to make awesome relationships…

1) Be a Giver:

Problems happen, in relationships, when you are more worried about what you’re getting than what you’re giving, this triggers the other person to be worried about what they’re not getting and pretty soon… no one is getting anything because no one is giving.

If you want an amazing marriage, look for ways to give more than you get.  Like the line in that Michael Buble song (Haven’t Met You Yet).

Send romantic text messages or think of things you can do to lighten your spouse’s load and make life easier.  Once a week, ask your spouse, “How can I give to you better, to make you feel more loved?”  Then, do what they ask.  This will create a relationship that just gets better with time.

2) Be Fun:

There is no rule that says you stop having fun when you get married.  As a matter of fact, you can have more fun, be more spontaneous and laugh more often, if that’s the kind of relationship you want.

Don’t just spend time together – spend fun, spontaneous, happy time together.   Don’t just have a date night once a week – have a SMOKIN’ HOT date once a week.

Make being married to you fun!

3) Be Affectionate:

Hold hands out in public, cuddle for a few minutes every morning and night, sit on the same side of the booth at dinner, make out on occasion and have sex as often as possible.  (If you are having fun and focused on giving… your sex life will naturally be amazing.)

If you are doing these three things, your relationship can handle whatever challenges come.

One possible challenge to watch out for would be that you are used to a certain amount of freedom in the relationship up to this point.  So make sure you communicate openly about how your expectations have changed once you are living together full time.

When issues show up, just communicate.  Ask your spouse if you can talk about concerns, ask him how he feels about issues first and then ask permission to share how you feel.   Open, loving communication is the key.  You may want to read my last advice column on how to have tough conversations for more tips.

Congratulations on the marriage and the fun future you have ahead!

Should you tell your friend she dresses bad?

Here is your question, submitted by Sherema in Orange Park, Fla.:

“How do I tell my best girlfriend that the ton of makeup and skin tight clothes designed for teenage girls makes her a laughing stock at the office and not hurt her feelings? She is a very attractive 49 year old lady but her appearance makes it hard for our co-workers to take her seriously.”

Sherema –

This is a great question, and having a conversation with your friend would definitely be the loving thing to do.  The good news is, it’s not hard to have these sensitive conversations in a loving way.  You can do it!

Here are a few suggestions…

1) Find the right time – You want to have this conversation when you are alone and won’t be interrupted.

2) Ask permission to discuss a sensitive issue – “Would you be open to talking about something kind of personal with me?”
(Wait for a yes)

3) Ask whether she feels safe with you – “Do you know I care about you and only want the best for you?”
(Wait for a yes)

4) Ask her what she thinks and feels about the key issues – “How important do you think it is that our co-workers take you seriously and respect you?”  (Listen)  “How much do you think the way you look might play into this?”
(Listen to how she feels about it)

5) Ask permission to speak your truth – “Would you be open to some constructive criticism from me, even if it hurts a little to hear?”  or “Would you be open to some brutal honesty, knowing that I love you?”
(Wait for a Yes)

6) Speak your truth –  “I believe that the way you dress and the amount of make-up you wear at work, effects the way people respond to you.  So my question is… Would you ever be open to some suggestions about how you might dress and do your make-up differently to create a more professional presence?  Would you ever be open to letting me help you with this?”

Understand the principle behind the advice…

Notice that every step involves asking the person a question, even at the end when you speak your truth, you still phrase it as a question.  Doing it this way shows the other person you honor and respect them.  It creates a safe place where they are less likely to get defensive.

Here is my simple formula for having these tough conversations:

1) Find the right time,
2) Ask permission to have a sensitive conversation,
3) Ask about trust in your relationship,
4) Ask their opinion about the issue and listen to them,
5) Ask permission to speak your truth,
6) Speak your truth.

This formula will work…  but another option would be to take some secret footage… send it to What Not to Wear…  and let Stacy and Clinton handle it.  🙂

Good luck either way!

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I wanted to get your take on this advice, because the other two finalists who answered this same question said that you should not say anything to your friend.  That you should just accept her as she is.

What do you think?

Give advice on economy… are you kiddin? Yep

Dear Advice Guru…when will the economy turn around, when will the congress start acting like trouble shooters instead of trouble makers, & is World Peace any where closer in 2011? If you can answer any of these questions…you deserve to be the GMA Advice Guru! ☺

I don’t have the answers because… no one knows!  But I’m still hopeful that we can come up with some real solutions.  I don’t want to make light of it all because they are serious issues but here are a couple common sense ideas I heard on late night T.V. that will at least make you smile…  (They came from either Letterman or Leno not sure which)

How about this idea? Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, give it to us, with the provision it can only be used to buy a Corvette. They get the money, everybody back to work, and we all get a new car!

And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they’re losing money because people aren’t using the postal service as much as they used to. If you’d like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com.

Well, all across the country unemployment offices are swamped with people waiting to file for unemployment insurance. It’s gotten so bad that the offices are overwhelmed and can’t function.  I got an idea.  Why don’t you hire more people? They’re right there in line. Speed this whole thing up!

Day 365 Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of

I just realized that it has been exactly a year since I started the blog.

Day 1 was in December of 2009!

I just thought is was important to recognize how much your life can change in 365 days.  Last year at this time I was more miserable and depressed than I’ve ever been in my life.  I started the blog as a way of laughing at my situation… so I wouldn’t cry… as much.  I was crying myself to sleep every night and honestly wished I could cease to exist.  It was that bad.

I never would have guessed in a million years that one year later I would be remarried to the man of my dreams, have a thriving business and a shot at a job on GMA.  I would never have dreamed that I would be as happy as I am today!

WOW!

In honor of the year mark, I put together some classic Kim Blog humor around my new career as an advice guru.  This is the advice that will never make it online or on the air at GMA but would be good to remember anyway…

Don’t throw a brick straight up.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look so astonished.

This just in… police have apprehended the man who let the dogs out.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I hope that someday everyone will put away their fears and prejudices,
and just laugh at each other.

“You don’t have to agree with me… but it’s quicker.

Therapy is expensive… popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted and have the time of our lives.”

“To do is to be”- Descartes “To be is to do”- Voltaire “Do be do be do”- Scooby doo

I don’t care. It’s my inner life and I’ll be as warped as I like in the privacy of my own skull.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

Do or do not. There is no try.”- Yoda

“When angry, count to four. When very angry… swear.”

“Never take life seriously. No one gets out alive anyways.”

Just remember that you are unique… just like everyone else.

Taxes with representation aren’t so hot either.

It seems to me that the easiest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss an opportunity to shut up.”

“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.”

You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.

Quitters never win, and winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are just plain idiots.”

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

I think that we should delay the search for intelligent life on other planets until we can find some on our own planet.

My first TV appearance & pay attention in English!

This morning I did my first TV appearance on ABC4 news on Good Morning Utah.  Don Hudson interviewed me and I got my five minutes in the spotlight.

It was really fun to sit in the back, by the cameras and watch how they produce the local news (I’ve never seen that before!)

Just so you know, Angie and Don have tele-prompters telling them every word to say, which are mounted right on the cameras so they look like they are looking at the viewer but they are really reading the script.  It’s a piece of cake!

It was fun watching Marti Scold do the weather in front of the green screen pointing at nothing which just happened to be exactly where the computer showed SLC or Elko NV. She has that down pat!

I thought it was really interesting to see that the writers were writing the news, which showed up on the teleprompters, only minutes before each segment.  They were putting this together on the fly… but it came together perfectly.

It was fun watching them steal a sip of pop or a hand-full of trail mix during the commercials too.

Right before it was my turn they asked for the websites for GMA and my company Claritypoint Coaching and made sure they had the facts straight – then they wired me with a mike and sat me next to Don and started rolling.

He was great.  He asked the right questions about the contest, and gave me the chance to tell the world about life coaching and ask them to go online and support me.  He cracked some great jokes about needing some life coaching himself and made me feel very relaxed.  I came home right after and watched it – and though every girl thinks she looks fat in every picture ever taken of her – I didn’t hate it. I looked okay!

I am trying to figure out some way to get the video from my DVR to the computer so I can post it – but haven’t figured that out yet.  Any ideas would be appreciated,

When I got home I saw that the advice from the first viewer questions is now online –

So I need your help!

I am hoping you would go the GMA website – read my advice and rank it.  If you think it’s good advice, rank it a 4 okay!

Click here to go to the site!

Notice that two other finalists answered the same question I did.

It’s interesting to see that they gave very different advice than mine.  You will have to tell me which feels better to you.  Would you tell your friend she dressed badly or just love her the way she is?

I am so grateful for all the support I am getting from friends, clients and family members.  This is quite a wild experience and your support means the world to me.

The producers of GMA are now sending me questions to answer twice a week.  These assignments are stressing me out though and are an  interesting opportunity for me to practice what I preach.  I find myself getting very fearful about whether my writing or my answers are good enough.

I know, I know… I’m the one who said on National TV that “It doesn’t have to be perfect to be perfect!”

… But when your writing is going to be judged by everyone in America and your dream job hangs in the balance…  it’s hard!

I really want perfect!

Yesterday I agonized for hours over whether my column was good enough.  Finally Laney couldn’t take it anymore and made me hit send.

Writing is an unusual medium because you could keep editing and changing things in one article forever, and never really know if you are making it better or worse.  It’s so subjective and one thing could be said a million different ways.  I also have never claimed to be a professional writer.  I like writing and think I do okay but I have a couple problems too…

I overuse exclamation points (badly!)  I do this because I write the way I talk, and I talk loud.  So in my head, every sentence that would be said with passion should end with one of these!!!!

I am not really sure if I put commas in the right place either, because I spent high school English class throwing things out the fourth story window with Sean Barnett or making fun of Mrs. Syphilis.  (Kids pay attention in school!)

Another issue is that I try to be funny, and humor is really risky in writing… because it can sound funny in your head… and not end up that funny on paper.

I also love dashes – don’t know why – but I use them anyplace I might take a breath when speaking.  I also love the old three dot thingy…  You know I do…  if you read the blog much.  They are another great option for those breath pause situations.

I even had a stranger from back east comment on facebook that my writing wasn’t the best… though she later confessed that of all the candidates she thinks I’m the best!

Hopefully enough people will agree.

(I did get a book on punctuation though and am polishing up my skills.)

I am also having my brilliant husband proof read my writing… since the man has serious skills.  He’s a good editor too.

I learned this stuff the hard way!

The questions from viewers have started arriving!

Every few days GMA is going to send me a viewers question to respond to.  Our responses will be posted on the GMA website and viewers are asked to rate our advice on a scale of 1 to 4.

This round will go on for a few weeks, maybe even into January.  I will be posting the links so that all my friends, family and fans can weigh in.

I will need your support!

Not everyone is happy though, about the top 20 Finalists on Good Morning America.  I have been reading their responses on Facebook as people are weighing in on this whole thing…

“…too bad GMA didn’t extend their consideration net to include people who actually needed jobs…in their advice guru search…or people who actually remember when gurus became part of the cultural lexicon…”

“All that business about plucking some regular person from an ordinary humdrum life and plopping him/her into the glitz and glamour of advice gurudome was a bunch of MALARKY.  There is not a single person in the final 20 who has not earned an advanced degree.  I’m not talking about a masters degree.  I am talking about highly educated people with PhD’s in one thing or another, as well as several medical doctors, a prolific author of something like a dozen advice and self-help books, and get this, a couple of local television advice type personalities.  THESE PEOPLE ARE ALREADY ADVICE GURUS FOR GOODNESS SAKE!  Why go for this job?”

I have responded to some of the comments to set the record straight.

I am just a regular person folks.

I didn’t graduate from college and I haven’t published a book. I have had some wonderful opportunities to speak to groups and was even a guest speaker on a radio show once, but I can’t compete with the resumes some of the other finalists have up.

Those of you who know me… know that I got my wisdom the hard way.

I’ve been through so many losses and challenges it’s ridiculous!  I have suffered with chronic illness, been a single mom, lost everything, worked my way back up, filed for divorce, had my heart broken, blended a family and even wrestled a gun away from a shooter.

I’ve lived… and I’ve learned.

I’ve also spent the last seven years as a life coach.

I have taken my life experiences and figured out some amazing things about the human experience.  I’ve searched out true principles that can help us make good choices and create happiness in our lives.  I’ve been teaching these principles to others, through simple formulas… and you know what?

They work.

I developed a coaching program that helps people make changes in how they think.  It helps them to see their life experiences more clearly.  It teaches  them how to find the wise, loving, mature responses to situations in their lives and it gives them real self esteem.

I am so proud of this program!    … though I can’t take much credit for it…

God taught it to me – he is really the author.

Which is why it works every time!

I don’t know how this whole thing will end up. I may get cut at the next round.  But I do know this… if I have the chance to share some principle based advice, that could make a difference in the life of just one person… it will be a win for me!

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I also want you to know that most of the answers (to life’s issues) are really very simple if you do these 4 things…

1) Don’t be afraid… because your value isn’t on the line.

2) Trust that your life is a perfect journey to help you become the best you.

3) See other people as the same as you…  because they are.

4) Choose to give love… instead of worrying about whether you’re getting it.

Those four things will pretty much help you to find the mature, loving, wise solution every time. I call it the Clarity Formula!

Then, when you interact with others… listen to them first… then ask permission to share your stuff.   If you do that, you will handle every situation with love.

That’s it for today… I’ll let you know what happens next!